Oh Lord it's hard to be Humble...

My knees hurt. Do you know why they hurt?
I ran.
I know I know, running is stupid and goes against everything I stand for. I never intended to run when I went to the gym today. I was just going to walk on the treadmill for a few miles. I only really like the treadmill cause you can watch television when you walk. Unfortunately for me I was in front of the TV with the Home Garden network on. I think that's the only official way to get your heart rate to rise when you watch that network. So I was walking minding my own business when a hefty lady got on the treadmill next to me. I was walking at a brisk pace of 3.9, not a neurotic New York pace, but fast enough to lose an elderly man who was chasing you with a heavy axe. I look over at the portly lady to glance out of curiosity at her pace and she is at 4.5! Oh no you don't, I was not about to let her go faster than me. So I upped my pace and before I knew it I was jogging. I couldn't believe it, jogging, how disgusting, I felt so dirty, but she could not win! All I know is that I ran 2 miles at a 5.5 pace and I beat her! She quit first because she couldn't hang with me.
I'm sure she had no idea of the drama that was going on next to her but I owe her a lot. From now on when I go to the gym I will pick the treadmill next to her and those of like poundage to motivate my heart rate and help my self esteem.

Gosh Den Norm

My sister is going back to Bismark. North Dakota today for Thanksgiving wih her Boyfriend and his family. Oh Gosh den she's gonna have a real good time den back there. She is going to FREEZE!!!! I am cold and it's only 68. That's how I know there is a God. There is a God and He loves me because he plopped me down in sunny San Diego. He put the good sense into my parents to move and get out of the frozen tundra and breed where it is warm and it's a good thing when people wear shorts; For the most part at least. I'm going to go walk into town now and see if I can find any of those Laguna Beach kids to point at and make fun of...in the most Christian way I can.

One more show and then I'm off

After Monday night football is over why not head over to Carlsbad to a bar for some comedy? OK maybe not but that's where I will be tonight. Squid Joe's in Carlsbad moved Comedy night after Monday Night Football so we could pack the house and all the drunks could maybe sober up before they get on the freeway. We just don't make people laugh, we are saving lives! Tomorrow I am house sitting for my Uncle in Laguna Beach. Hopefully I will see some of those kids from the fake reality show and I can minister to them. They are sad clowns. Granted from the outside I would appear to be a sad clown too, but at least they don't show it on MTV.
My mom and I bought the family Christmas tree today. I know Christmas is still a month away but it is in a pot and will be hanging out in the front yard for a couple more weeks. It's a living tree and we are going to plant it after Christmas. We bought it now because by the time normal people buy their Christmas trees all the living ones would be sold out. It's not like this is Oregon and you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a damn Christmas tree. I like that expression and although I have never swung a dead cat or do I condone such actions, it'a a great visual. I would take offense if you seaid swing a dead dog, or swing an elks club member, but a dead cat..ok.

Stood up

I was stood up today by a male. I had it all planned; I picked him up, (I actually had to wake him up, who takes naps at 1pm?) I bought HIM lunch, and then HE decides he doesn't want to go to the movies. I got stood up by a four year old! My nephew Mikey is totally the boss of me. I really wanted to see Sponge Bob the Movie today and he flat out refused. Now I'm out of luck because I can't go alone, that would look creepy if I went alone. People would judge me. I would judge me. I need to hang out with 3 years olds maybe. So if anybody has any kids who really want to see Sponge Bob but they can't stomach it, give me a call and I guess I'll go and watch it if I have too.

In and Out

After finding out I had lost two pounds I did what anybody in my situation would do, I went to In and Out. After ordering my double-double proteins style no onions I pulled ahead and waited in line and that's when I saw it. Through the back window I saw a member of the food service industry blowing her nose. Now she must have had a real bad cold because she was honking and honking and if that wasn't bad enough she then checked her Kleenex. I guess to see if she had caught what ever came out of her nose. Now I admit that I blow my nose when I have a cold, heck I have even been know to check out my Kleenex, but here's the differen...I don't do it in front of the people who's food I am preparing (unless they deserve it).
This message is for the blonde girl who works at the In and Out in Vista: PLEASE BLOW YOUR NOSE AWAY FROM THE WINDOW, MAYBE THE BATHROOM? I guess the real message is, stay in school kids that way you can blow your nose in your office and not in a fast food joint.

No wonder hookers are grumpy

It's cause these high-heeled shoes hurt! I wore my fancy pants and big girl shoes tonight out to the comedy store for a private party. It was a good show and I did 10 minutes. The foundation that put on the show helps people with major brain injuries who basically get screwed over by their insurance or government or who ever is screwing over people with brain injuries these days. I'm gonna keep their number handy just in case. My friend Vicki was also doing the show tonight and invited me to go to a room in Normal Heights and split her time with her because she just didn't want to do a half hour set. So I went and I remembered why my friend Katie and I decided not to move there in college...its kind of scary, especially at night. Especially when you have to park far away (dad don't read that part, it was fine I parked right in front of the theatre and two nice policemen escorted me directly inside while 5 sharpshooters covered us with scoped weapons).

