Tuesday, March 29, 2005

H20 fun

For the past two weeks I have been taking a new class at the YMCA. It's called H2O exercise and I am the youngest one in the class by at least 50 years. I really love being in the water and I must say my self-esteem has been though the roof. I recommend it to anyone looking to feel as though they can swim really fast (when being compared to an elderly grandma with an oxygen tank).

Once again I ask that you don't judge me, I don't get out much.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Hey You!

Why don't they show more reruns of Hart to Hart on television? Now that's a good show, a crime solving billionare and his wife. That is a show I can really believe in and relate to.

How was your Easter? Did you find eggs? Having ADD I am allowed to hide my own eggs and I must say I did a very good job this year; I'm still missing 5 but we should find them by summer.

I leave Friday morning for Colorado. Comedy, Comedy, Comedy. So much fun and so good for you to. I've lost 21 dress sizes since starting on my comedy diet. What's a comedy diet you might ask? Well, I don't know I forgot when I was hiding the eggs.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Blood for Ink

It happened again today, the thing I dread most. My printer was out of ink!

I really hate going to the store for ink because it's a normal thing to hate, like clowns, spiders and the cotton found in Aspirin bottles.

The number one reason I hate going to the store for ink is the cost. Why is printer ink so expensive? Are we importing our ink from the Middle East? They sell the colors individually because I guess there is a chance that you might use more light cyan before all your magenta runs out. Today I had to buy 5 different colors at $12.85 a color. My printer cost $99. If I would have had to buy the black cartridge I would have just been better off buying a whole new printer!

What I want to know is where is all this ink going? I just changed the cartridges at Christmas. I know for a fact that you can't drink the stuff with out getting really sick, so that's not it. Perhaps terrorist come in at night and siphon my ink as a part of their evil plot against the world. Or perhaps not. Either way I had to spend $69.23 today and my Scottish heart is just not ready for any more money to be spent! So don't look for any expensive Hallmark cards in the mail on your birthday, you'll get a heartfelt sticky note with a birthday greeting and you'll like it!

The worst thing about going to the store for ink is the people who work there. No offense to them, they actually have a job with normal hours and a cool uniform. I have encountered two sales associates I would like to tell you about.

#1 - I walk in to the store looking for ink.
Associate 1: Hello ma'am , can I help you find something today?
Me: Yes I need ink for my printer.
Associate 1: Sure ok just follow me.
Me: Ok Sparky
Associate 1: Ok, ma'am here is all of our ink, what kind of pen did you need to fill up?
Me: No, I need ink for a printer.
Associate 1: Oh, ok, follow me over to the printers.
Me: No no, I just need the ink for the printer, not a whole printer.
Associate 1: Look ma'am you need to help me help you. Please calm yourself and put the stapler down.

At this point I went and bought a new printer.

#2 I have been in the printer ink aisle for 3 hours. I am hungry and dehydrated and becoming disoriented.

Associate #2: Can I help you find some ink for your printer?
Me: Well, I don't think you carry the kind I need, I have been looking for 3 hours...
Associate #2: Here it is right here, it was right in front of you.
Me: I knew that...I actually work for Staples in their customer satisfaction department. Can I get your name son? You had a tone in your voice I didn't much care for, I'm going to have to report you, sorry. Have you seen Sparky?

Moral of the story?
Um, well, there isn't one. Stop searching for your life's answers at my blog and get to church!

Monday, March 21, 2005


No I wasn't on Letterman tonight; it was Sandra Bullock! We could have been separated at birth if my mom had a 12-year long labor. Great, I can't wait for Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous to come out; Press junkets, movie premiere, photo shoots it's enough to make me go back on all those medications that made me think I was Ally Sheedy.

Make it a Holy Week!

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Holy Transmission Batman!

Spending $2814.53 on my car's transmission almost did my old Scottish heart in. It pains me to spend any money especially on something as dumb as a little part which is essential to the running of my car! The following is a list of things I could have bought instead of a dumb old transmission:

The Best of Italy 14 day tour (airfare, hotel, transportation)

PowerBook G4

Sony PFM-42X1 42" Plasma Screen TV

Loet Vanderveen Trojan Horse sculpture

Enough food at Jack in the Box to feed a small country

Pride Celebrity 4 Wheel Electric Scooter (the kind grandma's use)

2814 packs of gum

Darn, I would have really liked that gum too.

Monday, March 14, 2005

hey buddy can you spare $2,800?

I am back from Hawaii and ready to deal with the real world and let me tell you the real world is DUMB! The night we got back my dad was really sick with more kidney stones. If I ever get those nasty things you better believe that I will be at the hospital getting pumped full of whatever drugs make me go night night. But my dad is bad to the bone and instead of the heavy drugs the doctor wanted to prescribe for him he said no thanks and is taking Tylenol until he can get in to see the doctor. I am tough but not like that, that's World War II tough. I'm more "Free Tibet" tough. I'll put the sticker on my car but the actual war part is too crazy for me.

The other dumb part about the real world is my car. Before we went to Hawaii we dropped it off because a funky light came on. Come to find out the funky light meant, "Hey Jewd, you need a new transmission, ha ha ha!" Who knew lights could be so mean. It's only going to cost $2,800 for a new transmission.

Good thing I am so rich.

Oh wait, that's Jessica Simpson, sometimes I get the two of us mixed up. Any way, besides the stand up comedy I'm thinking about picking up a paper route or maybe joining the circus.

If any of you have a spare $2,800 lying around give me a call. I don't want a loan. Just think of it as a donation; a donation to Jessica Simpson.

Sunday, March 06, 2005


I was feeling really good about my trip to Hawaii until I saw that there are Oahu Evacuation Maps for a Tsunami! Good thing I am bringing my mask and snorkel. The plane is only thing that makes me want to not go. Ever since I almost died on a flight coming back from Ireland, flying has not been my friend. I just don't trust planes over water. I get the feeling that they might want to make a crash landing and there would nothing to crash in to except a whale and water and it would become a splash landing. I know that you have a better chance of dying on the freeway in a car accident but that just makes me want to walk to the airport instead of driving there. As Woody Allen says, "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Thursday, March 03, 2005

S.W.A.T. 2 electric boogaloo

I am posting SWAT pictures from the raid last week, I hope you appreciate how dangerous it was for me to take these pictures, but I knew you would want to see them.
Your welcome.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Sunny and 72

Our last bit of company left today so now we are back to three people and two dogs, the house does seem empty. The good news is that today the sun was out and it was time to sit outside for a while and reintroduce my legs to the sun. I figure we should slowly bring the two back together before I blind people as I get off the plane in Hawaii with my whiteness. Some people witness but I whiteness. I am working outside today. Ok not working like some of you might "work" but my kind of work, fixing web sites, making phone calls, returning emails and cyber-stalking old vaudeville teams. Ok not really, I 'm not really fixing web sites.