Mikey Plays Aunt Judy

One really cool thing about being an aunt is being able to pass things on to the next generation...like how to properly apply make up for shock value. Lego Land tomorrow...oh yes, we will all be wearing our makeup!

SUMMER!

I'm pretty much the best at jumping over dogs and kids...and they seemed very impressed with me...so impressed that they follow me. I even dare to say that if I was jumping off a bridge they would in deed feel compelled to also jump off the bridge like Aunt Judy.

Sleep With One Eye Open!

She's out...I for one was a wreck.

Steubenville, Ohio

It's a real place! This whole time I thought it was just a made up place like Disney World, but no, it's a real town with a real University. And they have excellent taste in comedy. But the tap water you should stay away from.

Off The Record...I was in Anaheim not Orlando....

Vatican issues guidelines for good driving

Web Posted: 06/20/2007 01:03 AM CDT

Patrick Driscoll, Abe Levy and J. Michael Parker
Express-News

When granny gets behind the wheel of a 1-ton pickup, she's not just 120 pounds of frail flesh and bones anymore. She's a king of the road with hundreds of horsepower humming at her fingertips.

Some people can handle that kind of raw power and still guard their souls, but many often can't, the Vatican warned Tuesday in a document called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road."

Now speeding, reckless driving and driving while drunk aren't just illegal — they're sins.

So are rude gestures, cursing and showing off in fancy cars.

"One of the roots of many problems relating to traffic is spiritual," the 36-page statement says. "Cars tend to bring out the 'primitive' side of human beings, thereby producing rather unpleasant results."

"Especially if you have a good car," said Rene Dehoyos, 49, called by some an ambassador of San Antonio but known by most as a road-weary cabbie who hauls a lot of tourists.

"If the car's a beat-up car and it doesn't have the power, they're going to drive like a Sunday driver," he said. "If you have the power, then it's going to change you."

To help those drunk with ego exercise virtue, the Vatican document includes the "Ten Commandments" for drivers, starting with "You shall not kill" and ending with "Feel responsible toward others."

It also suggests praying — just don't close your eyes.

Passengers taking turns reciting the rosary is particularly helpful since its "rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver's attention."

Drive-through confessions might be next, predicted Judy McDonald, a Catholic comedian based in San Diego. Lord knows, that would help.

"Driving here today, a guy cut me off right in the middle of a Hail Mary," she said by cell phone from Orlando. "I said a not-so-nice word, but Mary saw the guy cut me off."

The Vatican document isn't meant to be frivolous and extols the benefits of driving — getting to work, getting the sick to hospitals and connecting families and cultures.

But it laments a host of ills associated with automobiles — road rage, aggressive driving, drinking alcohol, using drugs and not maintaining safe vehicles.

Mobility and wandering are part of human nature, but with the dizzying growth of traffic and idolization of cars, roads need to be more humane.

"How many times have you found that something changes when you get behind the wheel — your behavior and even sometimes your language changes and you say, "That's not like me?'" said Deacon Pat Rodgers, a spokesman for the Archdiocese of San Antonio. "It just seems appropriate that we see some guidelines that we can follow when we get into high-pressure situations on the road."

The Sacred Heart Auto League hailed the announcement as reinforcing a cause it has championed since 1955.

The Catholic group's claim to fame is making Jesus figurines for cars as reminders for "prayerful and careful driving."

"This is no Moses coming down from the mountain," said Steve Koepke, director of the parent organization, Sacred Heart League in Walls, Miss. "But it does try to take Christ's commandment of love our neighbor and put it into action on the road."

The other commandments for motorists urge communion among people, courtesy, uprightness, prudence, charity, not using cars to show power, convincing unfit drivers not to drive, supporting families of accident victims and bringing together guilty drivers and victims to facilitate forgiveness.

Joe Cerda, 59, a longtime veteran of San Antonio roads, didn't need to see the Vatican's list.

