Monday, September 28, 2009
Adults (mostly over 50 years in age), food, wine and comedy. Really, you can't go wrong with that combination.
I also know for a fact that 3 people there were legally deaf without their hearing aids, but they seemed to love it even more. I'm trying to take that as a compliment.
As always having my parents there is a little nerve racking. Not because they don't know I do jokes about them but the opposite, they love the jokes I do about them and both gave me suggestions on what jokes I should do. "Talk about how I put you into the fan, Jude." People think I'm picking on them but they love it! I think they secretly do things just to get in the routine.
Performing on front of our new pastor was also scary, this was make it or break it time. This could either help or hinder my future penance with him, but every time I looked his way he was bright red. So either he was laughing a lot or choking on an egg roll, either way, he looked like he was having fun. We will see at the next 'confession-palooza'.
I head up the 5 tomorrow for a show, it's nice not having to get on an airplane. It cuts down on travel time and jet fuel.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
There was thing on Ellen's website about sending in a video about what you do when watching her show...I dvr it so I can play catch with my dogs in the pool. I suppose I could make another video about what I do whilst watching the dvr'd show but really, who has time for that...I think I did the assignment wrong.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
So when my mom left me a note saying "September 19-20 San Diego Wheel Auditions", I knew I was in trouble.
The Wheelmobile is coming to San Diego...get out of the way!
This weekend me and ma will drive out to the Wheelmobile. What is the Wheelmobile you might ask? Here is what the official Wheel of Fortune web site says:
What is the Wheelmobile? It's 39 feet long, 13 feet high and bright yellow. It rolls through cities, down highways and into America's heartland. Wherever it stops, huge crowds are waiting. It's giving fans all over the country the chance to try out for America's favorite game show. The Wheelmobile serves as the preliminary screening process before the final Wheel of Fortune contestant audition.Oh happy day, this is it, Jude on the Wheel. But hold on flap jack, I doubt I will even set foot into the Wheelmobile. Don't get me wrong I would love too but I'm sure it won't happen. Here are some reasons why.
At first it was against the Irish. Now it's against comedians. When people hear that you are a comedian they think you are nothing but a chuckle head. Please don't think I have a complex since I've mentioned this before. But any comedian will tell you people treat us different and it's not always a good thing. Sometimes I just want to play the wheel not tell you a joke. So, don't think I'm trying out to boost my comedy career. I'm trying out because I love my mom and want to sublimate my comedy career with some wheel cash whilst also winning a fabulous trip to sunny Acapulco.
I have never actually had stage fright. Believe it or not, I could care less. But I have had occasions in my living room where I have not been able to think. Have you had this experience? Knowing an answer to something and not being able to get the answer from your brain to your mouth and out? Some people have referred to this as a brain freeze, or even a brain fart, how ever you say it, from time to time it happens to me, while playing the wheel from the comfort of my own lazyboy.
Happy Crowds Make me Angry
Do I really have to explain this one? Or maybe I do so I don't seem like a socially inept person. While I'm on stage I love a crowd that makes a lot of noise and is interactive with me. Responsive to what I have to say, they want me to like them. This is just one of the things that the producers of game shows looks for. People who can actually play the game and look like they are having a good time as they do it. The problem is when you gather hundreds of people together in a room all vying for attention of a few key people,it can get loud and annoying. Truly genuinely happy people are awesome. But people who yell, jump and wear outfits and are fake happy near my personal space are not ok and make Jesus cry...that is why it rains. I'm sure as the producers look out and see a sea of jumping, screaming smiling people, one scowling Sandra Bullock looking annoyed woman will certainly stick out and promptly be crossed off their list.
The final nail in the Wheel of Fortune coffin might be inability to spell. The fact that spell check could not even recognize my first several attempts to spell 'inability' might be a clue. I am a victim of technology. I might never be able to spell the words 'different', 'weird', 'occasional' or 'embarrassing' unassisted. Wow, the words I misspell sure have nothing to do with me...weird.
This might be a hinderence while auditioning for a show that to do with spelling. Also, consonants and vowels, confuse the heck out of me...so, "A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y", are we not sure about Y yet? This isn't shtick, I really have no idea.
