Sunday, October 31, 2004

Boo, I scared you, I think you pooped your Pants

I feel much better about the DMS and do you know why? Do you know why I am no longer nervous about appearing on television? It's because I survived the Whaley House! The Whaley house is an official haunted house (so says the state of California and the kids I freaked out). Legend has it, as well as a docent dressed like a character out of the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, that one of the ghost that inhabits the Whaley house is fond of touching your hair and face whenever she feels like it. She is a ghost that doesn't understand boundaries. Getting to the part where I freaked out the kids, I simply saw a junior high kid who had a very bad blond bowl haircut. He and his friends were looking into the baby's nursery when I walked by and blew really hard into the back of his head. I am so naughty. Right away he looked at his friend and looked really scared. My sister friend Tess overheard him asking his friend if he had touched his head and how he heard one of the ghost touches you. I am so naughty. So for the rest of his life this sad clown boy will remember this night as the evening he had an encounter with a groping poltergeist. I buy my naughty pills in bulk at Costco.

Tonight encore SNL had a special musical group: The Folksmen! It's the dudes from Spinal Tap who went on to be in a Mighty Wind. I love those guys!

Friday, October 29, 2004

Burbank or bust

A few weeks ago while waiting in line in the rain for the Laugh Factory open mic a crew from the Dennis Miller show interviewed us. We all did our shtick and tried our best to act like we didn't think it was the coolest thing in the world to be interviewed. As they were leaving one of the producers said out of the 18 of us, one would be getting the chance to perform a one minute set on the Dennis Miller show.
Well all of my mom's rosaries finally paid off because today I got a call to come to NBC studio's next week and do a set on the show...Holy cow! Are you kidding me?

This is almost as cool as this is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to not explode until Friday.

I already have an idea of what material I want to do, it's so weird just to do one minute of material. I am so use to a half hour show or even just ten minutes, one minute is going to be a challenge but one I am willing to tackle. It's going to be so cool to be in front of a "live studio audience", the dead one's really creep me out. Hopefully the guys I drove up and waited in the rain with at the Laugh Factory can come to the taping. They are great guys and funny comedians who will help me represent the "San Diego Comedy Van".

What to wear...what to wear? I am not going to wear a tube top though. My mom said no.

Monday, October 25, 2004

It's coming!

I have a tickle in the back of my throat, I sneezed 45 times today, either I am allergic to my new underwear or a cold is near. It's like a bad horror movie, this oncoming cold of mine. Waiting in the wings, stalking me, waiting to pounce. All I have to do now is to wait for the suspenseful music and run upstairs instead of out the door.

I hope it does not attack me tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day that I promised my mom a very big favor. I said I would take the dogs to a picnic in Fallbrook with her, A picnic where dogs and their owners dress in similar Halloween costumes.
Oh death, please come quickly!
I plan on wearing the Seeing Eye dog harness my friend Megan gave me in High school and putting the sunglasses on Mac so I could be his Seeing Eye person. I wish I still had my video camera so I could truly capture the wonder that is pet and people dress up picnics. This is exactly what Jesus had in mind when He came to save us, I'm just sure of it.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

I need a venue

I had a great 6 minutes of being funny tonight. I did all Jesus jokes. Have you heard the one about when Jesus walks in a bar? I haven't, my Jesus set isn't like that.

I want to get out and do more comedy but I am finding a very big hindrance, I don't know where to go. I can only go to the Comedy Store three nights a week.

I tried the bus depot, but the bums kind of all ready have their list of who can get stage time and there is no arguing with them, they're crazy. No really, they are CRAZY!

I tried to do my set at the rest home in Vista but they kept scheduling on me on banana pudding day and you can't get those people to look up from their banana pudding for nothing!

Tomorrow I am going to discount tires, because I know there will be at least 6 people who won't be going anywhere for a while that will have to listen to me because they are not going anywhere for a while!

So hurry up and book me for your child's baptism, office party, donkey parade or fondue party. I'm serious people, don't make me go back to the bus depot.

Grease is good food

It was a gamble I know. Going 2 for 2 at a Chinese buffet is a rare occurrence and it did not happen for me. My sister and I went to that happy fun Chinese buffet out by the mall (that's not a good sign to begin with), It was really good until I started paying attention to how much grease I was consuming. I started getting that sweaty cold felling and it was not pretty. I tried to smooth my stomach with some ice cream but I should have known that never works, but I had to try. We then went over to the self esteem store, better know as Wal-Mart. Have you ever had to go open up the Rolaids in the store to eat them because if you didn't you might just have to lie down and die? It didn't help that people eat Big Mac's while they do their clothes shopping in Wal-Mart.

