Friday, December 31, 2004

2004: Year in Review

The year is almost to a close, let's review the year for Jewd, shall we?

January: Had scary lump removed and thought for sure I had a horrible disease, but everything was fine.

Took 50 junior high kids on my last ever ski trip as a full time youth minister. No one died or was seriously injured, lost a few kids, brought different ones home.

February: Another Valentines Day came and that meant me turning down hundreds of offers from rich Catholic Irish Doctors to run away with them and get married.

March: Discovered my fear of midgets and dentists.

April: Nothing happened in April.

May: Hospitalized after new dentist is a midget.

June: Surfed all month and did comedy.

July: Performed comedy in front of 3,500 Catholic Teens and made four short films.

August: Had another scary lump removed and thought for sure I had a horrible disease again, but everything was fine.

September: Moved into my new spacious adobe style house in beautiful Vista California.
Ordered my 9 foot 6 inch Skip Frye board.

October: Performed so much stand up comedy that I developed carpal tunnel syndrome in my microphone hand. Started dating the midget dentist after intense shock therapy sessions.

November: Performed on the Dennis Miller Show and decided TV is fun.
Helped an old friend get re-elected.

December: Decided to be a better golfer and to join the Woman's Senior Golf Tour as soon as they form it and make millions of dollars kicking Annika Sorenstam butt!.

Came to terms with high golf handicap and settled on stand up comedy; I am so much funnier than Annika Sorenstam!

Thursday, December 30, 2004

911 what is your emergency?

Driving home from the Comedy Store tonight I drove very slow and careful because that's what my parent told me to do before I left. The rain let up when I exited the 5 freeway going north and started heading east on the 78. I was driving nice and slow in the far right lane and a jetta was to my right. Up ahead I saw some flashing high way patrol lights and a ton of brake lights, obviously an accident from a stupid California driver getting scared because of the rain. As I got closer I saw that the two CHP's were directing cars off the freeway so I stayed in my lane and began to let cars merge to exit. Then I heard a tremendous crash and looked over and saw that jetta spinning in the middle lane, airbags deployed and an SUV skidding across the freeway. Holy crap! I called 911 and hung up, was this really an emergency? Yes, the air bags exploded and I saw the one dumb man getting out of his car in the middle of the freeway, hello! So I called 911 again and told the man that I had just witnessed an accident on highway 78 west just before the college exit. I told him that two officers were directing traffic off the freeway less than a block from the accident and they didn't even see what had happened. Though in thinking about it now, they were probably responsible for the whole damn thing. If they had made cars merge and exit so quickly I would have been spared the emotional damage. They took my name and phone number and I hung up and realized how scary that was because it was the car right next to me, blah blah blah. But then I realized that I had told the 911 operator 78 west when it was really 78 east. All I could picture in my mind was police cars and fire engine looking all over the 78 west for an suv and a jetta, when it was on the other side of the freeway. Oh crap, surely that is some kind of offense or misdemeanor, I'm not cut out for prison. I won't go back, I won't!
Well, hopefully everyone is fine and once again taking my parents advice did in fact safe my life tonight.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Soap is Good Food

Tsunami Death Toll Soars Past 58,000 and yet on the local news in San Diego their top story is a local power outage due to the wind and rain. Bravo local television, bravo.

In a happier story my nephew Mikey has a potty mouth. Last night he called his dad a dumb a#& and this morning he called his brother what the kids in Meet the Fockers says over and over again. He then told him to go to H, E double hockey sticks. Needles to say he is no longer allowed to play the Simpson's Hit and Run video game. At least no one is blaming auntie Jewd this time.

Get Rhythm

I always wanted to be a great dancer. How great to be on Broadway, dancing in a musical. In a chorus line kicking and hooting. With a love interest waltzing me across the stage our hearts pounding against each other. Alas there is no room for a five foot five Broadway dancer. I thought of wearing extremely high heels and passing as a taller person, but I just fell down a lot. I had a lot of time to think about dancing while recuperating in the hospital for my broken ankle. I suppose some dance lessons along the way would have helped too.

I didn't get piano lessons either. I think I'm the only kid in the world who complained about not being able to take piano lessons. I was forced to play sports and really where has that gotten me? A contract to play professional t-ball, no. I own a banjo, two guitars and an Irish drum. I can play dueling banjos and keep rhythm with a jig but alas no calls to Nashville or even Fallbrook.

Thank God my parents had me ten years after my older sister. I was left alone from much sibling contact and allowed to watch hour upon hour of mind numbing television. My little sponge of a brain was not bogged down with useless information like musical scales or math skills. I learned useful things like Bing Crosby's real name is Harry Lillis Crosby and you can't roller skate in a buffalo heard. I turned out ok, so far. Something could certainly still go very wrong.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Ralph came for Christmas!

Oh the joys of Christmas; the food, the tree, the presents, the lights and the projectile vomiting. My sister then my brother in law went down with the Christmas flu tonight. At least we lasted through all day until Ralph showed up and ruined Christmas for everyone. Of course now everyone feels sick to their stomach and wonders why they ate so many pork chops at dinner.
I'm so excited to get back to the Comedy Store tomorrow night. I am ready to get out on the road and be funny. It's either that or go back to selling knock off watches in the subway again.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Attack of the bathroom carpet

For the last three days my family has been at a beach condo in Oceanside. It was really fun and no one even cried and stomped out of the room, that's really good for my family. Last night we went to a Christmas Penance service and now I am all sparkly and clean and in a state of grace.
This morning when I was the first one back to our house I decided to keep up my squeaky clean soul and pick up the house before everyone else got back. I picked up the two presents that the yellow lab had torn apart and vacuumed the remainder of the red, green and white candles he had eaten (that will be a pretty color when it comes out). I then headed into start some laundry when I saw the bathroom carpet.
On Sunday this poor carpet was subjected to a toilet over flow but now was all clean and ready to be put back. It's one of those carpets that were meticulously cut to fit around the bathtub and toilet. I got down on my hands and knees and starts fitting the carpet around the edges moving magazines scales and a basket of toilet paper as I worked. Everything was in its place except for in the corner where my mom has a plant stand with no plant but a giant tole painted carousel horse. I even had a flash before I lifted the plant stand up with one hand and shoved the carpet under it with the other hand, I thought, "wow I should put my hand up and make sure that stupid horse doesn't fall and hit me in the..." BOINK!
Before I could even finish my thought that horse fell from its 4-foot high perch and right on top of my head. It hit so hard I fell backwards and hit the toilet. I tried to get up and feel right back down on my butt. I tried to get up again and fell once more. I put my hand to the now pulsating point on my head to check for blood but it came up clear. I took my cell phone out of my pocket to call my mom or 911 or the 911 nanny but saw that I had no signal. The only thing I could think of was, "this is it. This is how I'm going to die, in the bathroom, slumped over the toilet, just like Elvis but without the pills and cheesburger."
I sat in the bathroom floor for another 5 minutes and waited to die but after a while my butt fell asleep so I got up. All I got from the whole experience was a very bad headache, dilated pupils and a new found respect for horses.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Eve talks to God

I write my own material but this was a good email that my dad sent me and I had to share it.
5 more days untill someone ruins Christmas for everyone...don't let it be you!

"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with arched eyebrows,"but what's the catch, Lord?"
" can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, Lord? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little know, woman to woman."

Friday, December 17, 2004


Ralph is not the name of my new boyfriend. Ralph is the noise that my nephew Mikey made tonight as he was showering the carpet with his dinner. So Auntie Jewd is going to watch him tomorrow. I am a caring loving person but so help me if he hurls anywhere near me it's over!
This is short because I have to go and gather plastic sheets to cover the furniture before the small vomit comet comes over.
On a lighter note I officially have the week of from comedy. No one is the boss of me, except my mom and she said I could take the week off. So if you want to see me do stand up this week feel free to go to my web site ( or you can look in my windows. I would prefer if you just went to the web site because it's a pain to file for restraining orders.

Peace in the Mid-West!

Thursday, December 16, 2004


Two days until the whole McDonald clan is together under one roof. I'm usually never short of Blog topics but I have a feeling after this Christmas I will have enough new material to write a novel. My goal is to be the one not to ruin Christmas for everyone this year. Also to make sure that the only Golden Retriever in the world who hates people (that would be my dog Mac) doesn't horribly maul a niece or a nephew.
We shall see.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

On the Road Again

Did you know I am typing this while swishing Listerine in my mouth? Well isn't that just the coolest thing you ever heard? I apologize, it's late and I think I swallowed a bit too much Listerine.

I just got back from helping my comic friend Julia move to LA and what a fun time it was!
I really mean it I had fun. I also like doing manual labor outside so my judgment is a bit off.
The exciting part was mostly on the freeway when we were driving a borrowed stick shift truck. I have a fear of cars that are not manual; I find them unnecessary and a bit of a show-off. Whenever I drive a stick shift automobile I they tend to have epileptic seizures and stall. I then get all hot and bothered and usually end up crying. That use to be the same thing that happened to me at salad bars but someone explained what the sneeze guard was and I'm all better now.

With only four more days in our "lose the weight" competition between my sister and I things are getting intense. I keep offering her cookies and brownies but she's just not biting. So I secretly replaced her protein powder that she uses in her morning fruit smoothies with Weight Gaining Supplements. I hope she doesn't get "roid rage" and go on a killing spree and ruin Christmas for everyone. That would be the second worse Christmas ever.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

They should hire Steven King to do their PR

My dad's surgery went fine today but was a bit off schedule so that meant an all day wait at the hospital. It's great to get actual good news for once in the McDonald family instead of the dreaded cancer word we are so use to. But I guess it's our month to shine! In most families when you are having a good month people are getting raises at work or buying new houses. In our family when no one has a life threatening disease or is not having their head fall off we are happy.
We were at the stylish Fallbrook hospital, which in its day was lovely but now is kind of scary. My dad goes there because his urologist friend is a surgeon there. Did I mention thus urologist owns a winery? Does that seem somehow very wrong to anyone else?
I say the hospital was scary because while in the waiting room one lady was mad because her husband was suppose to have a simple one hour procedure and it had been four hours since anyone had told her anything. And another lady was extremely upset because while she stepped out for coffee they wheeled her husband to surgery without telling her and she now had no idea where he was. So all and all my dad telling us the same story over and over again was very humorous to the other scary stories from the Hospital.

