2010 Year in Review

I'm skipping past the year in review of 2009 and Im going to just let you know what happens in 2010.  2010 is really good for me, I'm not even gonna lie.  First of all I win the lottery and get run over by an Amtrak train all on the same day.  But don't worry, I settle out of court and let's just say in 2010 Mctraks run right on time.  The lotto win allowed me to finally buy my own place, one for each day of the week.  I finally bought everyone in my family new cars, mom, really loves her new Hummer and dad is all over town on his Vespa.  We make him wear a helmet, we have matching ones that I wear while I'm eating.

2010 also brought an opportunity to host my own late night talk show.  I declined the offer but kept the free t-shirt.

While on a trip to Ireland I fell down a hill and landed on my now fiance Dr. Seamus Patrick Sean Murphy.  He doesn't practice medicine anymore since he's so good at it.  We don't marry in 2010 because I told him I won't get hitched until he gets his handicap down.  Like I'd marry somebody with a 4 handicap, please, as if.

2010 also brought my 200,000 air mile which earned me the right to wear the pilots hat and 2 free refills on flights over 4 hours long as longs as no one has a bomb in their knickers.

Summer of 2010 was quite embarrassing.  While out for a late surf session a photographer from Sports Illustrated snapped a shot of me which landed on the cover which a major wash-board company president saw and signed me as there spokesperson.

The best part of 2010 in my opinion was my Oscar nominee for my portrayal as Michelle Obama, but that's another story, for another time.

Who'd a thunk it, little ole me?

2010 was a great year!

Spidey Senses

I don't know if God found a sale on spiders or what, but for the past week we have had a spider population explosion at our house. Our front walk way has hedges on either side, a perfect alleyway for spiders looking to catch a bug, a fly or a human in their web. You can hear when someone in my family forgets that they are there because a giant groan can be heard when the web hits their face.

I really don't mind spiders, they serve their purpose, they eat crawly things and without spiders there would be no Spiderman, just a man in tights and that's just weird.
What really got my Spidey Senses tingling was when I walked through yet another spider web on my way out to the movies last week.
Fast-forward 45 minutes, I am sitting in a darkened theater with my friends enjoying X-Men 3. My head itches. Hmmm, I used the special shampoo that was supposed to take care of that. It keeps itching right on top of my forehead. I didn't want to look like the crazy friend who scratches her head so much that she is forced to wear mittens, but I had no choice so I went to scratch and that's when I found it. As I scratched something went 'squish' between my fingers... I had found the source of my itch, I was playing host to a spider!
Mortified, I grabbed the flattened furry beast and flung it. Now in retrospect, I probably flung it onto someone else's head and caused them great distress but I panicked and in my defense I was severely traumatized. Why am I telling you about spiders? Well, because I am very lonely since my friends found out about my spider problem, and spider webs and sin have a lot in common.
In my life I see my sin as one of those spider webs I walk into from time to time. I hate when I walk into it, it feels gross and after I do it I swear I'm not going to be so stupid and walk through one again.
After I walk into a web I am very vigilant about where I walk, I leave the house like a crazy person with my keys out in front of me swinging violently to knock the webs down. It works for a while, but just like those sins in my life that I tend to repeat, after awhile I forget and walk right into one again. GROSS!
So what has this taught me? Well, since said spider incident I no longer use the front door where I know the spiders are. I now go around the back and that's the truth, it's not because my parents told me to because they are embarrassed by me.
And with the sin in my life, the ones I really struggle with, I try to avoid them all together. I once had a priest tell me a story while he was hearing my confession (He was an Irish priest. They love to tell stories). He said there was this man and everyday he walked down the same road and he fell in the same hole. This made the man pretty upset; I guess cause, really, who wants to fall in a hole. So each day he would try to go around the hole but he would still fall in. He would run really fast by it, but he would still fall in the hole. He would try to jump over it; but he would still fall in the hole. Seemed no matter what he did he would fall in this hole. That is until one day the man walked down a different road and guess what? No hole.
What is a sin that you seem to "walk into" over and over again? If your reading this and you don't have one I would just like to take the opportunity to say, "Cool! Jesus is reading this! Hi Jesus, I love you!"
We all have webs of sins in our lives. Jesus gives us the strength to walk new paths around. If you haven't gone to confession for awhile, what are you waiting for? Jesus knows that from time to time we mess up and walk through those webs and he is ready through the sacrament of reconciliation to wipe those webs off and say, "What web?"
Now if that doesn't get your Spidey Senses tingling I don't know what will.

A Letter to the Pope Pusher

Dear lady in the red jacket who pushed the Pope,

Really?  I mean, really?  You pushed the Pope?  He's 82, what were you trying to prove? Are you bummed about Notre Dame football?  And, twice in a row you bum rush my Holy Father on Christmas Eve?  You have some nerve. Are you the jerk that also steals baby Jesus' out of neighborhood Nativity scenes?  Well listen up coo coo clock, the Pope won't be bullied. We believe in turning the other cheek but we also believe in free weights and eating a lot of protein.  All I'm saying is that don't try to push the Pope again because he'll be ready.  I've offered him my services and by Lent he'll be sporting a six pack.
Your worst nightmare,
Judy "the Pope's trainer" McDonald
P.S. you owe a certain cardinal an apology and a new hip.

Merry Christmas!

Merry...

It's almost Christmas time and you know what that means...it will be legal to say MERRY CHRISTMAS! But please remember you may only utter these words on Christmas and to those who you know will not be offended.  Those who get offended by said phrase have never actually been seen but they do exist and are angry and offended and you should buy them a puppy if they spot you in a Christmas sweater.  You have been warned, God speed.

People I am praying for:

Instead of getting angry at people, a wise person once told me to pray for them instead.

• Those who live where it is not 78 degrees like it is here today. Move all ready, you know during winter it's going to snow, that's why they call it winter and not sunny happy summer time.
  
• People who circle the gym parking lot for 20 minutes looking for a spot close to the door so they don't have to walk far but then get inside and walk 20 miles on the treadmill.
• People who's legs are whiter than mine...I blinded a flock of seagulls whilst on the golf course yesterday and three of them died after crashing into trees.
• Whoever thought of the new Levi Strauss commercials, "Pioneers, oh pioneers." I think they need a hug, or a slap.
  
• Those who have never smelled puppy breathe and walked away a better person, puppy breathe is an untapped resource for world peace.
• Doctors without borders, I hope they find them soon and respect them.  They are there for a reason.
• Alec Baldwin, who says he is walking away from acting in 2012 because he is bored with it, I pray he doesn't think politics will fill the void.
• The people who take the McRib off the menu.  I think we are all in agreement, people love, "when the McRib is back".  So just leave it on the menu and sustain the love year round.  This counts for the shamrock shake as well.
• All the kids in the Gap commercials who will one day grow out of their "cutness" and will grow old, alone, bitter, wearing terribly out of date horribly small Gap sweaters from their commercial.
• Poodles...you know why.
  

