2004: Year in Review

The year is almost to a close, let's review the year for Jewd, shall we?

January: Had scary lump removed and thought for sure I had a horrible disease, but everything was fine.

Took 50 junior high kids on my last ever ski trip as a full time youth minister. No one died or was seriously injured, lost a few kids, brought different ones home.

February: Another Valentines Day came and that meant me turning down hundreds of offers from rich Catholic Irish Doctors to run away with them and get married.

March: Discovered my fear of midgets and dentists.

April: Nothing happened in April.

May: Hospitalized after new dentist is a midget.

June: Surfed all month and did comedy.

July: Performed comedy in front of 3,500 Catholic Teens and made four short films.

August: Had another scary lump removed and thought for sure I had a horrible disease again, but everything was fine.

September: Moved into my new spacious adobe style house in beautiful Vista California.
Ordered my 9 foot 6 inch Skip Frye board.

October: Performed so much stand up comedy that I developed carpal tunnel syndrome in my microphone hand. Started dating the midget dentist after intense shock therapy sessions.

November: Performed on the Dennis Miller Show and decided TV is fun.
Helped an old friend get re-elected.

December: Decided to be a better golfer and to join the Woman's Senior Golf Tour as soon as they form it and make millions of dollars kicking Annika Sorenstam butt!.

Came to terms with high golf handicap and settled on stand up comedy; I am so much funnier than Annika Sorenstam!

911 what is your emergency?

Driving home from the Comedy Store tonight I drove very slow and careful because that's what my parent told me to do before I left. The rain let up when I exited the 5 freeway going north and started heading east on the 78. I was driving nice and slow in the far right lane and a jetta was to my right. Up ahead I saw some flashing high way patrol lights and a ton of brake lights, obviously an accident from a stupid California driver getting scared because of the rain. As I got closer I saw that the two CHP's were directing cars off the freeway so I stayed in my lane and began to let cars merge to exit. Then I heard a tremendous crash and looked over and saw that jetta spinning in the middle lane, airbags deployed and an SUV skidding across the freeway. Holy crap! I called 911 and hung up, was this really an emergency? Yes, the air bags exploded and I saw the one dumb man getting out of his car in the middle of the freeway, hello! So I called 911 again and told the man that I had just witnessed an accident on highway 78 west just before the college exit. I told him that two officers were directing traffic off the freeway less than a block from the accident and they didn't even see what had happened. Though in thinking about it now, they were probably responsible for the whole damn thing. If they had made cars merge and exit so quickly I would have been spared the emotional damage. They took my name and phone number and I hung up and realized how scary that was because it was the car right next to me, blah blah blah. But then I realized that I had told the 911 operator 78 west when it was really 78 east. All I could picture in my mind was police cars and fire engine looking all over the 78 west for an suv and a jetta, when it was on the other side of the freeway. Oh crap, surely that is some kind of offense or misdemeanor, I'm not cut out for prison. I won't go back, I won't!
Well, hopefully everyone is fine and once again taking my parents advice did in fact safe my life tonight.

Soap is Good Food

Tsunami Death Toll Soars Past 58,000 and yet on the local news in San Diego their top story is a local power outage due to the wind and rain. Bravo local television, bravo.

In a happier story my nephew Mikey has a potty mouth. Last night he called his dad a dumb a#& and this morning he called his brother what the kids in Meet the Fockers says over and over again. He then told him to go to H, E double hockey sticks. Needles to say he is no longer allowed to play the Simpson's Hit and Run video game. At least no one is blaming auntie Jewd this time.

Get Rhythm

I always wanted to be a great dancer. How great to be on Broadway, dancing in a musical. In a chorus line kicking and hooting. With a love interest waltzing me across the stage our hearts pounding against each other. Alas there is no room for a five foot five Broadway dancer. I thought of wearing extremely high heels and passing as a taller person, but I just fell down a lot. I had a lot of time to think about dancing while recuperating in the hospital for my broken ankle. I suppose some dance lessons along the way would have helped too.

I didn't get piano lessons either. I think I'm the only kid in the world who complained about not being able to take piano lessons. I was forced to play sports and really where has that gotten me? A contract to play professional t-ball, no. I own a banjo, two guitars and an Irish drum. I can play dueling banjos and keep rhythm with a jig but alas no calls to Nashville or even Fallbrook.