My dad is rather fun on a morphine drip, kind of like how you knew Bing Crosby was in real life. I should have asked dad to sing White Christmas for me. Instead I just had him sign some papers that say I get to pick the nursing home when it's time. Not really but I am the favorite daughter for now because I took care of the old man when he needed it.
Did I mention he got me Big Bertha Irons for Christmas? What a guy, I'm glad he's ok.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Fleeting Fun

I am the best daughter in the world. As a good daughter I frequently call home when I am at the store to see if my mom or dad need anything. My dad is going into the hospital for some surgery on Monday and needed some Rx that would rid his body of, well, everything.
Fleet brand, you either know what it is or you don't, I'm not here to educate, go ahead google it and see what pops up.
Now I love my dad, but that's just a bit much to ask, it's embarrassing to buy that stuff! But of course I do it because I don't want to break any non-fun commandments. My mom said over the phone, "if anyone looks at you funny just say your buying it for your dad." That's such a good mom answer.
They should make one row in the supermarket with nothing but the embarrassing items. I won't list them here because we all know what they are. It would be an aisle where it was understood you would not make unnecessary eye contact or cast judgment on anyone because your all down that aisle for a reason.

This would happen in my perfect world. That's the world where exercise makes you fat .

The world where every time the dumb girls in Survivor roll their eyes they get an electric shock.

The world where My rich Irish Catholic doctor husband loves to cook.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Greek Tragedy

I got back from performing two different shows tonight and wanted to change to go to bed. As I was taking off my jeans I noticed something. Usually I unbutton and unzip to take off pants, I don't know about you maybe your technique is different.

So I unbuttoned and then went to unzip and found I was already unzipped.

Now to you at home reading this on your computer you say big deal.
But to me who was just in front of a few hundred people I say, BIG DEAL!

I hope I had already unzipped before I unbuttoned and wasn't showing my delicates to everyone at the show.

I really think if that were the case I would have been paid more and given two pieces of baklava instead of one.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Greek Comedy

After the comedy store tonight I am going to do a set at the Greek Palace
Come, eat, laugh, eat!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Pasty White Jewd

Remember when I wasn't pasty white? I do, I use to be tan. I use to look like a Hawaiian island girl...except different.
The Pope is tan; he must sit outside while he prays.
My dad is tan because he golf's a lot. But pop never was a big fan of sunscreen and I'm not willing to go down that road.
You'd think with some of that German blood I have flowing though me I would be brown, weren't all of Hitler's youth blue eyed blond tan people? I don't know I didn't pay attention in history class, or any other class for that matter. PE was fun though. If I had had only PE classes I would have really been tan, problem solved.

The real problem here is that the sun has been absent for the past two weeks. It's been cloudy and raining and that's just unacceptable. I haven't surfed since the week I was on Dennis Miller Show and needed to go in the water to settle down. But in the last month there has been so many storms the water has either being poopie (literally because of bacteria) too big or too small. Yesterday the dorky weatherman on the news said 13-foot swells. I don't do that anymore.

Seven years ago I broke two vertebrae in my back surfing in 8-foot surf. For those of you who have never surfed and can't imagine what that is like let me paint you a picture.
Imagine being in a tranquil bathtub.
Your floating along you have your rubber ducky by your side, everything is going great.
And bam!
Out of nowhere an eight-foot solid wall of water comes screaming towards you.
You panic and very quickly pick up the red phone that goes directly to Jesus.
By the time Jesus answers the giant wall of water has held you under water for a minute and just as you pop up another wall holds you down causing you to accidentally hang up on Jesus.

That scenario is exactly why I don't take baths anymore.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


When I awoke to the fake KUSI news this morning all they were talking about was the arrival of President George W Bush to San Diego.

Great, I thought to myself, I haven't talked to GW since 1996 surely my buddy will give me a call. So I fixed myself some coffee and brought the phone into the living room so I could watch the news while I waited.

After about an hour I came to the realization that he wasn't going to call...he probably would just stop by! Our house is right under the flight path from Miramar to Camp Pendleton, duh.

So I walked outside and I kid you not the two helicopters flew right over my house. If that wasn't amazing enough I could have sworn I saw him salute me and yell, "yiiiiihaaaaaaaa, hey girl you think I'd come to town and not say hello!"

He did fly over and I did have coffee, don't judge, I'm very lonely.


What did the Apple say to the banana?
Bathroom words.

What do you want, the kid is four.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Everybody was Kung Foo Fighting

Today I drove up to Irvine to watch my two favorite nephews in their first ever karate tournament. Wow...karate; let's hear it for martial arts in a giant auditorium. The Mr. Miagi comments were swirling around in my head so fast I had to sit down. My little 4-year-old nephew had been up since 5am so by the time came for his form competition came around he was a very angry dragon. There were so many white and yellow belt midgets in his category that they had to split up the group and by the time that happened we were 20 minutes into it. When the judge finally did call his name Mikey runs over to him slapping his own head and making faces (where did he learn that? Not his auntie welfare that's for sure) He does his blocks and whatever's and everybody claps and he sits back down relieved he doesn't have to do that anymore until we remind him he still has to spar. Oh no, Mikey is not going to stand for smacking around another 4-year old, even though he lives for smacking other kids when he's not suppose to; I guess when you don't have a nap you turn into a pacifist. Needless to say there was not a second trophy for Mikey today. All he had to do was to step into the ring with his new cup and hit another kid. Oh well there's always next time. Tommy came in third in his form and actually beat a kid sparring; woo hoo that angry Irish blood does a kid good.
The one thing that made me mad was that they stopped all the little kid stuff so that the sensei's could perform a weapons' demo. So for 45 minutes we had to watch guys in their pajamas dance around with swords and yell Chinese words that I'm sure were dirty. Next time let the guys actually do full contact weapons demo on eachother and make the hour drive worth my while.

Friday, December 03, 2004


My mom and I drew straws and I lost, so I had to take our psycho golden retriever to the vet today. Mac is a freak of nature because every other golden retriever in the world wouldn't hurt a fly and our snaps at small children. Yesterday I picked up some pills because he tends to bite the vet. I didn't understand how me taking pills would make my dog feel better but who am I to question veterinary medicine. We muzzled him right away in the office but he till managed to snap at one of the two vet techs that tried to look in his ears. Well the pills didn't kick in until after we left the vet's office, poor Mac slept the rest of the day and is going to have quite a hangover tomorrow morning.

I'm watching Sir Elton John sing crocodile rock on the Muppet show. He apparently didn't want to wear big glasses and fancy feather outfits but the Muppets insisted and you really can't say no to a Muppet...they bite. Watching the Muppet DVD's bring me back to when I watched them for the first time on TV. It was definitely my favorite show especially because of the guest stars. I remember I would run into my mom's office and say, "Mom, tonight's very special guest star on the Muppet show is Mr. Gene Kelly!" Oh boy I was a dork, but I'm so glad I watched so much TV when I was little, it didn't leave any space for meaningless things like math or logic. Now Elton John and Miss Piggy are singing, "Don't go breaking my heart", now that was quality children's television.

Speaking of children, when I got to my sister's tonight I got to witness a truly special time in every young boy's life. Mikey and Tommy got their first cups. They have a karate tournament on Sunday and they were making sure they would work.
"Hit me in the wiener" (BOINK)
"Now you hit me in my wiener!"(BOINK)
I can't wait to have kids.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Comedy is good food

I know it's Soup is good food but give me a break, it's late. Just got back from the Comedy Store and my gosh it was fun. I always feel weird when I take a few days off and miss some shows, but it's just like riding a bike. I fall down a lot when I do comedy just like when I ride a bike.
I'm really proud of my friends who are just starting out and have so much talent. Hopefully they will burn out quickly and quit so I dont have to work so hard. I have officially been doing comedy for 10 years. Holy crap, I have socks older than that! I don't know what that means but my dad always says it. This comedy stuff is good for me, it keeps me on my toes and off the streets. Those damn gangs are always trying to get me to join. I always say no to the gangs because I don't want to have to get a tear tatoo on my check and I think that's like a requirement for most of them.
The only gang I will associate with is the nifty niners. They are the groups of ladies out at the golf course who I play nine holes of golf with on Thursdays, only 2 of them have tatoos and only one is a tear drop. I won 75 cents for the least amount of puts today so that was good. My dad gave me a set of Big Bertha irons as a early Christmas present and so far I can really hit the snot out of the ball with them. My old irons were my dad's old set and were so heavy I would go into back spasm after 18 holes with them. But these new clubs are light and fluffy graphite, they are so cool! Now I have to get my dad a real Christmas present and not just another coupon book like he got for his birthday.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

It turns bread into toast!

I watch the ABC show Lost and it makes me think, how would I do on an island? I think if there was no polar bears or any other evil forces at work I could do all right. I would be the one who would fish and pick berries. I'm not too keen on keeping the fire going. I can light the fire; just ask the arson investigators, I just don't have the commitment to keep them going. I am a big fan of daily showers and smooth legs so I guess I would spend a lot of time in the ocean and I would have to fashion a crude razor out of a coconut and a monkey.
I would be happy about my killer tan but I would be sad when the tan turns into a deadly carcinoma.
I would definitely win the "lose the weight" competition against my sister if I was on an island between now and Christmas. That seems a bit overboard to be stranded on an island just to win but I do hate to lose.
Also if I was on a deserted island I would not be subjected to Nick and Jessica's Family Christmas...oh dear God take me home now. I accidentally taped their special after Lost and because I have a bit of a dark side I watched as much as I could stomach. I hardly think this is how Jesus envisioned the celebration of His birth, but ya know what, maybe He saw it coming and wanted a good laugh, then again maybe not.

