S.W.A.T.

As I type this there are twelve Police officers at my neighbors house in swat gear brandishing their high powered automatic weapons. At around 9pm I was passing by our front door and out of the corner of my eye I saw a huge flash and then heard a loud bang. I thought it was more thunder and lighting and my dad said, "Whoa somebody hit the transformer!" I went out to see if in fact there was a horrible car accident and I heard, "Police! Get down! Police, everybody get down on the ground!" I quickly ran back in and told my dad we were both wrong and that SWAT was paying a visit to our neighbors, This isn't the first time these neighbors have had police men visiting them, but it's never been with so much fire power. For the next 2 hours we were all at different bedroom and bathroom windows looking to see what was going on, with the lights out of course. People would come home (at last count I think 20 people live in the house) and the SWAT would rise up out of their hiding spots and handcuff them. My mom is in heaven because she loves this stuff and I guarantee by morning she will have the detective in charge of the operation on the phone and get the whole story. In the mean time I can go to bed with the secure knowledge that there are a dozen men 30 feet away with high powered weapons. We are not getting robbed tonight

Beef, It's Whats Not For Dinner

Fridays in Lent are always fun. No meat. I love talking to people and reminding them it's friday just as they have ordered their double double from In and Out. It's one thing to eat a hamburger on Friday when you forget and feel bad about it later but once you know (or better yet someone reminds you) you can't eat that burger. It's like the cartoon character who doesn't fall to his death because he has no concept of gravity and then someone hands him a book on gravity and after reading it he falls to his cartoon death. I'm that friend. I got my meat craving out of the way Thursday night so I would not be so meat crazy on Friday. I ate 2 tacos from a place for only 99 cents! Can you believe it! What a deal. As I was eating it all I could think was I don't know if I'm loving this so much because it tastes good or because I only had to spend 99 cents. I think it was the 99 cent thing. So if your reading this and you already ate a hamburger, I'll get you this time but if you are reading this and you have not ordered yet your welcome. Now it's your turn to remind your best Catholic friend that it's Friday...share the love!

Under Ire

My friend and I were walking today and he stopped to read the headlines that read something like, "Local Base Under Ire." Of course being the super genius I am I quickly blurted, "Ha, they forgot to put an 'f' on fire, what idiots!"

Turns out ire means Anger or wrath.
Oops.

Sometimes it's best if I just don't talk, my IQ tends to go up when I say nothing.

Countdown

I have about 3 weeks to be surfboard ready. This means my arms need to get use to paddling and the rest of me needs to fit into my swimsuit. I went back to that triple fat burning class last night and the lady who upsets me was there doing her flips and jumps. Instead of leaving and eating brownies in the parking lot I stayed. I stayed and I stood right behind her and made sure that I jumped just as fast as her and my weights were just as heavy as hers. I could not out do her on her outfit though as I do not own any thing bright pink. I plan to return from Hawaii as tan as her, but that's not physically possible. Some one asked her if she had just gotten back from a trip because she was so tan. She explained she self tans a lot and goes to the tanning salon. She has a shade similar to the character Magda in the movie, "There's Something About Mary." I can't compete with that unless I want a carcinoma. So I will just be content in knowing that the triple fat burner class is all this lady had in her life to make her happy and to feel complete. I can't take that away from her; it would be like kicking a puppy. A blind puppy...with a broken leg and no tail.

Survivor

Oh thank goodness Survivor started again, I now have a sense of adventure in my life. I feel very bad for the ladies of Survivors this season because once again those crafty producers at Survivor pulled a fast one. They said, oh no you can't have your swimsuits and tennis shoes that we said you could pack. You have to wear your pretty dress and clothes that would be horrible to have if you were stranded on an island. Oh those producers. Whatever happened to the "luxury item"? Survivor also makes me think about my plane trip to Hawaii and the possibility of having to go down for a crash landing and me hanging out on an island for a while. I can tell you one thing, I am boarding that plan in my bathing suit, walking shorts and comfortable shoes just in case. I think I have been watching too much Lost because I have also been reading up on what to do if I encounter a polar bear on said deserted pacific island. I also need to do some sit ups just in case there is a news crew when I get rescued off the polar bear island; those survivor women need to "pull it in or name it" as my mom likes to say. She will of course be on the plane with me and that is convenient because she can make me eggs in the morning, on the island, with the polar bear.

Advice

Here is some good advice for you: Never buy sushi at a garage sale.

