Bacon Has a Face...and a snout and a curly tail.

Greetings from my new bacon free life...oops, never mind apparently I ate some friends who made their way onto my meat lovers pizza.  I thought meat lovers meant, I love...oh, never mind.

Goose, Geese, Gack!

I am...the goose whisperer.

Corn, Cats and Dogs

My home for the last week has been on a family farm in Indiana and boy has it been fun and aromatic, I never really knew the punch hog manure had until I experienced it first hand.

Wow.


Now that I'm in the know, I was so outraged that there was still corn in the field that I attacked it with a judo chop.  Little did I know that corn is not a passive crop.  It sucker punched me immediately after this picture was taken...I hate corn.  It's unnatural for us to eat. It comes out the same way it goes in.  And for that reason, I am denouncing corn.

But I do enjoy the sight of 30 loitering cats hanging out by the dog food.  That just puts a smile on my face and makes my nose run.  Cats on a farm are good because they give the mice something to fear.  And mice need to be taught that they are not the boss of everything.  Look at what happened to Mickey when the power went to his head.  This is why I tolerate 30 cats on a farm.  And I don't mind if they eat corn.

Of course my favorite thing on the farm is the labs. Yellow, chocolate and black all living in harmony,  truly God's favorite animal.  But, I was told not to let God's favorite animals too close to the kittens as they tend to snack on them if given the opportunity, duly noted.

Eternal Make Up

One day you will die.  Sorry, you will.  Have you thought about it?  Have you thought about the fact that one day your friends and family will gather around your coffin one last time to say goodbye?  Have you thought about the fact that they might not recognize you when they see you lying in the coffin?  Is it because your soul is gone and now you really are not there anymore, but it's just your earthly shell?  Or is it because the person who did your makeup and gave you your eternal perm had no idea who you were or what you really looked like.  The person in the coffin doesn't mind but it's more of a trauma inflicted on those saying goodbye. 
Why do funeral homes insist on putting blue eye shadow on women and blush that must be called Rosacea on the package, not good.
I remember my grandma's funeral.  Not only was it terribly sad because I lost my best friend, but when I walked up to her casket I thought there had been some sort of mistake and they were trying to pass off Robin Williams dressed up like Mrs. Doubtfire as my grandma!
I understand that once we die and especially if our bodies go through a tramatic death, it shows and we won't look that "peaceful, like she's sleeping".  But really, I don't think some places even try.
I  think funeral home make up is a special calling and I don't think enough people are picking up the phone.  I know this is a weird topic, but sooner or later it will effect all of us...unless your cremated.  Then, never mind.

Florida

I was in Florida this weekend and met up with old friends and also met all sorts of new friends.
My favorite adopted grandma and her family met me on Saturday after my talk and took me out for local cuisine, "Applebees".  I love my grandma, and I'm pretty sure I'm her favorite "adopted white grandkid".
Later that night my friends, the Wright's took me to partake in one of my favorite hobbies, visiting Walmarts of our Country.  So fun and so good for the soul. 
I also met Abbey.  Abbey is a retired service dog.  She's done being a helper because her master who she helped was healed!  And not just from a broken leg or a bad back but from MS...Abbey is OK with being retired I'm sure, at 12 she was probably sick of folding laundry and doing the dishes.

Apparently I might have mentioned during my talk that I am fond of Irish Catholic doctors and my new Sister friend from Uganda mentioned she had a nephew I could marry.  Her best line during our conversation was, "he's black." 

Sunday I realized my power cord for my Macbook was sitting in my house in Vista.  Now the new MacBook Pro's battery is good and lasts a long time but not 16 day good...off to Best Buy.  My ride was non other than one of my new best friends from Escondido.  Only I would have to go to Florida to meet people from 15 minutes away from my house.  Lucy and her mom and aunt were at the conference and were so much fun.  Lucy also graduated from USD and currently lives in Medjugorje and works in Mothers Village where she cares for a 2 year old little girl. USD seems to keep pumping out saints.