It's frickin freezing

Ya I said it, I'm cold. As I was driving home tonight the thermometer in my car said 33 degrees and then would flash the word ice. Like the car couldn't believe how cold it was either. Brrrrrrr. I know some of you are reading this where it is snowing and you are saying, "You don't know cold you California pansy." It's one thing to complain about how it's cold in the Midwest or the east coast, but seriously, you knew what you were signing up for back there. It tends to snow and be cold there. It's like nun's complaining about having to pray too much in the convent, you didn't sign up for MTV beach house, your in a convent! So I can complain because I live here in San Diego where it's legally suppose to be 72 year round (except for when it's 33!). My people escaped the tundra because of this cold weather. This needs to stop. If it doesn't I will be forced to write an angry letter to my congressman. I mean it; it will be a very angry letter.

I just got back from another exciting trip from the Laugh Factory. I went with my good friends Tim, John and Scott and had a great time. Dennis Miller's film crew wasn't there but we still had fun. We met some nice normal comics (from Minnesota don't cha know) and we all had great sets. It's always fun to go to different clubs and know that you can be funny in front of strangers. It's like being Catholic, comedy is a universal thing. Overall it was a great trip, no one was shot or had anything shoved in his or her ear. It only took us an hour and forty-five minutes to get to Hollywood; the trip would have been worth it for that great feat alone. We even gave money to a nice homeless grandma. We saw her in KFC and didn't want to ask her if she needed money so we kind of strategically placed money under her foot so she would see it when she got up. We are just like Mother Teresa...but different.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Oh Lord it's hard to be Humble...

My knees hurt. Do you know why they hurt?
I ran.
I know I know, running is stupid and goes against everything I stand for. I never intended to run when I went to the gym today. I was just going to walk on the treadmill for a few miles. I only really like the treadmill cause you can watch television when you walk. Unfortunately for me I was in front of the TV with the Home Garden network on. I think that's the only official way to get your heart rate to rise when you watch that network. So I was walking minding my own business when a hefty lady got on the treadmill next to me. I was walking at a brisk pace of 3.9, not a neurotic New York pace, but fast enough to lose an elderly man who was chasing you with a heavy axe. I look over at the portly lady to glance out of curiosity at her pace and she is at 4.5! Oh no you don't, I was not about to let her go faster than me. So I upped my pace and before I knew it I was jogging. I couldn't believe it, jogging, how disgusting, I felt so dirty, but she could not win! All I know is that I ran 2 miles at a 5.5 pace and I beat her! She quit first because she couldn't hang with me.
I'm sure she had no idea of the drama that was going on next to her but I owe her a lot. From now on when I go to the gym I will pick the treadmill next to her and those of like poundage to motivate my heart rate and help my self esteem.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Gosh Den Norm

My sister is going back to Bismark. North Dakota today for Thanksgiving wih her Boyfriend and his family. Oh Gosh den she's gonna have a real good time den back there. She is going to FREEZE!!!! I am cold and it's only 68. That's how I know there is a God. There is a God and He loves me because he plopped me down in sunny San Diego. He put the good sense into my parents to move and get out of the frozen tundra and breed where it is warm and it's a good thing when people wear shorts; For the most part at least. I'm going to go walk into town now and see if I can find any of those Laguna Beach kids to point at and make fun the most Christian way I can.

Monday, November 22, 2004

One more show and then I'm off

After Monday night football is over why not head over to Carlsbad to a bar for some comedy? OK maybe not but that's where I will be tonight. Squid Joe's in Carlsbad moved Comedy night after Monday Night Football so we could pack the house and all the drunks could maybe sober up before they get on the freeway. We just don't make people laugh, we are saving lives! Tomorrow I am house sitting for my Uncle in Laguna Beach. Hopefully I will see some of those kids from the fake reality show and I can minister to them. They are sad clowns. Granted from the outside I would appear to be a sad clown too, but at least they don't show it on MTV.
My mom and I bought the family Christmas tree today. I know Christmas is still a month away but it is in a pot and will be hanging out in the front yard for a couple more weeks. It's a living tree and we are going to plant it after Christmas. We bought it now because by the time normal people buy their Christmas trees all the living ones would be sold out. It's not like this is Oregon and you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a damn Christmas tree. I like that expression and although I have never swung a dead cat or do I condone such actions, it'a a great visual. I would take offense if you seaid swing a dead dog, or swing an elks club member, but a dead cat..ok.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Stood up

I was stood up today by a male. I had it all planned; I picked him up, (I actually had to wake him up, who takes naps at 1pm?) I bought HIM lunch, and then HE decides he doesn't want to go to the movies. I got stood up by a four year old! My nephew Mikey is totally the boss of me. I really wanted to see Sponge Bob the Movie today and he flat out refused. Now I'm out of luck because I can't go alone, that would look creepy if I went alone. People would judge me. I would judge me. I need to hang out with 3 years olds maybe. So if anybody has any kids who really want to see Sponge Bob but they can't stomach it, give me a call and I guess I'll go and watch it if I have too.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

In and Out

After finding out I had lost two pounds I did what anybody in my situation would do, I went to In and Out. After ordering my double-double proteins style no onions I pulled ahead and waited in line and that's when I saw it. Through the back window I saw a member of the food service industry blowing her nose. Now she must have had a real bad cold because she was honking and honking and if that wasn't bad enough she then checked her Kleenex. I guess to see if she had caught what ever came out of her nose. Now I admit that I blow my nose when I have a cold, heck I have even been know to check out my Kleenex, but here's the differen...I don't do it in front of the people who's food I am preparing (unless they deserve it).
This message is for the blonde girl who works at the In and Out in Vista: PLEASE BLOW YOUR NOSE AWAY FROM THE WINDOW, MAYBE THE BATHROOM? I guess the real message is, stay in school kids that way you can blow your nose in your office and not in a fast food joint.

No wonder hookers are grumpy

It's cause these high-heeled shoes hurt! I wore my fancy pants and big girl shoes tonight out to the comedy store for a private party. It was a good show and I did 10 minutes. The foundation that put on the show helps people with major brain injuries who basically get screwed over by their insurance or government or who ever is screwing over people with brain injuries these days. I'm gonna keep their number handy just in case. My friend Vicki was also doing the show tonight and invited me to go to a room in Normal Heights and split her time with her because she just didn't want to do a half hour set. So I went and I remembered why my friend Katie and I decided not to move there in college...its kind of scary, especially at night. Especially when you have to park far away (dad don't read that part, it was fine I parked right in front of the theatre and two nice policemen escorted me directly inside while 5 sharpshooters covered us with scoped weapons).

I went on last at the Room in Normal Heights and I thought it might be horrible, but it was actually quite fun. My friend Mark runs a great room and hopefully I can go back there again. If nothing else at least I got free coffee, made by a man who wore eyeliner. Hand to God, he had eyeliner on, but it was caked on a bit much and made him look cheap. Such a nice boy wearing the eyeliner, one more man that I don't have to worry about marrying, my rule is I can't marry anyone who wears more eyeliner than me. So far it's a good rule and I'm sticking by it.

Monday, November 15, 2004


My sister and I are having a "lose all our fat" contest. We are seeing who can shed the most pounds before our other sister gets here for Christmas. Needless to say I have been to at the YMCA for the past two days working the treadmill. Now I have never been much of what society would label a "runner". I just don't run; it's not my bag. But desperate times call for desperate measures. If walking is good for you running must be great for you right? That's the same theory that gets people in trouble when they start drinking shots of tequila. In theory yes, but as we know theory has nothing to do with the real world. I was a little sore today after yesterday's two-mile run, so what do normal people do to combat soreness? That's right get back on the treadmill sister! Two and half miles later and I am walking like a got off my horse. This being slender thing sucks.
And excuse me Bridget Jones actress lady who is being praised for packing on so much weight to weigh as much as I do now. Way to go, wow, eating to prepare for a role...Brilliant!

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Lifetime Television for Women?

I think not. What kind of sick network thinks that I don't need to watch Golden Girl's on Thursday thru Monday night? Sure it's on twice in the morning and twice in the afternoon, but I need it six times a day! Do they not play it because they think I am out on dates and don't have time for Dorthy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia? Well I'm home Thursday thru Monday night and I am going to write an angry letter to the so-called "Television for Women" network and you can bet there will be many words in bold!

The Comedy Store was packed tonight and it was fun. Even at 10pm when people were starting to leave, there was still over a hundred drunkards ready to laugh. I went after Vicki and since we both live in Vista the transition was smooth. I did stand up Monday thru Thursday this week and didn't get paid for it once, so I must really like it or something. Or I am extremely stupid, either way it keeps me off the streets.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

bodily functions

This morning I awoke to a foul smell. At the foot of my bed one of my dogs had a rough night and blew chunks all over my carpet. It's kind of like waking up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee, except different. My gag reflex prohibits me from touching or looking at chunks so my mom was called in.

We have a long driveway in the "country" so we don't get a lot of visitors. So when our doorbell rang today and there was no car in the driveway we just let the dogs bark and didn't even go to the door. There were only a few types of people it could be: Mormons or other religious group who hate us Catholics, Salesman (but really what kind of salesman doesn't have a vehicle), or an axe murderer. Turns out my dog thought it was the latter. He must have been really scared because he barked so hard he pooped his pants. Unfortunately for our carpet and wasn't wearing any pants.

I will be at the Comedy Store in La Jolla tonight. Show starts at 8pm and there is a $5 cover and a 2-drink minimum.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Drink and Laugh

Tonight I will be performing at "Squid Joe's" at 9pm in Carlsbad off the tamarack exit. I believe it is a $2 cover, so look under your couch for admission to see me. On second thought, bring $4 and give me two so I can be a professional comedian and get paid in something other than drinks.

The monkey hasn't called me back yet...

Monday, November 08, 2004

Eat and Laugh

Want to eat food and laugh? Well, not at the dame time, you could choke and die and that wouldn't be funny.
Tonight I will be at the "Comedy Grill" 
FROM S.D. & L.A.
8:00pm MONDAY
 Rosie & Joe's
Grill & Cantina
7986 Armour St.
One block south of Balboa.
Bet. Convoy & Hwy 163
Enjoy great food, drinks & COMEDY
For Info Call 858-277-5777

Friday, November 05, 2004

Don't touch my monkey!

