When I arrived at gate 27A in the Atlanta airport the lady behind the desk had a panicked look on her face. The flight was booked beyond capacity and they were taking volunteers to go on the next flight. Normally I would say, "I don't think so" just like Fred Willard in 'A Mighty Wind' but they were offering a $200 voucher. Score! The only way I travel now is when people hire me to come and make milk shoot out of their nose by laughing or crying, depending if I'm funny or not. With the voucher I could afford to go somewhere I wanted to go! Well, not anywhere, but it would help with airfare and for once maybe I could have a little dignity and not purchase my ticket from www.youaretoopoortoflyandyouhavetositinthebathroomoftheplane.com.
I marched right up to the counter and said I would volunteer my ticket. I then sat down and waited and watched CNN cause in Atlanta, that's the only station that any of the TV's get. Finally after everybody was seated and they could tell how many seats they needed my name was called. She looked at me and said, "that's ok, we don't need your seat." and handed me back my boarding pass.
What!
No conciliation prize? I was willing to stay another 2 and a half hours in terminal 27A and eat Krystal burgers so some stranger could get on the plane and perhaps go hug their dying grandma one last time or get a good night's sleep so they could wake up early and be a judge in a very important court case in the morning and I get nothing for that? Not even an extra bag of peanuts or a high five?
I suppose when I am a big girl I will do things like that not for the $200 voucher but because it's the nice thing to do. I'm sure when Mother Teresa was picking up the dying in the streets she did not look around to see if anyone was watching so they could pat her on the back and give her a voucher. In fact she could not have cared less if anyone knew about what she did because she was Mother Teresa. But I guess that's why she is a saint and I'm just a comedian trying to get a $200 voucher.
Then in the back of my head I started thinking; maybe they didn't use your seat for a reason. Maybe something is going to happen on the plane and because I was sitting in 39A someone's head won't fall off or maybe a lady who is carrying her baby will trip and because of my cat like reflexes I would catch said baby and she would grow up to be president or the doctor who finds the cure for zits on your forehead on prom night.
But then I got on the plane and some lady was in my seat so the waitress, or whatever you call those people, said I could sit in 39F, the window on the other side. But then there was a husband and wife and 3 month old baby in that row and they asked if I wouldn't mind sitting on the aisle so the husband holding the baby could lean against the window. "Sure, no problem" I said, you know why? Cause I'm just like Mother Teresa, except different.
I didn't even tell you about the flight out to Atlanta! My show was done in Oceanside at 8:30PM so my mom drove like the wind (a wind blowing at max speed of 65 MPH) down to the airport. It was a 10:30PM flight and filled to capacity. This made me want to hurl when I saw that the dorks at www.youaretoopoortoflyandyouhavetositinthebathroomoftheplane.com had put me in a middle seat. This 4-hour plane ride to Atlanta was going to be my only sleep before I had to perform the next day and I cannot sleep in a middle seat. I always wake myself up cause I'm afraid I am doing that head bob thing when it rolls and you jerk. Or I'm afraid that I'm going to fall asleep and wake up leaning in some stranger man's armpit with drool coming out of my mouth. Plus middle seats are just stupid because no one ever knows who those arm rest belongs too.
So I said a little prayer to my patron Saint (Saint Jude Patron of Desperate Cases) and approached the podium. Before I even said anything the lady said, "no seat changes, full flight". I mustered all my dignity and said, "Oh, I was just wondering what movie was being played on the flight."
I'll show you lady behind the counter with all the power!
I then smiled and said, "well I was also wondering if is there a list I can be put on in case some has explosive diarrhea and can't make it on to the flight?" She smiled and put my name down. A minute later she called my name and handed me my new boarding pass, Bulkhead window! That's like every coach travelers dream. That's that seat behind first class next to the exit, your own TV on the wall, the bathroom and the waitress station. So not only are you the first to get out if the plane crashes in the ocean but you also get first snack packs and first in line for the bathroom!
We take off and I put my travel pillow behind my neck, plug in my headset to watch "Bewitched" (at least it would help me sleep) and I'm just nodding off when two guys bring this man up into my personal leg stretching space! They lay him down and he curls up right on my feet. An announcement comes over the speaker that if a doctor is on board could they please come up to the man writhing in pain on the floor. Now if Mother Teresa were in this situation she would have ripped off the travel pillow from behind her neck and gave it to the man on the floor and comforted him and assisted with anything they needed.
Once again, my name is Jewd not Mother Teresa.
I did move my feet and refrained from kicking him in the head, so I'm on my way to sainthood I guess. Turns out the poor guy got really dizzy and stood up and passed out on the guy next to him who thought he was having a seizure. The doctors on board checked him out and ruled out a seizure and thought maybe it was a food allergy or he was diabetic. Whatever it was they suggested he stayed where he was, lying down, on my feet. Eventually he did sit up and sat in the chair next to me. I felt bad for him because it was embarrassing but what a thrill for him to sit next to me! In the end I slept for about an hour and got into Atlanta around 5:50 in the morning and stayed up and performed and hosted a stage all day. I finally got to sleep Saturday night around 3AM but because of day light savings got an extra hour of sleep.
I was functioning quite nicely on an hour of sleep I thought.
All the bunnies that were talking to me agreed I handled everything very well.
