Thursday, December 31, 2009

2010 Year in Review

I'm skipping past the year in review of 2009 and Im going to just let you know what happens in 2010.  2010 is really good for me, I'm not even gonna lie.  First of all I win the lottery and get run over by an Amtrak train all on the same day.  But don't worry, I settle out of court and let's just say in 2010 Mctraks run right on time.  The lotto win allowed me to finally buy my own place, one for each day of the week.  I finally bought everyone in my family new cars, mom, really loves her new Hummer and dad is all over town on his Vespa.  We make him wear a helmet, we have matching ones that I wear while I'm eating.

2010 also brought an opportunity to host my own late night talk show.  I declined the offer but kept the free t-shirt.

While on a trip to Ireland I fell down a hill and landed on my now fiance Dr. Seamus Patrick Sean Murphy.  He doesn't practice medicine anymore since he's so good at it.  We don't marry in 2010 because I told him I won't get hitched until he gets his handicap down.  Like I'd marry somebody with a 4 handicap, please, as if.

2010 also brought my 200,000 air mile which earned me the right to wear the pilots hat and 2 free refills on flights over 4 hours long as longs as no one has a bomb in their knickers.

Summer of 2010 was quite embarrassing.  While out for a late surf session a photographer from Sports Illustrated snapped a shot of me which landed on the cover which a major wash-board company president saw and signed me as there spokesperson.

The best part of 2010 in my opinion was my Oscar nominee for my portrayal as Michelle Obama, but that's another story, for another time.

Who'd a thunk it, little ole me?

2010 was a great year!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Spidey Senses

I don't know if God found a sale on spiders or what, but for the past week we have had a spider population explosion at our house. Our front walk way has hedges on either side, a perfect alleyway for spiders looking to catch a bug, a fly or a human in their web. You can hear when someone in my family forgets that they are there because a giant groan can be heard when the web hits their face.
I really don't mind spiders, they serve their purpose, they eat crawly things and without spiders there would be no Spiderman, just a man in tights and that's just weird.
What really got my Spidey Senses tingling was when I walked through yet another spider web on my way out to the movies last week.
Fast-forward 45 minutes, I am sitting in a darkened theater with my friends enjoying X-Men 3. My head itches. Hmmm, I used the special shampoo that was supposed to take care of that. It keeps itching right on top of my forehead. I didn't want to look like the crazy friend who scratches her head so much that she is forced to wear mittens, but I had no choice so I went to scratch and that's when I found it. As I scratched something went 'squish' between my fingers... I had found the source of my itch, I was playing host to a spider!
Mortified, I grabbed the flattened furry beast and flung it. Now in retrospect, I probably flung it onto someone else's head and caused them great distress but I panicked and in my defense I was severely traumatized. Why am I telling you about spiders? Well, because I am very lonely since my friends found out about my spider problem, and spider webs and sin have a lot in common.
In my life I see my sin as one of those spider webs I walk into from time to time. I hate when I walk into it, it feels gross and after I do it I swear I'm not going to be so stupid and walk through one again.
After I walk into a web I am very vigilant about where I walk, I leave the house like a crazy person with my keys out in front of me swinging violently to knock the webs down. It works for a while, but just like those sins in my life that I tend to repeat, after awhile I forget and walk right into one again. GROSS!
So what has this taught me? Well, since said spider incident I no longer use the front door where I know the spiders are. I now go around the back and that's the truth, it's not because my parents told me to because they are embarrassed by me.
And with the sin in my life, the ones I really struggle with, I try to avoid them all together. I once had a priest tell me a story while he was hearing my confession (He was an Irish priest. They love to tell stories). He said there was this man and everyday he walked down the same road and he fell in the same hole. This made the man pretty upset; I guess cause, really, who wants to fall in a hole. So each day he would try to go around the hole but he would still fall in. He would run really fast by it, but he would still fall in the hole. He would try to jump over it; but he would still fall in the hole. Seemed no matter what he did he would fall in this hole. That is until one day the man walked down a different road and guess what? No hole.
What is a sin that you seem to "walk into" over and over again? If your reading this and you don't have one I would just like to take the opportunity to say, "Cool! Jesus is reading this! Hi Jesus, I love you!"
We all have webs of sins in our lives. Jesus gives us the strength to walk new paths around. If you haven't gone to confession for awhile, what are you waiting for? Jesus knows that from time to time we mess up and walk through those webs and he is ready through the sacrament of reconciliation to wipe those webs off and say, "What web?"
Now if that doesn't get your Spidey Senses tingling I don't know what will.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