I had so much fun on todayI almost keeled over. I have to say when I woke up today I thought something was seriously wrong, I just wasn't nervous. I had all week to be scared and think of all the things that could terribly wrong. But this morning I was done with all that silliness and I was ready to do my jokes. The Holy Spirit and friends were with me all day and they do good work.

We got to NBC studios around 11:30am and couldn't find where we were suppose to park on the street so we just went in the "artist entrance". When we checked in at security they asked if what I was going to be doing on the show and I said, "belly dancing". Apparently they bought it because they let me in. Everyone on the show was great. One of the producers took me up to my dressing room and showed me around. After I changed into my fancy comedian clothes I went down to see the studio and see where my marks would be. I then went into make up and was made to look all pretty. Without all the lights I looked like a streetwalker, but when I got under all those studio lights everything looked all right. I went back into the studio and ran through my set and the crew was laughing and that made me feel good. I also really enjoyed when the man put the mic on me; he had cold hands. I went back in for my hair to get done and decided I could really get use to this pampering stuff.

They came and took my mom to the studio so she could sit down with the rest of the audience. I was left alone so I headed on down to the green room. I meet a talent coordinator and she was very nice and from San Diego to boot. We talked and discussed a brain dead Arafat (I told her I was no doctor but that just didn't sound healthy at all. She asked if Dave the producer had all my contact information (my dad tell me that's a good sign). We were flipping the channels that are all NBC feeds when we came to channel 39, which is the direct feed from the studio. Dennis Miller was in his chair and was ready to get started, whoops. Producers scurried and yelled and I ran in the studio trying to keep up with the one stage manager who was going to hide my in the corner till it was my turn to do my set. We walked right in front of DM and I felt his stare, I finally gave him my best smile and a wave and he said, "I think she's trying to pick me up". When I got back in my little cubby the makeup ladies found me and ambushed me to fix all the damage I had done to my face by itching and rubbing my nose. After that I just waited in the dark and tried not to look like I was about to explode. I kept waiting to get nervous but it never hit me. All of a sudden I looked up at the screen and there I was saying, "My whole set tonight is about tampons." Damn you Mr. Editor. Bill Dwyer, the comedian who interviewed us asked me to tell him my best tampon joke. I told him I didn't have any and he should tell me his and he did. So this was a couple questions later when I said, "my hold set tonight is about tampons.”" Hardy har har. I got in trouble by my Irish grandma lady Joanie Maloney. She said, "don't be saying tampons on television again."
When it was time for Bill to introduce me Dennis stopped him and told me to take my time and not to worry about doing just a minute. How cool! I had timed all my jokes all week to do a minute exactly. So I just slowed everything way down and did a minute forty seconds. When I went out there it wasn't scary at all. The audience was great and not drunk for once! When I was done DM congratulated me and told me I had done a great set and we shook hands and it was over! I went back to the green room and all the staff said DM really liked my set and I thought this was just as good as it get...boy was I wrong. About 2 minutes later the producer called me out of the room and I thought they had found all the Evian I had stolen from my dressing room. "Did you want to meet the chimp?” Oh hell ya! I followed him back in the studio and went behind the audience bleachers where I saw 3 chairs: 2 ladies and a chimp. The trainer said, "when I say ok put out your hand. He will take it and want to hug you. He might hug you hard because he really likes the ladies so don't be scared." It kind of reminded me of the speeches the nurses at the old folks home use to give about the scary old men who did the same thing. So I went up and met the chimp. He told my hand and pulled me in and grabbed the back of my neck. He pulled my face close to his and stared at me. Then he flipped upside down and put my hands under his head and played with my hair. After grooming me for a bit and not finding and bugs thank God, he started playing with my hair and really made it look great. I decided if I am ever rich and famous I definitely want a chimp around. If not a chimp I will hire a hairy midget to hang out with me but not to play with my hair because that would just be weird.
Overall it was an awesome day and I can't wait to do it again. Where do I go from here? I have no idea. Hopefully someone saw the show and liked me and will marry me and whisk me off to his tropical island where I can sit around and eat pasta all day. Or maybe I will finally get an agent out of this.
Either way...I got to hang out with a monkey!

Thursday, November 04, 2004

I'm off!

My mom and I(she is my posse) are off to L.A.
Every time you see me blink on television it means I am thinking of you!

Kickboxing is dumb

It's true, kickboxing is dumb. Since the camera adds 10 pounds I thought I would go to the YMCA 3 days before I go on TV. Ya that one class should take care of things. Well I really didn't stay for the whole class. I stayed for a half hour and then I just had to leave. I just had to! You can't just do an hour of cardio work after months of nothing; it's just not good for you. I didn't even consult with my doctor before I started so I left. I am so responsible about my health it astounds me!

I am now officially addicted to bleu cheese wedge salads. My dad and I make them about twice a day, I guess there are worse things to be addicted to. Like milkshakes or heroine or heroine milkshakes.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

The Letter W

I don't know why everyone was against the letter W. Do they hate the letter M? It's just a W turned upside down, come on people! I guess people 18 to 24 are not that scared of P. Diddy because there was just as much minority and youth vote as there was in 2000. We aint scared of you Diddy! Was there a surge of closet W fans out there? When I watched Bruce and all the Rockers I thought for sure that would work to get out the vote. But it was like a high school election when all your friends say they will vote for you and then they just forgot to because they assumed you couldn't lose because everyone was going to vote for you. Kerry ran a great race but it's over and now we have to get ready for Hilary in 4 years. God Bless America.

I can see right away that the movie Ray is not a comedy. If it was the scene when Ray Charles carries his wife over the threshold, her head would bang into the door. It doesn't so it's a drama.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Happy Election Day!

I am voting today and do you know why? It's because I am scared of P. Diddy.

I once met George W and he was nice and shook my hand, we drank diet cokes together, but that's not why I like him.

I have never met John Kerry, but I do like ketchup, it has natural mellowing agents, maybe that's why he has such a relaxed face.

I once ran for junior class vice president in high school. My slogan was, "Vote for the unpopular girl for once." I didn't win.

What is Ross Perot up to?

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Boo, I scared you, I think you pooped your Pants

I feel much better about the DMS and do you know why? Do you know why I am no longer nervous about appearing on television? It's because I survived the Whaley House! The Whaley house is an official haunted house (so says the state of California and the kids I freaked out). Legend has it, as well as a docent dressed like a character out of the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, that one of the ghost that inhabits the Whaley house is fond of touching your hair and face whenever she feels like it. She is a ghost that doesn't understand boundaries. Getting to the part where I freaked out the kids, I simply saw a junior high kid who had a very bad blond bowl haircut. He and his friends were looking into the baby's nursery when I walked by and blew really hard into the back of his head. I am so naughty. Right away he looked at his friend and looked really scared. My sister friend Tess overheard him asking his friend if he had touched his head and how he heard one of the ghost touches you. I am so naughty. So for the rest of his life this sad clown boy will remember this night as the evening he had an encounter with a groping poltergeist. I buy my naughty pills in bulk at Costco.

Tonight encore SNL had a special musical group: The Folksmen! It's the dudes from Spinal Tap who went on to be in a Mighty Wind. I love those guys!

Friday, October 29, 2004

Burbank or bust

A few weeks ago while waiting in line in the rain for the Laugh Factory open mic a crew from the Dennis Miller show interviewed us. We all did our shtick and tried our best to act like we didn't think it was the coolest thing in the world to be interviewed. As they were leaving one of the producers said out of the 18 of us, one would be getting the chance to perform a one minute set on the Dennis Miller show.
Well all of my mom's rosaries finally paid off because today I got a call to come to NBC studio's next week and do a set on the show...Holy cow! Are you kidding me?

This is almost as cool as this is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to not explode until Friday.

I already have an idea of what material I want to do, it's so weird just to do one minute of material. I am so use to a half hour show or even just ten minutes, one minute is going to be a challenge but one I am willing to tackle. It's going to be so cool to be in front of a "live studio audience", the dead one's really creep me out. Hopefully the guys I drove up and waited in the rain with at the Laugh Factory can come to the taping. They are great guys and funny comedians who will help me represent the "San Diego Comedy Van".

What to wear...what to wear? I am not going to wear a tube top though. My mom said no.

Monday, October 25, 2004

It's coming!

I have a tickle in the back of my throat, I sneezed 45 times today, either I am allergic to my new underwear or a cold is near. It's like a bad horror movie, this oncoming cold of mine. Waiting in the wings, stalking me, waiting to pounce. All I have to do now is to wait for the suspenseful music and run upstairs instead of out the door.

I hope it does not attack me tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day that I promised my mom a very big favor. I said I would take the dogs to a picnic in Fallbrook with her, A picnic where dogs and their owners dress in similar Halloween costumes.
Oh death, please come quickly!
I plan on wearing the Seeing Eye dog harness my friend Megan gave me in High school and putting the sunglasses on Mac so I could be his Seeing Eye person. I wish I still had my video camera so I could truly capture the wonder that is pet and people dress up picnics. This is exactly what Jesus had in mind when He came to save us, I'm just sure of it.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

I need a venue

I had a great 6 minutes of being funny tonight. I did all Jesus jokes. Have you heard the one about when Jesus walks in a bar? I haven't, my Jesus set isn't like that.

I want to get out and do more comedy but I am finding a very big hindrance, I don't know where to go. I can only go to the Comedy Store three nights a week.

I tried the bus depot, but the bums kind of all ready have their list of who can get stage time and there is no arguing with them, they're crazy. No really, they are CRAZY!

I tried to do my set at the rest home in Vista but they kept scheduling on me on banana pudding day and you can't get those people to look up from their banana pudding for nothing!

Tomorrow I am going to discount tires, because I know there will be at least 6 people who won't be going anywhere for a while that will have to listen to me because they are not going anywhere for a while!