NCYC 2009 Comedy

Forbes

Finally, the recognition I deserve! I made it into Forbes magazine.  OK, Forbes life, ok, the website, ok, the article is not about me but John Havens but I'm in the picture right next to him on the rowing machine...close enough.

111,646 Miles

I am home after a few months of scary motel rooms, Hog farms, giant conference and tiny parishes.  At last check my air miles for this year added up to 111,646.  Not bad for a girl from Vista.  Still not enough apparently to be upgraded on one of that longest flights of my life.  For some reason the Newark to San Diego flight can never be tamed with all the Benydryl, in flight movie or pretzels in the world.  After sinking into my 7F seat and an hour into the flight I began to accept the fact that I was not going to get bumped this time.  So I settled into my personal space in my row next to the very tall man in the middle seat and next to him an airline employee that I figured is an insomniac and can only soothe himself by riding airplanes at night for free.  I started out by reading the book "Up in the Air" on my kindle.  I'm trying to hurry this one up because it's a George Clooney movie that is coming out soon and I can't see it with only reading half because I wouldn't finish it after seeing the movie, I just know me.  But after reading a few more chapters I get mad because the character gets bumped to first class all the time whilst I sit in 7F.  7F is like second place for a frequent flier.  I know those people in rows 1 through 6, they are no better than the person in row 35 seat A.  Certainly no better than 7F.  I know the look they give me as I walk past them because I gave it on my last flight to the second place losers who did the walk of shame past the blue curtain and into second class citizenship which is coach.  If you are sitting in coach and want a blanket the attendant (who does not like to be called a waitress) will explain to you that since the swine flu has become such a problem blankets are now a health concern because of germs, sorry.  What they forget to say is that if they washed their blankets more than once a month it wouldn't be a problem but washing blankets is expensive and the dollar we charge you for your headphones to the direct TV that is installed but not working doesn't cover the cost of you snuggling up to your paper thin diseased ridden blanket.
If you are sitting in first class and ask for a blanket the waitress will excuse themselves, go to a special closet where silk worms are kept specifically to make your blanket and unveil a brand new blanket that is shrink wrapped and under lock and key.  And if a passenger from coach even looks at your blanket before you get it, the blanket is promptly burned and you are given a new one.
Back to 7F.  I fell asleep but awoke just in time to see the jolly green giant next to me spilling his water in my lap.  So refreshing!  I then saw a cute scene, the flight man attendant (is that proper terminology?) was walking backwards as he assisted a grandma into the bathroom.  He was very patient and made sure he was inside and and then he shut the door and left.  He went to get the drink cart and started delivering drinks while grandma Moses just hung out in the John.  I thought for sure he would have the lady stewardess take over for a while as he went to go rescue grandma from the John but he never did!  Finally I rang my call button and he shot a "coach look" at me which says, I don't get paid enough to help you if you are choking but you could be Sandra Bullock and are accidentally flying in  coach so I'll come help you this once but it better be good.  I looked at him and said, "You left the grandma in the bathroom!"  He rolled his eyes and went to the bathroom and put his ear against the door (which is way grosser than using a coach blanket) and threw his hands up in the air.  I guess she wasn't ready to come out since he heard no signs of life.  He walked by 7F making sure not to make eye contact and went back to serving drinks.  All I could think of was the sad grandma being too short and weak to open the door and sitting back down or worse yet being thrown back onto the toilet during turbulence and accidentally hitting the flush button and being sucked out over one of the middle states.  Trapped in the window seat I did the only thing a good Catholic girl could do and asked Jesus to help the grandma out.  I said she could borrow my angel for awhile if she needed.  As soon as I did that he went back and like a fireman rescuing someone trapped in a burning building opened the door and helped her out.  I was so glad she was standing when he found her and not stuck halfway in between the plane and over a cornfield. I fell back asleep knowing that the grandma was OK and if all went right she would make it to San Diego to see her family or her Marine recruiter.

Then a very strange thing happened, I was startled awake by turbulence but more than that a smell.  I had smelled that scent before.  Let's just say 7F is a row back from the middle lavatory and maybe after 3 hours into this flight and 5 other flights today it had finally revolted and was done.  Every time the door would open people in the first few rows of coach would put their heads further down into their pillows, sweatshirts or if he smelled OK, their neighbors arm.  Like a seasoned detective going into a crime scene I reached for my childhood friend, my 3 oz container of Vicks.  I slabbed some into my nose and for awhile I escaped "the smell".  But after awhile it just smelled like a mixture of Vicks and "the smell".  With a time check I saw the I only had 3 more hours left in the flight.  No problem, I will use this time as a kind of redemptive suffering.  What would Mother Teresa do in a situation like this?  She rescued people from the slums and no doubt it smelled much worse than this.  I can do this, I can...not do this!  I'm going to explode, I am not Mother Teresa, I will never move to India, I need fresh air, I need to breathe, I hate flying, I hate coach, I should be up there in first class, I have enough miles, who do these people think they are sitting in MY SEAT?
And then I remembered or rather my exhausted Guardian Angel reminded me, I had loaded a full season of Golden Girls on my ipod before I had left.  I calmly shoved more Vicks up my nose assumed as much as a fetal position as I could in my 7F home and watched 2 hours and 45 minutes of Blanche, Sophia, Rose and Dorothy until we prepared the cabin for landing.  Upon touch down in San Diego I made a promise to myself.  "I am not flying again until 2010 and when 2010 comes and it's time to fly again, I will not fly without nose plugs, my Snuggie, Horse tranquilizers and depends!"

NCYC 2009 Blog

Last weekend I had the extreme pleasure of being with 22,000 of my closest friends at the National Catholic Youth Conference.  I had my very own concurrent session and was also part of the comedy club.  There's something special about walking around a convention center and knowing that if you suddenly drop dead you will get last rites from one of the countless priests walking around or even one of the 27 Bishops who flew in from all over the country (they took a plane because everyone knows only Cardinals and up can fly with the help of the their holy cape) to hang out with their flocks.

A great thing about the conference was the fact that I got to see all  my buddies who also travel and have fun jobs for Jesus.  We all had dinner at the Japanese steak house one night but I feel that none of them quite had the same experience that I had.  I just really appreciate Japanese hibachi showmanship, when good food and good entertainment meet, it's magical.


I also got to see the return of my friend Bob, who just a few months earlier suffered a series of strokes and was even paralyzed for awhile.  To see him on stage in front of thousands of people was truly awesome.  I especially liked his idea of turning a collection of piñatas and toilet paper loose on the crowd.