Oh, I also had a stare down with a cow.  The cow won.

Des Moines, IA

It's been very exciting so far in Des Moines, Iowa.  I got to meet the Bishop AND a giant piece of corn.  Saturday night I performed for a group of young adults who gathered in the Diocese offices, which use to be a bank, but now are the offices which both confused and delighted me.  Anyway, that was very fun.  After that we drove about an hour to the St. Thomas More Center which is about 3 miles from the middle of nowhere.  On the way we were systematically stalked by suicidal deer who tried to throw themselves in front of the Suburban.  I have learned from my short time here in Iowa, that if you happen to hit a deer while driving it's best to just step on the gas and barrel through Bambi because if you were to break, it causes your vehicle to dip down and that allows the deer to break through your wind shield and impale you.  Then for the rest of your life you have to walk around with antlers sticking out of your head.  And at parties when you sit down people will mistakenly put their coats on your head because they think you are the coat rack and that's not fun, quite frankly it's embarrassing. Adult acne is hard enough.  Adult acne and deer antlers would frankly be too much.

I also saw a shop that was not open at the time but sparked my interest.  Apparently it's the place in town to go if you have a hankering for some rump roast and also have to get your bike fixed, simply brilliant.  One stop shopping at it's finest. 
We were also regaled of stories of what will happen if you die and no one finds your body for several days...and you have cats.  That cat that you took care of, petted, feed and cleaned up after, will in fact start to eat you.  True story.  I also learned that most of the chickens we eat don't have beaks.  Why?  I don't know, that was not explained to me.  All I know is that unless I see it and kill it myself, I ain't gonna eat it.  Gosh, I hope I hit a dear on the way to the airport because I have been afraid to eat since I got here.

Minnesota and Iowa

I have so much to tell you...so much.

First of all, in Iowa and Minnesota they eat a thing called taco in a bag.  It's brilliant.  Basically it's a taco but instead of a shell, everything you would find in a shell is instead in a bag of chips.  If the joint is fancy, Dorritos.  I think if Mexico ever hears about this many tortilla jobs will be lost and several pounds will be gained.

Also I learned that in Iowa if you take a certain class you have to carry around a fake baby with you to a youth rally.  Isn't that awesome?  At my high school, there were real babies, but now with technology, we can just use dolls, that's cool.

There was so much more to tell, like how Farmville let me communicate better with my Mid-Western kin, but I will save it for next week as I return to Iowa on Friday.

Go Corn!

Walk with a View

On my walk along the beach this morning I had company.  I kept pace with a pod of dolphin.  As I chugged along they swam and scared the crud out of surfers by popping up right beneath them then cutting the off on waves.  A few times they would actually surf in the waves and then jump out before the wave broke.  It was the coolest thing ever.  It was right up there with the time I was flying in first class while Golden Girls was on the direct tv...that's how cool it was.  My camera phone does not do the scene justice, but you get the idea.  I wonder if somewhere a dolphin is retelling the story of how he kept pace whilst a smoking hot chick clunked along the boardwalk; probably has a better camera phone than me.

Holy Birthday!

Today was a new record for a birthday party: 3 priests, a deacon, 2 sacristans a campus minister and a golden retriever.
Best party ever!  Once again the average age at the party was 73. I learned many things of value from my guests none of which I can share at this time.  Next year's guest list will include the Pope...maybe.

St. Norbert

I'm at St. Norbert College today looking for the illusive "white squirrel" and telling jokes to people who are angry that it's already FREEZING and it's not even Halloween yet.  It was hard to get here thanks to Joe Biden and his field trip to Minnesota which clogged up the airports for several hours, but now that I'm here, I'm leaving tomorrow at 5am.  No rest for the funny.

Maryland

Crab cakes, Groundhogs and glitter, oh my! 

I had a great time in Maryland this weekend and was blessed to be joined by some good friends. 