Thank God my parents had me ten years after my older sister. I was left alone from much sibling contact and allowed to watch hour upon hour of mind numbing television. My little sponge of a brain was not bogged down with useless information like musical scales or math skills. I learned useful things like Bing Crosby's real name is Harry Lillis Crosby and you can't roller skate in a buffalo heard. I turned out ok, so far. Something could certainly still go very wrong.

Ralph came for Christmas!

Oh the joys of Christmas; the food, the tree, the presents, the lights and the projectile vomiting. My sister then my brother in law went down with the Christmas flu tonight. At least we lasted through all day until Ralph showed up and ruined Christmas for everyone. Of course now everyone feels sick to their stomach and wonders why they ate so many pork chops at dinner.
I'm so excited to get back to the Comedy Store tomorrow night. I am ready to get out on the road and be funny. It's either that or go back to selling knock off watches in the subway again.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night

Attack of the bathroom carpet

For the last three days my family has been at a beach condo in Oceanside. It was really fun and no one even cried and stomped out of the room, that's really good for my family. Last night we went to a Christmas Penance service and now I am all sparkly and clean and in a state of grace.
This morning when I was the first one back to our house I decided to keep up my squeaky clean soul and pick up the house before everyone else got back. I picked up the two presents that the yellow lab had torn apart and vacuumed the remainder of the red, green and white candles he had eaten (that will be a pretty color when it comes out). I then headed into start some laundry when I saw the bathroom carpet.
On Sunday this poor carpet was subjected to a toilet over flow but now was all clean and ready to be put back. It's one of those carpets that were meticulously cut to fit around the bathtub and toilet. I got down on my hands and knees and starts fitting the carpet around the edges moving magazines scales and a basket of toilet paper as I worked. Everything was in its place except for in the corner where my mom has a plant stand with no plant but a giant tole painted carousel horse. I even had a flash before I lifted the plant stand up with one hand and shoved the carpet under it with the other hand, I thought, "wow I should put my hand up and make sure that stupid horse doesn't fall and hit me in the..." BOINK!
Before I could even finish my thought that horse fell from its 4-foot high perch and right on top of my head. It hit so hard I fell backwards and hit the toilet. I tried to get up and feel right back down on my butt. I tried to get up again and fell once more. I put my hand to the now pulsating point on my head to check for blood but it came up clear. I took my cell phone out of my pocket to call my mom or 911 or the 911 nanny but saw that I had no signal. The only thing I could think of was, "this is it. This is how I'm going to die, in the bathroom, slumped over the toilet, just like Elvis but without the pills and cheesburger."
I sat in the bathroom floor for another 5 minutes and waited to die but after a while my butt fell asleep so I got up. All I got from the whole experience was a very bad headache, dilated pupils and a new found respect for horses.

Eve talks to God

I write my own material but this was a good email that my dad sent me and I had to share it.
5 more days untill someone ruins Christmas for everyone...don't let it be you!


"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with arched eyebrows,"but what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well.....you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, Lord? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman."

Ralph!

Ralph is not the name of my new boyfriend. Ralph is the noise that my nephew Mikey made tonight as he was showering the carpet with his dinner. So Auntie Jewd is going to watch him tomorrow. I am a caring loving person but so help me if he hurls anywhere near me it's over!
This is short because I have to go and gather plastic sheets to cover the furniture before the small vomit comet comes over.
On a lighter note I officially have the week of from comedy. No one is the boss of me, except my mom and she said I could take the week off. So if you want to see me do stand up this week feel free to go to my web site (www.judymcdonald.net) or you can look in my windows. I would prefer if you just went to the web site because it's a pain to file for restraining orders.

Peace in the Mid-West!

Clan

Two days until the whole McDonald clan is together under one roof. I'm usually never short of Blog topics but I have a feeling after this Christmas I will have enough new material to write a novel. My goal is to be the one not to ruin Christmas for everyone this year. Also to make sure that the only Golden Retriever in the world who hates people (that would be my dog Mac) doesn't horribly maul a niece or a nephew.
We shall see.

On the Road Again

Did you know I am typing this while swishing Listerine in my mouth? Well isn't that just the coolest thing you ever heard? I apologize, it's late and I think I swallowed a bit too much Listerine.