Maybe this is a problem in itself, how do I impress the producers of What Not to Wear? I'm not opposed to new clothes as much as I am opposed to spending my money. If someone else would shell out the clams for me to sport a new look that would be perfectly acceptable. If I could just get on that show before auditioning for the Wheel of Fortune in a casino with hundreds of my closest really happy friends in polyester, it might help my chances if not just really boost my self esteem.
Hopefully my next television appearance will be telling jokes on purpose and not being the joke because I couldn't solve a phrase like: D_N'_ J_D_ _. Don't Judge, but, that would be horrible.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I guess no one has updated the prayers of the faithful at our Parish for a while.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tommy was skateboarding in Oceanside just minding his own business when he saw a giant bird swoop out of the sky and pick up an old lady's dog right out of her hands. Hearing the lady's cries and enraged that a bird thought he could eat her dog made Tommy furious. He started to skate as fast as he could as the bird took the poor dog higher and higher into the air. Tommyt saw a man putting his longboard into the rear of his truck and without hesitation threw his cell phone at the back of the man's head which made the man fall forward onto his board which in turn made the longboard into a perfect launch ramp. Tommy went up the long board into the sky and grabbed the little dog from the clutches of the bird. He landed perfectly and skated back to the old lady and gave her back the dog. She was so happy she hugged and kissed Tommy. Her breath was so bad he fell backwards into oncoming traffic and his foot got run over by a guy in a Hummer who was texting on his phone while driving.
Or at least that's what I heard what happened. Only 3 and a half more weeks in the cast to go, until then, old ladies, hold on to your dogs.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Life without the roommates has been productive so far, I’m almost caught up with my DVR and there is not one dirty dish in the sink (That’s cause I have buried all the dirty dishes in the backyard). I’m working smarter not harder.
Today while trying to fast-forward a commercial during what I thought was a DVR’d show I realized it was actually live television, I know, scary. Being too lazy to hit the guide button and not wanting to mess up my system I had down of checking the “last” button on the remote I gutted it out, I watched the commercial. I know, I am so brave. It was for a product called, “Your baby can read”
The concept is simple enough, a DVD/program that teaches your baby how to read, because obviously you have more important things to do. Babies are such a hassle! First you have to make them, carry them inside you for 9 months, deliver them, feed them, change them, burp them, love them and now you expect me to teach them how to read? Thank God for this DVD, I guess.
The part of the commercial I saw was a lady enthusiastically talking about her two year old that was already reading at a first grade level. I’m sorry, but really? In our current education system, that’s no big deal. I was also sad for this lady because what if this is it for her baby? What if she has peaked at two? What if it’s all down hill from here. Sure, it’s awesome now to read at a first grade level now, but not when she’s in high school. Hopefully her baby has something to fall back on. That’s why this Christmas I will be coming out with my own line of DVD’s entitled, “Your Baby Can Crotchet” and “Your Baby can Weld.”
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
We walked to my favorite buffet; Costco but sadly the sample ladies had packed it in for the day. As a matter of fact by the time we got to Costco it was ten minutes till closing. We had just enough time to use the facilities, buy a snack that just negated the five and a half miles we had walked and sit down for a few minutes. There is something liberating about walking into a Costco and knowing they will not get more money than my Mocha Freeze costs me. Anyone can say as they go into Costco, “all I need is a pallet of Diet Pepsi, 90 rolls of toilet paper and some steak” but it’s another thing all together to leave Costco under budget with just the things on your list. Something comes over me in that warehouse setting. Some primal survival hunting and gathering switch, which makes me, want to store up for winter. It’s precisely this phenomenon that makes it slightly uncomfortable when walking into Costco with only my Camelback as transportation home for anything I buy…needless to say the trampoline had to stay this time. As we left Costco and headed home we realized that the amount of daylight left did not equal the amount of miles we had to walk. Our pace quickened for a good seven minutes until we remembered how much walking fast is almost like running and running is from the devil. And lately I have been adopting some practices from my Greek Orthodox cousins of spitting at the devil. So if I do ever spit at you, do not be offended, just know I find some sort of evil in you, that’s all.