I made it home ok and got to watch Disney's Robin Hood with my nephews. I was very excited that they actually liked a movie that nobody dueled in and was not made in Japan. Don't get me go ahead I hate all the new Yugio type shows. They make my head hurt and give me seizures. Remember when people in Japan were getting seizures from watching cartoons? Now that's a good cartoon. It's like extreme television watching, very risky. With my distain for these new cartoons I have rekindled my love for the classic movies of my youth.

Bedknobs and Broomsticks: Angela Lansbury sings, need I say more! It won an academy award in 1971 for Special Visual Effects. No, the special effects had nothing to do with the fact that the Murder She Wrote star sang while sitting on a broom, rather that she took kids and the dude from Mary Poppins under water to a cartoon world. It's a 138 minutes that you'll never get back.

Here is the Plot Summary for another favorite from when I was but a wee lass, Snowball Express (1972):
"When John Baxter inherits a ski resort in the Rocky Mountains, he quits his job in New York and moves the family west to run it. Only to find that the place is a wreck. But together they decide to try to fix it up and run it. But Martin Ridgeway, who wants the property, does everything he can to ensure it will fail."
Can you picture it in you head? Doesn't it sound like the greatest movie ever! It was when I was 6, it was just brilliant and I would watch it every day when we got our very first VCR. Can you dig it?

Yet another Plot summary for a great movie called Gus (1976)
"The California Atoms are in last place with no hope of moving up. But by switching the mule from team mascot to team member, (He can kick 100 yard field goals!) they start winning, and move up in the rankings, Hurrah! The competition isn't so happy."

The only thing I have to say about this movie other than it totally got the shaft at the Academy Awards, is that Tim Conway plays a man named Crankshaft. What else do you need to know? It's a field goal kicking mule people!

They just don't make them like they use to!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

comedy van

I just got back from an all day comedy adventure at the Laugh Factory. After I sleep for a while I will write about it, but I just had to say that I had so much fun with Robert, Paul and Tim in the comedy van. I laughed, I cried, I learned about outside was a great day. Luckily for you it was captured all on film and will hopefully be on CNBC but I'll tell you about soon.
Long Blog to follow

Monday, October 18, 2004

zere one zero zero zero one!

Binary code is so hilarious!

For the last minute I have been trying to type on my notebook without my dog putting his face on the keyboard and messing me up. sdligcbsc [qs...damn it. Luckily that is my biggest problem facing me. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, hope in my soul and soap in my hole....wait, what?
I am looking forward to driving up to the laugh factory tomorrow. Tuesday is an open mic night. You can sign up at 5pm, but if you showed up at 5pm the list would be full. So you really have to get there around noon time. So from noon to Five you sit outside the club with the other comedians and wait. I think this business is a lot like the army: hurry up and wait. I'm very excited about the fact that it is suppose to rain all day too! This means I will be fresh for the 7:30pm show. It will be just like those Irish soap commercials. What's that soap called, Lucky Charms? No, no Irish Spring. It will be just like that commercial...except different.

The point of all this fun of standing in the rain, all the driving and the irish people is really for after the show. If the owner of the Laugh Factory see's you he will tell you what he thinks of you after the show. He won't say, "Hey you smell" or, "Hey I think you are a really snappy dresser." He will tell you what he thought of your set. If you are totally awesome he will invite you back for a showcase or he will just give you a sack full of money and make you queen of the comedians right there and then.

I will keep you informed untill then, zere one zero zero zero one!

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Comedy Death

I am watching my friend's four kids from Sunday morning to Monday and warned them that I had to go to the comedy store on Sunday night. They said no problem and it made for a good icebreaker to say I had to make it a quick set so I could get back to the kids I was babysitting, I said it was ok because only one was mildly retarded. Just kidding, he's full blown retarded. Sunday nights at the comedy store are so much fun I sometimes fall over with excitement. There were five people there when I walked in. Then I got over myself and remembered it was stand up comedy and not brain surgery (My brain surgery license had been revoked because of that thing that happened with the drifter) I then went back to see if the kids were alive and now I am going to go to bed. It's my birthday in half an hour; I hope the birthday fairy knows where to find me.

Tuesday I'm going to drive up to LA and do an open mic at the Laugh Factory. Hopefully there will be more than five people there.