*******
I just got back from helping my comic friend Julia move to LA and what a fun time it was!
I really mean it I had fun. I also like doing manual labor outside so my judgment is a bit off.
The exciting part was mostly on the freeway when we were driving a borrowed stick shift truck. I have a fear of cars that are not manual; I find them unnecessary and a bit of a show-off. Whenever I drive a stick shift automobile I they tend to have epileptic seizures and stall. I then get all hot and bothered and usually end up crying. That use to be the same thing that happened to me at salad bars but someone explained what the sneeze guard was and I'm all better now.

********
With only four more days in our "lose the weight" competition between my sister and I things are getting intense. I keep offering her cookies and brownies but she's just not biting. So I secretly replaced her protein powder that she uses in her morning fruit smoothies with Weight Gaining Supplements. I hope she doesn't get "roid rage" and go on a killing spree and ruin Christmas for everyone. That would be the second worse Christmas ever.

They should hire Steven King to do their PR

My dad's surgery went fine today but was a bit off schedule so that meant an all day wait at the hospital. It's great to get actual good news for once in the McDonald family instead of the dreaded cancer word we are so use to. But I guess it's our month to shine! In most families when you are having a good month people are getting raises at work or buying new houses. In our family when no one has a life threatening disease or is not having their head fall off we are happy.
We were at the stylish Fallbrook hospital, which in its day was lovely but now is kind of scary. My dad goes there because his urologist friend is a surgeon there. Did I mention thus urologist owns a winery? Does that seem somehow very wrong to anyone else?
I say the hospital was scary because while in the waiting room one lady was mad because her husband was suppose to have a simple one hour procedure and it had been four hours since anyone had told her anything. And another lady was extremely upset because while she stepped out for coffee they wheeled her husband to surgery without telling her and she now had no idea where he was. So all and all my dad telling us the same story over and over again was very humorous to the other scary stories from the Hospital.

My dad is rather fun on a morphine drip, kind of like how you knew Bing Crosby was in real life. I should have asked dad to sing White Christmas for me. Instead I just had him sign some papers that say I get to pick the nursing home when it's time. Not really but I am the favorite daughter for now because I took care of the old man when he needed it.
Did I mention he got me Big Bertha Irons for Christmas? What a guy, I'm glad he's ok.

Fleeting Fun

I am the best daughter in the world. As a good daughter I frequently call home when I am at the store to see if my mom or dad need anything. My dad is going into the hospital for some surgery on Monday and needed some Rx that would rid his body of, well, everything.
Fleet brand, you either know what it is or you don't, I'm not here to educate, go ahead google it and see what pops up.
Now I love my dad, but that's just a bit much to ask, it's embarrassing to buy that stuff! But of course I do it because I don't want to break any non-fun commandments. My mom said over the phone, "if anyone looks at you funny just say your buying it for your dad." That's such a good mom answer.
They should make one row in the supermarket with nothing but the embarrassing items. I won't list them here because we all know what they are. It would be an aisle where it was understood you would not make unnecessary eye contact or cast judgment on anyone because your all down that aisle for a reason.

This would happen in my perfect world. That's the world where exercise makes you fat .

The world where every time the dumb girls in Survivor roll their eyes they get an electric shock.

The world where My rich Irish Catholic doctor husband loves to cook.

Greek Tragedy

I got back from performing two different shows tonight and wanted to change to go to bed. As I was taking off my jeans I noticed something. Usually I unbutton and unzip to take off pants, I don't know about you maybe your technique is different.

So I unbuttoned and then went to unzip and found I was already unzipped.

Now to you at home reading this on your computer you say big deal.
But to me who was just in front of a few hundred people I say, BIG DEAL!

I hope I had already unzipped before I unbuttoned and wasn't showing my delicates to everyone at the show.

I really think if that were the case I would have been paid more and given two pieces of baklava instead of one.

Greek Comedy

After the comedy store tonight I am going to do a set at the Greek Palace http://www.greekpalace.com.
Come, eat, laugh, eat!

Pasty White Jewd

Remember when I wasn't pasty white? I do, I use to be tan. I use to look like a Hawaiian island girl...except different.
The Pope is tan; he must sit outside while he prays.
My dad is tan because he golf's a lot. But pop never was a big fan of sunscreen and I'm not willing to go down that road.
You'd think with some of that German blood I have flowing though me I would be brown, weren't all of Hitler's youth blue eyed blond tan people? I don't know I didn't pay attention in history class, or any other class for that matter. PE was fun though. If I had had only PE classes I would have really been tan, problem solved.

