Tuesday, January 31, 2006


My friend Courtney once counted to infinity, twice.

Oh ya, has anybody seen Mo's keys? She kind of needs them.
Tony Tony come around
something is lost and can't be found
as a matter of fact it's Mo's keys
so come on Tony, what gives!

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Shut Yo Mouth

If you need me I'll be in Louisiana eating shrimp "sam-whiches" and getting in touch with my roots.
I'm not from there or anything I just like pretending. Really my roots are from the Mid-West, but that's not as exciting as saying my roots are in the South. Just like many people say they are Irish when most likely they are Scottish. People think it's just more glamorous to say they are Irish. Have they never heard of "Irish need not apply"? The same was true for the early Mid-Westerners who ventured out to California.

"Those speaking NorDak not welcome."

No one knows the plight of the Mid-Westener, good thing I'm from the South, don't cha know Ya'll.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

"Time Has Little to Do With Infinity and Jelly Donuts"

Our back yard is still sick but no longer looks like it is dying. All the rubble that was in the back yard is now in the front yard. It is really bringing up our neighborhoods property value! Today was a day of rest for the dudes working in the backyard, who knew Wednesdays were a special sabath day for back yard tile worker people.
The dogs certainly did enjoy being able to go in their yard again even though they broke their doggy door and have to be put out manually like in the olden days. Replacement door will arrive in 2-3 weeks.

On a happier note, I am watching Magnum P.I. episodes that I recorded today. Did you know they are making 'Magnum P.I.' for the big screen?
How excited am I?
I wonder if the original 'lads' are still alive? I hope they have enough money to get John Hillerman to reprise his role as Higgins. You can't have anyone else but Tom Selleck play Thomas Magnum and John Hillerman to play Higgie Baby. I wonder how they will write in those shorts Magnum use to wear into the script. For the love of God they must not change the length of his shorts!

What Have I Done?

Today, for the third day in the row, I, oh I can't say it, it's so dirty...I ran three miles.
I can't stop.
Usually I hit the wall pretty quick (I actually do hit brick walls from time to time, but that is for another day) but lately I've been running faster and further. I am one sick puppy. Who would have thought that someone so morally opposed to running would now look forward to it? It's just sick and wrong.
I need help.
I need to eat more M&M's and popcorn.
Maybe somebody will plan an intervention or maybe there is a support group I can join.
For shame!
I've even been cutting back on Dr. Pepper. I won't blame you if you don't want to be my friend anymore. It's horrible, I'm even back to the weight that my license says and that has never happened. So what gives? I have been eating the same stuff, coffee and M&M's for breakast, you know, Atkins. The only new thing is this running.
Running...I feel so dirty.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Beans, Beans...

Have you ever tried to buy beans at the store? What kinds of beans Judy?
Ah ha! There is the question, what kind of beans.
I use to think it was ridiculous that there was an entire aisle at the store just for cereal but now the beans are gaining ground. Of course beans are not frosted and don't have any fun games on the back of the can but they are still very popular. What was God thinking with all these beans? How bout more variety of bananas? He must have known what He was doing though with the beans, hence the song,
"beans, beans the magical fruit
the more you eat the more you toot,
the more you toot the better you feel
so eat some beans with every meal."

Saturday, January 21, 2006


One of my favorite bands of all time is The Chieftains. I ran into the flute player of the group, Matt Molloy. If you are ever in Westport, Ireland check out his pub, ironically called, Matt Molloy's.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Blow Your Mind - Smoke Dynamite

I went to noon mass at the Mission San Luis Rey today, the problem is they got rid of the noon mass. So, with some time to kill I took a stroll around the "condos" looking for my friend Joanie Maloney. The "condos"proper name is Columbarium Niches, they are like a cemetery plot but for ashes. My mom wants a condo when she dies, my dad says a Folgers coffee can will do just fine, it won't make any difference to him.

I walked around the cemetery for almost an hour and I just couldn't find Joanie. I did see three people's condos that I do know and two more already to go when they are ready to "move in". After reading all the names and epitaphs on the "condo's" I wondered what I would like on mine.

"I told you I was sick!"

"She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her."

"Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was."

If I die with enough money I want a fancy one that will play a recording of my voice when you look at it. "BOO!" or "Hey look behind you!"

After spending an hour walking around a cemetery I came to the realization that problems that seemed really big when I walked in didn't really matter that much to me when I walked out.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


When I got back from Jersey I walked in the living room and found that our 20+ year TV was gone and the next day was replaced with a 27 inch HD ready flat screen, BOOOOYA!
Today UPS brought the HDTV-DVR (if you know what that means, you can hang with me) and I set it up and discovered just what I have been missing all these years!

Holy Moly, you have not lived since you have watched the Golden Girls in High Definition television. The wrinkles are deeper, the cheesecake is richer...turns out Sophia is the old one, who knew? Days of Our Lives is also in HD, it's twice as trashy in HD.