It's times like this when I get to look around and feel normal with what I do. Maybe it's just being surrounded by other weird people who have the same kind of job that I do.
I get to relax and be surrounded by fun Catholic people who understand what it's like not to have a traditional job in the eyes of the secular world or in the eye's of the church.  Sometimes the only eye's that really get us is the big JC.  We work for Jesus and we also like slapstick.  This is why he sent them out in 2's...so they wouldn't feel like dorks.

Bacon Has a Face...and a snout and a curly tail.

Greetings from my new bacon free life...oops, never mind apparently I ate some friends who made their way onto my meat lovers pizza.  I thought meat lovers meant, I love...oh, never mind.

Goose, Geese, Gack!

I am...the goose whisperer.

Corn, Cats and Dogs

My home for the last week has been on a family farm in Indiana and boy has it been fun and aromatic, I never really knew the punch hog manure had until I experienced it first hand.

Wow.


Now that I'm in the know, I was so outraged that there was still corn in the field that I attacked it with a judo chop.  Little did I know that corn is not a passive crop.  It sucker punched me immediately after this picture was taken...I hate corn.  It's unnatural for us to eat. It comes out the same way it goes in.  And for that reason, I am denouncing corn.

But I do enjoy the sight of 30 loitering cats hanging out by the dog food.  That just puts a smile on my face and makes my nose run.  Cats on a farm are good because they give the mice something to fear.  And mice need to be taught that they are not the boss of everything.  Look at what happened to Mickey when the power went to his head.  This is why I tolerate 30 cats on a farm.  And I don't mind if they eat corn.

Of course my favorite thing on the farm is the labs. Yellow, chocolate and black all living in harmony,  truly God's favorite animal.  But, I was told not to let God's favorite animals too close to the kittens as they tend to snack on them if given the opportunity, duly noted.

Eternal Make Up

One day you will die.  Sorry, you will.  Have you thought about it?  Have you thought about the fact that one day your friends and family will gather around your coffin one last time to say goodbye?  Have you thought about the fact that they might not recognize you when they see you lying in the coffin?  Is it because your soul is gone and now you really are not there anymore, but it's just your earthly shell?  Or is it because the person who did your makeup and gave you your eternal perm had no idea who you were or what you really looked like.  The person in the coffin doesn't mind but it's more of a trauma inflicted on those saying goodbye. 
Why do funeral homes insist on putting blue eye shadow on women and blush that must be called Rosacea on the package, not good.
I remember my grandma's funeral.  Not only was it terribly sad because I lost my best friend, but when I walked up to her casket I thought there had been some sort of mistake and they were trying to pass off Robin Williams dressed up like Mrs. Doubtfire as my grandma!
I understand that once we die and especially if our bodies go through a tramatic death, it shows and we won't look that "peaceful, like she's sleeping".  But really, I don't think some places even try.
I  think funeral home make up is a special calling and I don't think enough people are picking up the phone.  I know this is a weird topic, but sooner or later it will effect all of us...unless your cremated.  Then, never mind.

Florida

I was in Florida this weekend and met up with old friends and also met all sorts of new friends.
My favorite adopted grandma and her family met me on Saturday after my talk and took me out for local cuisine, "Applebees".  I love my grandma, and I'm pretty sure I'm her favorite "adopted white grandkid".
Later that night my friends, the Wright's took me to partake in one of my favorite hobbies, visiting Walmarts of our Country.  So fun and so good for the soul. 
I also met Abbey.  Abbey is a retired service dog.  She's done being a helper because her master who she helped was healed!  And not just from a broken leg or a bad back but from MS...Abbey is OK with being retired I'm sure, at 12 she was probably sick of folding laundry and doing the dishes.

Apparently I might have mentioned during my talk that I am fond of Irish Catholic doctors and my new Sister friend from Uganda mentioned she had a nephew I could marry.  Her best line during our conversation was, "he's black." 

Sunday I realized my power cord for my Macbook was sitting in my house in Vista.  Now the new MacBook Pro's battery is good and lasts a long time but not 16 day good...off to Best Buy.  My ride was non other than one of my new best friends from Escondido.  Only I would have to go to Florida to meet people from 15 minutes away from my house.  Lucy and her mom and aunt were at the conference and were so much fun.  Lucy also graduated from USD and currently lives in Medjugorje and works in Mothers Village where she cares for a 2 year old little girl. USD seems to keep pumping out saints.

Oh, I also had a stare down with a cow.  The cow won.

Des Moines, IA

It's been very exciting so far in Des Moines, Iowa.  I got to meet the Bishop AND a giant piece of corn.  Saturday night I performed for a group of young adults who gathered in the Diocese offices, which use to be a bank, but now are the offices which both confused and delighted me.  Anyway, that was very fun.  After that we drove about an hour to the St. Thomas More Center which is about 3 miles from the middle of nowhere.  On the way we were systematically stalked by suicidal deer who tried to throw themselves in front of the Suburban.  I have learned from my short time here in Iowa, that if you happen to hit a deer while driving it's best to just step on the gas and barrel through Bambi because if you were to break, it causes your vehicle to dip down and that allows the deer to break through your wind shield and impale you.  Then for the rest of your life you have to walk around with antlers sticking out of your head.  And at parties when you sit down people will mistakenly put their coats on your head because they think you are the coat rack and that's not fun, quite frankly it's embarrassing. Adult acne is hard enough.  Adult acne and deer antlers would frankly be too much.

I also saw a shop that was not open at the time but sparked my interest.  Apparently it's the place in town to go if you have a hankering for some rump roast and also have to get your bike fixed, simply brilliant.  One stop shopping at it's finest. 
We were also regaled of stories of what will happen if you die and no one finds your body for several days...and you have cats.  That cat that you took care of, petted, feed and cleaned up after, will in fact start to eat you.  True story.  I also learned that most of the chickens we eat don't have beaks.  Why?  I don't know, that was not explained to me.  All I know is that unless I see it and kill it myself, I ain't gonna eat it.  Gosh, I hope I hit a dear on the way to the airport because I have been afraid to eat since I got here.

Minnesota and Iowa

I have so much to tell you...so much.

First of all, in Iowa and Minnesota they eat a thing called taco in a bag.  It's brilliant.  Basically it's a taco but instead of a shell, everything you would find in a shell is instead in a bag of chips.  If the joint is fancy, Dorritos.  I think if Mexico ever hears about this many tortilla jobs will be lost and several pounds will be gained.

Also I learned that in Iowa if you take a certain class you have to carry around a fake baby with you to a youth rally.  Isn't that awesome?  At my high school, there were real babies, but now with technology, we can just use dolls, that's cool.

There was so much more to tell, like how Farmville let me communicate better with my Mid-Western kin, but I will save it for next week as I return to Iowa on Friday.

Go Corn!

