Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome in cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret!

We saw Cabaret at the Moonlight tonight...had no idea it was the feel good musical of the century! OK not really, dancing Nazi's just don't do it for me. Now dancing Communist, yes, that works but dancing Nazi's?

Just Sunday for the Comedy Store this week, I will be in Minnesota on Wednesday and Thursday. My buddy Mark is letting me borrow his camera so I can make a movie about my Fair experience. Did you know you could buy deep fried lard there? Guess what my family's getting in their Christmas stockings this year? Not just lard, deep-fried lard. This will also be my first trip to the Mall of America. Oh happy day, now I will be a real woman. I can't wait to be consumed by consumerism. If Mother Teresa liked retail, she would totally be at the Mall of America 24/7.

Things to look forward to:

Monday is breast day.

Tuesday is happy fun day with the Native Americans.

Wednesday I can official apply for unemployment and I get to fly to Minnesota.

Thursday and Friday will be a fun adventure around the tundra that is Minnesota.

Saturday I get to see lard being deep-fried and a Prairie Home Companion (not at the same time).

Sunday I'll hang out with my pal Jess until I have to get on the plane where I will then write comedy about how horrible the food is and how I only get one peanut, what's up with that?

Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome in cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret!

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Still waiting for my biopsy report. It seems anyone who is capable of reading my test results (which have been in the office since Wednesday) took the day off. Isn't that special? This means Monday will really be another Breast Blog.
Last night after fellowship about 10 of my friends came to the Comedy Store. I always get nervous for the first timers who are not use to the words some of my fellow comics use. It was a really good set and it made me want to be a stand up comedian when I grow up.
Peace in the mid west!

I could have danced all night

Well we were not ditched there was just a communication glitch tonight so I went down to the La Jolla Comedy Store for my set. I got there at 8 pm to a sold out crowd, cool! Looked at the lineup, I was last, not so cool! I stayed though and was going to be a trooper, because this is what I want to be when I grow up, but it just got worse and worse. Around 10:30 the crowd thinned out to around 20. With 4 comics to go before me there was a group of 6 on one side and a group of 3 on the other. I don't know what happened but the group of 6 flipped over their table and glasses went flying and broke. This was comedy! I thought long and hard and came to the realization that I would go home. With 2 comics left before me and 5 people in the audience (not counting fellow comics) I threw in the towel. I told the manager my parents hugged me enough when I was little and didn't need anymore-unnecessary attention. Now I am home and wondering why I left. I guess I should have stayed and told jokes to 5 angry people. Would it have helped me be a better comedian? Would the people have laughed? I don't think my Pro Catholic set would have gone over very well. Would Jesus have gone on? Probably. Judy didn't, but she'll be back Thursday night.

Loose Slots and Trips to LA

Tuesday was supposed to be my official happy day of fun. Cousin and soon to be ex boss Bob took me and Renee to a local Indian reservation were we donated some money to their tribe. We didn't just write them a check, anybody can do that! We gave them a substantial amount of money one by one in the form of quarters. Did it take a long time? Yes! But that is the kind of people we are. When we set out to do something we do it right. The nice Native Americans gave Renee some of here money back because she knew some black guy named Jack. I on the other hand am a stranger to Jack and left all my money there. We will try again next Tuesday until I have my happy fun day.
Tonight I am going to LA with some of my friends from the Comedy Store. I have no idea where we are going but I know it's some kind of showcase. I hope it is not a new comedian hazing. I will let you know if they beat me up to let me into their gang. We wouldn't fight in our gang; we would just be real cynical.

Beach and Breast Day Part III

We will chronicle the last 24 hours because I am in charge and I can do what I want. I am the boss of this blog! My mom came down with me to La Jolla and we went to mass at Mary Star of the Sea. After mass Gin Gin and I hoofed it over to check what time I was on at the Comedy Store. On the way over I had to introduce my mom to Ted, my resident neighborhood watch friend. Ted is the nicest man in La Jolla and the fact that he is homeless make that statement even more special.

After finding out I wasn't on until 10:05 p.m. (and seeing scary poetry Mary) we decided to go out to dinner with some family and friends. Then we walked around downtown La Jolla and ate ice cream and made fun of rich people until it was time to go be funny at the comedy store. Right when we got in and sat down I made friends with the table next to us. I convinced my new best friends Bet and Jimmy and their unidentified friends to stay until I went on. With their help the audience was 12 strong. I had a good set with lots of Catholic stuff and jokes about my mom hearing naughty things that mommies should never hear (or at least you should never hear with your mommy in the same room because you can die from the embarrassment that ensues). After that my mom and I had a sleep over and watched Family Guy DVD’s.

