Thursday, April 24, 2008

Big Leagues

Mikey went 2 for 3 tonight and he made a couple of really good plays. He looks like Khalil Greene with his blonde hair sticking out of his hat...but he is a way better fielder and even a few inches taller than the Padre. And I am not saying that just because he is my biggest fan and gets in trouble at school and CCD for constantly quoting my routine at the wrong time (Mikey not Khalil). Not only will I be his confirmation sponsor but I call dibs to be his manager...or bail him out of prison, what ever comes first.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Dead Dogs

This is a photograph I took of my dogs just 3 days ago:
And this is a photograph of my dogs just minutes ago:

I think the golden retriever might be dead. I'm not sure though. The yellow lab at least lifts his head, but it could just be rigor mortis setting in. Just kidding. That's not true, they are not dead, they just smell like death. They swim all day and then when we are not home they bust in through the doggy door and bring the wet dog smell in the house. I very badly want to give them a "summer cut" which would involve me giving them a crew cut, but what with the court order that prevents me from coming within 15 feet of sharp objects, that idea is out.

Monday, April 21, 2008


According to the Associated "The former 'Baywatch' star was taken to the University of California, Los Angeles Medical Center on Saturday, April 19, 2008 to have something removed above his eye, his publicist Judy Katz said Monday."

Vas is das David? I too struggle with the lumpy bumpy eye disease and strangely enough, also enjoy hugging puppies (not pictured with me) close to my face.

Wait a tick.
Perhaps David and I both have lumps above our eyes because...we are both HUGELY popular in Germany! Of course, it's all so clear. I am going in for a third time next week to have my Hasselhoff removed...perhaps he can pull back the skin from my eye so once again I will look young and tight skinned like David, except different. More hoff less hassle.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

My Fact of the Day:

While delicious and high in protein, it's not OK to lick a California Sea Lion.

Monday, April 14, 2008

A Man Named Patch

Dear Future husband,
Sooner or later you will have to meet him so why not now? This is my dad. Patrick Thomas McDonald. When we get married he will wear his kilt. It's a kilt, not a skirt, so don't think you are funny by calling it a skirt, he won't laugh and he might even punch you. Or worse, than a physical punch he will give you a mental punch. That's when he just kind of looks at you and sucks his teeth and then just turns around and walks away.
And you will look at me and think, "at least there is a big dowry!". But you will be mistaken, because I work out and my dowry is lean.
So getting back to my dad's skirt. It was my late Uncle Bill's kilt that he had made with material purchased in Scotland. See, we were Irish until my dad and his two older brothers went on a golf holiday in Scotland, When he came back he claimed Scottish heritage. Except on St. Patrick's Day when we claim our German side.
Anyway, when you met my dad you don't have to talk yourself up...he will have already done numerous Google searches on you. So, hard luck if there is a serial murderer or a Democratic Senator with your name. Hence forth when he thinks of you he will automatically think of said serial killer or Democrat (same thing in his eyes). So john Wayne Gacy the Third, I'm sorry but it was over before it began.
If you golf, it's a plus.
If you are independently wealthy and golf it's a plus plus.
(Basically if you are independently wealthy and can't golf at all, he will teach you and even give you a few stokes. The independently wealthy parts gives you plenty of wiggle room).
Lets see, you pretty much have to be Catholic, the more saints you can name off the top of your head the better. Also if you can attach files to emails, and help him with his computer, your golden.
There are about 236 other unspoken rules of engagement, it's up to you to figure them out and follow them. Failure to do so may result in a mental punch in the throat and no one wants one!
So hurry up with Irish Catholic medical school and then call me, you just have to meet my dad!


Friday, April 11, 2008

Do Not Adjust Your Monitor

Those pasty white boys are my nephews (the other one is Chewie)!
And yes, you can tan off of them. It hit the 80's today in the backyard, so that meant we had to get into the pool. OK, I didn't because it's still freezing and what with my zero percent plus 7 extra Europe pounds, I would surely die upon hitting the water.
I'll give it a few more days to warm up...or I will just eat a few more Snickers bars to but me into the "safe to swim" zone.
The dogs have been going in all year because they wear essentially wool sweaters 80 degrees or not.

Monday, April 07, 2008

The Last Week of Green

I'm home now and me and the sun have become reacquainted. I feel rather guilty going outside without a "jumper" on and going to bed without clutching a hot water bottle, but then I sit down for a moment and the guilt passes.

The last week in Ireland was quite eventful. I did three shows and all three were in front if Irish kids who were getting out of class to see me, so you would think it was a win win. (Oh, Michael Scott the great conflict resolution , win win, new episode of the Office this Thursday...sorry European friends, you will have to wait till I come back and you can watch them on my laptop).

I even got to meet Enya's dad, Leo. Leo owns a pub (duh) and plays the accordion to entertain Lil Irish 'Grans' and 'Pop-Pops' who are on holiday during the day and at night the pub rocks out to the likes of U2 and other less famous Irish rockers. My lovely Horse has been known to be belted out there from time to time (really why do I even pretend I write this for anyone else but Pat Mustard?).

Then it was up to, or was it down to, Stranorlar to stay at the Foy's house and enjoy things like the Internet, catching (but not touching just in case the US department of Agriculture is wondering) lambs, shopping at Tesco and of course cable television. Even though it was Irish cable I stared at it after a month of no TV like a caveman seeing fire for the first time, it twas lovely.

So now I am back and off to Hermosa Beach tomorrow for a showcase at the Comedy and Magic Club. I hear Leno auditioned 49 times before his first appearance on the Tonight Show, hopefully I will only have to do it 45 or 46 times. Either way it beats wearing long underwear to bed.