FYI

My biggest fear is being held underwater by a clown.
Read into that all you want, it would just suck.

The Mother of All Weeks

Sunday:
Faster than last year and the real important thing, better photo's!


Monday:
I bought embarrassing things at the store for the upcoming "bowel prep". A Bowel Prep is something you do the day before surgery that pretty much makes everything you ever ate in your life and forces it out of your body with the help of some foul drink and gravity. Of course as I am about to check out of the drug store with the poop juice, baby wipes, liquid diet and toilet paper the only cute cashier in the town relieves the 90 year old grandma who was about to help me...of course.

Tuesday:
Ah yes, it was as fun as I imagined...the flood gates opened and I stared death in the face for 12 hours.

Wednesday:
My surgery was not until 3:30pm and I had not eaten since Monday night so when they called and said I could come in early I was needless to say very happy. I was already starting to get one of those headaches where you can see the inside of your brain. After they checked me in and I got to put on the highly fashionable gown they started my I.V. and the nurse could tell my head was about to cave in. After an hour she announced, "the doctor said you could have morphine"...holy crap, they give that to people who get shot on M.A.S.H.! So she poked my I.V. with some and my arms felt like they were really heavy but the headache remained. Another hour went by and my surgeon was still not there but the headache was, so another shot of morphine. Another hour and no surgeon another shot but this time Demerol with a side of anti-nausea medicine, I guess I was turning colors. This went on until around 8pm when my surgeon finally arrived from another hospital where he had been in surgery for 6 hours and his patient had almost bleed out. Although I was glad to see him I felt maybe after a long day of work he was tired and maybe now was not the best time for him to be cutting paper let alone me. He assured me he was fine, like that made me feel so much better. The only problem...wait for it, no operating room was available. Finally about 9:30pm they came to take me to surgery. My favorite words, "I'm just going to put some relaxing medicine in your I....." I didn't even get to hear the anesthesiologist say "V." and I was gone. I don't know where I went but an hour later I woke myself up screaming, yes screaming. The other patients must have felt very at ease. The tumor (a fibroid which is a non cancerous tumor to be exact) they took out of me was the size of a "farm fresh egg"...I'm off eggs for awhile. This was both disgusting and relieving, one of those, "see, I told you guys I was sick" moments. The things was pressing against my bladder and was the main reason I couldn't sit through a movie without peeing like 800 times. The nice people with the drugs came again and loaded me up so I would stop scaring the other patients. The surgeon said since it was so late and I just laid an egg, they were going to keep me over night. I remembered being rolled into my new room only because I went from grabbing one bed railing to another and being hooked up to new machines. All I kept thinking was, "crap, this is going to cost a lot"

Thursday:
All night long a nurse would come in and because of the amount of drugs they had been pumping into me I would have those freaky dreams that seem really long leading up to someone coming in the room to stab you but in reality they were only a few seconds. She would come in and see, I guess if I was still breathing and then stick me with more drugs as my poor mom tried to sleep sitting up in a chair. I had no idea where I was and would sit up and scream which really hurts after surgery even on lots of drugs and my mom would say, "your OK Jude, I'm here, farm fresh egg, no monsters under your bed, shut up, etc. (you know mom stuff) and I would drift back to my drug induced sleep until the drug lady would come again and the whole fun process would start over. That is until 6 am when my new nurse came. Now I know I was on lots of drugs but I tell you as sure as God made little green apples, my new nurse was the spitting image of Chuck Norris. You do not know fear until you think about that fact that Walker Texas Ranger is in charge of the removal of your I.V. and in a surprise move, your catheter! After proving I could pee on my own, I was released on my own recognizance and sent home...after one more shot of some drug.
Apparently I went home and had the brain power to watch my recorded Lost season finale from the night before that I had missed. After I watched it, I erased it. I also had some visitors and talked on the phone before finally crashing.

Friday:
Friday morning I was ready to watch that recorded Lost...I had no memory of watching it. So if I talked to you on Thursday, I apologize in advance. Friday was also the day that I was scheduled to video tape a golf game. Now normally I would say, "no way, I just had surgery and I might be tough but I'm not stupid!" Apparently I am also stupid because I followed 4 golfers around 9 holes for 2 hours and have no recollection other than the fact that several times I thought I wanted to lay down on the green and die. The DVD actually turned out awesome, but it definitely set my healing back a few days.

Saturday:
I spent most of Saturday crying because Judy and large amounts of drugs do not mix well. Night terrors and general anxiety is what I get so I was afraid to take anything except Tylenol for fear of feeling awful again and seeing the squirrels. I also spent a lot of time questioning my family as to why they allowed me to film the golf game. They are sticking to the story that they were there and ready to take over at any time but between crying and thinking I was about to die I would not give up the camera.

Sunday:
I only cried twice on Sunday and the pain had gone from screaming to just a dull sense of just being punched in the stomach. As I think of the fact that just 7 days ago I was in a triathlon my stitches twinge. Right now if I sneezed, I would in fact, die. That simple. But the body, especially mine, is a marvelous thing. It's able to bounce back from having camera's and tools and people doing hand motions in it, not to mention producing things the size of eggs. As a friend pointed out I'm just glad it wasn't an ostrich egg.