Cold

The weather here has been very icky. Icky for here, it's paradise for people in the mid west like my uncle Rich who is visiting. My mom and I are going to Oahu in a few weeks and so help me if it's not 80 and clear every day I'm going to write a letter to my congressman. The last time I was in Hawaii I was 5 and we stayed there for a month. I'm pretty sure it was part of a witness relocation program. I remember that the native kids would not play with me because I was white; it might have been that my mom use to make me get perms back then. Think Napoleon Dynamite hair. I also remember not bring able to hold it on a bus and peeing on my stuffed animal who was a raccoon named Ricky. I remember George the dog who I fed sand crabs to. I also remember that I do not like poi. The taste was not very memorable and it was grey, good for elephants but not a good combination for food.

A Day in the Life

Dear Judy,
You are fascinating. What is an average day like for you?
Love,
Brad Pitt

Dear Brad,
I'm glad you asked, her is a run down from today.
Sorry about you and Jen.
Love,
Judy

6:30am - My mom comes in my room and wakes me up by saying, "what time do you want to wake up? Hey Jewd, you can still sleep if you want, Judy, Judy are you up? You can sleep still."
Well now I'm up

7:15am - There are 4 people currently living in our home, my mom, dad, me and my Uncle Rich visiting form Fargo don't cha know. We have two showers but since our house is an architectural wonder only one shower can run at a time unless you want freezing water a slow drip. So by the time I got in the shower I was already running late.

8:08am - Pull in to the Church parking lot and run into mass for my ashes. I was disappointed in the ashes this year. I like a good black ash that will stick to your forehead for the whole day so you can go out and remind people it's Ash Wednesday when you are shopping and doing errands. But these were very grey, almost ashy. They were gone by 10am and that's frustrating.

10:27am - I play Uncle the card game 31 until I lose $1.25.

11:15am - Mom, Uncle and I go to lunch at Chipolte. We make Uncle pay because he is a senior citizen and we are showing our respect by having him buy our burritos.

11:50am - Mom and Uncle go to waste 3 hours of their lives by sitting through the Aviator and I head to the mall. At my show in Saturday I lost my bag with my make up in it. Since then I have been going in public in less than stellar looking form. So I went out to Macy's and got the full treatment by the nice MAC counter people. I even got recognized from a show I did the week before (it was a positive thing and no one threw anything at me). I left the mall with a fresh coat of make up and a high self esteem.

1:35pm - Drove to Rite Aid in Encinitas to buy 99 cent make up brushes for my thirteen-dollar eye shadow.

1:45pm - Checked into Encinitas Surgeons group and wait for a half an hour until I went in and got the all clear sign from my surgeon. No cancer lumps for me, take that family genetics!

2:15pm - Drove to the classy Marshall's in Rancho Santa Fe. I found cute clothes but when I tried them on they looked stupid. Left with deflated self esteem.

3:11pm - Went to check in with Skip Frye at his shop to check on my board, but alas the elusive Skip was no where to be found.

3:35pm - Returned MAC mascara at Macy's in La Jolla. I then went to such stores as Forever 21 and Charlotte Rouse where I saw even more cute clothes on manikins. But some days nothing looks good on except on fire so I left.

3:45pm - Went to the La Jolla Marshall's and Ross only to be saddened again by how the clothes look when you actually try them on.

4:00pm - Bought same mascara that I just returned for half the prize at a giant make up store, take that corporate America.

4:45pm - My friend the Bible Geek called and left me a voice mail that boosted my self-esteem and hopes of more opportunity to travel and be funny.

5:38pm - Called home because I forgot to set my VCR to tape Lost but I remembered the only people at home were my mom and Uncle. I spent 10 minutes trying to walk her though the whole VCR process, I felt like I was walking somebody though dismantling a bomb over the phone. In the end it was decided that at 8pm Uncle would go in my room and just hit the Record button. Which really only says "REC". That was at least 2 minutes of our conversation.

6:00pm - Meet friends for Happy Hour at Sushi on the Rock. Seems I'm back on sushi and my friend John paid for it, so everything turned out ok. Turns out when I' m not forced at gunpoint to eat all the sushi on my plate I can really pack it away.

7:30pm - Arrive at the world famous Comedy Store to see 8 people in the audience. I went up third and reminded everyone it was Ash Wednesday. Eight audience members are enjoyable but hardly excitable. Soon and very soon all of San Diego will be at the Comedy Store because comedy is funny...most the time.

9:30pm - Walk across the shopping center to Vons and bought donuts and Rice cakes. The check out bagger had the nerve to judge my choices for food. Who is this man to judge me? Doesn't he know that if you eat the rice cakes on the ride home the donut for breakfast is justified?

10:15pm - Arrive back home and check email from loyal fan Brad Pitt.