I went on last at the Room in Normal Heights and I thought it might be horrible, but it was actually quite fun. My friend Mark runs a great room and hopefully I can go back there again. If nothing else at least I got free coffee, made by a man who wore eyeliner. Hand to God, he had eyeliner on, but it was caked on a bit much and made him look cheap. Such a nice boy wearing the eyeliner, one more man that I don't have to worry about marrying, my rule is I can't marry anyone who wears more eyeliner than me. So far it's a good rule and I'm sticking by it.

ouch

My sister and I are having a "lose all our fat" contest. We are seeing who can shed the most pounds before our other sister gets here for Christmas. Needless to say I have been to at the YMCA for the past two days working the treadmill. Now I have never been much of what society would label a "runner". I just don't run; it's not my bag. But desperate times call for desperate measures. If walking is good for you running must be great for you right? That's the same theory that gets people in trouble when they start drinking shots of tequila. In theory yes, but as we know theory has nothing to do with the real world. I was a little sore today after yesterday's two-mile run, so what do normal people do to combat soreness? That's right get back on the treadmill sister! Two and half miles later and I am walking like a got off my horse. This being slender thing sucks.
And excuse me Bridget Jones actress lady who is being praised for packing on so much weight to weigh as much as I do now. Way to go, wow, eating to prepare for a role...Brilliant!

Lifetime Television for Women?

I think not. What kind of sick network thinks that I don't need to watch Golden Girl's on Thursday thru Monday night? Sure it's on twice in the morning and twice in the afternoon, but I need it six times a day! Do they not play it because they think I am out on dates and don't have time for Dorthy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia? Well I'm home Thursday thru Monday night and I am going to write an angry letter to the so-called "Television for Women" network and you can bet there will be many words in bold!

The Comedy Store was packed tonight and it was fun. Even at 10pm when people were starting to leave, there was still over a hundred drunkards ready to laugh. I went after Vicki and since we both live in Vista the transition was smooth. I did stand up Monday thru Thursday this week and didn't get paid for it once, so I must really like it or something. Or I am extremely stupid, either way it keeps me off the streets.

bodily functions

This morning I awoke to a foul smell. At the foot of my bed one of my dogs had a rough night and blew chunks all over my carpet. It's kind of like waking up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee, except different. My gag reflex prohibits me from touching or looking at chunks so my mom was called in.

We have a long driveway in the "country" so we don't get a lot of visitors. So when our doorbell rang today and there was no car in the driveway we just let the dogs bark and didn't even go to the door. There were only a few types of people it could be: Mormons or other religious group who hate us Catholics, Salesman (but really what kind of salesman doesn't have a vehicle), or an axe murderer. Turns out my dog thought it was the latter. He must have been really scared because he barked so hard he pooped his pants. Unfortunately for our carpet and wasn't wearing any pants.

I will be at the Comedy Store in La Jolla tonight. Show starts at 8pm and there is a $5 cover and a 2-drink minimum.

Drink and Laugh

Tonight I will be performing at "Squid Joe's" at 9pm in Carlsbad off the tamarack exit. I believe it is a $2 cover, so look under your couch for admission to see me. On second thought, bring $4 and give me two so I can be a professional comedian and get paid in something other than drinks.

The monkey hasn't called me back yet...

Eat and Laugh

Want to eat food and laugh? Well, not at the dame time, you could choke and die and that wouldn't be funny.
Tonight I will be at the "Comedy Grill" 
UP & COMING COMICS
FROM S.D. & L.A.
8:00pm MONDAY
NOVEMBER 8th
AT
 Rosie & Joe's
Grill & Cantina
7986 Armour St.
One block south of Balboa.
Bet. Convoy & Hwy 163
_______________________________________________________
NO COVER, NO MINIMUM
Enjoy great food, drinks & COMEDY
For Info Call 858-277-5777

Don't touch my monkey!

I had so much fun on todayI almost keeled over. I have to say when I woke up today I thought something was seriously wrong, I just wasn't nervous. I had all week to be scared and think of all the things that could terribly wrong. But this morning I was done with all that silliness and I was ready to do my jokes. The Holy Spirit and friends were with me all day and they do good work.

We got to NBC studios around 11:30am and couldn't find where we were suppose to park on the street so we just went in the "artist entrance". When we checked in at security they asked if what I was going to be doing on the show and I said, "belly dancing". Apparently they bought it because they let me in. Everyone on the show was great. One of the producers took me up to my dressing room and showed me around. After I changed into my fancy comedian clothes I went down to see the studio and see where my marks would be. I then went into make up and was made to look all pretty. Without all the lights I looked like a streetwalker, but when I got under all those studio lights everything looked all right. I went back into the studio and ran through my set and the crew was laughing and that made me feel good. I also really enjoyed when the man put the mic on me; he had cold hands. I went back in for my hair to get done and decided I could really get use to this pampering stuff.