Walk with a View

On my walk along the beach this morning I had company.  I kept pace with a pod of dolphin.  As I chugged along they swam and scared the crud out of surfers by popping up right beneath them then cutting the off on waves.  A few times they would actually surf in the waves and then jump out before the wave broke.  It was the coolest thing ever.  It was right up there with the time I was flying in first class while Golden Girls was on the direct tv...that's how cool it was.  My camera phone does not do the scene justice, but you get the idea.  I wonder if somewhere a dolphin is retelling the story of how he kept pace whilst a smoking hot chick clunked along the boardwalk; probably has a better camera phone than me.

Holy Birthday!

Today was a new record for a birthday party: 3 priests, a deacon, 2 sacristans a campus minister and a golden retriever.
Best party ever!  Once again the average age at the party was 73. I learned many things of value from my guests none of which I can share at this time.  Next year's guest list will include the Pope...maybe.

St. Norbert

I'm at St. Norbert College today looking for the illusive "white squirrel" and telling jokes to people who are angry that it's already FREEZING and it's not even Halloween yet.  It was hard to get here thanks to Joe Biden and his field trip to Minnesota which clogged up the airports for several hours, but now that I'm here, I'm leaving tomorrow at 5am.  No rest for the funny.

Maryland

Crab cakes, Groundhogs and glitter, oh my! 

I had a great time in Maryland this weekend and was blessed to be joined by some good friends. 

In other news just got back from a taping of the Jay Leno Show.  We just happened to go up to Burbank the day  it rained...it never rains in Southern California, until today.  The drive up wasn't bad but on the way back it seemed a "psycho with a gun" closed down Glenddale.  Instead of driving away at breakneck speeds of up to 3 miles per hour we pulled off, just where the streets were blocked off while looking for said phyco...once again we missed ALL the exitement, boo.  Getting ready to Wisconsin on Thursday and back home Saturday for my birthday on Sunday.  Please no gifts, just cash.
Just kidding, no I'm not, buy me a car.  Just kidding, no I'm not really for the love of God, somebody float me some 'G's, I'm totally not good for it, but I'm cute and that must be worth something!

Miles

My Nike+ ipod just told me I logged 1000 miles and my car is about to turn 150,000 miles.  I should stay home and just sit for awhile.
I'm pretty sure I can get a new car but I might slow down on the miles I put on my feet.  Perhaps I'll start mountain climbing with only my arms.  No, I would have to drive tothe mountains.  I could swim more but the dogs have threaten to drown me if I swim with them again.
I could do isometrics, isn't that when I flex, relax and repeat?
I might start my work out dvd's again but I get too easily emberresed when the dogs walk in.  They stare.  It's awkward.
Golf doesn't count unless I walk, but really, who does that?  I could surf but that involves driving and the chance of being eaten by a shark or a confused rabid seal.
There's always squash, but I don't have the right outfit.
Bowling is disgusting.
Perhaps just sitting still while watching Golden Girls.
Yes.

Swamp

Summer's Not Over Yet

Frank

I performed comedy at St. Francis on Saturday night for parishioners who had donated to the building campaign and I was a bit nervous.  I have been performing at St. Francis since the first time I lied about the whereabouts of my homework and since have done a few show performing stand up there too.  But this time was different.  Why? Because this time, OK, no it really wasn't that different but it was fun. 
Adults (mostly over 50 years in age), food, wine and comedy.  Really, you can't go wrong with that combination. 

I also know for a fact that 3 people there were legally deaf without their hearing aids, but they seemed to love it even more.  I'm trying to take that as a compliment. 

As always having my parents there is a little nerve racking.  Not because they don't know I do jokes about them but the opposite, they love the jokes I do about them and both gave me suggestions on what jokes I should do.  "Talk about how I put you into the fan, Jude."  People think I'm picking on them but they love it!  I think they secretly do things just to get in the routine. 

Performing on front of our new pastor was also scary, this was make it or break it time.  This could either help or hinder my future penance with him, but every time I looked his way he was bright red.  So either he was laughing a lot or choking on an egg roll, either way, he looked like he was having fun. We will see at the next 'confession-palooza'.


I head up the 5 tomorrow for a show, it's nice not having to get on an airplane.  It cuts down on travel time and jet fuel. 

What I Do When Ellen is On (and Being DVR'd)

There was thing on Ellen's website about sending in a video about what you do when watching her show...I dvr it so I can play catch with my dogs in the pool.  I suppose I could make another video about what I do whilst watching the dvr'd show but really, who has time for that...I think I did the assignment wrong.

God Bless You

What NBC says:

When NBC News Chief White House Correspondent Chuck Todd sneezed during a White House briefing, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius' first natural reaction was a polite, "Bless you." Her second was an exasperated demonstration of sneezing into the crook of your arm, eliciting chuckles from the crowd and Todd himself.

What I say:

Kathleen Sabelius then denied him a hall pass to go to the restroom and told him to "spit his gum out and sit up straight."

Pat, I'd Like to Solve the Puzzle but Probably Can't.

One of my mom's favorite shows other than the Golden Girls and Neil Diamond specials has to be Wheel of Fortune. Pat Sajak and Vanna White can be found in our living room most week day nights at 7pm.  Usually when I'm watching the show with her she will turn to me at least once during the show and say, "you should really go on this show." I get this a lot.  No, I'm serious, I get it a lot.  My friends and family who watch TV  always say I should go on different shows and I totally agree with them.  If only it was that simple.  If only my mom and dad's word could vouch for me with producers.  But in reality that's not quite how things work (I think, I mean it's been awhile since I worked on a show, I could be wrong).
So when my mom left me a note saying "September 19-20 San Diego Wheel Auditions", I knew I was in trouble.

The Wheelmobile is coming to San Diego...get out of the way!  

This weekend me and ma will drive out to the Wheelmobile.  What is the Wheelmobile you might ask?  Here is what the official Wheel of Fortune web site says:

What is the Wheelmobile? It's 39 feet long, 13 feet high and bright yellow. It rolls through cities, down highways and into America's heartland. Wherever it stops, huge crowds are waiting. It's giving fans all over the country the chance to try out for America's favorite game show. The Wheelmobile serves as the preliminary screening process before the final Wheel of Fortune contestant audition.

  Oh happy day, this is it, Jude on the Wheel.  But hold on flap jack, I doubt I will even set foot into the Wheelmobile.  Don't get me wrong I would love too but I'm sure it won't happen.  Here are some reasons why.

People discriminate. 
At first it was against the Irish.  Now it's against comedians.  When people hear that you are a comedian they think you are nothing but a chuckle head.  Please don't think I have a complex since I've mentioned this before. But any comedian will tell you people treat us different and it's not always a good thing.  Sometimes I just want to play the wheel not tell you a joke. So, don't think I'm trying out to boost my comedy career.  I'm trying out because I love my mom and want to sublimate my comedy career with some wheel cash whilst also winning a fabulous trip to sunny Acapulco.

