Tucson, AZ

What else can I say about Tucson other than...It takes a long time to get here when you try to travel in a 20 year old motor home with over 400 thousand miles on it.

Tomorrow just for fun, I'll see how many miles I can walk in the desert heat before collapsing.

I make my own fun!

Padres: Western Division Champs

Don't be too happy, they'll screw it up soon enough.
Forgive me I live in San Diego, I'm not use to winning.
My theory is I can't live some place so beautiful and have winning sports teams, that's just being greedy.

I Don't Like Mondays

I would tell you what I did today but you would all be so jealous and I don't want to be responsible for that.
I'll just say that I have not had this much fun since June 3rd 1993.
Did you know that if you play tennis in running shoes you can break your ankle? That makes me want to run right out and buy some ugly tennis shoes.
Do you think I could beat Regis Philbin at tennis?

Waffles or Pancakes?

Hung out with 6 kids last night and today for money. I won't call it babysitting as one of the kids in 10th grade said, "You are our big boy sitter."

Stay in school kids and you too can be a big boy sitter one day.

I'm not complaining because I did get to go surfing, eat pizza and make pumpkin seeds. Yes that's right I got pumpkin seeds out of the deal!
They also have a rigged x-box that has over a kajillion games on it. Did you know Michael Jackson had a video game in the 80's? This isn't even the beginning of a bad joke, it's is a real game that came out when "Bad" was popular.
So sad.

Poor Gus Gus

My friend and I went to play tennis today and decided to break out the Lobster. The Lobster is a machine that shoots tennis balls out to you and you return them over the net. Well no one had used this Lobster for awhile because when we fired it up a dead mouse shot out of it.
IT WAS AWESOME!
Fur and mouse parts everywhere. We found two more dead Cinderella mice at the bottom of the bucket, bad day for the world of mouse tennis.

Shout Out to the P!

Oh happy day, pumpkins are appearing in the store. Next to getting high on life pumpkin seeds are like my crack! Not the fake kind you buy in the packages but the pumpkin seeds that you rip out of the still breathing pumpkin yourself, wash the pumpkin goo off and bake it with a ton of butter and salt. Oh man!
But at 4 bucks a pumpkin this is not a cheap habit. I hope I don't start stealing or try to sell my parents into the white slave market again for pumpkin money.
The important thing to remember here is: don't judge me.

That Just Aint Right

I have always said that running is wrong and I stand by my statement. I saw a man today that reminded me why I have such strong feelings against running.
This poor man ran by me on the beach today with such a look of pain that I had to laugh out loud. Now I know this was not the most Christian thing to do but he was in obvious pain, not because of any physical ailment but because that boy was just plain out of shape!
{This part is just for the running man}

Maybe start with a brisk walk Skippy... or a bike ride, but for the love of all that is holy don't start with a full on run! That's how people like you drop dead and people like me feel bad for making fun of them the day before. Or even worse what if you would have collapsed right in front of me? I would have had to give you CPR and as you were coming back to life our eyes would have locked and you would have fallen madly in love with me and proposed right there on the spot. I would have had to have said yes because I am a sucker for people in cardiac arrest.

So stop running unless you are prepared to suffer it's many consequences.

Eulogy-palooza

Usually I am not a real big fan of funerals, vigils etc. but tonight was an exception. We had a rosary and mass for my 85-year-old friend who died (basically it was kind of like the Pope’s funeral, except less candles) and I got to say a few words about her. I say it was like when the Pope died because she was so holy and so good that like when the Pope died although tears were shed you couldn't really be sad because if you have to worry about where the Pope is going when he died you and me are out of luck.
Tonight I heard stories of a lady who made a positive difference in the lives of every person she came in contact with. It made me wonder what people might say about me when I get hit by the proverbial dump truck. Not that I was funny, or didn't kick puppies but would they say that I was a good person? Would they say that I was a good friend? That I was someone who they could trust? Someone who they could call in the middle of the night if they wanted to change the channel but their remote control was out of batteries?

Home Tomorrow

Today I was almost hit and killed by a car while walking here in Plainfield IL.
See,this is why I don't exercise, it's bad for your health!