The Comedy Store

Come laugh and have a two drink minimum Sunday and Wednesday of this week. The Comedy Store is in La Jolla on Pearl Street and the shows start at 8pm. See you there!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Dog Beach

I took the lads to Del Mar today to run around on the beach. What, did you have to work today? Sorry but you probably got paid for what you did, I did not. Since filling out my unemployment form out wrong I have no idea where my magic money has gone. But let's stay focused here. Because I have no money I was not about to pay $1.50 to park close to dog beach. Instead I parked 2 blocks away for free. Too bad the dogs are hyperactive pee machines that nearly ripped my arms off on the 2-block walk! Next time I will borrow the $1.50 and park close. Mac and Chewie (those are my dogs) like to race to see who is going to get to the water first. They like to drink the salt water because they know it will make them go slowly insane. Mac get's so thirsty that he begins to froth at the mouth and he looks like he has rabies. It's a funny joke we play when he chases me up and down the beach and I scream. We both get a big kick out of the whole thing. Good times. I made sure to run the hell out of them so the walk back to the car would be much smoother. As soon as we got in the car the lads fell asleep, so I drew on their faces with a black sharpie. Just kidding, it was a red sharpie.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Grey Goose

I'm Judy McDonald and I approved this blog.

OK is it grey or gray? Does it matter? I think it does, it's my new platform. Politics makes you age. I was flipping tonight and saw some show on PBS with both Bush and Kerry just a few years ago. They both had lovely salt free hair. Jump ahead a few years and look at the poor bastards. Even I can't escape the hairs that turn. Just this morning I had a talk with the 6 or so that won't die. I pleaded with them to leave no questions asked, but then someone walked by the bathroom so I quickly pretended I was talking to the dog. If I, an unemployed Stand up Comic can be under so much stress to sprout the unwanted hair is there hope for our Presidential candidates? We should have a contest to see how long John Edwards can go without turning. That is unless he is a hair dyer. We know John Kerry spray tans so I guess Edwards could go to the salon. We know Cheney does absolutely nothing to improve his looks and GW has skin cancer and I'm sure hairy ears.
Don't forget I will be at the Comedy Store tomorrow night. Call the store to see what time you can see me (858)454-9176

Peace in the Mid-West!

Monday, October 11, 2004

Save Face!

Have you ever looked at your face? I mean really examined your face. I have. Not your face, my face.

My photo shoot for my headshot is tomorrow and I notice my face changes a lot. You can see this in photos. I'm not talking about subtle changes over the years. In my photos my face changes in the same roll. My mom got pictures from the boob walk and of the 10 photos of me 5 were Sandra Bullock-like, 4 were Kathy Bates-like and one I looked like Chet Atkins (I have no idea what happened there). My point being I am very nervous that my headshots will look like me on a good photo moment.

I have also noticed on close examination of my face that my eyelids are drooping at an alarming rate. I calculate that by my 30th birthday my gigantic eyelids will blind me. My mom reassured me that health insurance would pay for a brow lift if you were legally blind from your skin I got that going for me.

Tonight was also my triumphant return to the YMCA. I take a BOSA boot camp were you basically jump up and down on a dome and follow the rhythmic gyrations of a lady who has zero percent body fat. We hate her. It was my first land locked exercise since the walk. I surfed the day after the walk but that doesn't count because I enjoy surfing. Exercise only counts went it's not enjoyable, that's how you know it's working. The YMCA was not enjoyable. I stayed in the back and half assed the whole thing. I wanted to leave very badly and just as I was about to the lady next to me picked up all her stuff and ran out. She beat me to it, damn her.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Wednesday at the Comedy Store

This week I will be at the La Jolla Comedy Store only on on Wednesday! Call the Store for reservations. Not if you have reservations about going but reservations to make sure they save you a seat.

Friday, October 08, 2004

You done lady?

I'm getting new headshots on Tuesday because my almost ten-year-old ones do not reflect the new Sandra Bullock in me. The old headshots are not even real headshot but from a photo shoot that I was in for an article in USD magazine. The photographer sent us an original 8x10 and we've been copying them ever since. Before that we paid some lady too much money when I was a freshman at USD to get a photo package. That was just sad. I was a bigger girl then, it looked like I had eaten Sandra Bullock. I now have about 489 of those sad photos around; I use to give them out as funny wrapping paper but it proved to embarrassing.

Since I am taking these new photos I have decided to try to slim down. So yesterday I was very good and drank a lot of water and ate fruit and good balanced meals. Today I was also very good even though we went out to an Italian (pronounced eye-talian) restaurant for lunch. I then worked on my show for tomorrow night and then when surfing. By the time I got to my sisters house I was sick of being good. So we piled the boys in the car and we drove to a Chinese buffet. Nothing says slimming down like a good portion of deep fried shrimp.