The real problem here is that the sun has been absent for the past two weeks. It's been cloudy and raining and that's just unacceptable. I haven't surfed since the week I was on Dennis Miller Show and needed to go in the water to settle down. But in the last month there has been so many storms the water has either being poopie (literally because of bacteria) too big or too small. Yesterday the dorky weatherman on the news said 13-foot swells. I don't do that anymore.

Seven years ago I broke two vertebrae in my back surfing in 8-foot surf. For those of you who have never surfed and can't imagine what that is like let me paint you a picture.
Imagine being in a tranquil bathtub.
Your floating along you have your rubber ducky by your side, everything is going great.
And bam!
Out of nowhere an eight-foot solid wall of water comes screaming towards you.
You panic and very quickly pick up the red phone that goes directly to Jesus.
By the time Jesus answers the giant wall of water has held you under water for a minute and just as you pop up another wall holds you down causing you to accidentally hang up on Jesus.

That scenario is exactly why I don't take baths anymore.

W

When I awoke to the fake KUSI news this morning all they were talking about was the arrival of President George W Bush to San Diego.

Great, I thought to myself, I haven't talked to GW since 1996 surely my buddy will give me a call. So I fixed myself some coffee and brought the phone into the living room so I could watch the news while I waited.

After about an hour I came to the realization that he wasn't going to call...he probably would just stop by! Our house is right under the flight path from Miramar to Camp Pendleton, duh.

So I walked outside and I kid you not the two helicopters flew right over my house. If that wasn't amazing enough I could have sworn I saw him salute me and yell, "yiiiiihaaaaaaaa, hey girl you think I'd come to town and not say hello!"


He did fly over and I did have coffee, don't judge, I'm very lonely.

MIKEY'S JOKE OF THE DAY

What did the Apple say to the banana?
Bathroom words.

What do you want, the kid is four.

Everybody was Kung Foo Fighting

Today I drove up to Irvine to watch my two favorite nephews in their first ever karate tournament. Wow...karate; let's hear it for martial arts in a giant auditorium. The Mr. Miagi comments were swirling around in my head so fast I had to sit down. My little 4-year-old nephew had been up since 5am so by the time came for his form competition came around he was a very angry dragon. There were so many white and yellow belt midgets in his category that they had to split up the group and by the time that happened we were 20 minutes into it. When the judge finally did call his name Mikey runs over to him slapping his own head and making faces (where did he learn that? Not his auntie welfare that's for sure) He does his blocks and whatever's and everybody claps and he sits back down relieved he doesn't have to do that anymore until we remind him he still has to spar. Oh no, Mikey is not going to stand for smacking around another 4-year old, even though he lives for smacking other kids when he's not suppose to; I guess when you don't have a nap you turn into a pacifist. Needless to say there was not a second trophy for Mikey today. All he had to do was to step into the ring with his new cup and hit another kid. Oh well there's always next time. Tommy came in third in his form and actually beat a kid sparring; woo hoo that angry Irish blood does a kid good.
The one thing that made me mad was that they stopped all the little kid stuff so that the sensei's could perform a weapons' demo. So for 45 minutes we had to watch guys in their pajamas dance around with swords and yell Chinese words that I'm sure were dirty. Next time let the guys actually do full contact weapons demo on eachother and make the hour drive worth my while.

PIGS IN SPACE!

My mom and I drew straws and I lost, so I had to take our psycho golden retriever to the vet today. Mac is a freak of nature because every other golden retriever in the world wouldn't hurt a fly and our snaps at small children. Yesterday I picked up some pills because he tends to bite the vet. I didn't understand how me taking pills would make my dog feel better but who am I to question veterinary medicine. We muzzled him right away in the office but he till managed to snap at one of the two vet techs that tried to look in his ears. Well the pills didn't kick in until after we left the vet's office, poor Mac slept the rest of the day and is going to have quite a hangover tomorrow morning.

I'm watching Sir Elton John sing crocodile rock on the Muppet show. He apparently didn't want to wear big glasses and fancy feather outfits but the Muppets insisted and you really can't say no to a Muppet...they bite. Watching the Muppet DVD's bring me back to when I watched them for the first time on TV. It was definitely my favorite show especially because of the guest stars. I remember I would run into my mom's office and say, "Mom, tonight's very special guest star on the Muppet show is Mr. Gene Kelly!" Oh boy I was a dork, but I'm so glad I watched so much TV when I was little, it didn't leave any space for meaningless things like math or logic. Now Elton John and Miss Piggy are singing, "Don't go breaking my heart", now that was quality children's television.