Brain Freeze
I have never actually had stage fright.  Believe it or not, I could care less.  But I have had occasions in my living room where I have not been able to think. Have you had this experience?  Knowing an answer to something and not being able to get the answer from your brain to your mouth and out?  Some people have referred to this as a brain freeze, or even a brain fart, how ever you say it, from time to time it happens to me, while playing the wheel from the comfort of my own lazyboy.

Happy Crowds Make me Angry
Do I really have to explain this one?  Or maybe I do so I don't seem like a socially inept person. While I'm on stage I love a crowd that makes a lot of noise and is interactive with me. Responsive to what I have to say, they want me to like them. This is just one of the things that the producers of game shows looks for.  People who can actually play the game and look like they are having a good time as they do it.  The problem is when you gather hundreds of people together in a room all vying for attention of a few key people,it can get loud and annoying.  Truly genuinely happy people are awesome.  But people who yell, jump and wear outfits and are fake happy near my personal space are not ok and make Jesus cry...that is why it rains.  I'm sure as the producers look out and see a sea of jumping, screaming smiling people, one scowling Sandra Bullock looking annoyed woman will certainly stick out and promptly be crossed off their list.

Spell Check
The final nail in the Wheel of Fortune coffin might be inability to spell.  The fact that spell check could not even recognize my first several attempts to spell 'inability' might be a clue.  I am a victim of technology. I might never be able to spell the words 'different', 'weird', 'occasional' or 'embarrassing' unassisted.  Wow, the words I misspell sure have nothing to do with me...weird.
This might be a hinderence while auditioning for a show that to do with spelling.  Also, consonants and vowels, confuse the heck out of me...so, "A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y", are we not sure about Y yet?  This isn't shtick, I really have no idea.

Wardrobe
Maybe this is a problem in itself, how do I impress the producers of What Not to Wear? I'm not opposed to new clothes as much as I am opposed to spending my money.  If someone else would shell out the clams for me to sport a new look that would be perfectly acceptable. If I could just get on that show before auditioning for the Wheel of Fortune in a casino with hundreds of my closest really happy friends in polyester, it might help my chances if not just really boost my self esteem.  


Hopefully my next television appearance will be telling jokes on purpose and not being the joke because I couldn't solve a phrase like: D_N'_   J_D_ _.  Don't Judge, but, that would be horrible.

Baller Remembered

My People, My Haggis

Watching, almost makes me want to go back...

Kindle: To catch fire; burst into flame...I'd Read That.

I’m thinking about investing in a Kindle.  Kindle is Amazon’s digital book reader.  You can download books, newspapers, blogs, magazine from anywhere you can get a cell signal for a fraction of the price of a real book. It reads like a book, it doesn't hurt your eyes like reading from a computer screen can. It sounds so cool and as I have observed on countless flights, looks cool too. And that’s the real reason I read, to look cool.

But of course I started thinking (the one thing that usually helps people usually hinders me, thinking). The Kindle would be really cool but what happens in a few years?  When I first got my Intellivision system (bastard child of the gaming industry in the late 70’s) it was the coolest thing ever, until I got my Nintendo system.  Will the same fate be true for my Kindle?  Will I invest money in books through my Kindle only for it to stop working like my beloved Intellivision?

To some people, books are things to be cherished and passed down to younger generations or friends.  That would be lost with the Kindle. 

Being stranded on a desert island with any 10,000 books (which a Kindle would hold) would be awesome!  Awesome until you run out of batteries.  Last time I checked, desert islands lack power outlets.  I guess after the Kindle runs out of batteries you could crack coconuts with it or signal a rescue plane.  If it got really bad you could hit yourself over the head with it until you pass out. 

With a real book on a desert island you could read it a couple hundred times, act it out with monkeys (and after a couple of weeks the invisible people you start to see), tear out some pages and use the paper for things you need paper for but the desert island store doesn’t carry, use pages from the real book to make a house out of paper mache or fuel for fire (good thing you packed your flint!).

So the desert island test, I think it’s obvious, the Kindle totally wins!

Another thing I would miss about real books is my fondness for throwing them.  When I’m reading a particular challenging book (i.e. Dick and Jane) I often times throw it across the room out of frustration or discuss. In theory I could still do this with a Kindle but I think it would not bounce back like a traditional book would.

I would have to be very careful while reading the Kindle near the pool. Taking it in the pool to read on a tube would just be stupid since my dogs would probably think it was a chew toy and I would eventually give in and throw it like a Frisbee for them. 

The other thing that worries me is reading a Kindle on a plane.  You have to turn off your Kindle during takeoff and landing.  A flight attendant has never asked me to stop reading a real book during a flight.  I have been asked to stop reading aloud, but never all together.

The great thing about traveling with a Kindle would be space saved.  Sometimes I bring anywhere from 1 to 5 books with me on a trip because I tend to be a fast color-er. Kindle would cut the weight of my carry on way down, something that would be very helpful to me as I sprint through airports.  I do this not because I’m late for a flight but just because I am serious about cardio and love running in indoor spaces. 

In conclusion my Kindle should be here on Tuesday.

During the prayers of the faithful at 5pm mass we prayed for our Pope...Benedict the 14th.
I guess no one has updated the prayers of the faithful at our Parish for a while.

Tommy Plunkett: Hero

My oldest nephew Tommy has a new edition to his wardrobe.  It's that black sock, isn't it awesome!  He also has a cast.  He got it because he is an extreme skateboarder.  This is how he hurt it:
Tommy was skateboarding in Oceanside just minding his own business when he saw a giant bird swoop out of the sky and pick up an old lady's dog right out of her hands.  Hearing the lady's cries and enraged that a bird thought he could eat her dog made Tommy furious.  He started to skate as fast as he could as the bird took the poor dog higher and higher into the air.  Tommyt saw a man putting his longboard into the rear of his truck and without hesitation threw his cell phone at the back of the man's head which made the man fall forward onto his board which in turn made the longboard into a perfect launch ramp.  Tommy went up the long board into the sky and grabbed the little dog from the clutches of the bird.  He landed perfectly and skated back to the old lady and gave her back the dog.  She was so happy she hugged and kissed Tommy.  Her breath was so bad he fell backwards into oncoming traffic and his foot got run over by a guy in a Hummer who was texting on his phone while driving.

Or at least that's what I heard what happened.  Only 3 and a half more weeks in the cast to go, until then, old ladies, hold on to your dogs.

Twittering Tony Hawk Pays Off

Today, Twitter told me Ellen was a new judge on American Idol, Garrison Keillor had a mild stroke (so now he might speak even slower?) and it earned my nephew Mikey a brand new bike from Mr. Tony Hawk.

For real.

Here is my Twitter time-line which lead to a happy fourth grader.