In other news just got back from a taping of the Jay Leno Show.  We just happened to go up to Burbank the day  it rained...it never rains in Southern California, until today.  The drive up wasn't bad but on the way back it seemed a "psycho with a gun" closed down Glenddale.  Instead of driving away at breakneck speeds of up to 3 miles per hour we pulled off, just where the streets were blocked off while looking for said phyco...once again we missed ALL the exitement, boo.  Getting ready to Wisconsin on Thursday and back home Saturday for my birthday on Sunday.  Please no gifts, just cash.
Just kidding, no I'm not, buy me a car.  Just kidding, no I'm not really for the love of God, somebody float me some 'G's, I'm totally not good for it, but I'm cute and that must be worth something!

Miles

My Nike+ ipod just told me I logged 1000 miles and my car is about to turn 150,000 miles.  I should stay home and just sit for awhile.
I'm pretty sure I can get a new car but I might slow down on the miles I put on my feet.  Perhaps I'll start mountain climbing with only my arms.  No, I would have to drive tothe mountains.  I could swim more but the dogs have threaten to drown me if I swim with them again.
I could do isometrics, isn't that when I flex, relax and repeat?
I might start my work out dvd's again but I get too easily emberresed when the dogs walk in.  They stare.  It's awkward.
Golf doesn't count unless I walk, but really, who does that?  I could surf but that involves driving and the chance of being eaten by a shark or a confused rabid seal.
There's always squash, but I don't have the right outfit.
Bowling is disgusting.
Perhaps just sitting still while watching Golden Girls.
Yes.

Swamp

Summer's Not Over Yet

Frank

I performed comedy at St. Francis on Saturday night for parishioners who had donated to the building campaign and I was a bit nervous.  I have been performing at St. Francis since the first time I lied about the whereabouts of my homework and since have done a few show performing stand up there too.  But this time was different.  Why? Because this time, OK, no it really wasn't that different but it was fun. 
Adults (mostly over 50 years in age), food, wine and comedy.  Really, you can't go wrong with that combination. 

I also know for a fact that 3 people there were legally deaf without their hearing aids, but they seemed to love it even more.  I'm trying to take that as a compliment. 

As always having my parents there is a little nerve racking.  Not because they don't know I do jokes about them but the opposite, they love the jokes I do about them and both gave me suggestions on what jokes I should do.  "Talk about how I put you into the fan, Jude."  People think I'm picking on them but they love it!  I think they secretly do things just to get in the routine. 

Performing on front of our new pastor was also scary, this was make it or break it time.  This could either help or hinder my future penance with him, but every time I looked his way he was bright red.  So either he was laughing a lot or choking on an egg roll, either way, he looked like he was having fun. We will see at the next 'confession-palooza'.


I head up the 5 tomorrow for a show, it's nice not having to get on an airplane.  It cuts down on travel time and jet fuel. 

What I Do When Ellen is On (and Being DVR'd)

There was thing on Ellen's website about sending in a video about what you do when watching her show...I dvr it so I can play catch with my dogs in the pool.  I suppose I could make another video about what I do whilst watching the dvr'd show but really, who has time for that...I think I did the assignment wrong.

God Bless You

What NBC says:

When NBC News Chief White House Correspondent Chuck Todd sneezed during a White House briefing, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius' first natural reaction was a polite, "Bless you." Her second was an exasperated demonstration of sneezing into the crook of your arm, eliciting chuckles from the crowd and Todd himself.

What I say:

Kathleen Sabelius then denied him a hall pass to go to the restroom and told him to "spit his gum out and sit up straight."

Pat, I'd Like to Solve the Puzzle but Probably Can't.

One of my mom's favorite shows other than the Golden Girls and Neil Diamond specials has to be Wheel of Fortune. Pat Sajak and Vanna White can be found in our living room most week day nights at 7pm.  Usually when I'm watching the show with her she will turn to me at least once during the show and say, "you should really go on this show." I get this a lot.  No, I'm serious, I get it a lot.  My friends and family who watch TV  always say I should go on different shows and I totally agree with them.  If only it was that simple.  If only my mom and dad's word could vouch for me with producers.  But in reality that's not quite how things work (I think, I mean it's been awhile since I worked on a show, I could be wrong).
So when my mom left me a note saying "September 19-20 San Diego Wheel Auditions", I knew I was in trouble.

