Final Sign of the Apocalypse

Tom Jones Receives Knighthood From Britain

Would the prequel to Doctor Zhivago be Mr. Zhivago?

What with Christmas and all I never got to tell my story of my terrible snowboarding injury.
First day of snowboarding: no problem, wheeee! Look at me flying down the hill, good thing I have a helmet.

Second day of snowboarding: after the first lift and going down a black diamond run with the dingle berries in the picture, sharp stabbing pain in my shin bone. Holy ouch. It only hurts when there is pressure on my shin which was all the time since the snowboard boots are a necessary part of the whole package when going down a hill while strapped to a piece of fiberglass.

Third day of snowboarding: I go on 2 runs and lay down in the snow and say naughty words cause by leg hurts so much. The ski patrol wanted me to get an x-ray but it was the day we were leaving and even if in the x-ray they found a hamster or discovered my spleen had slipped down into my shin, what was the ski patrol gonna do about it? So I went in the lodge and sipped cocoa and sat down by the fire until it was time to leave.

Back in the land of Surf and sand I went to see an orthopedic surgeon. After an x-ray and a quick look see this doctor said he thought I had..."boot bang".

What I had was bruising on the bony front of my shin, a nerve can get squished while in the boot and it takes a while of being out of the boot for the nerve not to hurt like a monkey on fire. But this doctor instead of saying that said, "Boot bang". This man went to medical school.
That involves learning lots of big words. I guess I shouldn't go to an orthopedic surgeon that works out of the back of his van.

"Bene-Detto"

The German Shepard looks good in hats, that's a good thing if you are the pope. Hats are pretty much part of the "uniform" so you better have a level head to be Pope or all bets are off.
This is kind of a scary photo that a Reuters photographer snapped, but I can tell you after seeing himself close up he looks much nicer in person. In person he looks like a kind old grandpa that would smoke a pipe and whistle like Bing Crosby while mowing the lawn on his riding mower...Except different.

IM I Cried

dasjewd: r u watching the office?
dasjewd: it's funny
dasjewd: i like it
dasjewd: i like chocolate
dasjewd: hello?

I talk to people on IM all the time...they always don't talk back.

dasjewd: you know what would be cool?
jewdsdad: I'm busy
dasjewd: If they would play Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass during my YMCA kick boxing class
dasjewd: that would get the ladies heart beat elevated
jewdsdad: ok then
dasjewd: Whipped Cream, I like that song of theirs

The main problem, as I see it most of my friends are online when they are at work. And supposedly they have to "work" at work. But when I think about it in my head I feel like it's my service no my ministry for them to keep them entertained while they are "working". If they really didn't want to IM at work perhaps they would not be signed in the first place. I should really email their bosses, better yet I will instant message them!

Look What I Got For Christmas!

A real life Axe Wielding Midget Clown! My mom thinks she is so funny.

December 23

Today is my favorite day of the year.
It's the day before Christmas Eve.
The day before we go to Christmas Eve mass.
The day before we try to get everyone to sit down and take a family photo and make sure the dogs are in it.
The day before we open presents (yes, we open Christmas Eve, jealous?)
It's the day I wrap Christmas presents and buy some at Walgreens.
And of course it's the last day to be extra good so Jesus can tell Santa how good you really are cause He knows your heart and can plea your case to the morbidly obese man in red!

Mr. Neil Diamond said to tell you, "Hello Again, Hello"

That's right, mom and I saw Mr. Neil Diamond last night in concert and let me tell you, I'm a believer!

Not only can he dance better than Robert Goulet but he wears sequence better than Liberace. He is a stud!

His side burns are just long enough, you don't want them to actually touch your chin but just skirting your cheeks, horizontal to your nose. Mr. Neil Diamond is also in very good shape for a 64 year old, It must be from the excessive dancing he does during the bridges in his songs.

After seeing the general population of Mr. Neil Diamond's audience, I left with very high self esteem. I don't mean to be cruel but just cause Mr. Neil Diamond wears sequence and you like his music, doesn't mean it's ok for you to wear sequence as well.

To continue our Mr. Neil Diamond experience mom and I are watching the "Jazz Singer" while eating rum balls and drinking tea. We party it up on a Thursday night in Vista just like rock stars, except different.

Smells like Teen Spirit

Just got off a 14 hour bus ride with 81 kids and boy do I have a new found respect for Fabreeze. How come teenage boys smell so bad? Perhaps they do not realize how bad they actually smell because all their senses are not fully developed yet. Or maybe they enjoy the fact that they can make others physically ill with their own stench. Very caveman-like but I think I am on to something. I know people I hang out with would not boast to their friends that they have not showered in 3 days. But maybe I just hang out with really classy people. At any rate I have to go and put all my money into Fabreeze stocks, I wonder how much $3.78 will buy.