So hurry up and book me for your child's baptism, office party, donkey parade or fondue party. I'm serious people, don't make me go back to the bus depot.

Grease is good food

It was a gamble I know. Going 2 for 2 at a Chinese buffet is a rare occurrence and it did not happen for me. My sister and I went to that happy fun Chinese buffet out by the mall (that's not a good sign to begin with), It was really good until I started paying attention to how much grease I was consuming. I started getting that sweaty cold felling and it was not pretty. I tried to smooth my stomach with some ice cream but I should have known that never works, but I had to try. We then went over to the self esteem store, better know as Wal-Mart. Have you ever had to go open up the Rolaids in the store to eat them because if you didn't you might just have to lie down and die? It didn't help that people eat Big Mac's while they do their clothes shopping in Wal-Mart.

I made it home ok and got to watch Disney's Robin Hood with my nephews. I was very excited that they actually liked a movie that nobody dueled in and was not made in Japan. Don't get me go ahead I hate all the new Yugio type shows. They make my head hurt and give me seizures. Remember when people in Japan were getting seizures from watching cartoons? Now that's a good cartoon. It's like extreme television watching, very risky. With my distain for these new cartoons I have rekindled my love for the classic movies of my youth.

Bedknobs and Broomsticks: Angela Lansbury sings, need I say more! It won an academy award in 1971 for Special Visual Effects. No, the special effects had nothing to do with the fact that the Murder She Wrote star sang while sitting on a broom, rather that she took kids and the dude from Mary Poppins under water to a cartoon world. It's a 138 minutes that you'll never get back.

Here is the Plot Summary for another favorite from when I was but a wee lass, Snowball Express (1972):
"When John Baxter inherits a ski resort in the Rocky Mountains, he quits his job in New York and moves the family west to run it. Only to find that the place is a wreck. But together they decide to try to fix it up and run it. But Martin Ridgeway, who wants the property, does everything he can to ensure it will fail."
Can you picture it in you head? Doesn't it sound like the greatest movie ever! It was when I was 6, it was just brilliant and I would watch it every day when we got our very first VCR. Can you dig it?

Yet another Plot summary for a great movie called Gus (1976)
"The California Atoms are in last place with no hope of moving up. But by switching the mule from team mascot to team member, (He can kick 100 yard field goals!) they start winning, and move up in the rankings, Hurrah! The competition isn't so happy."

The only thing I have to say about this movie other than it totally got the shaft at the Academy Awards, is that Tim Conway plays a man named Crankshaft. What else do you need to know? It's a field goal kicking mule people!

They just don't make them like they use to!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

comedy van

I just got back from an all day comedy adventure at the Laugh Factory. After I sleep for a while I will write about it, but I just had to say that I had so much fun with Robert, Paul and Tim in the comedy van. I laughed, I cried, I learned about outside was a great day. Luckily for you it was captured all on film and will hopefully be on CNBC but I'll tell you about soon.
Long Blog to follow

Monday, October 18, 2004

zere one zero zero zero one!

Binary code is so hilarious!

For the last minute I have been trying to type on my notebook without my dog putting his face on the keyboard and messing me up. sdligcbsc [qs...damn it. Luckily that is my biggest problem facing me. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, hope in my soul and soap in my hole....wait, what?
I am looking forward to driving up to the laugh factory tomorrow. Tuesday is an open mic night. You can sign up at 5pm, but if you showed up at 5pm the list would be full. So you really have to get there around noon time. So from noon to Five you sit outside the club with the other comedians and wait. I think this business is a lot like the army: hurry up and wait. I'm very excited about the fact that it is suppose to rain all day too! This means I will be fresh for the 7:30pm show. It will be just like those Irish soap commercials. What's that soap called, Lucky Charms? No, no Irish Spring. It will be just like that commercial...except different.

The point of all this fun of standing in the rain, all the driving and the irish people is really for after the show. If the owner of the Laugh Factory see's you he will tell you what he thinks of you after the show. He won't say, "Hey you smell" or, "Hey I think you are a really snappy dresser." He will tell you what he thought of your set. If you are totally awesome he will invite you back for a showcase or he will just give you a sack full of money and make you queen of the comedians right there and then.

I will keep you informed untill then, zere one zero zero zero one!

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Comedy Death

I am watching my friend's four kids from Sunday morning to Monday and warned them that I had to go to the comedy store on Sunday night. They said no problem and it made for a good icebreaker to say I had to make it a quick set so I could get back to the kids I was babysitting, I said it was ok because only one was mildly retarded. Just kidding, he's full blown retarded. Sunday nights at the comedy store are so much fun I sometimes fall over with excitement. There were five people there when I walked in. Then I got over myself and remembered it was stand up comedy and not brain surgery (My brain surgery license had been revoked because of that thing that happened with the drifter) I then went back to see if the kids were alive and now I am going to go to bed. It's my birthday in half an hour; I hope the birthday fairy knows where to find me.

Tuesday I'm going to drive up to LA and do an open mic at the Laugh Factory. Hopefully there will be more than five people there.

The Comedy Store

Come laugh and have a two drink minimum Sunday and Wednesday of this week. The Comedy Store is in La Jolla on Pearl Street and the shows start at 8pm. See you there!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Dog Beach

I took the lads to Del Mar today to run around on the beach. What, did you have to work today? Sorry but you probably got paid for what you did, I did not. Since filling out my unemployment form out wrong I have no idea where my magic money has gone. But let's stay focused here. Because I have no money I was not about to pay $1.50 to park close to dog beach. Instead I parked 2 blocks away for free. Too bad the dogs are hyperactive pee machines that nearly ripped my arms off on the 2-block walk! Next time I will borrow the $1.50 and park close. Mac and Chewie (those are my dogs) like to race to see who is going to get to the water first. They like to drink the salt water because they know it will make them go slowly insane. Mac get's so thirsty that he begins to froth at the mouth and he looks like he has rabies. It's a funny joke we play when he chases me up and down the beach and I scream. We both get a big kick out of the whole thing. Good times. I made sure to run the hell out of them so the walk back to the car would be much smoother. As soon as we got in the car the lads fell asleep, so I drew on their faces with a black sharpie. Just kidding, it was a red sharpie.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Grey Goose

I'm Judy McDonald and I approved this blog.

OK is it grey or gray? Does it matter? I think it does, it's my new platform. Politics makes you age. I was flipping tonight and saw some show on PBS with both Bush and Kerry just a few years ago. They both had lovely salt free hair. Jump ahead a few years and look at the poor bastards. Even I can't escape the hairs that turn. Just this morning I had a talk with the 6 or so that won't die. I pleaded with them to leave no questions asked, but then someone walked by the bathroom so I quickly pretended I was talking to the dog. If I, an unemployed Stand up Comic can be under so much stress to sprout the unwanted hair is there hope for our Presidential candidates? We should have a contest to see how long John Edwards can go without turning. That is unless he is a hair dyer. We know John Kerry spray tans so I guess Edwards could go to the salon. We know Cheney does absolutely nothing to improve his looks and GW has skin cancer and I'm sure hairy ears.
Don't forget I will be at the Comedy Store tomorrow night. Call the store to see what time you can see me (858)454-9176

Peace in the Mid-West!

Monday, October 11, 2004

Save Face!

Have you ever looked at your face? I mean really examined your face. I have. Not your face, my face.

My photo shoot for my headshot is tomorrow and I notice my face changes a lot. You can see this in photos. I'm not talking about subtle changes over the years. In my photos my face changes in the same roll. My mom got pictures from the boob walk and of the 10 photos of me 5 were Sandra Bullock-like, 4 were Kathy Bates-like and one I looked like Chet Atkins (I have no idea what happened there). My point being I am very nervous that my headshots will look like me on a good photo moment.

I have also noticed on close examination of my face that my eyelids are drooping at an alarming rate. I calculate that by my 30th birthday my gigantic eyelids will blind me. My mom reassured me that health insurance would pay for a brow lift if you were legally blind from your skin I got that going for me.

Tonight was also my triumphant return to the YMCA. I take a BOSA boot camp were you basically jump up and down on a dome and follow the rhythmic gyrations of a lady who has zero percent body fat. We hate her. It was my first land locked exercise since the walk. I surfed the day after the walk but that doesn't count because I enjoy surfing. Exercise only counts went it's not enjoyable, that's how you know it's working. The YMCA was not enjoyable. I stayed in the back and half assed the whole thing. I wanted to leave very badly and just as I was about to the lady next to me picked up all her stuff and ran out. She beat me to it, damn her.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Wednesday at the Comedy Store

This week I will be at the La Jolla Comedy Store only on on Wednesday! Call the Store for reservations. Not if you have reservations about going but reservations to make sure they save you a seat.

Friday, October 08, 2004

You done lady?

I'm getting new headshots on Tuesday because my almost ten-year-old ones do not reflect the new Sandra Bullock in me. The old headshots are not even real headshot but from a photo shoot that I was in for an article in USD magazine. The photographer sent us an original 8x10 and we've been copying them ever since. Before that we paid some lady too much money when I was a freshman at USD to get a photo package. That was just sad. I was a bigger girl then, it looked like I had eaten Sandra Bullock. I now have about 489 of those sad photos around; I use to give them out as funny wrapping paper but it proved to embarrassing.

Since I am taking these new photos I have decided to try to slim down. So yesterday I was very good and drank a lot of water and ate fruit and good balanced meals. Today I was also very good even though we went out to an Italian (pronounced eye-talian) restaurant for lunch. I then worked on my show for tomorrow night and then when surfing. By the time I got to my sisters house I was sick of being good. So we piled the boys in the car and we drove to a Chinese buffet. Nothing says slimming down like a good portion of deep fried shrimp.

After we were eating for a while "Eric" our server boy came to clear our plates. He said, "YOU DONE LADY?" and took my sisters plate. Then he turned to my nephew and said, "BOY IS DONE!" and took Mikey's plate. Now that's what I call service. "Eric" scared me because he was a very forceful server boy. He sure did curb my appetite. So the plan for now is to drink more water and eat less buffets until Tuesday so I can be Sandra Bullock like in my photo.