(DON"T READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT A BREAST BIOPSY AND THE END OF OPEN WATER)
Monday morning I was treated to IHOP! You know it's going to be a good day when you start it with pancakes. Then it was off to the Radiologist to take pictures and to biopsy my Scott Peterson lump. The first thing that happens in a core needle biopsy is the ultrasound. It's just like the ultrasound they do to see your baby when you are pregnant, but on your boob. The same... but different. So of course my technician lady can't find my Scott Peterson lump. At first I thought it was my mom's first official miracle but then the Doctor came in and she found it, sorry mom maybe next time. After she found it she marks it and numbs me up with a shot. She starts poking around and I said, "Please Doctor may I have some more?" And She said, "more? Never before has a boy wanted more!" Oh wait, that was from the musical Oliver. She did give me another shot though so I was nice and numb. The she put a hollow needle in and finds Scott Peterson with the help of the ultrasound. When she sees it on the ultrasound she put's another needle through the hollow needle and you hear this loud, BANG. That means she got a sample. She does this 6 times, each time with the big BANG, okay, it' more like a really loud CLICK but BANG looks more dramatic and believe me this was very dramatic. Now because I was numb it didn't hurt but it was like when the dentist is drilling on a tooth that is numb, you don't exactly feel what is going on, but you know it can't be good because you smell smoke. I didn't smell smoke but I definitely felt some pressure. Have you ever been to the dentist and afterwards you can't feel your cheek so you bite it and then later you regret biting your then numb cheek? I have too, but that didn't really happen today. So she patched me up and said I should hear results in 3 to 5 days. Once again, no lollypop for me. I always get the shaft. My mom drove me home and then she was off to meet my dad at a golf tournament.

Not being able to stay down during the day for more than 6 minutes without being medicated I drove to the beach. We had secured our fire ring for the night and the waves looked dismal so I drove home. John came not long after that and we went to see the surfing movie, "Riding Giants” It is a movie about crazy people who surf 60-foot waves, on purpose. It was a good movie and it fulfilled my surfing for the day. After that we went back to Mark and John's and gave John a haircut. John is going to South East Asia for "fun" and he needed a summer cut so no bus or small woodland creatures would burrow in his hair. We then made it down finally to beach day. Hence Breast and Beach day part 3. Beach day is not so fun when your boob is no longer numb and you never noticed before how many people tap you on your side that a crazed lady with a giant needle attacked you earlier that day. We finished the bonfire and having nothing better to do at 10:30p.m. on a Monday night we went to the movie with Kurt to see "Open Water". It was really good until the end when everyone gets eaten by sharks.

So now we wait 3 to 5 days. I know that every thing will come back fine, but knowing my luck the test results will get lost and it will take 6 weeks to find that out. This was the last beach day of the summer and my career at the Gathering. So I guess next Monday will just have to be Breast day.

Yuck Yucks at the Comedy Store

This week I am at the Comedy Store Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday night. All shows start at 8pm. 2 drink minimum, yada yada yada.

Lounge Act

I am officially a lounge act. I went to the Shelter Point Hotel and Marina, I didn't get to play in the marina but instead did a set in AJ's lounge. There were about 6 other comedians and a lady named Mary who wore a tube top and read her poetry, crazy man crazy. It turned out to be a contest and the first prize is a night's stay at the hotel. I promised Renee I would take her if I won, since she went with me and helped me escape from a drunken boat man. I found out the next day that the manager said I was definitely in the running, he also wanted to know if I would go out with him... I declined, I hope this doesn't ruin my chances to win!

"It's Not the Serious Store"

That was a quote my friend Julia, she's another comedian at the Comedy Store. She said this last night after two separate tense moments last night at the Comedy Store. One was about some crazy man yelling at another comedian, Cynthia, because he didn't like Jewish people. Cynthia could have kicked his scrawny butt, but she was held back by Matt Bragg and the dumb man was allowed to live another day. Then a drunk man tried to grab the mic away from Ray Combs Jr. Luckily 8 other comedians and bouncers came to his aid and everything turned out to be all lolly pops and sunshine. They even shook hands after, doesn't that just warm your heart? I think that's why I was a little on edge when I went up on stage. I was ready to do a judo chop if anyone came near me, thank God I have been taking kick boxing at the YMCA. I can kick you in an aerobic fashion and keep my heart rate at a healthy level.
So the lesson of the day is: If you go to the Comedy Store don't talk back to the people with the microphone. Also another lesson is don't eat the gum under the tables, it gives you a really bad tummy ache.

Strangers Have the Best Candy

Yipeeee it's 11:11pm and I am loved and I also just finished my set at the Comedy Store. I was second to last, which was so much fun. I am really starting to enjoy when I don't know anybody in the audience. Don't get me wrong, I love when my friends and family come to see me. But there's something to be said about making complete and total strangers laugh. I love it. I also love the fact that they have been sitting and sucking on their 2 drink minimum for 2 hours and 45 minutes and it's my job to make them not so sad. I love puppy breath, stay focused here!