If you call in the next three months and I don't answer it's because I am pausing Lost (in HD) and finding clues to share with my online Lost community friends...DON'T JUDGE!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

My Back Yard Is Sick

I am so glad I am leaving town for awhile because if I was here, all this would somehow be my fault.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Don't Mess With Me: I Have "Friends" in New Jersey

From my hotel room in Jersey I could see the Manhattan skyline. The people in Manhattan think they are really cool, but their view is New Jersey, so there. Aint no party like an East Coast party with Nuns and Brothers! I had a great time performing for crazy college students and hope to go back east again soon to perform my shtick at some Universities. I had a great time Saturday night when I took the PATH into the city. The PATH is a tunnel of death. It's a train that goes under the Hudson river and right into ground zero. I still can't believe I went on a train that goes underwater on purpose. I can see how I could have gotten on by accident thinking it was a line for free cupcakes, but oh man all I could picture was one little leak in the giant tube of despair and it gives a whole new meaning to "sleeping with the fishes". Once there we took a cab to a cool place where supposedly Mike Myers hangs out but he wasn't there, I think he might of been sleeping as it was rather late and he is a Canadian and you know how those Canucks go to bed early. On the way back to Jersey it started to snow and once again I said a prayer of thanksgiving to God for giving my dad the brains to leave the snowy Tundra and raise his children in the sun of California.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Pit of Your Stomach Sick

I have the lingering sense of doom because I am flying to New Jersey in the morning. The horrible sense is not because I think the plane is going to fall from the sky but because I have not packed yet. I hate packing. Hate it. Hate packing more than chewing on tin foil.
I pack too much and get to where I am going and end up with nothing I need. I hate packing.
To the people of New Jersey, please don't judge if I do comedy in a wetsuit and high heels, it's the only thing I had in my suitcase.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Happy Birthday

My sister is 41 today...holy crap!
She is 41 yet has a flatter stomach than me and can run without wheezing and hurling. Hat's off to you Chris, you studly momma!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Be Funny

Psalm 130 - the person who wrote it was a comic, I guarantee it.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Oh, not cool!

I went to the scary Savon Drugs by my house to buy some sinus headache drugs tonight. Because the Savon is scary after dark and most times during the day I took my faithful dog Mac. Mac loves riding in the car and he loves me so I figured he could protect me if any nerdowells tried to kidnap me or sell me into the comedy slave market. I went in the store and was out pretty quick. Usually when I get back to the car Mac is in the driver's seat but not this time, he was sitting in the back where I had left him. We drove home and instead of jumping up into the front seat and out my door he stayed in the back just like Miss Daisy.
Once inside we found out what was wrong with Mac, he was a bit car sick. Everything he had ever eaten came up right under the Christmas Tree. The good news is that it's Epiphany tomorrow and it's time to take the tree down! Maybe this was just Mac's gift to the family on "Little Christmas" or maybe all those lizards he has been eating finally caught up with him.

Truly Blessed

I have had a headache for 2 days. I use to think I had a horrible disease and was gonna die but now I just think it is the weather. Don't get me wrong, I love that it is January and it's 85 degrees outside but my head does not like it. I am so blessed that this is the most pressing issue in my life!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Munchen: Dieser Film war stumm

My dad and I went to the movies tonight because my mom was having a rosary at our house. My dad has nothing against the rosary he just feels it shouldn't take as long as these people take to pray it.
So instead we went to see Munich. Now this is big news because the last movie I saw with my dad in the theatre it was the Natural...that was 20 years ago. We should have waited for a different movie and made sure Robert Redford was in it. Not only was Munich 8 hours long but I never saw so many people get shot in the head. Yes it was a true story but how do people really know that when you get shot in the head it sounds like a watermelon being splattered against the wall.
Getting hit in the head by "Wonderboy" sounds more like a grapefruit.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

He's Watching YOU!

Does this make you feel better, or scared to go to sleep at night?

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Made For TV Movie

Now, I'm all for quality television movies, but I've yet to see a quality television movie.
Lifetime television for women has some doosies on like:
Mom at Sixteen
Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?
A Mother's Fight for Justice
A Mother's Justice
A Mother's Prayer
A Mother's Revenge
A Mother's Right: The Elizabeth Morgan Story
A Mother's Testimony
Moment of Truth: A Mother's Deception
My Mother the Spy
Mother Trucker: The Diana Kilmury Story

And those are just the movies about mom's!

Monday, January 02, 2006

Dear New Years Resolution People,

I am very glad that you want to lose the weight in 2006! Way to go I am so proud of you. But you and all your excited friends with your new shoes and fancy gym clothes are taking up all the treadmills at the time when I usually watch the Golden Girls and this causes a problem for me.

You see, I don't go to the gym to "better myself" or to "feel like a winner". I go to the gym because I am bored out of my skull during the day and if I stayed home to watch the Golden Girls my mom would bug me to do something with her like crochet a hat for the cat...We don't even have a cat!

I am at the gym to kill time between going to mass, performing stand up and sleeping. I don't have time in my busy schedule to wait for the treadmill. To make matters worse the scale in the women's locker room is broken and I can't see how much weight I gained (on purpose) over Christmas. Because as we all know we are loved by God, so wouldn't it make sense to make more of me to be loved by Him?
OK, no, that's just my excuse for using egg nog on my cereal in the morning. It does have less fat than half and half and it adds a tangy bite to my Lucky Charms.

So in closing, please stay away from the treadmills during 9:00 a.m. and 10:00 a.m. as this is when I having a standing date with my friends, Blanche, Rose, Dorothy and Sophia.

Besides, don't you people ever work?

Yours truly,


Sunday, January 01, 2006

Got My Mind On My Money...

You have not lived until you have played Sponge Bob Square Pants Monopoly! First of all lets start off by saying that this game was too much like true life because ten minutes into the game Auntie Judy was down to just 38 dollars. At one point I was in jail for 8 turns and finally my 5 year old nephew felt so bad for me that he gave me $1000.
I wish that kid had a real bank roll, that would solve a lot of my problems.
It was fun to watch Mikey turn into a little Donald Trump, he even has the hair to be a young Donald. In the end the 5 year old won, I was forced to sell off all my property but don't be sad for me, Mikey has offered me a job to be his assistant.