Around 7pm I was perusing Twitter when I saw that Tony Hawk, Pro Skater and video game character (whom I have personally done seriously screen damage too on many occasions) was going to hide his last Huckjam bike somewhere in the 760 area code. Tony likes to stash bikes, skateboards and small woodland creatures around San Diego and then lead his Twitter followers (better known as 'Tweeps' on a scavenger hunt to find the stash.

A little after 7 p.m. this evening he put up the clue: "There is a big "L" in Carlsbad, the first letter of the a place as you drive in. I hid a bike behind it. You're gonna have to walk a ways."

I quickly sent it to my sister over IM and then called her. After she figured out it was the sign outside of the Lego Land entrance she got Mikey in the car and off they went. Mikey kept calling me and I would check Twitter to see if anyone had beaten them to the bike yet. A couple times my sister thought it was too late, but since no one had claimed victory I told her she might as well drive to Lego Land and if they saw Tony Hawk she should have Mikey cry and maybe Tony could sign his forehead or something.

Then Tony posted a clue: "Hint: The L is made of small bricks. That's all you get."

Great, now all the people just hanging out in Carlsbad who just at that time checked their Twitter have the edge on my sister and Mikey who are still four miles away on the 5 South. I called her and told her the clue and she dug deep and found a new sense of purpose in life (not really, but if I didn't pep up the story you would have been out of here two paragraphs ago).

When I looked at his page that is when I realized that having 1,542,026 followers on Twitter must be really exciting but also a bit annoying and overwhelming at times. There were a lot of comments but none who had claimed to have found the bike, we were still in business (I have to say I am really proud of you for hanging in this long!).

Tony posts again: "& I didn't realize they were closed, so you kinda sorta have to trespass. Hopefully that makes it more fun. If U get busted, forget my name."

At this point I start to feel like a 911 operator fielding a call. I call Mikey back and tell him he's going to have to be the one that climbs over fences or run to get this bike because he's only nine and he can't be tried as an adult, again, in the same day. If Lego Land is closed this might be sketchy. In my head all I could see was bad to the bone dude's in their brown paneled vans hanging out by a giant "L" smoking off brand cigarettes, holding clubs and chains waiting to jump anyone who dare beat them to the bike whilst Tony Hawk hid in the bushes and watched the whole thing play out as he filmed it and then sold the footage to some underground website and use the cash for more bikes to hide again, a sad cycle indeed.

Happily that didn't happen.

What did happen is that My sister, Amy and nephew Mikey got there right in front of another car and both ran like they were being chased and found the bike. Mikey promptly got on it and rode right past the nice Carlsbad Police officers that rolled up on the scene. Reportedly second place got a ticket for trespassing..bummer, her sister must not have been giving her guidance from home.

Amy snapped a picture of Mikey on his new bike and emailed it to me and I promptly posted it saying: "FOUND IT! You just make Mikey very happy Tony! Cops came and everything. Score, whoo hoo." along with this message to Tony I attached a link to the happy boy and his bike.

The awesome and kind of scary part was when Tony Hawk 'retweeted' my post and in a matter of minutes the link got thousands of hits. As I write this it has received over 8,000 views and that's hilarious but also interesting. When you have 1,542,113 following your Tweets and you post a link I guess 8,000 of them clicking on it is not that big of a deal. In fact, it's kind of poor numbers percentage-wise. But for someone who on average gets 5 - 50 visits a day to her site, 8,000 views to a picture on her 'twit pic' account in a brief window is to say the least, impressive.

What did I learn tonight?

I learned my sister is an awesome mom for dropping everything on the word of her little sister to go on a scavenger hunt for a bike hidden behind a giant 'L' for her youngest son.

I learned that there are still celebrities that can have fun and do small things that people will always remember. I also learned that having someone with 1,542,113 followers link to your site plays havoc with your web stats.

I learned that my 243 'Tweeps' who follow me deserve more scavenger hunts from me but have to wait until Mikey let's me borrow his bike.

I learned that since Lance Armstrong and Tony Hawk are BFF's on Twitter, that means there is a good chance @LanceArmstrong looked at that link that @Tonyhawk posted and saw the picture and I just want Lance to know if he happened to glance at the picture next to the one Tony linked too, my hair does not usually look like that. I think the picture was taken after a long training ride, I mean a run, I mean I was sweating cause I had just finished off a box of donuts, back off Lance!

So thanks Tony Hawk. You made a nine year old happy and pretty much guaranteed he would have the best Show and Tell story in the class...FOREVER.! "The night Tony Hawk almost got me arrested."

Your Baby Goes to College.

My parents left Monday for a cruise. I brought them down to the boat myself, on piggyback. I made sure they got on and apparently they were on their second buffet by the time I made it to the freeway. Now if this was the 80’s and I was a member of the ‘Brat Pack’ we would have the making of an awesome movie. Unfortunately it’s 09/09/09 and the only people who want to film me is a government watch group who has me confused with the other Judy McDonald who is a country line dancer in Canada. Some day I hope to have a "Judy McDonald: get to know the other side of Judy" party. I would also invite the Realtor Judy McDonald, as well as the artist and the doctor. A good time will be had by all, except the mime Judy, she's kind of a jerk.

Life without the roommates has been productive so far, I’m almost caught up with my DVR and there is not one dirty dish in the sink (That’s cause I have buried all the dirty dishes in the backyard). I’m working smarter not harder.

Today while trying to fast-forward a commercial during what I thought was a DVR’d show I realized it was actually live television, I know, scary. Being too lazy to hit the guide button and not wanting to mess up my system I had down of checking the “last” button on the remote I gutted it out, I watched the commercial. I know, I am so brave. It was for a product called, “Your baby can read”

The concept is simple enough, a DVD/program that teaches your baby how to read, because obviously you have more important things to do. Babies are such a hassle! First you have to make them, carry them inside you for 9 months, deliver them, feed them, change them, burp them, love them and now you expect me to teach them how to read? Thank God for this DVD, I guess.

The part of the commercial I saw was a lady enthusiastically talking about her two year old that was already reading at a first grade level. I’m sorry, but really? In our current education system, that’s no big deal. I was also sad for this lady because what if this is it for her baby? What if she has peaked at two? What if it’s all down hill from here. Sure, it’s awesome now to read at a first grade level now, but not when she’s in high school. Hopefully her baby has something to fall back on. That’s why this Christmas I will be coming out with my own line of DVD’s entitled, “Your Baby Can Crotchet” and “Your Baby can Weld.”

Walk This Way

On Sunday I went for a walk with a few friends and I learned that walking five and a half miles is really quite lovely. It's the walking the five and a half back that sucks. I also was fascinated at the different view I got while walking as opposed to driving. Because I walk much slower than I drive I see much more and the fact that I am three feet closer to the ground while walking I smell a lot more things too. My view while walking allows me to see houses I never knew were just off the main streets, the size of trees and just how many people throw their trash on the side of the road. People should be like me and just store their trash in the back of their car until a proper receptacle is found, or until the show 'Hoarders' contacts you as a potential participate.