My mom, GIN GIN is such a cool operator. The stinky doctors office said they could get me in for a biopsy September 9th! No way was I gonna wait that long. So my mom called and pretended to be me and now I only have to wait till Monday. . I'm gonna have an ultrasound and if my Scott Peterson lump still looks "suspicious" they will do a needle biopsy on it. Then I will only have to wait till next wednesday or thursday to find out what's up with my boys! This also means next Monday's blog will once again be about Beach day and my breasts, oh well.

Best of San Diego at the Comedy Store

As far as you know I will be at the Comedy Store this Wednesday and Thursday. Show starts at 8pm and there is a $5 cover and a 2 drink minimum, 21 and over. Please remember that the views expressed at the Best of San Diego shows are not those of God.

Breast and Beach Day Part II

Why must we always talk about my breasts the same day as beach day? Does it have to do with the sand? Is it the pull of the moon and the tides? I called the doctors office at 9am this morning. I got an MRI last monday, I was pretty patient for a week but I draw the line at a week and 6 hours! No sir, not me. I waited and waited and waited and she finally called. I thought the nurse would call so you imagine my delight when the actual doctor called. The radiologist found a one centimeter "suspicious" lump. Great, now people are judging me, suspicious. It's never good when you have stuff in you that's suspicious, it's like having cells being labeled a Scott Peterson. Not good I'm thinking. The nice doctor lady says I have to go get an ultrasound and maybe a needle biopsy. All I can think of is keep on the bright side. Think positive; at least now I get to disrobe in front of more complete strangers!
The second part of my day rocked! Ken brought Skip Frye down to the shores and we rode some of Skip's boards that (how cool is he) he shaped. It was cool paddling out beside the guy who shaped the board I was riding, I highly recommend it. There was a kooky guy who cut me off and pretended like I was a dumb girl and thought he was the coolest thing since warm butter. When I asked him how he was he muttered something in his cool guy language and paddled off, but other than that it was a very awesome set. I was also glad that my little cousin Jake got to meet Skip. He did a report on him in school and finally got to meet the man the myth the legend.
I hope next Beach day we can talk and not discuss my boobs.

Theology at the Track

I went to the Race track with John and his friend. I had never been before and I found out why...I can't pick a winner. My sister had a t-shirt once that said "pick a winner" and it was a guy with his finger up his nose. I think she gave it away though so don't ask to borrow it. Anyway, God didn't want me to win money at the track. On the way out to the parking lot we starting walking with this lady. Somewhere during the conversation I pulled out my rosary. Long story short, The ladies name was Mary and she had fallen away from the Church (or she was pushed, I'm not sure). We talked for a good 10 minutes and I convinced her to take my rosary and get back in touch with mom. It was so cool that we walked out of the concert just as she was. That at the last moment before I left my house I took out my favorite rosary out of my pocket and put in my nifty glow in the dark one that I ended up giving to Mary. God put's people in our path's for reason's we'll never know.

Sunday at the Comedy Store

10:23pm, 12 people at the comedy store, 9 of them actually paying customers. God I love this job. Ray Combs Jr. went up before me and killed and was really good and I almost didn't want to go up. Then I remembered I didn't have a job and this was my dream so I went up. It was so cool, I honestly didn't think anyone would look up much less laugh. I can't explain to you what happens when you do stand up and it works. I guess it would be like being a postal worker and delivering all the mail and not getting bite by a dog. No maybe not. Or maybe it's like when you get up and tell jokes to strangers in a dark room and they actually laugh...wait come to think of it, it's just like that.
When I got home I looked up some comedy festivals and found out where I need to send tapes. Hopefully I will get the footage from Steubenville San Diego soon so I can make my comedy reel. I need to get rich soon so I never have to get a real job ever again. I think I'm allergic to labor. Not having babies, but mind numbing work, it make me itch.

Funny ha ha not funny awkward

The Holy Spirit is the greatest thing that has ever happened to my comedy career!

Bunko with the Girls

I am in Vista today because this evening I will be playing Bunko. Yes, BUNKO! What? You don't know what bunko is? Well let me tell you about it. I'm pretty sure it's a pyramid scam or some kind of illegal money laundering gang. All I know is that I have been playing for 4 months at 10 bucks a pop and I haven't won jack squat. It's certainly not a game of great skill. First of all I think it's illegal for me to play because everybody else is in their 50's. You roll three dice and try to get 3 of a kind, which is called a Bunko. If you and your partner have the most points when the bell rings you move on to another table. At the end of the night the person with the most Bunko's win's the pot. Hmmm seems simple enough, kind of like dumb luck.
So why does the same damn lady win every month? A few theories:

1. The dice are loaded, I don't know what this means but I've heard of loaded dice in the mob movies and it's nothing but trouble.