I am watching the re broadcast of the second presidential debate and I must say John Kerry is funny. Not funny ha ha but funny like a dork. He insults Bush a lot and when you think Bush is going to insult him back he just stares and looks like he wants to hit him, it makes me laugh. I wish Kerry and Bush could just wrestle and get it over with. They both lie through their teeth but my boy wears a cowboy hat. The town hall format makes me angry too. If you get picked to ask a question on national television please do me the favor to rehearse your question and not read it from a damn index card. If you can't remember the damn question maybe you should not be in the town hall. It all makes me sick…or it could be the deep fried octopus.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Fun at the Mall

Have you ever gone to the mall on a Wednesday morning? If you like to watch old people, it's a senior lollapalooza! They are the grandpas and grandmas who henceforth shall be known as G&G's. There are G&G's who walk very SLOWLY looking at the store windows of the Fredrick's of Hollywood and Hot Topic. I'm sure in their heads they are saying something about the damn kids today and what they wear. I hope they are saying that and nothing about how they wish they could have more leather in their wardrobe.

There are the G&G's who walk around the mall at a brisk pace for their cardio work out. I like these G&G's because I too walk at a brisk pace.

I especially like the G&G's who can be seen in the forbidden realms of See's Candy and Taco Bell. They are eating all the naughty things their kids and doctors would scold them if they only knew. The are the rebel G&G's who know how to live it up.

Then there are the G&G's who sit on a bench and just stare. It's sad to see them just sitting there waiting till it's time to move and go home. The funny thing is they probably see me and think, oh look at that sad girl. She kind of looks like someone...a sad Sandra Bullock!

The person I feel the most pity for at the mall is the sad clown who works in a certain kiosk. It's called the creative crab and they sell hermit crabs. Can you imagine the comments that poor girl get's all day long? I can and it makes me giggle.

Monday, October 04, 2004

walk, walk, walk, walk and walk

My buddy Andy leaves in 5 hours to start his journey to Iraq. He is quite a Marine warrior and I'm very proud of him. We went surfing together today and that will have to hold him for four months. I hear there are no really good waves in Iraq this time of year so he will just have to fly his helicopter for fun.

I promised you tales from the walk, ok here it goes... we walked and walked and walked and ate and drank, peed and slept. It really doesn't get any more exciting than that.
I am very proud of my mom who walked along with me, my sister and 2,500 other people. For a 65 year old lady she kicks ass! Not literaly, as far as I know she has never kicked anyone's ass, but she certainly could. The first day was tough because we walked up two REALLY BIG HILLS. The second hill wasn't just big, it was long! It kept going and going and made us question why the heck we were walking. We walked twenty One miles the first day so by saturday morning lots of people looked liked they had just gotten off a horse. My feet exploded with blisters some time around saturday, but they really didn't bother me. The thing that bothered me that was my friend Jenny had no blisters! You cannot truly experience the 3 day breast cancer walk without walking with at least some discomfort. My mom also had huge blisters and was a sad clown but had a great attitude the whole time and refused to get swept by falling behind. My sister Amy and I also rekindleed our hate for people on the walk. I know that sounds horrible, but people really bug us sometimes. We especially hate the following people: People who sing cute songs that ryhme when they walk. People who are very happy at 5:15am. People who walk very fast up a big hill and pass you as you are dying. These people are the people who have a special place reserved in hell for them, right next to hitler and Martha Stewart.

Don't forget to go to come to Hennessey's Tavern tonight at 9pm for some comedy and a pint!
(760) 729-6951
2777 Roosevelt St
Carlsbad, CA 92008

Sunday, October 03, 2004

180 miles

So far I have walked 180 miles for breast cancer. What has breast cancer ever done for me? We just go tback from the walk and I am pooped. Tune back in tomorrow and I will tell you all about the ambulance ride, port a potties and blisters.

Tuesday October 5th
The venue is Hennessey's Tavern located at 2777
Roosevelt St, Carlsbad CA, 92008.
I will be performing 15 minutes as the opener. The
show starts at 9:00 and I'll be working with two very
strong (clean) headliners form L.A.
Call or email of you have any questions. Hope to see
you there!

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The View from Vista

I'm back from house sitting in Laguna Beach! It was fun swimming in the cove with the fish and sea lions and going to bed with the sound of the ocean but now I'm Vista. Vista which means view, but I ask you, what view do I have in Vista? From my one window I see our "upstairs" neighbors. They have about 78 people living in their house along with a few pit bulls and some chickens. They are our loud naughty neighbors that make my parents want to move. Out my other window I see the greenhouses. These green houses grow a plant called the Bromeliad. It is 30 acres of greenhouses that use cancer causing chemicals. We think they are the reason my mom, dad, sister, all of our dogs and a spattering of neighbors have had cancer. Happy happy joy joy. So don't buy broeliads because all your doing is inadvertently giving me and my dogs cancer.

Tomorrow we register for the 3 - day breast cancer walk. We walk 20 miles a day for 3 days until we all fall down and die. This is my third year of walking and every year I never think I am ready. In fact this year I think I might just fall down within the first mile and let the sweeper van pick me up. Really I find no shame in being picked up in the loser van and being brought to the camp. I already raised my money and it goes to cancer research if I walk or not. I suppose I will walk though because whatever does not kill me just gives me material.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Pumpkin Seeds Make the World Go Round

First off I have to just say that I had my first pumpkin sighting today and it made me so happy. Now before you try to schedule an intervention for me (again) just hear me out. The first pumpkin sighting of the year is very exciting for me because it means pumpkin seeds. I never loved Halloween for the candy, because you can get candy when ever the hell you want if you're smart about it. But pumpkin seeds were and still are very special to me. My mom would bring home the poor pumpkin for me to carve and I would proudly announce that the pumpkin was about to get a lobotomy. I was weird even then. After we would scoop out the entrails and clean them off she would add a pound of butter and some salt and I would eat those pumpkin seeds within the hour. When I was smaller I could only do this about three times before I got so sick I couldn't look at a pumpkin without turning a bit green, I am proud to say as an adult I can easily go through about 6 pumpkins before I have to quit. It's a big thing when I see the first pumpkin of the year it brings back childhood memories, makes my mouth water and my arteries harden. Stay tuned for the pumpkin count this year; maybe I'll break 10!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Help Me I'm Lost

I was so excited to watch a new show tonight on ABC. Really, I was excited; I don't get out that much. You guys think I'm just being funny, but really, I get excited when I watch TV. Tonight I watched the new show "Lost". I tuned in about five minutes after eight and everyone was already crashed on an island. All I know is that the dying brother from "Party of Five" must have gotten better and went to medical school cause now he's a doctor. He's not even a good doctor because he can't stitch himself up because his arms are too short. He does seem less annoying than he was before, cancer and medical school must have straightened him out. It seems like a really good plot until an invisible dinosaur shows up and starts eating people. Don't people in Hollywood know anything! You can have a great show about people trying to survive on an island without the island being Jurassic Park. It's just like the movie "It". It was such a scary movie about a killer clown who lives in the sewer. Scary until, the end when it's a giant spider with a clown head! I fear that this is the path we are going with Lost. Hell, even Gilligan's Island never had an invisible dinosaur. Oh wait; "Lost" should invite the Harlem Globetrotters to come to the island! I would watch that.

Moving on out

Moving is not a fun thing. I am moving this week from my studio apartment in downtown La Jolla up to Vista. Don't be jealous. I am sad to be leaving La Jolla, but when I really think about it I'm glad that I'm getting out of my little hamster cage studio. Last night I actually walked into a completely different room here in Vista! I like having the option of going into more than one room, it's blowing my mind. Of course the downside to this is not being able to watch the TV from my bathroom, but in the long run maybe that's a good thing. I made two trips yesterday from Vista to La Jolla and I am embarrassed by all the stuff I have accumulated over the 3 years of living there. It's all stuff I use but still, it's just a lot of stuff. So I have been throwing a lot of said stuff away. Half used candles, bathroom products, bills and things I've borrowed from people. I'm just kidding, I would never thow away a bill. I rented a 6X10 storage space in Vista to keep my bed and everything else that won't fit in my room. It's a typical Vista storage unit, meaning instead of using it for actual storage, many people hang out there and cook meth. But hey, it's really cheap, so I'm not complaining. It's also in a really safe neighborhood because I see at least three cop cars patrolling all the time. Hey, as long as I don't have to live there it's alright with me.

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - A Malaysian man shot and killed his wife after he mistook her for a monkey picking fruit in a tree behind their house, the New Straits Times said on Wednesday.

The man, 70, is being held by police for causing death through recklessness after he fired a shotgun at what he thought was a monkey in a mangosteen tree on Monday, the newspaper said.

His wife, 68, had used a ladder to climb into the tree and was picking the tropical fruit when she was shot. She was pronounced dead on arrival at a hospital, the paper said. The couple lived in central Malaysia and had raised 13 children.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Sister Mary Kelsey

- a story for my sad clown niece who is sad about her dog, Flash.

My niece kelsey wants to be a nun. So much so that she wears a penguin outfit around the house. She makes everyone call her Sister Mary Kelsey and she chases her sister around the house with a giant ruler. We were concerned about this behavior but the doctors said it was very normal and not to be worried. But late at night my sister says she wakes up and Kelsy will be standing over her with the ruler ready to pounce. The penguin suit she made also cuts off her circulation around her throat and now when she talks she sound like Julia Child. "Hellloooooo mommy, today we have a woooonderful soup to make, ohhhhh." She also tends to want to take off her shoes and walk barefoot in the snow. She claims this is good for the soul. Too bad it's still summer and 74 degrees out. So instead she puts her feet in the freezer and that's not doing anybody any good.

