My mom started cleaning out some drawers yesterday and found an envelope containing a bunch of birth certificates. Don't worry; they weren’t from all the kids that were naughty so they got rid of them (that story only worked for a brief while in the 80's with me when I was naughty). They were Cabbage Patch Birth Certificates. Like the stories we get on our birthdays about how long she was in labor these certificates brought back a wave of pain and suffering for mom. She would wait in long lines early in the morning waiting for “the release” of a few dolls. She finally acquired three for us girls and we “adopted” them on Easter morning 1988. At the time Cabbage Patch dolls were the hottest things going. Hotter than Paris Hilton saying, “that’s hot” while she herself is on fire.
My Cabbage Patch Doll was a preemie named Lenny and it was love at first sight. His baldhead had been soaked in what I’m sure was some carcinogenic chemical that made it smelled like baby powder. He had the signature on his little butt, to prove he was an authentic Cabbage Patch. He was perfect, right down to his little…oh dear God, what’s wrong with Lenny’s hands!
Here is the letter my mom wrote to the Cabbage Patch Quality Control People:
May 6, 1984
Please find enclosed pictures of our newly acquired darling, Lenny Dwane. Like every other mom in the country, I have been stalking the stores trying to acquire doll for our 3 girls. I was lucky enough to happen into a “Best” Store in Oceanside, California before Easter and purchased one. Our youngest girl was given Lenny as an Easter gift. That’s the good news, now for the bad news.
We discovered that Lenny’s right hand was backwards and smaller than his left one. He’ll never be able to make a fist (let alone ever eat an ice cream cone with that hand).
We know we could never get Lenny away from Judy to send back for proof, so we took pictures of his deformity. We thought for what we go through to pay and purchase a Cabbage Patch Kid, Quality Control should see.
Thank you,
Ginny McDonald
(Lenny’s Grandma)
Enclosed with the letter was a photo of my brave adopted son Lenny with his little backwards withered hand, reminiscent to Corporal Radar O’Reilly from MASH (didn’t you ever think it was weird that you never saw his one hand?).
On May 23 we received this letter back: I have added my own feelings on the letter in brackets.
Dear Ms. McDonald,
We have received your recent letter regarding Cabbage Patch and are sorry to hear you are having problems.[Send out a form letter! My kid’s hand is on backwards!] The impact that Cabbage Patch Kids have made on everyone, including all of us at Coleco, has been phenomenal. [Cha Ching!] For this reason, we have created a Cabbage Patch Repair Center. [ on a Cabbage Patch TV special they showed this place as a kind of hospital where “doctors” and “nurses” tended to Cabbage Patch kids who had been involved in serious car accidents or badly burned in a grease fire. I vividly remember seeing an ambulance pull up to said center and a paramedic jumping out of the back with a bandaged up Cabbage Patch Kid.] If the Cabbage Patch Kid is less than 30 days
old, please send Cabbage Patch Kid, along with a copy of your sales slip to Coleco for repair.[What happened to the ambulance?] If beyond 30 days, or the result of damage other than a factory defect, return to Coleco for repair along with $7.50 to cover the cost of repair, and shipping and handling [That’s actually pretty good health insurance. $7.50 co-pay for transportation and what would probably be a very tricky hand replacement surgery.] Should the Cabbage Patch Kid be beyond practical repair, [terminal] the Cabbage Patch and your $7.50 will be returned. [for pain and suffering]
If we may be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact us at the above address. [perhaps they offer a Cabbage Patch Kid Grief counseling program]
Sincerely yours, [That’s a warm touch]
CUSTOMER SERVICE20 years later and Lenny is doing fine. We kept Lenny "as is" and it taught me a valuable lesson:
Dolls really don't use their hands that much.