Brrrrrrrrrr! 2 Electric Boogaloo

Still in Utah, still cold, still sore but don't worry, I am still very cute.
Imagine Sandra Bullock snowboarding, but different.

Brrrrrrrrrr!

Goodnight from Sandy Utah where I am dehydrated tired and everyone in my room is gaseous.
Praise the Lord, we be hitting the mountain tomorrow!

If you need me I'll be in Sandy, Utah

But before I go can I mention that I can't find my snowboard jacket...do you have it?
This is getting pretty serious because it's a high of 28 and a low of 8 in Utah...that's just DUMB!
Maybe I can bring Chewie along to keep me warm, he has no boundaries ya know.

Boundaries!

We all enjoy boundaries right? I don't come to your house and go through your underwear drawers, not because I don't want too, but because it just isn't right.
Well, yellow labs don't have boundaries. Chewie, my sisters dog who has lived with us for almost 2 of his 3 years alive is a yellow lab.
When he first arrived he slept on the floor and was very content. My golden retriever Mac, has always slept at the foot of my bed and made sure Chewie knew it was his bed and he was just letting me sleep there while I was home. But after 2 years Mac and Chewie are buddies and they share things, like the bed. Slowly but surely Chewie has crept his way up onto the bed. And no I don't have two 70 pound dogs laying at my feet, I have one laying on my feet and one snuggling up under my neck. Chewie likes to snuggle. Chewie also snores.
Last night was pretty ridiculous, I woke myself up because I couldn't breath. I have asthma and thought I was having an attack. But coming to my senses out of a sound sleep I realized that I was not having an attack but Chewie was sleeping on my head.

Chewie loves too much.

Chewie has seen the boundary and he has not only broken it but chewed it up and spit it out.

CD - Just in time for Christmas!

These will be available on www.lifeteen.com online store very soon or you can buy one from me! Virgin records wanted exclusive rights but I said, "I don't think so!".
Buy one today and save the life of a puppy. I really don't know how buying one would save the life of a puppy, but why take the chance?

Lion, Witch, the Wardrobe and Me

I saw The Chronicles of Narnia tonight and it was very good. One thing I want to know is why are some animals good and hang out with the Jesus Lion and some animals bad to the bone and chum around with the evil poo face devil witch?
Here is a list I have so far:
Polar bears = evil
Wolves = evil (yet boxers good)
Unicorns = good
Cheetahs = good
Bison/Man morph = very bad
Midgets = bad
Beavers = good
Foxes = good
Bats = bad
Rhinos = good
awkward looking young British actors = good
Turkish delight = extremely evil!

Dentist Elf

At 9 am tomorrow I have a stupid dentist appointment because I have a stupid cavity. I was suppose to go in and get it filled a month ago but I was on a plane going somewhere so I cancelled it but now I have to go and face the stupid drill. I hate the drill. I hate smelling and seeing smoke that is coming from my own mouth. I called the dentist office on Friday and asked the receptionist to please tell the dentist that I don't want any silver fillings in my mouth anymore. Let's try to camouflage the mercury in my mouth or whatever it is, Kryptonite, I don't know.
Tomorrow, as a sort of last breakfast I will consume a few caramel sugared nuts, a peanut butter sandwich and other things that will stick between my teeth. Sure it will be gross for him but it is his job, let him deal with it. He's going be the only one get paid for being there and I'm going to be the one in pain and freaking out having another human beings hand in my mouth not to mention a power drill. Stupid cavity.

Victoria, Texas Photo's Ya'll

If You need me I'll be in Julian, CA

Thank You, I'll Be Here All Week

Tonight I went up at the Comedy Store in front of 3 people.

Life on stage can be summed up by one word, but this is a family blog so I won't write it here. But it is just like real life; a series of ups and down, highs and lows. Just a few weeks ago I was doing comedy in front of 3000 people, tonight 3. Next week I'll be skiing in Utah (that had nothing to do with my train of thought I just wanted to rub it in your face).
This picture can help illustrate my feelings to you. Some days you are the door and some days you are the lizard. Here's hoping your days are lizard free!