A Letter to the Pope Pusher

Dear lady in the red jacket who pushed the Pope,

Really?  I mean, really?  You pushed the Pope?  He's 82, what were you trying to prove? Are you bummed about Notre Dame football?  And, twice in a row you bum rush my Holy Father on Christmas Eve?  You have some nerve. Are you the jerk that also steals baby Jesus' out of neighborhood Nativity scenes?  Well listen up coo coo clock, the Pope won't be bullied. We believe in turning the other cheek but we also believe in free weights and eating a lot of protein.  All I'm saying is that don't try to push the Pope again because he'll be ready.  I've offered him my services and by Lent he'll be sporting a six pack.
Your worst nightmare,
Judy "the Pope's trainer" McDonald
P.S. you owe a certain cardinal an apology and a new hip.

Monday, December 21, 2009


It's almost Christmas time and you know what that will be legal to say MERRY CHRISTMAS! But please remember you may only utter these words on Christmas and to those who you know will not be offended.  Those who get offended by said phrase have never actually been seen but they do exist and are angry and offended and you should buy them a puppy if they spot you in a Christmas sweater.  You have been warned, God speed.

Friday, December 18, 2009

People I am praying for:

Instead of getting angry at people, a wise person once told me to pray for them instead.
  • Those who live where it is not 78 degrees like it is here today. Move all ready, you know during winter it's going to snow, that's why they call it winter and not sunny happy summer time.
  • People who circle the gym parking lot for 20 minutes looking for a spot close to the door so they don't have to walk far but then get inside and walk 20 miles on the treadmill.
  • People who's legs are whiter than mine...I blinded a flock of seagulls whilst on the golf course yesterday and three of them died after crashing into trees.
  • Whoever thought of the new Levi Strauss commercials, "Pioneers, oh pioneers." I think they need a hug, or a slap.
  • Those who have never smelled puppy breathe and walked away a better person, puppy breathe is an untapped resource for world peace.
  • Doctors without borders, I hope they find them soon and respect them.  They are there for a reason.
  • Alec Baldwin, who says he is walking away from acting in 2012 because he is bored with it, I pray he doesn't think politics will fill the void.
  • The people who take the McRib off the menu.  I think we are all in agreement, people love, "when the McRib is back".  So just leave it on the menu and sustain the love year round.  This counts for the shamrock shake as well.
  • All the kids in the Gap commercials who will one day grow out of their "cutness" and will grow old, alone, bitter, wearing terribly out of date horribly small Gap sweaters from their commercial.
  • know why.

Friday, December 11, 2009


Finally, the recognition I deserve! I made it into Forbes magazine.  OK, Forbes life, ok, the website, ok, the article is not about me but John Havens but I'm in the picture right next to him on the rowing machine...close enough.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