With about two miles to go dusk had arrived and for a brief moment I became a little scared. You will never find me walking in my town at night, never! Not all parts of Vista are bad, in fact the parts of Vista are not bad, just the people who may be occupying them at any given time are; just like anywhere else in the world. My fears subsided when I realized if attacked I could throw one of my fellow walkers in the path in front of the attacker and me and then outrun the others to safety. Of course then I would call for help for the others, of course!
Needless to say we made it back with eleven miles under our belts. I have a new respect for Jesus and the apostles ministering as they walked. I mean they didn’t even have a Costco card.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
The very best news is that it is September and that means all new movies. This guarantees no more "Hotel for Dogs" or "My Life in Ruins". As a back up my ipod is loaded of Season 4 disk 2 of The Golden Girls. Please control your jealously, it is not becoming of you. I'm excited to leave California because it's getting harder and harder to breathe here. Asthma and wild fires go together like Ashes and sweat or Dorritos and gum. If you hear of a passenger being thrown off a Continental flight today it might because I forgot to charge my ipod or I'm sitting next to a clown.
Someone thought it would be a cruel joke to show "My Life in Ruins" from San Diego to Houston...I was not amused.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Here is a tip from Aunt Judy, when the doctor's office says they will call with the results they are not lying. They just have a different concept of time that you or I might have. Because they would eventually call back but you could have died from natural causes in the mean time. The MRI man (I think that was his official title) told me the results would be read in a few hours and my doctor would be sent the results by the end of the day.
Fair enough. I have played this game before. I get a test done with the understanding that it is probably nothing and in the course of waiting for the results every Lifetime movie, telephone commercial and Hallmark card you see is about breast cancer.
The devil loves to take the unknown and twist it until every worst-case scenario is played out in your head until you are convinced that you soon will be a statistic.
Fear kicks in, maybe even anger, some confusion and before you know it you are standing in front of the fridge at 3am eating straight out of the carton of Rocky Road.
But not this time. Between the “finding” and today I had been traveling. In one of my travels I found myself at a healing service. Without going into too many details, I felt a marked difference after the prayers of healing had been prayed. When I say marked, I guess I am really saying heat. When I say heat, I guess what I am saying is that my boob got HOT! A kind of hot that only the Holy Spirit or a small trash fire can generate and since I didn’t smell smoke I knew the Holy Spirit had gotten the job done. A few weeks went bye and finally went in on Monday and low and behold today after having a sit in at the doctors office until the report was read my ears heard what I had already felt, “whatever was there before is gone now.”
“Well duh!” Is what I yelled on the inside but on the outside I just smiled and used my inside voice to say, “thank you”.
What I realized today while sitting in the office was that horrible disease or not I was ok. (I also realized the people at the front desk kind of freak out when they realize you aren’t going to leave until you are told your results and freak out even more when you bring a cooler and a DVD player with Lonesome Dove).
I have said it before but each time I go through a scare God leads me into a deeper understanding of what kind of peace He can bring. Sure having breast cancer would really blow, but I was confident that God wouldn’t let me go through it alone and not only be healed but be a witness as I went through it. And of course I would be ok, if it was all clear because, well, duh.
I guess the key is to understand that if you can find peace in something like that, you can find peace in the million stupid things that happen everyday, which are in no way as scary or stressful yet they still cause us great worry.
In the end, when you figure this out your either really holy and they fast track you to Sainthood or you die and you have a V-8 moment and think, why did I waste all that time down there worrying when I could have been eating ice cream and playing canasta with the elderly?
My other update is that my niece Sydney came out of surgery last night minus her appendix. Turns out she presented with a classic “appendix needs to come out case” but when they got in, it was fine but they figured, “hey we are already in here, might as well take this thing out so it looks like we know what we are doing”. They think she has a viral infection and the poor kid will spend the last week of her summer recouping from surgery.