They came and took my mom to the studio so she could sit down with the rest of the audience. I was left alone so I headed on down to the green room. I meet a talent coordinator and she was very nice and from San Diego to boot. We talked and discussed a brain dead Arafat (I told her I was no doctor but that just didn't sound healthy at all. She asked if Dave the producer had all my contact information (my dad tell me that's a good sign). We were flipping the channels that are all NBC feeds when we came to channel 39, which is the direct feed from the studio. Dennis Miller was in his chair and was ready to get started, whoops. Producers scurried and yelled and I ran in the studio trying to keep up with the one stage manager who was going to hide my in the corner till it was my turn to do my set. We walked right in front of DM and I felt his stare, I finally gave him my best smile and a wave and he said, "I think she's trying to pick me up". When I got back in my little cubby the makeup ladies found me and ambushed me to fix all the damage I had done to my face by itching and rubbing my nose. After that I just waited in the dark and tried not to look like I was about to explode. I kept waiting to get nervous but it never hit me. All of a sudden I looked up at the screen and there I was saying, "My whole set tonight is about tampons." Damn you Mr. Editor. Bill Dwyer, the comedian who interviewed us asked me to tell him my best tampon joke. I told him I didn't have any and he should tell me his and he did. So this was a couple questions later when I said, "my hold set tonight is about tampons.”" Hardy har har. I got in trouble by my Irish grandma lady Joanie Maloney. She said, "don't be saying tampons on television again."
When it was time for Bill to introduce me Dennis stopped him and told me to take my time and not to worry about doing just a minute. How cool! I had timed all my jokes all week to do a minute exactly. So I just slowed everything way down and did a minute forty seconds. When I went out there it wasn't scary at all. The audience was great and not drunk for once! When I was done DM congratulated me and told me I had done a great set and we shook hands and it was over! I went back to the green room and all the staff said DM really liked my set and I thought this was just as good as it get...boy was I wrong. About 2 minutes later the producer called me out of the room and I thought they had found all the Evian I had stolen from my dressing room. "Did you want to meet the chimp?” Oh hell ya! I followed him back in the studio and went behind the audience bleachers where I saw 3 chairs: 2 ladies and a chimp. The trainer said, "when I say ok put out your hand. He will take it and want to hug you. He might hug you hard because he really likes the ladies so don't be scared." It kind of reminded me of the speeches the nurses at the old folks home use to give about the scary old men who did the same thing. So I went up and met the chimp. He told my hand and pulled me in and grabbed the back of my neck. He pulled my face close to his and stared at me. Then he flipped upside down and put my hands under his head and played with my hair. After grooming me for a bit and not finding and bugs thank God, he started playing with my hair and really made it look great. I decided if I am ever rich and famous I definitely want a chimp around. If not a chimp I will hire a hairy midget to hang out with me but not to play with my hair because that would just be weird.
Overall it was an awesome day and I can't wait to do it again. Where do I go from here? I have no idea. Hopefully someone saw the show and liked me and will marry me and whisk me off to his tropical island where I can sit around and eat pasta all day. Or maybe I will finally get an agent out of this.
Either way...I got to hang out with a monkey!

I'm off!

My mom and I(she is my posse) are off to L.A.
Every time you see me blink on television it means I am thinking of you!

Kickboxing is dumb

It's true, kickboxing is dumb. Since the camera adds 10 pounds I thought I would go to the YMCA 3 days before I go on TV. Ya that one class should take care of things. Well I really didn't stay for the whole class. I stayed for a half hour and then I just had to leave. I just had to! You can't just do an hour of cardio work after months of nothing; it's just not good for you. I didn't even consult with my doctor before I started so I left. I am so responsible about my health it astounds me!


I am now officially addicted to bleu cheese wedge salads. My dad and I make them about twice a day, I guess there are worse things to be addicted to. Like milkshakes or heroine or heroine milkshakes.

The Letter W

I don't know why everyone was against the letter W. Do they hate the letter M? It's just a W turned upside down, come on people! I guess people 18 to 24 are not that scared of P. Diddy because there was just as much minority and youth vote as there was in 2000. We aint scared of you Diddy! Was there a surge of closet W fans out there? When I watched Bruce and all the Rockers I thought for sure that would work to get out the vote. But it was like a high school election when all your friends say they will vote for you and then they just forgot to because they assumed you couldn't lose because everyone was going to vote for you. Kerry ran a great race but it's over and now we have to get ready for Hilary in 4 years. God Bless America.

I can see right away that the movie Ray is not a comedy. If it was the scene when Ray Charles carries his wife over the threshold, her head would bang into the door. It doesn't so it's a drama.

Happy Election Day!

I am voting today and do you know why? It's because I am scared of P. Diddy.

I once met George W and he was nice and shook my hand, we drank diet cokes together, but that's not why I like him.

I have never met John Kerry, but I do like ketchup, it has natural mellowing agents, maybe that's why he has such a relaxed face.

I once ran for junior class vice president in high school. My slogan was, "Vote for the unpopular girl for once." I didn't win.

What is Ross Perot up to?