My Irish Grandma

My friend died last night. Joanie was in her 80's and did not want to go first because she wanted to take care of her husband. Turns out she wasn't in charge of deciding that and God called her home. I can just imagine the finger wagging going on right now, she must be really laying into Him today. The last few months she had a lot of questions for me, her favorite one was, "what does God look like?" Today when I heard she had died I had to smile when I thought, she knows now. I miss you Maloney but I know I have a new saint watching over me like a HAWK!

A Big Mac and Raging Bull

That's the end to a Wednesday night in the middle of Septmeber.
I'm not proud of it, but the truth shall set you free.

New photo up from Texas!

I'm a Walking, Yes indeed

I walked 5 miles today...not in a row, but eventually I walked 5 miles. I watched Days of Our Lives on the treadmill at the YMCA and then walked the dog to an Italian restaurant to get a menu. For the dog not me. Italian repeats on me, I said it repeats on me.

I bore myself and it's my life...
Hey, you write your life out on paper and see if it's anymore interesting!

3-Day

Thanks to everyone who donated to the 3day walk! It is a month away and I maybe will start training this week. It's only 60 miles in 3 days, it's not like it's 60 miles in 2 days! This is my 4th year of doing this walk and you would think by now I would have learned some valuable lessons like, buying shoes more than a month before the walk or not signing up for the dang thing in the first place! Oh well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't serve it to elementary kids in the cafeteria and call it "trigger surprise". What?

Hey Y'all

I had a blast in Texas, no really I was shot at. OK not really, but that would have been cool. I am back at my house for a day before I head out again. Wednesday and Thursday at 9pm I will be at the La Jolla Comedy Store and then off to Illinois.
As soon as I empty the crickets out of my suitcase I'll tell you more about it.

Cricket Cowboys

Last night as I was waiting for thr airport shuttle of death to trasfer me to my connecting flight I looked up in the sky and found out that indeed, the stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart of Texas.
I have a show here tonight in Victoria and one tomorrow in San Antonio. I like Texas so far, people where cowboy hats because they actually need to and not cause cause they are trendy. Also I enjoy the millions of crickets, they are EVERYWHERE! Think instead of Alferd Hitchcock's the Birds, but crickets.
Let[s see, floods, hurricanes, crickets, if the Chargers start winning, that will be the final sign, so get ready to meet Jesus!

Single White Female

Sometimes I wish I was married with kids.

Then I spend a couple hours with kids.

Now I'm over it and happy to just have to remember to feed my dogs.


P.S. Bob Denver is dead, not Gilligan.

Labor Day Squared

I liked Labor Day so much yesterday I took another one today. I surfed with my friend Andy who is leaving in awhile for his second tour of duty in Iraq (where the surf is horrible).
Needless to say for an hour and half we had an epic surfing session.
I don't mean to sound like a dumb surfer but it was so cool!
I have not surfed waves like that since Hawaii. Big rolling crests that you could ride for what seemed like forever.
It certainly did put a big smile on my face and made me feel pretty darn good. Now I feel like a dorky Mary sunshine but I don't care, I might just have to have another Labor Day tomorrow.

My Labor Day

For the 456 of you who called me today and said, "what, on Labor Day, does that mean YOU have to work since YOU never really have a real job?" I say to you...Your mom goes to college.

I work.

I just don't work like you work.

I work 10 minutes to an hour at a time slaving under hot lights and a microphone to bring joy to sick children and puppies.

So just because I don't have a 9 to 5 job or get to go to a company picnic doesn't mean I don't work.

I think my mom would say you are all jealous of me. Work on that and don't call unless you have something nice to say or you are calling because you found a wad of cash in the street cause that might be mine, I dropped it.

Sly and the Family Stone

Where are you guys? If your not all dead I expect a concert at one of my local Indian casinos by the end of the month.

M&M's are too a good breakfast mom! Especially with coffee, mmmmm.

Did I mention I gained a few pounds from my travels? Too much Schnitzel and strudel,good thing the 3day walk is coming up. What's that? You forgot to donate to help end breast cancer? I should give you a link.

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=61811&lis=0&kntae61811=DDDA1EED167F4E63A99DB49709703135&supId=6106201

Copy and paste until you ralph!