Sunday, September 19, 2004


I just bought two Maruchan Instant lunches for a dollar and I put in on my ATM card, how cool is that? Instant lunch, for those of you who are not schooled in the finer things, is the one in the Styrofoam cup. Kind of like cup of noodles, but different. They cost two for a dollar at the Vons in La Jolla. However, Maruchan Ramen noodles soup is the same damn thing except in a package that comes with flavoring and no cup. Those are ten for a dollar at the La Jolla Vons. So the main and most important difference here is the Styrofoam cup. Without the cup you have to take out a pan, turn on the stove, put water in the pan, wait for it to boil, (which can take minutes) add the noodles and the flavoring and let stand. Are you kidding me? If I wanted to spend more than three minutes on a meal I wouldn't be eating anything with the words "Chicken Flavoring" on the package. I would eat a real damn chicken!

On Thursday I got a call from scary mobster Sal from the Shelter Point Hotel and Marina telling me I had made the finals of his ten week long comedy contest. Dat Phan opened the show and I had a nice conversation with his girlfriends two year old. We talked about Blues Clues and she was very impressed with my impersonation of Blue. I also tried to explain to her than Joe was now on the show not because his older brother Steve was away at college but because he was a coke-head. She wasn't following me. I think she's in denial. Sal shuffled the cards that night to see the order of the show, a brilliant production secret! Of course I was last. I went on at 11:30pm and had an ok set but CTP was the funniest monkey that night and won. First prize was a night at the Hotel. Second and third place won fig Newton and a carton of milk, respectively.

I had a good set tonight at the Comedy Store. Once again twelve seems to be the magic number for me at the Comedy Store. Twelve strangers laughed and clapped for me. I love it when I make strangers laugh. It's almost as good as when you scratch a dog and their leg starts going. I wish people's legs would kick when they laughed, that would be fun to watch.

Speaking of dog's, I'm glad I'm not one. There was a brief time when I was four that I pretended to be a dog. It was when we got a new refrigerator and my mom let me use the box as a doghouse. She even cut up carrots in a bowl and gave me a bowl of water. I hope and pray that I have an ounce of the patients my mom had for me. My sister's dog has bladder issue so she's putting her down tomorrow. Her name is Flash, the dog, not my sister. Flash just doesn't pee when she laughs too hard. She pees when she walks, when she sits, when she thinks too hard doing the crossword, do you get the picture? If you are I had this flaccid bladder problem we would slap on a diaper but when you're a dog and you have this problem they kill you. Flash is thirteen and that's like ninety one in dog years. I'm glad I don't pee my pants anymore. I don't, so don't schedule any vet appointments for me, okay?

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Highlight of the evening

Today I experienced the unemployment black hole again. I swear I can't tell you what I did from 11am to 3pm. I remember working on the computer and trying to print some dvd labels so I can send out my demo tape to managers and then BOOM; 3pm. I didn't even take one of my three naps mandated by the unemployment people. I did go surfing with my favorite second cousin, Jake. We surfed at Tourmaline, so if you hear that I am dead tomorrow it's because I swallowed too much contaminated water; at least I went doing what I loved.

I remember what took up a big chunk of today, I filled out a 8 page application for health insurance. If accepted I will only pay 96 bucks a month instead of $598 a month. That kind of sounds too good to be true. Perhaps I don't get to go to "real" doctors. Whatever doesn't kill me just gives me more material.

The Asian American lady on Donald Trump's hair show make me angry. She has amber highlights in her jet black hair. Someone should really tell her that doesn't look natural. But I guess next to Mr. Trump's it's fine.

Poor Bradford. He got fired, but really what was his job? I do not feel sorry for Bradford (really Brad why the ford?). First of all the man is a lawyer and he is on the hair show, just stay where you are and don't embarrass yourself on national television. I think Donald Trump's hair fired him because Brad is so bald it makes the Donald's hair look even worse (if that's even humanly possible?) Did I just spend a whole paragraph talking about Donald Trump's hair? I think that's a sign to cut back on caffeine and maybe get out of the house more.

Tomorrow night I am going back to the Shelter Point Hotel and Marina. I got the call from Sal that I had made it into the "finals" for the comedy contest. So we shall see what happens. If you are in the area and would like to see the hilarity that ensues come on by around 9pm. It's free and really what else do you have to do?

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

I smell a Skunk.

No really, I do. I smell a skunk and he's close and angry. The smell woke me up from my unemployment nap today. On unemplyoment you get three naps a day, it's in my contract. I am also house sitting for a yellow lab with bad hips. His named is Kola and he lets me know when he needs a walk, a treat, breakfast and every other need he has. But I seriously doubt he would even blink if a man came to the door asking, where all the white woman at? Tonight when I took Kola for a walk I saw a black cat, with a damn white line on his back. That's a strange looking kitty, oh holy crap it's the skunk. Kola wanted to play with the skunk but couldn't becasue I was running very fast with the other half of his leash back to the house. I told you I smelled a skunk.
I went to the Comedy Store tonight and went on around 10:15pm for those of you playing at home. I had fun and talked to the audience. There was a cute grandma in the crowd that I'm sure every other comedisn talked to, but I just ouldn't resist making a sophia Patrillo comment to her. I hugged her after my set; A thing most other comedians don't do! Ask around.
Tomorrow after I drop my mom at the airpot (she is going to the tundra) I plan on sending out dvd's to some companies who represent Christian comedians. If that gets boring I guess I can go look for the skunk.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Help You Help Me

I want to blog, I really do. It's not working out for me though. Damn those technical people with the power who are smarter than me. Damn, damn, damn.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Come See a Show

8:00pm MONDAY
FROM S.D. & L.A.
Rosie & Joe’s
Grill & Cantina
7986 Armour St.
One block south of Balboa.
Bet. Convoy & Hwy 163

Enjoy great food, drinks & COMEDY
For Info, Call 858-277-5777

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Spot of tea Gov'na?

LONDON (AFP) - One in four women in Britain say they get more pleasure from cleaning house than having sex, a survey for Good Housekeeping suggests.
The proportion was even higher among under 35-year-olds, with 40 percent happier to tidy their homes than make love, said the householders' magazine in its latest edition, published Wednesday.

The poll of 1,000 women gave other insights into cleaning habits.

Four out of 10 women said they felt guilty relaxing when the house was untidy, although 60 percent admitted the only time their home got a really good clean was when guests were coming to stay.

A further 26 percent said they gave the impression they had cleaned up by stuffing objects into cupboards and drawers.

"Women are forever battling with domestic guilt, and perceptions of clean and tidy vastly differ from household to household," observed Good Housekeeping editor-in-chief Lindsay Nicholson.

*********** In a related Story**************

LONDON (Reuters) - Half of British fathers either continue to doze or pretend to be asleep when their babies cry during the night, making many mothers resentful, a survey released on Thursday shows.

In addition to the 52 percent of dads who do not get up with their wailing children, a further 22 percent only get up after their partner has already crawled out of bed.

The lack of support leaves six in 10 mothers feeling bitter toward their partners. Restless nights also mean 86 percent of mums prefer sleep to sex.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

The Lights Are on...and somebody's gonna get in trouble!

My parent live in an old house. Well, old by California standards I guess. Their friend built it and I don't think he really knew what he was doing. Like when I perform surgery, I just really shouldn't be practicing medicine. In the last week at the house there has been a major flood and now we are experiencing a lack of electricity (my mom swears that the locust are next.).
Some rooms have it some rooms don't. Then no rooms have it and my dad gets really upset. I don't blame him, I would get upset to, I have grown very fond of electricity. I use it every day, especially since I've been cyber stalking the cast from Sesame Street. Not the new cast, the old cast from the 70's when Sesame street was funny, oh wait I'm thinking of Saturday Night Live.
My dad had an electrician come out to the house; mostly because my mom made him. She gets nervous when dad fiddles around with his screwdriver and live electric current. The two just don't mix, like Dick Cheney and cheese curds, nothing but trouble.
The electrician said we had too many things running at the same time and the poor old house just wasn't built for so much excitement. Our house is over stimulated, we have to cut back on it's work load. My dad took heed and gave me and my mom the dad talk; "when you leave a room, turn out the light. If your not in the room turn off the television. If I need to be put on a ventilator don't run the toaster at the same time." I've heard it all before coming from a Scottish family, we are not what you would call lose with our wattage. It must be funny to see our house from the outside. You know exactly when someone leaves a rooms and enters it from the path of lights going on and off. You can't kid around with this stuff either, it's serious. When I came home tonight from the Comedy Store I dropped my stuff off in the family room and went to my room to turn on my computer. That's when I heard, "who the hell left the light on in the family room?" I quick ran out to explain it was my mom, but he wasn't buying it. So now if the power goes out again in the next 6 years, it will be because I left the damn light on in the family room for 2 minutes. On a bright note it will be light in just 6 hours and we won't have to think so much when leaving a room.

Today was also the day I walked 15 miles! It took 4 hours and I ate 2 pj sandwiches, a mini twix bar, cheese and crackers and a power aide drink. I can justify eating anything as long as I am walking. It's so awesome because it cancels all the calories out. Like I care about calories; I'm the one who in known to have Dr. Pepper and Snickers bars for breakfast. You noticed I said Dr. Pepper and not pop. I am acclimating back to southern California, Dude.

Carb Loading

On October 1st I will walk 20 miles for breast cancer. I won't get breast cancer if I walk that far, it's to raise money for it. It's not just 20 miles for one day; it's for three days. 60 damn miles! I read in on the walk web site that we are suppose to be carb loading before the walk. Donuts are carbs, right? I know it is still 3 weeks away but I'm really working the whole carb thing and I'm really good at it. I'm going to walk to Sea World tomorrow, I have 2 peanut butter sandwiches ready to go and know of at least 3 Dunkin Donuts on my route.

I went to the Comedy Store tonight, fresh from Minnesota. It was so cool because I got to go up right away so the crowd was still fresh and willing to laugh; all 12 of them. 12 is a good number, Jesus knew what he was doing. The crowd seemed to enjoy hearing about cheese curds and deep fried Twinkies and I enjoyed enlightening them.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Jet Setter

I've been from St. Paul to San Diego to lovely Pasadena in just 2 short days. I am a jet setter. Within half a day, if you had the money you could be in Ireland drinking tea with some brown bread with that good Irish butter slabbed all over it. We live in a mobile age. We are constantly on the go.

