Faster than last year and the real important thing, better photo's!
Monday:
I bought embarrassing things at the store for the upcoming "bowel prep". A Bowel Prep is something you do the day before surgery that pretty much makes everything you ever ate in your life and forces it out of your body with the help of some foul drink and gravity. Of course as I am about to check out of the drug store with the poop juice, baby wipes, liquid diet and toilet paper the only cute cashier in the town relieves the 90 year old grandma who was about to help me...of course.
Tuesday:
Ah yes, it was as fun as I imagined...the flood gates opened and I stared death in the face for 12 hours.
Wednesday:
My surgery was not until 3:30pm and I had not eaten since Monday night so when they called and said I could come in early I was needless to say very happy. I was already starting to get one of those headaches where you can see the inside of your brain. After they checked me in and I got to put on the highly fashionable gown they started my I.V. and the nurse could tell my head was about to cave in. After an hour she announced, "the doctor said you could have morphine"...holy crap, they give that to people who get shot on M.A.S.H.! So she poked my I.V. with some and my arms felt like they were really heavy but the headache remained. Another hour went by and my surgeon was still not there but the headache was, so another shot of morphine. Another hour and no surgeon another shot but this time Demerol with a side of anti-nausea medicine, I guess I was turning colors. This went on until around 8pm when my surgeon finally arrived from another hospital where he had
been in surgery for 6 hours and his patient had almost bleed out. Although I was glad to see him I felt maybe after a long day of work he was tired and maybe now was not the best time for him to be cutting paper let alone me. He assured me he was fine, like that made me feel so much better. The only problem...wait for it, no operating room was available. Finally about 9:30pm they came to take me to surgery. My favorite words, "I'm just going to put some relaxing medicine in your I....." I didn't even get to hear the anesthesiologist say "V." and I was gone. I don't know where I went but an hour later I woke myself up screaming, yes screaming. The other patients must have felt very at ease. The tumor (a fibroid which is a non cancerous tumor to be exact) they took out of me was the size of a "farm fresh egg"...I'm off eggs for awhile. This was both disgusting and relieving, one of those, "see, I told you guys I was sick" moments. The things was pressing against my bladder and was the main reason I couldn't sit through a movie without peeing like 800 times. The nice people with the drugs came again and loaded me up so I would stop scaring the other patients. The surgeon said since it was so late and I just laid an egg, they were going to keep me over night. I remembered being rolled into my new room only because I went from grabbing one bed railing to another and being hooked up to new machines. All I kept thinking was, "crap, this is going to cost a lot"Thursday:
All night long a nurse would come in and because of the amount of drugs they had been pumping into me I would have those freaky dreams that seem really long leading up to someone coming in the room to stab you but in reality they were only a few seconds. She would come in and see, I guess if I was still breathing and then stick me with more drugs as my poor mom tried to sleep sitting up in a chair. I had no idea where I was and would sit up and s
cream which really hurts after surgery even on lots of drugs and my mom would say, "your OK Jude, I'm here, farm fresh egg, no monsters under your bed, shut up, etc. (you know mom stuff) and I would drift back to my drug induced sleep until the drug lady would come again and the whole fun process would start over. That is until 6 am when my new nurse came. Now I know I was on lots of drugs but I tell you as sure as God made little green apples, my new nurse was the spitting image of Chuck Norris. You do not know fear until you think about that fact that Walker Texas Ranger is in charge of the removal of your I.V. and in a surprise move, your catheter! After proving I could pee on my own, I was released on my own recognizance and sent home...after one more shot of some drug.Apparently I went home and had the brain power to watch my recorded Lost season finale from the night before that I had missed. After I watched it, I erased it. I also had some visitors and talked on the phone before finally crashing.
Friday:
Friday morning I was ready to watch that recorded Lost...I had no memory of watching it. So if I talked to you on Thursday, I apologize in advance. Friday was also the day that I was scheduled to video tape a golf game. Now normally I would say, "no way, I just had surgery and I might be tough but I'm not stupid!" Apparently I am also stupid because I followed 4 golfers around 9 holes for 2 hours and have no recollection other than the fact that several times I thought I wanted to lay down on the green and die. The DVD actually turned out awesome, but it definitely set my healing back a few days.
Saturday:
I spent most of Saturday crying because Judy and large amounts of drugs do not mix well. Night terrors and general anxiety is what I get so I was afraid to take anything except Tylenol for fear of feeling awful again and seeing the squirrels. I also spent a lot of time questioning my family as to why they allowed me to film the golf game. They are sticking to the story that they were there and ready to take over at any time but between crying and thinking I was about to die I would not give up the camera.
Sunday:
I only cried twice on Sunday and the pain had gone from screaming to just a dull sense of just being punched in the stomach. As I think of the fact that just 7 days ago I was in a triathlon my stitches twinge. Right now if I sneezed, I would in fact, die. That simple. But the body, especially mine, is a marvelous thing. It's able to bounce back from having camera's and tools and people doing hand motions in it, not to mention producing things the size of eggs. As a friend pointed out I'm just glad it wasn't an ostrich egg.
Just wait till the bill comes.