Feed Me

Today I got one of those hankerings. I wanted a spicy crab hand roll. I enjoy the sushi but it is quite spendy so lately I have not had it. There is a sushi bar in Oceanside that has an all you can eat sushi bar, so tonight I made my sister go with me, yippee. I was so hungry when we got there but a bit nervous. There is a big sign that says: Please do not waste food! Any left over food on your plate will be charged and added to your bill (Even Rice).
I was paying for this all you can eat sushi-palooza as my sister's birthday present. Any of you who really know me know that I am cheap. I don't like parting with my money, it's the Scottish way I guess. Point being we weren't going to get caught with any leftovers. But you also want to eat enough to cover the cost of the all you can eat dinner. It's a very fine line we walk here.
We started out strong and ate until we broke even and then some. My sister said she was still good to go so she ordered one more roll. A caterpillar roll, that's a California roll with avocado on the top, or so that's what Jose our sushi chief told us. I was pretty full but not to be out done I ordered a Philadelphia roll. Right when we put our order in, my inner voice (that's the one that helps me know right from wrong) said, "retract that order Jewd, you'll never finish it and you'll be charged 5 more dollars!" I listened to my voice and said, "oh I don't think I can eat, that, I'm going cancel my order." My sister assured me I would be fine and because she is bigger and older than me I listened. Jose gave me my Philadelphia roll and my sister her caterpillar roll and I knew I was going to have to cough up 5 bucks. She freaked out because there was eel on her caterpillar roll; silly Jose forgot to mention that part. I ate one to show her it wasn't that bad and when I did I realized how full I really was. It was Thanksgiving-dinner-lay-down-on-the couch full. I wasn't going to be beat though and I got about 3 pieces of my roll down, unfortunately there was 4 more left. I ate the salmon out of one and then my sister got a really good idea. I shoved one in my mouth and ran into the bathroom and spit it out in the trash. Yes I know, I am a huge dork, but remember 5 dollars! I got back and had to face the last two pieces. I ate the one more salmon and then camouflaged the remaining pieces in with the ginger. I was so full I thought I was going to hurl all over Jose. I successfully concealed the remaining roll under plates, in my soy sauce and in napkins. Guess what... I still have the 5 dollars and I am officially "off" sushi for awhile.

Tomorrow we are going up near Pasadena for a Super Bowl party where I plan to eat and eat until I am close to exploding because I am Catholic and Lent starts on Wednesday. In the morning I'm off to the YMCA to walk 3 or 4 miles on the treadmill to make some room for the next time the sushi craving comes a calling.

Quotes

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
-- Johnny Carson

Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much.
--John Wayne

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
-- Voltaire

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.
-- Otto von Bismarck

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
-- Garrison Keillor

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
--Ellen DeGeneres


Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
-- Abraham Lincoln

I invented the internet.
- Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President

Double Dare

I saw Mark Summers today. What? You don't remember the Host of Double Dare Mr. Mark Summers? It was only the coolest show on tv when I was in junior high. It was a very messy show and turns out Mark had OCD and couldn't stand being around so much slime. It took everything in me not to go up to him and say, "whoa man, what's all over your face!" or "hey your shoe is untied and your hair is very messy."
But I just smiled and walked on, because I choose to remember my TV host heros in their vermillion hot prime.

I love JPII

VATICAN CITY - Pope John Paul II shooed a dove - a symbol of peace - out his apartment window Sunday, chuckling with children who watched in delight as the bird flew back into his room overlooking St. Peter's Square.
The pontiff was addressing thousands of young people from an Italian Catholic organization who marked January as a month to promote peace.
He was flanked at his studio window by a pair of 8-year-olds - a boy and girl - who urged the world to remember children who live in countries wracked by war.
John Paul prayed that young people, "who so desire peace, become courageous and tenacious builders" of peace.
Each of the children at his side sent a dove flying, but the white birds, perhaps alarmed by Rome's unusual cold spell, almost immediately darted back into his studio.
Laughing, the 84-year-old ailing pontiff seemed determined to set the symbol free. He grabbed one of the doves as an aide returned the birds to the window sill, and he shooed it out the window and playfully patted the boy on the head.
After a quick flight over the square, the bird quickly fluttered inside again as the pope grinned.

White on Black

I live in a house with a Golden Retriever and a yellow Labrador. A Labrador is kind of like a troubadour, except different. A troubadour is a strolling minstrel while a Labrador really can't entertain people when they travel from town to town.
Did I mention my dogs are going bald? They must be because I can't escape the house without 5 pounds of their fur on me.
I have no business ever wearing black clothes. It's like the opposite of a needle in a haystack; it's just like Saint Francis said:

Where there is a black sweater, your fur.
Where there is a clean floor, your dirty paws.
Where there is a horrible smell, you sleep unknowingly.
Where there is a half eaten donut..well that was me, sorry.