"It's just common sense," he said. "To me that's normal, to my philosophy."

Last Thursday...

Last Thursday I was in Tampa, Florida where I was lucky enough to score some tickets from my friends at Spirit FM to the baseball game. The Padres were in town and I just happen to have a Padre shirt with me and sunflower seeds so it was very convenient. I was very concerned that I would indeed catch on fire while watching the game in the noon day sun until my friend Russ explained that Tropicana Field is an indoor field. A what? Baseball when not played outdoors is as my dad would say, communist. It was then explained to me that if they did not have a roof it almost every game would either be rained out or some how other interrupted since baseball season and hurricane season run together and like Doritos and gum, just don't mix.
So I watched inside baseball and as you can tell by the picture, I was very frightened and confused. The Padres won 7 to 1 and I got some free plastic things to beat together which I would never do at an outside game but, on account that I was inside it was OK.

Next time.....we discuss, the car ride and what happens when you get carsick while on a bridge.

Happy Big Poppy Day!

Some facts about my dad:

He kept the Mid-West safe during the Korean Conflict while he served in the Army Reserve.

He drove cattle when he was in high school (the traditional way, not in a car).

He could survive on Skippy peanut butter sandwiches on Wonder bread and Coke.

He rode out to California on a train, like a hobo and he still turned out OK.

He hates going to the dentist more than I hate clowns, we both hate clown dentists equally.

He has been on National TV more times than me (not even counting the C.O.P.S. episodes).

He met Johnny Carson once.

Kilt him a b'ar when he was only three

He got a free pair of golf shoes from Roger Clemens golfing buddy but was more excited about the free Gatorade he got that day.

He will watch the Quiet Man if it's on TV even though he has seen it 590 times.

He likes to salute the Ronald Reagan poster in my room.

I am his favorite daughter, but he is such a good dad that he doesn't let on to "the others".

Every Christmas when he opens a present he puts the bows on his head and pretends like they aren't there. That's my personal favorite.

Celebration Station: Clearwater, Florida

I ain't gonna lie, it's just nice to be out of the house.

Tonight was my triumphant return to comedy after the Chuck Norris incident and I was relieved to find the tumor they took out did not contain my sense of humor. The doctor said he didn't take it out (my sense of humor) but he also said a bunch of other stuff I didn't believe so I was a bit weary of my first time back performing since the whole being funny for a career thing pays for such humorless tumors to come out.

My favorite thing about performing comedy at Celebration Station (which is a distant cousin to the Chuck E. Cheese) other than the constant bells and bright lights which have been known to cause seizures in lab rats are their colorful signs.

And for the record their chicken strips are not made entirely of dead lab rats. Only partially.

Tampa

I'm up at the crack of dawn to be on the radio down here in Florida. 4 hours of sleep and 3 time zones makes for good radio and nervous FCC sensors.

3 Things That Make Me Smile

1. I dominate Oceanside Little League Baseball.
2. My auntie Poo once stole a car with Roger Marris.

3. Me and Paris finally have something in common.

Overheard at the Vatican

"It's a Whomping stick to hit the next crazy who tries to jump on your motorcade."

'Unstable' German Ruins a Perfectly Good Day

Having just been to the Vatican, I know this is something they really frown upon. Heck, in the summer you can't even wear tanks tops, so the whole jumping over the barrier and on to the popemobile is a real no-no!
"A 27-year-old German man managed to jump onto Pope Benedict's uncovered popemobile in a dramatic breach of security which has triggered fears for the safety of President George Bush when he visits the Vatican on Friday."
"[The man] was not trying to kill [the Pope] but attract attention to himself," he said.

But because Pope Benedict is SO cool, this didn't even phase him. If he was playing "2 for flinching" he wouldn't get hit in the arm. That's my Pope! I wonder if he and W will talk about me on Friday. It's weird when two people you know hang out together and your not there. I'm sure I'll get a text from one of them with an inside joke. I'd tell you about it but then it wouldn't be an inside joke then would it?