Things That Make Me Angry

- Axe wielding Midget clowns.
- People who don't like dogs.
- Math
- Stepping on gum in your bare feet or what you think is gum which later turns out to be your pet goldfish
- People who burp and blow.
- Paper cuts.
- Desert boogers.
- People who complain about having to park far away from the gym but once they are in the gym they walk on the treadmill.
- Being poor.
- Fat free milk.
- Tall clowns.
- Gravy on my mashed potatoes.
- Restraining orders.
- Alf
- Nightly news teasers
- Damn Illinois Nazis.
- When people hear Bing Crosby and think it's Perry Como, oh man that makes me so angry I could spit.

Watch out Chuck Norris

Tommy had to fight this King Kong boy who was 8 feet taller than him. When the other kid stepped into the ring Tommy's eyes almost popped out of his head, he looked like he ate puppies for breakfast! Tommy lost but at least he did not run away like I wanted to.
Mikey is bad to the bone and a karate machine.

I Am a Dork.

I just looked up what time kick boxing is tomorrow morning at the YMCA.
It's at 9:15 AM.
I set an alarm on my phone that says 'kick boxing' and it will go off 40 minutes before the class starts.
I even programmed the alert noise to be my nephew Mikey saying, "Hey Jewd, DO IT" so as to motivate me.

But I know in the depths of my being, I won't go to that class.

Sure right now at 8pm the night before I have every intention of going and hitting and kicking my way to physical perfection (I am so close by the way). But in the morning it will be cold, I will be grumpy and eating pancakes will seem like a better idea than driving all the way to the YMCA to go to kick boxing. Besides most car accidents happen within 2 miles of your home, so why take the chance? And why do car accident happen within 2 miles from your home? I would move cause it sounds like you live in a rough neighborhood. Besides if I went to that class, there would undoubtedly be someone in the class that would be really annoying and then I would be forced to make fun of them in my head and what if that button that stops my thought from becoming outloud was on the fritz and I accidentally called someone a horrible name? That would most definitely do damage to someone's happy day. Although really how happy can someone's day be going who is wearing pink leg warmers and a matching head band!

So you see I cannot go to kick-boxing tomorrow morning but instead will stay at home and glorify God by eating pancakes.

Karate Pope

I just spent 10 hours watching a Kempo Karate tournament that my two nephews and sister competed in, and I want my money back. Technically I did not pay to get in but if I would have, technically I would want that 8 bucks back. Here is my complaint, not enough blood shed. They hit or kick and then the judge stops them to award a point before anyone gets smacked around enough to be even remotely entertaining.
Nothing like the Karate Kid! At one point when the black belts were fighting, one twisted his ankle and was reminiscent of a Daniel-son crane moment, with the passing of Mr. Miyagi I thought it would have been most appropriate but...no. I did get most my Ignatius of Loyola book almost done. I think I relate to Ignatius because he really never wanted to get a job, he just wanted to rely on God for everything so he would just beg for his food. That's kind of what I do now with my parents. People use to make fun of him (do you go to hell for making fun of a saint?) for begging because he was not sick or unable to work, I get that all the time! I should be done with this book by tonight and then what? I hope it doesn't get around that I read a book in less than 40 hours, one with NO PICTURES I might add.

And then I get home to watch the CBS movie about the life of John Paul II and the actor portraying papa is the dude from "The Princess Bride"! I must say he had the Pope's voice down but when I would look at him all I could think of was quotes from the movie, "buttercup". They should have had Fred Savage narrating the story to his grandson, that would have been the ultimate tie in. That would have even made comic book guy from the Simpsons proud.

Jewd can Read

I am reading the autobiography of Ignatius of Loyola and the poor bugger got a canon ball shot through his leg! Now, that has to sting just a little. But getting the canon ball through his leg did lead to his conversion. A canon ball. I hope I am never to point in my life that God has to send a sign that big for me. I hope I can pick up on the smaller ones like puppy breath or hearing a child's laughter.

A canon ball!

I am only 60 pages into the book and the helicopter chase scene just finished so I'll keep you updated if Ignatius gets shot at anymore. The guy must have been in really good shape cause I know he was into "exercise".
Just another thrilling Saturday night!

Did You Know...

...I have not surfed in 2 weeks! This is what people refer to when they talk about suffering in the world.
Pray for whirled peas.

Home from Houma

First stop from the airport was to see my favorite God daughter and her big sister. Then we got down to the good stuff: Califonia Burritos!
It was no shrimp "san-which" though.
I had a very good time down in Cajun country. Made new friends and got in touch with an ancient one, He's actually timeless. He says hello and He would like to hear from you. It was cool to see how long I could just shut up and do nothing, no phone or computer or TV. Longest 12 minutes of my life! I hope to go back someday soon because I had a great time. Everyone should go to Houma, LA if for nothing else for Ronnie's Hot Holes!