We walked to my favorite buffet; Costco but sadly the sample ladies had packed it in for the day. As a matter of fact by the time we got to Costco it was ten minutes till closing. We had just enough time to use the facilities, buy a snack that just negated the five and a half miles we had walked and sit down for a few minutes. There is something liberating about walking into a Costco and knowing they will not get more money than my Mocha Freeze costs me. Anyone can say as they go into Costco, “all I need is a pallet of Diet Pepsi, 90 rolls of toilet paper and some steak” but it’s another thing all together to leave Costco under budget with just the things on your list. Something comes over me in that warehouse setting. Some primal survival hunting and gathering switch, which makes me, want to store up for winter. It’s precisely this phenomenon that makes it slightly uncomfortable when walking into Costco with only my Camelback as transportation home for anything I buy…needless to say the trampoline had to stay this time. As we left Costco and headed home we realized that the amount of daylight left did not equal the amount of miles we had to walk. Our pace quickened for a good seven minutes until we remembered how much walking fast is almost like running and running is from the devil. And lately I have been adopting some practices from my Greek Orthodox cousins of spitting at the devil. So if I do ever spit at you, do not be offended, just know I find some sort of evil in you, that’s all.

With about two miles to go dusk had arrived and for a brief moment I became a little scared. You will never find me walking in my town at night, never! Not all parts of Vista are bad, in fact the parts of Vista are not bad, just the people who may be occupying them at any given time are; just like anywhere else in the world. My fears subsided when I realized if attacked I could throw one of my fellow walkers in the path in front of the attacker and me and then outrun the others to safety. Of course then I would call for help for the others, of course!
Needless to say we made it back with eleven miles under our belts. I have a new respect for Jesus and the apostles ministering as they walked. I mean they didn’t even have a Costco card.

SAN to CLE

Leaving today for Cleveland, Ohio to perform at Oberlin College. I only have 6 hours of flight time so I will have to manage my time very carefully. This means no small talk with the person next to me. I'm going to launch into my profession right away. I'm going to have to not dance around the fact that I make funny for money. It's always awkward at first, especially because I often have a scowl on my face. It's not that I'm mad, I think I received some bad botox once and my brow just natural gravitates down. So when hearing I'm a comedian it's a bit comical because of my demeanor, but I guess that just proves that I am a comedian right off the bat.
The very best news is that it is September and that means all new movies. This guarantees no more "Hotel for Dogs" or "My Life in Ruins". As a back up my ipod is loaded of Season 4 disk 2 of The Golden Girls. Please control your jealously, it is not becoming of you. I'm excited to leave California because it's getting harder and harder to breathe here. Asthma and wild fires go together like Ashes and sweat or Dorritos and gum. If you hear of a passenger being thrown off a Continental flight today it might because I forgot to charge my ipod or I'm sitting next to a clown.

+++UPDATED+++
Someone thought it would be a cruel joke to show "My Life in Ruins" from San Diego to Houston...I was not amused.

Pax

After 2 days of waiting and eating whatever I wanted since I could have a had a horrible disease and drop dead at any minute I marched into my doctors office today and asked for my MRI results. A few months back one of those pesky "suspicious lumps" was found which started the fun process of inconclusive mammograms and the inevitable MRI. Family history and past surgical biopsies make it old hat for me.
Here is a tip from Aunt Judy, when the doctor's office says they will call with the results they are not lying. They just have a different concept of time that you or I might have. Because they would eventually call back but you could have died from natural causes in the mean time. The MRI man (I think that was his official title) told me the results would be read in a few hours and my doctor would be sent the results by the end of the day.
Fair enough. I have played this game before. I get a test done with the understanding that it is probably nothing and in the course of waiting for the results every Lifetime movie, telephone commercial and Hallmark card you see is about breast cancer.
The devil loves to take the unknown and twist it until every worst-case scenario is played out in your head until you are convinced that you soon will be a statistic.
Fear kicks in, maybe even anger, some confusion and before you know it you are standing in front of the fridge at 3am eating straight out of the carton of Rocky Road.

But not this time. Between the “finding” and today I had been traveling. In one of my travels I found myself at a healing service. Without going into too many details, I felt a marked difference after the prayers of healing had been prayed. When I say marked, I guess I am really saying heat. When I say heat, I guess what I am saying is that my boob got HOT! A kind of hot that only the Holy Spirit or a small trash fire can generate and since I didn’t smell smoke I knew the Holy Spirit had gotten the job done. A few weeks went bye and finally went in on Monday and low and behold today after having a sit in at the doctors office until the report was read my ears heard what I had already felt, “whatever was there before is gone now.”
“Well duh!” Is what I yelled on the inside but on the outside I just smiled and used my inside voice to say, “thank you”.
What I realized today while sitting in the office was that horrible disease or not I was ok. (I also realized the people at the front desk kind of freak out when they realize you aren’t going to leave until you are told your results and freak out even more when you bring a cooler and a DVD player with Lonesome Dove).
I have said it before but each time I go through a scare God leads me into a deeper understanding of what kind of peace He can bring. Sure having breast cancer would really blow, but I was confident that God wouldn’t let me go through it alone and not only be healed but be a witness as I went through it. And of course I would be ok, if it was all clear because, well, duh.
I guess the key is to understand that if you can find peace in something like that, you can find peace in the million stupid things that happen everyday, which are in no way as scary or stressful yet they still cause us great worry.
In the end, when you figure this out your either really holy and they fast track you to Sainthood or you die and you have a V-8 moment and think, why did I waste all that time down there worrying when I could have been eating ice cream and playing canasta with the elderly?

My other update is that my niece Sydney came out of surgery last night minus her appendix. Turns out she presented with a classic “appendix needs to come out case” but when they got in, it was fine but they figured, “hey we are already in here, might as well take this thing out so it looks like we know what we are doing”. They think she has a viral infection and the poor kid will spend the last week of her summer recouping from surgery.

But the real thing I would like to discuss happened last night. I went outside to play with the dog and cut some roses for a vase and while walking the grossest thing that has ever happened to me occurred. For those of you have ever had the pleasure of walking on the beach in California you have probably stepped on seaweed or bulb kelp and felt it pop underfoot. Well that’s what happened last night, in the dark and there was no seaweed around. I instantaneously knew what it was and every part of me wanted to have a Silkwood scrub right then and there. I ran in the house (very carefully) and got the flashlight. I came out and after a few seconds of searching found what I knew it was. I had stepped on a dead mouse and it had exploded! I knew it was dead because ants don’t usually gather that quickly in less they are on some sort of performance enhancing drug and if that’s the case I have a whole new set of problems. Praise Jesus I had my sandals on because I can barely get the thought out of Mickey exploding under my sandal and the thought of his spleen doing that on my bare foot would have taken all of God’s peace away and He would have had to come and personally driven me to the “get that terrible mouse exploding under your foot sound out of your head" doctor.