After we were eating for a while "Eric" our server boy came to clear our plates. He said, "YOU DONE LADY?" and took my sisters plate. Then he turned to my nephew and said, "BOY IS DONE!" and took Mikey's plate. Now that's what I call service. "Eric" scared me because he was a very forceful server boy. He sure did curb my appetite. So the plan for now is to drink more water and eat less buffets until Tuesday so I can be Sandra Bullock like in my photo.

I am watching the re broadcast of the second presidential debate and I must say John Kerry is funny. Not funny ha ha but funny like a dork. He insults Bush a lot and when you think Bush is going to insult him back he just stares and looks like he wants to hit him, it makes me laugh. I wish Kerry and Bush could just wrestle and get it over with. They both lie through their teeth but my boy wears a cowboy hat. The town hall format makes me angry too. If you get picked to ask a question on national television please do me the favor to rehearse your question and not read it from a damn index card. If you can't remember the damn question maybe you should not be in the town hall. It all makes me sick…or it could be the deep fried octopus.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Fun at the Mall

Have you ever gone to the mall on a Wednesday morning? If you like to watch old people, it's a senior lollapalooza! They are the grandpas and grandmas who henceforth shall be known as G&G's. There are G&G's who walk very SLOWLY looking at the store windows of the Fredrick's of Hollywood and Hot Topic. I'm sure in their heads they are saying something about the damn kids today and what they wear. I hope they are saying that and nothing about how they wish they could have more leather in their wardrobe.

There are the G&G's who walk around the mall at a brisk pace for their cardio work out. I like these G&G's because I too walk at a brisk pace.

I especially like the G&G's who can be seen in the forbidden realms of See's Candy and Taco Bell. They are eating all the naughty things their kids and doctors would scold them if they only knew. The are the rebel G&G's who know how to live it up.

Then there are the G&G's who sit on a bench and just stare. It's sad to see them just sitting there waiting till it's time to move and go home. The funny thing is they probably see me and think, oh look at that sad girl. She kind of looks like someone...a sad Sandra Bullock!

The person I feel the most pity for at the mall is the sad clown who works in a certain kiosk. It's called the creative crab and they sell hermit crabs. Can you imagine the comments that poor girl get's all day long? I can and it makes me giggle.

Monday, October 04, 2004

walk, walk, walk, walk and walk

My buddy Andy leaves in 5 hours to start his journey to Iraq. He is quite a Marine warrior and I'm very proud of him. We went surfing together today and that will have to hold him for four months. I hear there are no really good waves in Iraq this time of year so he will just have to fly his helicopter for fun.

I promised you tales from the walk, ok here it goes... we walked and walked and walked and ate and drank, peed and slept. It really doesn't get any more exciting than that.
I am very proud of my mom who walked along with me, my sister and 2,500 other people. For a 65 year old lady she kicks ass! Not literaly, as far as I know she has never kicked anyone's ass, but she certainly could. The first day was tough because we walked up two REALLY BIG HILLS. The second hill wasn't just big, it was long! It kept going and going and made us question why the heck we were walking. We walked twenty One miles the first day so by saturday morning lots of people looked liked they had just gotten off a horse. My feet exploded with blisters some time around saturday, but they really didn't bother me. The thing that bothered me that was my friend Jenny had no blisters! You cannot truly experience the 3 day breast cancer walk without walking with at least some discomfort. My mom also had huge blisters and was a sad clown but had a great attitude the whole time and refused to get swept by falling behind. My sister Amy and I also rekindleed our hate for people on the walk. I know that sounds horrible, but people really bug us sometimes. We especially hate the following people: People who sing cute songs that ryhme when they walk. People who are very happy at 5:15am. People who walk very fast up a big hill and pass you as you are dying. These people are the people who have a special place reserved in hell for them, right next to hitler and Martha Stewart.

Don't forget to go to come to Hennessey's Tavern tonight at 9pm for some comedy and a pint!
(760) 729-6951
2777 Roosevelt St
Carlsbad, CA 92008

Sunday, October 03, 2004

180 miles

So far I have walked 180 miles for breast cancer. What has breast cancer ever done for me? We just go tback from the walk and I am pooped. Tune back in tomorrow and I will tell you all about the ambulance ride, port a potties and blisters.

Tuesday October 5th
The venue is Hennessey's Tavern located at 2777
Roosevelt St, Carlsbad CA, 92008.
I will be performing 15 minutes as the opener. The
show starts at 9:00 and I'll be working with two very
strong (clean) headliners form L.A.
Call or email of you have any questions. Hope to see
you there!