DVR Emergency

I was told by an older gentleman who lives in my house that the memory on our DVR was at 66% and that he couldn't record any shows cause of all the "crap" I had saved. But I have it on good authority that said man has no idea how to record anything without the help of his youngest and most attractive daughter. He uses this similar tactic with the elderly woman that lives in my house when it comes to email messages, "you got 4 messages Gin! Come get your emails off my computer!" Like the computer and now the cable box will explode if they are not kept empty of the things they were invented to store in the first place.
I have come to a very serious problem. After diligently watching and erasing episodes of the Simpson's, The Office, Little People Big Oregon, Magnum P.I., MASH, House, Frasier, Reno 911 and Lost I have nothing! And there is nothing on TV! Sure over half the shows I mentioned have been in syndication for over 10, some 2o years but it's just the principle of the thing. An empty DVR menu is the closest thing I have to empty nest syndrome. Luckily by morning I'll have 56 shows waiting for me, it's just knowing that right now that menu is empty which makes me sad. Sad and kind of nauseated.

Der Bingle Gets Funky with Jose Feliciano Diana Ross and Supremes

Bing sings the Beatles, when he sings "Hey Jude" it's like he's singing to me, except different. I know he's not by the way.

Broken Glass

If you ever are having a really good day and are thinking everything is just right, the easiest way to take yourself down a few pegs is to ask a simple question to your health insurance company. Obviously I am lucky to even have health insurance with my genes and to have access to health care in general is more than some will ever know.

But for the most part I would rather chew on broken glass.

But then I realize that chewing on broken glass would most likely send me to the hospital and because I have a certain insurance that every hospital in California hates, my injuries received from chewing on broken glass won't be covered and I will owe another kajillion dollars.
And then I will be penny-less because no one will hire a comedian who talks funny because of the broken glass chewing incident. I will end up being a mime at the beach. And I won't be any good at that because I hate wearing cake makeup in the sun. So I will just be a mime with no makeup and people won't understand that I am a mime and just think I am crazed cat woman minus the cats. The police will be called and when they ask for I.D. I will reach in my pocket and the only thing I will have is my health insurance card. At seeing that I will be sent into such a violent rage that 6 police officers won't be able to wrestle me down. That's when the S.W.A.T. team will be called in and as I am running away, with the six guards still on me I will be shot in the butt (my luck it wouldn't be somewhere cool like the arm or leg) and finally brought down. From there I will be brought to the emergency room.
Do you see?
I can't win.

Dinosaur: Up Close and Personal

We had a most outstanding day at the Parish Festival today. That is until we lost Mikey. Luckily, Tommy thought enough to check the Dinosaur's butt. It's true what they say about losing things; it's always in the last place you look.

And a 1 and a 2 and a...

Tonight I whooped it up with my friends Larry and Adriane out at the Welk Resort. I know some of you think I "party" too hard and run with a "rough" crowd and I admit, sometimes I get dizzy from all the Diet Pepsi I drink. But I just love that Oom Paa paaa beat that reverbs in my chest, straight up gangsta, don't cha know.

Puffers

I can't believe that just 4 months ago I was winding up the European tour in Bonnie Ole Scotland. Pictured with me are 2 bouncers I met at the local pub. I believe their names are Lenny and Squiggy.

I must admit that Vista is a lot like Glasgow. For one thing the weather, wait no. Um, the food is similar because, wait, no. OK, so there are few similarities but I do miss it. I wonder if people ever miss Vista?

Vista is a lovely place to live. We do have the perfect temperature year round, but I suppose that can only get you so far in life. For example, I am gorgeous but that has only carried me so far. At some point you have to have some kind of talent. Thank God for my ability to diagnose impossible medical cases at the clinic...oh wait no, that's House. I sometimes get my life and the television shows I watch mixed up. Most of the time it's not a problem but when I watch a lot of Law and Order I sometimes scare my mom.