2. The woman who keeps winning bunko has some sort of pact with the devil in which she sold her soul to win the most Bunko's every time.

3. The Bunko winner lady intimidates the other ladies into letting her mark down that she got a bunko when in fact she did not and needs the money for her crack habit and the other ladies are her enablers and are just waiting for the right moment to have a intervention.

I'm pretty sure it's number 3.
I gotta go I'm gonna be late for Bunko................


...........Nevermind...I won.

Thursday Comedy Store

I will be at the La Jolla Comedy Store Thursday August 12th. Doors open at 8pm, $5 cover, 2 drink minimum, 21 years and up. Bring a friend, or someone you meet in the parking lot!

Breast and Beach Day

Today was fun. I had a breast MRI and then was at the beach till 9:30 at night. The MRI was weird because well, duh. I had to have one because it's just something I like to do for fun.
No not really.
Because my mom and sister have had breast cancer and I had a lumpectomy in January I am a high risk monkey. An MRI is a good way to make sure everything is ok. I didn't know they would stick me with an I.V. when I got in there, that made me angry, but I couldn't yell at the lady with the needle. You don't want to make the lady with the needle angry. They kept paging her and telling her she had a phone-call and she was yelling, "I am with a patient!" I wish they had not agitated her so much, we need her relaxed and focused and not worried about her phone call, take a damn message! We need the lady with the giant needle to be cool.
In a MRI you have to lay down and be VERY STILL. So of course right away I got an itch on my nose and the ear phone's they put on my head slipped and were uncomfortable. The poopiest part was then even though I was a good girl, no one even offered me a lollypop! What a crock! That was the easy part, the hard part is waiting for the results. I laugh in the face of danger, ha ha ha. I actually laugh in the face of dancers, not danger. I suppose the eternal optimist in me says, "If I do have a terrible disease at least people will not ask me when I am going to get a job!" So pray that I do not go crazy waiting for the test results in the next few days, but I know they will come back fine because I can't get out of a finding a job that easy.

The second part of my monday was spent at the shores. After 4 hours of circling the parking lot I found a sweet front row parking space. It's the little things; the small victories in life that truly make me happy. I surfed with Jake, Peter and Austin and that was fun. I will miss going to the beach and getting paid for it; all the youth ministry stuff too, I'm gonna miss that too. I went with Kurt to borrow wood pallets for the bonfire and then we roasted weenies and hamburgers. The beach is fun but I will be so happy when the tourist go back from where they came from. I'm very glad I was born in California where we have an ocean and waves and a governor who can bench press a school bus. Amen

One Down

Just got back from the comedy store via picking up my friend from the airport. The Comedy Store was good, better than chewing on tin foil....oh God that's horrible! One set down for the week, next up is Thursday night best of San Diego. Dat Phan was there tonight, he's gotten much better and is such a cool guy.
I was recognized at the airport and no not as the lady in the bathroom who was singing the theme from Golden Girls either. She recognized me from SSD and that was cool and I felt like the Beatles, or Bing Crosby, or more like Charlie from Empty Nest when he is still recognized. I was reading my entertainment weekly article about Chevy Chase who is 60 in a few days! Who knew Chevy was so old. He's been out of the spotlight for a while so when I saw a photo of him I was caught off guard. That happens from time to time. You picture Chevy in his Fletch days or Cadyshack, so when you see his 60 year old mug, you gotta say, "Chevy, wha happen?" So I got a warm fuzzy because somebody knew who I was and thought I was cool, it felt like Christmas morning...except different.

Comedy Store

I will be at the La Jolla Comedy Store Sunday August 8th. Doors open at 8pm, no cover, 2 drink minimum, 21 years and up.

Unemployed and Hot to trot

As of September first I will no longer be employed by the Roman Catholic Diocese of San Diego.Being laid off from two jobs because of budget issues (USD's University Ministry's web mistress and a Youth Minister) might give other low self esteem and even make one question what cruel joke someone is playing on them...but not me. figure I will either succeed with my stand up or fail miserably and develop a nasty glue sniffing habit.

So how am I gonna do this? Well I have no idea. First things first I will be at the La Jolla Comedy store at least twice a week. I have a solid hour of clean humor I need more so I can rotate my jokes so I don't slowly go insane by telling the same one's over and over again. Now I know why Mr. Neil Diamond looks so sad when he has to sing Cherry Cherry all the time.

What I do know is that I spent about 8 hours trying to get my room ready to paint it. 8 hours. Taping and priming. Either I am functionally retarded or that Show Trading Spaces is a crock! They must feed those people speed to get those stinky rooms done in 48 hours or just promise them a big ol hug from Frank...who is happily married...to a woman named Judy!(No relation).