One Hit Wonder

Last night my dorky friends and I were standing outside the Hollywood Improv watching Megan Mullally eat her salad inside the restaurant. I very badly wanted to go up and give her a chest high five like her and Jack do on the show but thought better of it (ok I was forcibly held back). All of a sudden this huge Mercedes pulls up really close to the curb and stops abruptly in front of the club. After we get out of the way the car pulls into the Second City parking lot and who gets out but Lauren Michaels. Being the fast thinker I am I said, "Hi Lauren!" and waved. He did a Dr Evil kind of a look and smiled and waved back. Now, looking back what I should have done was to dive in front of his car and become seriously injured, or so it would seem. When he would come to help me I would jump up and yell, "I was acting!" He would have been so impressed with my acting skills and relieved that I was not going to sue him he would have flown me to New York to join the cast of SNL. I guess that would have been kind of awkward though and I'm glad I just waived; I'm way too busy this week to go to New York anyway.

From Johnny Carson on his final show, May 22, 1992

"And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it."

Get Funky

I saw the Irish band the Chieftains last night; by the way they all have eyebrows that are fire hazards. They have been together for about 40 years playing all over the world. Their leader, a little guy called Paddy Maloney is a firecracker on stage. He towers at five feet and looks the part of an Irish leprechaun. The whole time I was watching them I was so envious. Their whole two hour set was so full of energy, everyone on stage was either tapping a toe or stomping their feet. Keeping beat yes but really getting into their art, felling what they are doing. Not only them but also the audience was stomping and hooting and clapping. Comedians miss out on that. I have never seen a comedian get so into a joke that they hoot after. Or tell a really good punch line and then bag pipers come out and you get goose bumps. But I had a choice I guess. I could have taken a different career path and picked up the Ullian Pipes instead but no, I had to tell jokes. One time at a club, I made a lady laugh so hard that she choked and almost died...I guess that's pretty close.

Hairy

I love old men. Do you know why? They don't care what they look like. Their eyebrows look like unruly hamsters!! If it weren't for my mom's "magic scissors" my dad would have eyebrows five feet in length. Irish people especially have shaggy eyebrows not to mention the feared ear hairs that sprout and poke people as they pass to near. Scottish people too but not so much the woman, that's more Ukrainian women with the shaggy facial hair. But I'm not here to judge, I'm here to mock. I'm glad I'm not a man; it's bad enough when you are a grandma and you start to grow a beard but to start a beard in high school, yuck.

An Open Letter to the Lady at Comedy Store

Dear Lady,
Why are you so mean? My job as a comedian is to bring laughter and joy into your life. Why do you use your loud voice to hinder my job? I'm sure you have lots of interesting things to say. You are probably well versed in literature and birds of the Amazon. It was really neat how you got your voice to project so loud that everyone else could barely hear me on the mic. I bet they really like you at your job where you are a "master at managing senior citizens." I like you too and would love to be your friend. But here's the thing; before we had time to swap emails you spilled your drink and left the show! I know, maybe you didn't notice, but the show had just started. I'm glad to report that after you left the show did in fact go on! No one else left until it was over. Get this; no one else yelled at the other comedians either (I know, isn't that weird?). Please come back to the Comedy Store again and again because you my friend truly make Stand up comedy not just a job but an adventure! Your friend,
Judy

Laptop burn

Seems they don't call them laptops anymore for a reason. They call them notebooks, or power Books because the name "laptop" seems to imply that you can place the computer on your lap. Your lap is like a mobile computer desk. Oh but wait, you shouldn't put them on your lap because it turns out you can be horribly burned!
I fell asleep last night in bed with my computer on my lap and woke up a half hour later to a, well, burning sensation. On further inspection my thighs looked like an Irish kids who had fell asleep in the bright Caribbean sun for 5 hours. Today the Irish burn was gone and a life lesson was learned.

I'm Sicker Than You

It's an out right phlegm war here at my house. I have some chest cold that won't go away and my dad always coughs because he smokes his pipe all day long. Even the yellow lab had five sneezes in a row and a coughing fit today. Everyone wants in on what I have. It's no fun being sick when you don't have a job to call in sick too. When I was among the daytime job dwellers that was the best part about being sick. You got to stay home and watch TV, eat food, drink 7up and look at the clock and know all the fun you were missing at work. But now being sick just means doing what I do every day but coughing so loud I can't hear Golden Girls.
The worst part about being a sick comic is the fact that my voice is scary sounding with my lovely cold. My voice is my instrument. You heard me people, my voice is like a tuba. A finely tuned tuba, with a leaky spit valve. Do tuba's have spit valves? Anyway, for now I can work in my voice to my act because above else I am a professional. A professional tuba player.