I just hope it wasn’t the mouse from my video just dropping bye to say hey.

Now you are in the loop, like it or not. If you have been offended because I spoke about my hot boob or exploding mice I am sorry, I don’t make this stuff up, I just report on it.

Monkeys, Wi-Fi and No Bugs.

We live in a world full of ways that make our lives easier. This will not be a reflection on that.

I did however have the chance to think about how lucky I am to live where I do, when I do. To live in an age where at any minute I can be in contact with just about anybody I know. Through mobile phones, instant messages, blogs, Tweets and smoke signals we know just about everything about everyone as it happens. Got a suspicious mole? Google it.

A weird looking butterfly just bit you in the neck? There's an ap for that.

I had about 40 minutes or so to think about these things yesterday as I hung out (literally) in an MRI machine. As you may know my Mom, Dad and sister are all cancer survivors and since most of my dad's side did not survive all sorts of different types of cancer, every time I sneeze twice in a row I have to have some test done because it might be the "C" word.

Not only do we have MRI's to see if there is a lump, bump or a tumor but we even have blood tests (that I contributed to after the MRI) that test for mutations in genes...so living in this time with this kind of technology with my genes is pretty awesome.

After being subjected to two hours of tests that would tell me if I had a disease or even if I had a higher percentage of ever developing a disease I had had enough. So I did what any good Californian would do, I paddled out and went surfing.

I thought of how lucky I was to be able to not only physically enjoy an hour of surfing but I didn’t have to feel guilty for doing so because I wasn't ditching out on work to do so. I am so blessed to be able to do what I love for (all be it a small one) a living. To live in a place that is truly beautiful and to have the freedom with my time to enjoy it is a gift.

The more I sat in the water the more my mind went back to where I had just come from and the people who don't have the option to leave. The people who even if they could leave the hospital, would not have the luxury of relaxing but would have to work even harder to pay off the hospital bills.

I even thought of those who would never get to the hospital in the first place because there are no such options where they live. People who never know they have cancer but just get sick and die. There are people who will never set foot in a hospital, not because of their fear of doctors but because there are no hospitals near them.

And that's when it came up again.

I have been having these tinges I guess you could say.

These desires that I dare not tell anyone but since no one reads this blog I can write them here.

I want to go and serve the poor.

Now please stop laughing and listen. I'm not talking for a year or even 6 months but I have a desire to go and push myself to see and help those who I would never meet. Those who never know the luxury of being inconvenienced by an MRI or a stack of insurance paper work. I can’t offer medical care, or plans to build an irrigation system, but I once made a 90 year old Croatian lady who didn’t speak English laugh so hard that she almost died, so I think that could be beneficial.

What good is it to stay and experience life in a comfortable bubble when there is such a great need for people to experience love and laughter? I swear I'm not turning into a hippie but in the past few years my travels that I look back at with the fondness memories have been spent with people in horrible situations who were in need of someone just to be with them. Someone who could be Christ to them if just by giving them supplies, a meal or a much needed smile.

I started thinking, where could I go? I have January and February open, so it’s going to be winter. I need to go tropical, I can't help people if I'm cold, I mean, I could...I would just prefer a tropical setting.

Which country could I go and experience and actually help others for a few months or weeks without hurting myself or them? There would definitely have to be monkeys wherever I go. Monkeys but no bugs. Monkeys, no bugs and Wi-Fi.

So you have been warned. The desire is there to serve my brothers and sisters who might not own more than one pair of shoes, understand what Tivo is or worry about the long term effects of aspartame. I know what I am suppose to do now is pray and listen.

When the opportunity presents itself, I will be ready to go.


That is as long as there are monkeys, Wi-Fi and no bugs.

Purdue University

Kyle, Judy, Fr. Patrick (aka Norm MacDonald) and Dan after a super fun, super successful show at Purdue University...I heart college shows.

Purdue Show 7:30 PM EST

Streaming .TV shows by Ustream

Dog Days

No Nay Never

I went running today and maybe it was for the last time. I went with my friend Katie who does not have the pain to brain connection. Let me explain, after I have been running for a few miles, or really, after I give a heads up to my body that I am thinking about running I feel pain. The pain from my body goes to my brain and in return my brain shuts my body down into a sad limping walk. My pain to brain connection is working. Katie's does not. As she sees me in the distance now walking she does things like run wind sprints up and down a hill till I get to her. Her pain to brain connection done broke! So running, I figured out yesterday is something I really don't enjoy. I've had a runners high maybe once but looking back it probably wasn't even runners high but the lingering effects of some Novocaine I received at a dental appointment. The benefits I receive from running do not outweigh the pain, therefore I think me and running are breaking up. I will still run on occasion. I feel running is very useful when dealing with stampeding elephants, or killer zombies. Also if I ever have to rescue orphans out of a burning building I will not saunter in but I will run. If I ever drink the water again in Mexico I will not skip to the bathroom but run; so you see running is not dead to me, we just decided to see other people.
Since running and I have been in a rocky relationship over the past couple of months now is the time to admit that I have been seeing other exercises.
Mainly I have been swimming. Usually swimming is a very good low impact exercise...usually But I have some Judy factors that make it not so. First of all I usually can not enter in the pool without my two lifeguards, Mac and Chewie following close behind. As dogs, they have no hands so when they see me swimming and assume I need "rescuing" they swim out to me and use their paws to "rescue me." Because their paws are accompanied by sharp claws what ensues is a kin to an underwater ballet knife fight. Evidence of my scarred arms and back, I have been "rescued" many times. Because of my over protective dogs I usually get about 2 laps in before it's just not worth it and I end up sitting on the steps. This 3-4 minute scene is not conducive to a cardio workout and is almost counter productive. If you ever have done any water sports you know that they make you hungry beyond belief because usually your body is burning thousands of calories but as I said the only ones burning calories are the dog-guards. So my consumption of Snickers bars before my swim is really hurting and not helping. Other factors include two nephews jumping in and out during lap swim and sometimes striking their target; which now really hurts since they are getting older and bigger. Riding on Auntie Judy's back while she swims is no longer fun for Auntie Judy and actually has come close to killing her several times. The lack of goggles and chlorine-trigger-happy pool man makes my eyes feel like I am in a constant dream sequence from Dallas. If I end up shooting J.R. I am going to be more than a little upset.
In the end, I'll keep swimming until our Southern California weather turns cold. In the end, I love swimming more than running but refuse to get in the pool in severe dips when it gets down to 70, that's just plain nuts I'm no polar bear.