But the real thing I would like to discuss happened last night. I went outside to play with the dog and cut some roses for a vase and while walking the grossest thing that has ever happened to me occurred. For those of you have ever had the pleasure of walking on the beach in California you have probably stepped on seaweed or bulb kelp and felt it pop underfoot. Well that’s what happened last night, in the dark and there was no seaweed around. I instantaneously knew what it was and every part of me wanted to have a Silkwood scrub right then and there. I ran in the house (very carefully) and got the flashlight. I came out and after a few seconds of searching found what I knew it was. I had stepped on a dead mouse and it had exploded! I knew it was dead because ants don’t usually gather that quickly in less they are on some sort of performance enhancing drug and if that’s the case I have a whole new set of problems. Praise Jesus I had my sandals on because I can barely get the thought out of Mickey exploding under my sandal and the thought of his spleen doing that on my bare foot would have taken all of God’s peace away and He would have had to come and personally driven me to the “get that terrible mouse exploding under your foot sound out of your head" doctor.
I just hope it wasn’t the mouse from my video just dropping bye to say hey.
Now you are in the loop, like it or not. If you have been offended because I spoke about my hot boob or exploding mice I am sorry, I don’t make this stuff up, I just report on it.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
I did however have the chance to think about how lucky I am to live where I do, when I do. To live in an age where at any minute I can be in contact with just about anybody I know. Through mobile phones, instant messages, blogs, Tweets and smoke signals we know just about everything about everyone as it happens. Got a suspicious mole? Google it.
A weird looking butterfly just bit you in the neck? There's an ap for that.
I had about 40 minutes or so to think about these things yesterday as I hung out (literally) in an MRI machine. As you may know my Mom, Dad and sister are all cancer survivors and since most of my dad's side did not survive all sorts of different types of cancer, every time I sneeze twice in a row I have to have some test done because it might be the "C" word.
Not only do we have MRI's to see if there is a lump, bump or a tumor but we even have blood tests (that I contributed to after the MRI) that test for mutations in genes...so living in this time with this kind of technology with my genes is pretty awesome.
After being subjected to two hours of tests that would tell me if I had a disease or even if I had a higher percentage of ever developing a disease I had had enough. So I did what any good Californian would do, I paddled out and went surfing.
I thought of how lucky I was to be able to not only physically enjoy an hour of surfing but I didn’t have to feel guilty for doing so because I wasn't ditching out on work to do so. I am so blessed to be able to do what I love for (all be it a small one) a living. To live in a place that is truly beautiful and to have the freedom with my time to enjoy it is a gift.
The more I sat in the water the more my mind went back to where I had just come from and the people who don't have the option to leave. The people who even if they could leave the hospital, would not have the luxury of relaxing but would have to work even harder to pay off the hospital bills.
I even thought of those who would never get to the hospital in the first place because there are no such options where they live. People who never know they have cancer but just get sick and die. There are people who will never set foot in a hospital, not because of their fear of doctors but because there are no hospitals near them.
And that's when it came up again.
I have been having these tinges I guess you could say.
These desires that I dare not tell anyone but since no one reads this blog I can write them here.
I want to go and serve the poor.
Now please stop laughing and listen. I'm not talking for a year or even 6 months but I have a desire to go and push myself to see and help those who I would never meet. Those who never know the luxury of being inconvenienced by an MRI or a stack of insurance paper work. I can’t offer medical care, or plans to build an irrigation system, but I once made a 90 year old Croatian lady who didn’t speak English laugh so hard that she almost died, so I think that could be beneficial.
What good is it to stay and experience life in a comfortable bubble when there is such a great need for people to experience love and laughter? I swear I'm not turning into a hippie but in the past few years my travels that I look back at with the fondness memories have been spent with people in horrible situations who were in need of someone just to be with them. Someone who could be Christ to them if just by giving them supplies, a meal or a much needed smile.
I started thinking, where could I go? I have January and February open, so it’s going to be winter. I need to go tropical, I can't help people if I'm cold, I mean, I could...I would just prefer a tropical setting.
Which country could I go and experience and actually help others for a few months or weeks without hurting myself or them? There would definitely have to be monkeys wherever I go. Monkeys but no bugs. Monkeys, no bugs and Wi-Fi.
So you have been warned. The desire is there to serve my brothers and sisters who might not own more than one pair of shoes, understand what Tivo is or worry about the long term effects of aspartame. I know what I am suppose to do now is pray and listen.
When the opportunity presents itself, I will be ready to go.
That is as long as there are monkeys, Wi-Fi and no bugs.