That is of course unless your fuel pump goes, then your just screwed.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning so I could drive to Pasadena and audition for the Las Vegas Comedy festival at the Ice House Comedy Club. The night before I looked up the directions to the Ice House using Yahoo Maps. The fine people at Yahoo promised me an hour and 40-minute trek up a few freeways. Easy Peasy. Like taking candy from a baby. New Math kind of easy. The damn LIARS! Four hours and losing 3 quarts of liquid from sweating in the awesome 100 degree weather I arrived at the Pasadena Ice House. At first glance, the club looked closed. The blinds where closed and no comedians were hanging outside smoking and seeking attention from each other. I was just about to have a brain aneurism when I noticed the sign that said the entrance was in the back. Thank you sweet kind and merciful God.

It was dark and had air conditioning and the smell of desperate comedians filled the air. I filled out the forms that say I won't sue if I die on stage and was told I was on in 5 minutes. So much for taking my time to relax and go over my set. The comic who went on before me had been hot by a drunk driver years ago and only recently was out of his wheelchair. He was funny but hard to understand. I guess that is better than not being funny and really easy to understand. After he was done my name was called and I took the stage. Spotlights are particularly brighter at 10 in the morning than 10 in the evening. I looked out for a smiling face, a glimmer of hope and I saw one in a judge. I wished that we had gone to high school together and one day after school I had saved her life from a wild pack of dogs. Maybe vicious rabid Chihuahuas. She would have remembered this after not seeing me for over ten years and her gratitude would sway her to giving me a high score. But that didn't happen, so I just started telling my jokes.

There must be something in the water in Pasadena because those people just started at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. I saw on their faces smiles and open mouths, but I heard nothing. I didn't panic but in my head I did start to think about how when you are a farmer you never get rejected from your livestock. I bet llama farmers have the highest self esteem in the world. Every morning they wake up and the llama have come to them for food and love. Never judging them or frowning at them. Just loving them for what they provide for their existence.

People did laugh; don't get me wrong. But when you know that a joke gets laughs pretty much every time and now your just hearing the guy who use to be in a wheel chair breathing, it tends to throw even the most seasoned entertainers off their game. The judge who I didn't rescue from a pack of rabid Chihuahuas gave me international wrap it up sign so I ended with my Fargo Phone Sex joke, but what do people in Pasadena know about Fargo, much less phone sex. I got off the stage and collected my bag and walked out of the club - I then walked right back in because my bladder is that of an older man with a bad prostate. On the way out of the bathroom my judge lady caught my eye and said, "you did goo... well" Thank you? I knew she was about to say good job but decided "well" was a more accurate description. So close, yet so far. I went and got advice for the best freeway to get home. Really I was just savoring my time in the dark and cool club. I wasn't about to get back in that car for another four hours without the sweat from the first trip dry.

Back in the parking garage I called home to check in while starting my car; excuse me, attempting to start my car. It would start, cough and die. It was the locust I was expecting. I said a little prayer to the patron saint of old dying ford explorers and turned the key. It started and I gunned it for a few glorious feet until it died again. This happened for about 10 minutes. I called my dad and he had really good advice, "take it to a service station Jewd." That's why he gets paid the big bucks.
I could see a 76 station down the street, so I gunned it and prayed I would not stall on the main drag of Pasadena.

A guy came out right away and asked if he could help me. Yes, I am unemployed, single, I just bombed on stage, my car won't stay on and I want my mommy! He was an older Middle Eastern man (is that politically correct?). But his nametag said, Michael. That's not a real typical name for you're every day run of the mill middle Easterner. It is for a Mid-Westerner, but not so much in the East. "Hi can you please tell me if I will die a horrible death on the freeway if I attempt to drive this car home to San Diego?" He too looked at the lobsters crawling out of my ears. He said it sounded like the fuel pump. "That's a major thing to fix", he said. Thanks Michael, Happy St. Patrick's Day to you. He sent me to a garage down the street, to see Sean, no doubt part of an elaborate fraud scheme. I prayed the car all the way to the garage and meet Sean. You guessed it; Sean was also a Middle Eastern man. There is either a surplus of garage shirts with Irish names or these men's parents picked up BBC on their cable boxes.

So I told Sean that I needed to know if I could drive home without being horribly killed. "Sure we can tell you that, it's just $73 for an diagnostic test." Highway robbery I think the term is called. So I went upstairs to their waiting room and spent 2 hours reading People magazines from 2001 and 2002. Finally I was called downstairs to talk to the Irish guy. It was like when you bring someone into the emergency room at the hospital and they are rushed off into surgery. I had to give an oral OK for them to perform the life or death surgery. He said it would be $432; just like at the hospital, I don't care how much, I just want it to live.

Two hours later I am back on the 210 freeway, $400 dollars lighter, my temperature gauge says 108 degrees and I'm starting to think that perhaps the winters in Minnesota are not so bad after all. Maybe I'll try to find a llama farm on the way home.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004


vacuous \VAK-yuh-wus\ adjective

1 : emptied of or lacking content
*2 : marked by lack of ideas or intelligence : stupid, inane
3 : devoid of serious occupation : idle

This is not a cry for help, it was just my word of the day on my email. I was going to try to sound smart and use it, but it was easier just to copy and paste it. So maybe you can use it today, for me. Then tell me about it so I can feel smart and not so, um, what's the word.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Labor Day and Me

I am unemployed.
I applied for unemployment benefits.
I should be washing dishes or digging ditches somewhere.
I should be working.
I read Studs Terkel in college;
I went to college!
I am an entertainer. Entertainers are supposed to be on unemployment, I think I read that in a book somewhere.
I am unemployed.

In 5th grade I got a D in poetry, go figure.

Sandra Bullock

My trip to Minnesota started with a huge dose of self-esteem. A giant hypodermic needle of it right to the upper thigh. The waiter on the plane, or whatever they preferred to be called now, kept starring at me. He said,"I know I've seen you before." He came back again to collect my $10 for my box lunch of a gas station sandwich. "Who do people say you like like? Is there someone who people mistake you for?" I was about to tell him people always get me and my mom mixed up on the phone when he shouted, "Sandra Bullock! You look like Sandra Bullock!" I quickly gave him a high five and told him he was my new best friend. The man seated next to me turned to see if the waiter knew what he was talking about. I let them know that this wasn't the first time Sandy and me had been mixed up. It has happened twice before and both times my self-esteem was off the charts. When the waiter would pass by he would wink and say, "hi Sandy, don't tell my wife I've been talking to you." Yes sir, your "wife". Be assured that your "wife" has nothing to worry about, if she even exists. So Lance or Keith (I forgot his name) put me in a great mood, I felt pretty. Who knew that would just scratch the surface of my high self esteem week.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

I'm baaaaaaaaack

I am back from the tundra....long blog to follow.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Breast Wednesday

Sorry, but breast Monday was a no show. Laverne and Shirley are fine! The Scott Peterson cells checked out ok and the surgeon said I could have it removed if I wanted, but I don't have to and to tell you the truth I've grown attached to it being attached to me.
My friends threw me a SURPRISED! YOU GOT LAID OFF party last night and the highlight was the gift of a Skip Frye surfboard!

I am off to Minnesota today I will come back with an accent and lots of new material I am sure!

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome in cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret!

We saw Cabaret at the Moonlight tonight...had no idea it was the feel good musical of the century! OK not really, dancing Nazi's just don't do it for me. Now dancing Communist, yes, that works but dancing Nazi's?

Just Sunday for the Comedy Store this week, I will be in Minnesota on Wednesday and Thursday. My buddy Mark is letting me borrow his camera so I can make a movie about my Fair experience. Did you know you could buy deep fried lard there? Guess what my family's getting in their Christmas stockings this year? Not just lard, deep-fried lard. This will also be my first trip to the Mall of America. Oh happy day, now I will be a real woman. I can't wait to be consumed by consumerism. If Mother Teresa liked retail, she would totally be at the Mall of America 24/7.

Things to look forward to:

Monday is breast day.

Tuesday is happy fun day with the Native Americans.

Wednesday I can official apply for unemployment and I get to fly to Minnesota.

Thursday and Friday will be a fun adventure around the tundra that is Minnesota.

Saturday I get to see lard being deep-fried and a Prairie Home Companion (not at the same time).

Sunday I'll hang out with my pal Jess until I have to get on the plane where I will then write comedy about how horrible the food is and how I only get one peanut, what's up with that?

Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome in cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret!

Friday, August 27, 2004

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Still waiting for my biopsy report. It seems anyone who is capable of reading my test results (which have been in the office since Wednesday) took the day off. Isn't that special? This means Monday will really be another Breast Blog.
Last night after fellowship about 10 of my friends came to the Comedy Store. I always get nervous for the first timers who are not use to the words some of my fellow comics use. It was a really good set and it made me want to be a stand up comedian when I grow up.
Peace in the mid west!

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

I could have danced all night

Well we were not ditched there was just a communication glitch tonight so I went down to the La Jolla Comedy Store for my set. I got there at 8 pm to a sold out crowd, cool! Looked at the lineup, I was last, not so cool! I stayed though and was going to be a trooper, because this is what I want to be when I grow up, but it just got worse and worse. Around 10:30 the crowd thinned out to around 20. With 4 comics to go before me there was a group of 6 on one side and a group of 3 on the other. I don't know what happened but the group of 6 flipped over their table and glasses went flying and broke. This was comedy! I thought long and hard and came to the realization that I would go home. With 2 comics left before me and 5 people in the audience (not counting fellow comics) I threw in the towel. I told the manager my parents hugged me enough when I was little and didn't need anymore-unnecessary attention. Now I am home and wondering why I left. I guess I should have stayed and told jokes to 5 angry people. Would it have helped me be a better comedian? Would the people have laughed? I don't think my Pro Catholic set would have gone over very well. Would Jesus have gone on? Probably. Judy didn't, but she'll be back Thursday night.