111,646 Miles

I am home after a few months of scary motel rooms, Hog farms, giant conference and tiny parishes.  At last check my air miles for this year added up to 111,646.  Not bad for a girl from Vista.  Still not enough apparently to be upgraded on one of that longest flights of my life.  For some reason the Newark to San Diego flight can never be tamed with all the Benydryl, in flight movie or pretzels in the world.  After sinking into my 7F seat and an hour into the flight I began to accept the fact that I was not going to get bumped this time.  So I settled into my personal space in my row next to the very tall man in the middle seat and next to him an airline employee that I figured is an insomniac and can only soothe himself by riding airplanes at night for free.  I started out by reading the book "Up in the Air" on my kindle.  I'm trying to hurry this one up because it's a George Clooney movie that is coming out soon and I can't see it with only reading half because I wouldn't finish it after seeing the movie, I just know me.  But after reading a few more chapters I get mad because the character gets bumped to first class all the time whilst I sit in 7F.  7F is like second place for a frequent flier.  I know those people in rows 1 through 6, they are no better than the person in row 35 seat A.  Certainly no better than 7F.  I know the look they give me as I walk past them because I gave it on my last flight to the second place losers who did the walk of shame past the blue curtain and into second class citizenship which is coach.  If you are sitting in coach and want a blanket the attendant (who does not like to be called a waitress) will explain to you that since the swine flu has become such a problem blankets are now a health concern because of germs, sorry.  What they forget to say is that if they washed their blankets more than once a month it wouldn't be a problem but washing blankets is expensive and the dollar we charge you for your headphones to the direct TV that is installed but not working doesn't cover the cost of you snuggling up to your paper thin diseased ridden blanket.
If you are sitting in first class and ask for a blanket the waitress will excuse themselves, go to a special closet where silk worms are kept specifically to make your blanket and unveil a brand new blanket that is shrink wrapped and under lock and key.  And if a passenger from coach even looks at your blanket before you get it, the blanket is promptly burned and you are given a new one.
Back to 7F.  I fell asleep but awoke just in time to see the jolly green giant next to me spilling his water in my lap.  So refreshing!  I then saw a cute scene, the flight man attendant (is that proper terminology?) was walking backwards as he assisted a grandma into the bathroom.  He was very patient and made sure he was inside and and then he shut the door and left.  He went to get the drink cart and started delivering drinks while grandma Moses just hung out in the John.  I thought for sure he would have the lady stewardess take over for a while as he went to go rescue grandma from the John but he never did!  Finally I rang my call button and he shot a "coach look" at me which says, I don't get paid enough to help you if you are choking but you could be Sandra Bullock and are accidentally flying in  coach so I'll come help you this once but it better be good.  I looked at him and said, "You left the grandma in the bathroom!"  He rolled his eyes and went to the bathroom and put his ear against the door (which is way grosser than using a coach blanket) and threw his hands up in the air.  I guess she wasn't ready to come out since he heard no signs of life.  He walked by 7F making sure not to make eye contact and went back to serving drinks.  All I could think of was the sad grandma being too short and weak to open the door and sitting back down or worse yet being thrown back onto the toilet during turbulence and accidentally hitting the flush button and being sucked out over one of the middle states.  Trapped in the window seat I did the only thing a good Catholic girl could do and asked Jesus to help the grandma out.  I said she could borrow my angel for awhile if she needed.  As soon as I did that he went back and like a fireman rescuing someone trapped in a burning building opened the door and helped her out.  I was so glad she was standing when he found her and not stuck halfway in between the plane and over a cornfield. I fell back asleep knowing that the grandma was OK and if all went right she would make it to San Diego to see her family or her Marine recruiter.

Then a very strange thing happened, I was startled awake by turbulence but more than that a smell.  I had smelled that scent before.  Let's just say 7F is a row back from the middle lavatory and maybe after 3 hours into this flight and 5 other flights today it had finally revolted and was done.  Every time the door would open people in the first few rows of coach would put their heads further down into their pillows, sweatshirts or if he smelled OK, their neighbors arm.  Like a seasoned detective going into a crime scene I reached for my childhood friend, my 3 oz container of Vicks.  I slabbed some into my nose and for awhile I escaped "the smell".  But after awhile it just smelled like a mixture of Vicks and "the smell".  With a time check I saw the I only had 3 more hours left in the flight.  No problem, I will use this time as a kind of redemptive suffering.  What would Mother Teresa do in a situation like this?  She rescued people from the slums and no doubt it smelled much worse than this.  I can do this, I can...not do this!  I'm going to explode, I am not Mother Teresa, I will never move to India, I need fresh air, I need to breathe, I hate flying, I hate coach, I should be up there in first class, I have enough miles, who do these people think they are sitting in MY SEAT?
And then I remembered or rather my exhausted Guardian Angel reminded me, I had loaded a full season of Golden Girls on my ipod before I had left.  I calmly shoved more Vicks up my nose assumed as much as a fetal position as I could in my 7F home and watched 2 hours and 45 minutes of Blanche, Sophia, Rose and Dorothy until we prepared the cabin for landing.  Upon touch down in San Diego I made a promise to myself.  "I am not flying again until 2010 and when 2010 comes and it's time to fly again, I will not fly without nose plugs, my Snuggie, Horse tranquilizers and depends!"