Just wait till the bill comes.

I said I was funny, I never said I could sing.

Swimming, biking and Running, OH MY!

Something witty will go here after I can again feel my eye lashes. Oh by the way, mom is available to come to your sporting event and shoot your photographs as well. For a nominal fee of course.

TOMORROW

Yes, tomorrow, Sunday, the Sabbath is the triathlon...wait, that's suppose to be a day of rest...I will rest after the triathlon. Because if I rest during the triathlon there is a very good chance I will sink to the bottom of the water and die, or fall of my bike and die or fall off a mountain and die. Triathlons are serious.

I'm Pro Fransiscan!

Catholic Comedy Nite with Judy McDonald

Catholic Comedy Nite at the Serra Center, Mission San Luis Rey Parish, 4070 Mission Ave., Oceanside, CA Friday, May 18th at 7:30PM Donation: $10 An alumnus of University of San Diego, Judy McDonald has been performing stand-up for 12 years. In college, she worked at KFMB studios in radio and television. Judy's professional comedic experience includes an appearance on the Dennis Miller show and opening for such comedians as Paula Poundstone, Mark Curry, Caroline Rea and Margaret Cho. Tickets are available after all the masses at the Serra Center or at the Parish Center. Call 760-757-3250

Proceeds go to the retrofitting of the mission...it's a big word and I think it's meaning has something to do with bell bottoms.

Brothers

2 brothers in a bar watching sports on large screened televisions and to think they aren't even teenagers yet...they are prodigy's!

A Mother of A Day

The best part of today's game was when Mikey yelled at Kevin Kouzmanoff the third basemen for the Padres as he was signing his ball, "where's Jake Peavy?" Mikey let's you know that your not as special as you think you are, so knock it off. We all need a little Mikey in our lives...his mother is currently taking offers. Tommy stays the constant straight man through it all. Here, here.

Jon and Jude

This is Jon. Jon was my first kiss. I was 4. I got over it, but I think it's been all downhill for Jon after that. So sad. People fall too hard for me and sometimes they start stalking...other times they don't fall hard enough and I have to start stalking them. It's a long and lengthy process which involves a series of ropes and a team of litigators.

My Kin

This is Mikey.

Mikey plays baseball.

Although Mikey was not born in the South he still has a red neck.

I'm going to give Mikey the benefit of the doubt (and my sister) and assume it's mostly from the sun and dirt has little to do with the color of his neck.

It kind of looks like Mikey has some chew in his mouth but I was assured this is not true. Mikey gave up tobacco cause he heard it stunts his growth.

Mikey likes Big League chew and Big League Chew likes Mikey.

I mean really, look at this face, who wouldn't like Mikey?

Sometimes his brother.

It was Indeed a Night of Entertainment.

Famous Babies

Me and my friend Fr. Bill are holding famous babies. I did a show tonight at Fr. Bill's Parish in Valley Center and met these famous babies, this Thursday these twins will be on Grey's Anatomy. I am very exciting to see how they will interact with Dr. McDreamy! Look out Olsen's.

Tri-UMPH!

If you are playing at home you know I have 13 days until my XTERRA Off Road Sport triathlon. And for the past 4 months I have been pounding the pavement and hitting the trails running and mountain biking and today I remembered...TRI-athlon. I had forgot about the swimming aspect. Oops. Needless to say I have the calves of an African bushman and the upper body strength of a kitty...a premature one eyed no tailed kitty named Lucky...did I mention Lucky has fleas? This was evident today in the pool (not the flea part, but the weak like a kitty part). I looked at my time from last year and saw I swam a half mile in 17 minutes so I set the old egg timer for that amount of time and jumped in the pool. The golden retriever and yellow lab followed right in behind me. At first I was annoyed because they swim one on either side of me unlike secret service running next to a president but this was in the pool and they had no ear devices. But then I realized how they would get me use to people thrashing about in the water next to me during the actual race. Good dogs.
Today was the first day in my training where I did all three things. Now on their own no big deal.
750m swim, 15k Mountain Bike and a 5k trail run...but when you put them all in a row it makes a considerable difference. Like eating at Taco Bell. Eating just one taco is no big deal, nor eating one burrito or one tostada but when you do it all in a row, that's where you run into trouble. And strangely enough that's why I am doing this triathlon, because I eat 3 things in a row at Taco Bell...or 5 I'm not good at math.

Sisters

My sister is an executive.
I am a stand up comedian.

She has to sit at a desk all day.
I work one hour at a time.

She wear fancy business suits and high heels.
I recently bought some new jeans and Nike's at the Nordstrom Rack.

She has respect and admiration of her staff and the community.
I once had a staff infection and had to go to the community clinic.

Did you know my niece was once in the band KISS? True story. Also she is really smart, that's why her head is so big. If I looked startled in this photo it's only because I thought I saw a spider.

BAYOU