Speaking of children, when I got to my sister's tonight I got to witness a truly special time in every young boy's life. Mikey and Tommy got their first cups. They have a karate tournament on Sunday and they were making sure they would work.
"Hit me in the wiener" (BOINK)
laughter
"Now you hit me in my wiener!"(BOINK)
laughter
I can't wait to have kids.

Comedy is good food

I know it's Soup is good food but give me a break, it's late. Just got back from the Comedy Store and my gosh it was fun. I always feel weird when I take a few days off and miss some shows, but it's just like riding a bike. I fall down a lot when I do comedy just like when I ride a bike.
I'm really proud of my friends who are just starting out and have so much talent. Hopefully they will burn out quickly and quit so I dont have to work so hard. I have officially been doing comedy for 10 years. Holy crap, I have socks older than that! I don't know what that means but my dad always says it. This comedy stuff is good for me, it keeps me on my toes and off the streets. Those damn gangs are always trying to get me to join. I always say no to the gangs because I don't want to have to get a tear tatoo on my check and I think that's like a requirement for most of them.
The only gang I will associate with is the nifty niners. They are the groups of ladies out at the golf course who I play nine holes of golf with on Thursdays, only 2 of them have tatoos and only one is a tear drop. I won 75 cents for the least amount of puts today so that was good. My dad gave me a set of Big Bertha irons as a early Christmas present and so far I can really hit the snot out of the ball with them. My old irons were my dad's old set and were so heavy I would go into back spasm after 18 holes with them. But these new clubs are light and fluffy graphite, they are so cool! Now I have to get my dad a real Christmas present and not just another coupon book like he got for his birthday.

It turns bread into toast!

I watch the ABC show Lost and it makes me think, how would I do on an island? I think if there was no polar bears or any other evil forces at work I could do all right. I would be the one who would fish and pick berries. I'm not too keen on keeping the fire going. I can light the fire; just ask the arson investigators, I just don't have the commitment to keep them going. I am a big fan of daily showers and smooth legs so I guess I would spend a lot of time in the ocean and I would have to fashion a crude razor out of a coconut and a monkey.
I would be happy about my killer tan but I would be sad when the tan turns into a deadly carcinoma.
I would definitely win the "lose the weight" competition against my sister if I was on an island between now and Christmas. That seems a bit overboard to be stranded on an island just to win but I do hate to lose.
Also if I was on a deserted island I would not be subjected to Nick and Jessica's Family Christmas...oh dear God take me home now. I accidentally taped their special after Lost and because I have a bit of a dark side I watched as much as I could stomach. I hardly think this is how Jesus envisioned the celebration of His birth, but ya know what, maybe He saw it coming and wanted a good laugh, then again maybe not.

It's frickin freezing

Ya I said it, I'm cold. As I was driving home tonight the thermometer in my car said 33 degrees and then would flash the word ice. Like the car couldn't believe how cold it was either. Brrrrrrr. I know some of you are reading this where it is snowing and you are saying, "You don't know cold you California pansy." It's one thing to complain about how it's cold in the Midwest or the east coast, but seriously, you knew what you were signing up for back there. It tends to snow and be cold there. It's like nun's complaining about having to pray too much in the convent, you didn't sign up for MTV beach house, your in a convent! So I can complain because I live here in San Diego where it's legally suppose to be 72 year round (except for when it's 33!). My people escaped the tundra because of this cold weather. This needs to stop. If it doesn't I will be forced to write an angry letter to my congressman. I mean it; it will be a very angry letter.

I just got back from another exciting trip from the Laugh Factory. I went with my good friends Tim, John and Scott and had a great time. Dennis Miller's film crew wasn't there but we still had fun. We met some nice normal comics (from Minnesota don't cha know) and we all had great sets. It's always fun to go to different clubs and know that you can be funny in front of strangers. It's like being Catholic, comedy is a universal thing. Overall it was a great trip, no one was shot or had anything shoved in his or her ear. It only took us an hour and forty-five minutes to get to Hollywood; the trip would have been worth it for that great feat alone. We even gave money to a nice homeless grandma. We saw her in KFC and didn't want to ask her if she needed money so we kind of strategically placed money under her foot so she would see it when she got up. We are just like Mother Teresa...but different.