The Wheelmobile is coming to San Diego...get out of the way!  

This weekend me and ma will drive out to the Wheelmobile.  What is the Wheelmobile you might ask?  Here is what the official Wheel of Fortune web site says:

What is the Wheelmobile? It's 39 feet long, 13 feet high and bright yellow. It rolls through cities, down highways and into America's heartland. Wherever it stops, huge crowds are waiting. It's giving fans all over the country the chance to try out for America's favorite game show. The Wheelmobile serves as the preliminary screening process before the final Wheel of Fortune contestant audition.

  Oh happy day, this is it, Jude on the Wheel.  But hold on flap jack, I doubt I will even set foot into the Wheelmobile.  Don't get me wrong I would love too but I'm sure it won't happen.  Here are some reasons why.

People discriminate. 
At first it was against the Irish.  Now it's against comedians.  When people hear that you are a comedian they think you are nothing but a chuckle head.  Please don't think I have a complex since I've mentioned this before. But any comedian will tell you people treat us different and it's not always a good thing.  Sometimes I just want to play the wheel not tell you a joke. So, don't think I'm trying out to boost my comedy career.  I'm trying out because I love my mom and want to sublimate my comedy career with some wheel cash whilst also winning a fabulous trip to sunny Acapulco.

Brain Freeze
I have never actually had stage fright.  Believe it or not, I could care less.  But I have had occasions in my living room where I have not been able to think. Have you had this experience?  Knowing an answer to something and not being able to get the answer from your brain to your mouth and out?  Some people have referred to this as a brain freeze, or even a brain fart, how ever you say it, from time to time it happens to me, while playing the wheel from the comfort of my own lazyboy.

Happy Crowds Make me Angry
Do I really have to explain this one?  Or maybe I do so I don't seem like a socially inept person. While I'm on stage I love a crowd that makes a lot of noise and is interactive with me. Responsive to what I have to say, they want me to like them. This is just one of the things that the producers of game shows looks for.  People who can actually play the game and look like they are having a good time as they do it.  The problem is when you gather hundreds of people together in a room all vying for attention of a few key people,it can get loud and annoying.  Truly genuinely happy people are awesome.  But people who yell, jump and wear outfits and are fake happy near my personal space are not ok and make Jesus cry...that is why it rains.  I'm sure as the producers look out and see a sea of jumping, screaming smiling people, one scowling Sandra Bullock looking annoyed woman will certainly stick out and promptly be crossed off their list.

Spell Check
The final nail in the Wheel of Fortune coffin might be inability to spell.  The fact that spell check could not even recognize my first several attempts to spell 'inability' might be a clue.  I am a victim of technology. I might never be able to spell the words 'different', 'weird', 'occasional' or 'embarrassing' unassisted.  Wow, the words I misspell sure have nothing to do with me...weird.
This might be a hinderence while auditioning for a show that to do with spelling.  Also, consonants and vowels, confuse the heck out of me...so, "A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y", are we not sure about Y yet?  This isn't shtick, I really have no idea.

Wardrobe
Maybe this is a problem in itself, how do I impress the producers of What Not to Wear? I'm not opposed to new clothes as much as I am opposed to spending my money.  If someone else would shell out the clams for me to sport a new look that would be perfectly acceptable. If I could just get on that show before auditioning for the Wheel of Fortune in a casino with hundreds of my closest really happy friends in polyester, it might help my chances if not just really boost my self esteem.  


Hopefully my next television appearance will be telling jokes on purpose and not being the joke because I couldn't solve a phrase like: D_N'_   J_D_ _.  Don't Judge, but, that would be horrible.

Baller Remembered

My People, My Haggis

Watching, almost makes me want to go back...