Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Yard Art

The trick, I have learned, is that if your double wide trailer is not that big you can make it seem bigger by having more yard art than actual trailer. You see the seasonal yard art gives the illusion of more trailer. I heard Martha Stewart talking about it. It was her Cajun episode. I have it on TiVo if you want to borrow it. Sho nuff, slap your grandma I do.
BBJ signing off from Houma, LA

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!

For fun at my house on Thanksgiving we use the drum stick as a microphone and have "open mic night" in the kitchen.
If you think that sounds crazy, you should see what we do with the ham at Easter!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Parry Hotter

I just got back from seeing Harry Potter and let me tell you, I in no way feel confused about God now. I am confused about my feelings towards Hagrid though.
I like em tall dark and handsome and with really long beards.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Give Me A Head With Hair!

My nephew Mikey wanted me to fix his hair like a sumo wrestler and well, things kind of got out of control. Mikey's hair is getting long and he looks like every other southern California surfer kid now. But when Mikey's hair gets long enough he likes to curl it around his one finger and sometimes that creates a knot. Then his finger gets stuck in his curl that he made and he tries to get it loose by tugging on it which in turn pulls out a big chunk of hair. This is why Mikey is sporting a bald spot on the top of his head at age 5.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Math is Dumb

If Sally can paint a house in 4 hours, and John can paint the same house in 6 hour, how long will it take for both of them to paint the house together?
2 hours and 24 minutes
3 hours and 12 minutes
3 hours and 44 minutes
4 hours and 10 minutes
4 hours and 33 minutes

First of all Sally should not be painting the house to begin with, it's just gonna aggravate her sciatica. And like John is actually going to help Sally with any work around the house much less painting the whole thing! John was never right after hitting his head when he fell off that mechanical bull.

So the answer is, Sally should call the painter. See, math is dumb.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Thursday, November 17, 2005

My Transversus Abdominus Hurts

Don't make me laugh and watch out if I have to sneeze because I pulled a stomach muscle.
OUCH! I am pretty tough, I can take a pitch in the head to get on base if I have too.
I have broken vertebrae in my back twice.
I have ruptured my ear drum.
I have taken a bullet just like 50 cent, oh no wait, that wasn't me I'm thinking of a Lifetime movie.
All those things, a walk in the park compared to this stomach muscle thing, did I mention it hurts like a mother?!?
It happened yesterday when I was practicing my tennis serves. I served about two bucket of balls and then I must have tried to put a little bit too much mustard on my serve cause all I remember is that I felt and heard a rip. Now I'm no doctor (only need three more credits though, maybe I should look into that again) but I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing when you hear things on your body rip.
It actually doesn't feel that bad if I push in the muscle while I laugh but it does look rather awkward.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Don't Come To My House

Some friends visited me today and my dog Chewie wanted them to know how much he enjoyed having them in our house. So of course he showed the international sign for welcome by peeing all over the kitchen floor and on one of my friends bare feet. So you are all warned: Don't come over unless you have boots on.

I don't blame my dog for this, it's actually a great compliment. To be so excited to see someone you lose control of your bodily functions is way more flattering than imitation.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

It is Finished

My World Youth Day movie is finished and burned onto a DVD.

Now what am I going to work on every waking moment of the day?

Tomorrow my goddaughter, Anna Elizabeth Lewis gets dunked. No wait, baptized.

Skip Frye is the godfather so that makes me his...Godwife?

How very exciting for us all!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


I worked today starting at 10 am and now it's 1 am and I'm seriously considering going to bed. Who knew that working for more than an hour on stage could be so fun? My brain actually does hurt from thinking too much though, it's use to not exerting too much effort. My World Youth Day video is almost done, which is good since I show it on Sunday. The only problem now is burning it onto a DVD. It's over a half an hour long and that's a lot of gigs. Are you a computer geek and know what I am talking about?
I spoke at my alma mater tonight and it was good to be back. It was fun to be there and not have a paper or a test due the next day. It's actually a great place to be when your not paying $20,000 a semester to be there.
My kids are so getting golf clubs in their hands the minute they are born. Move over Tiger my kid needs to make a few billion to keep me living in the manner in which I think I deserve!

Monday, November 07, 2005


Tomorrow I have to vote. Some people say, "I get to vote", but I save that for Church.
I say, "I get to go to Church. "It's a Holy Day of opportunity." I wonder if Puff Daddy still says, "vote or die". That was his big thing last time when we voted for President. Probably Puffy doesn't really care too much for state and local government. Silly Puffy. Arnold called our house 2 nights ago and left us a message on the answer machine telling us how he thought we should vote. See, if Arnold said, "Vote or Die" I would be more inclined to because I have seen him in numerous movies and know he has the capacity to kill, with his shirt off I might add. I would not like to see him vote with his shirt off though cause he's not as solid as he once was. It's like seeing your uncle at a 4th of July party playing pool volleyball. When you see him in his regular clothes not so bad, but jumping up out of the water to spike the ball in his trunks is a whole different story. Clothes hide flab, which is why I'm glad we have them.

Vote yes on 234b to keep clothes on our Governor!

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I made my stand up comedy television debut on the Dennis Miller Show. Where has the year gone? All I know is that the Dennis Miller Show has come and gone but I'm still here. Jewd has staying power, tell all your friends.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

St. Jude, Pray for Us

When I arrived at gate 27A in the Atlanta airport the lady behind the desk had a panicked look on her face. The flight was booked beyond capacity and they were taking volunteers to go on the next flight. Normally I would say, "I don't think so" just like Fred Willard in 'A Mighty Wind' but they were offering a $200 voucher. Score! The only way I travel now is when people hire me to come and make milk shoot out of their nose by laughing or crying, depending if I'm funny or not. With the voucher I could afford to go somewhere I wanted to go! Well, not anywhere, but it would help with airfare and for once maybe I could have a little dignity and not purchase my ticket from
I marched right up to the counter and said I would volunteer my ticket. I then sat down and waited and watched CNN cause in Atlanta, that's the only station that any of the TV's get. Finally after everybody was seated and they could tell how many seats they needed my name was called. She looked at me and said, "that's ok, we don't need your seat." and handed me back my boarding pass.


No conciliation prize? I was willing to stay another 2 and a half hours in terminal 27A and eat Krystal burgers so some stranger could get on the plane and perhaps go hug their dying grandma one last time or get a good night's sleep so they could wake up early and be a judge in a very important court case in the morning and I get nothing for that? Not even an extra bag of peanuts or a high five?
I suppose when I am a big girl I will do things like that not for the $200 voucher but because it's the nice thing to do. I'm sure when Mother Teresa was picking up the dying in the streets she did not look around to see if anyone was watching so they could pat her on the back and give her a voucher. In fact she could not have cared less if anyone knew about what she did because she was Mother Teresa. But I guess that's why she is a saint and I'm just a comedian trying to get a $200 voucher.

Then in the back of my head I started thinking; maybe they didn't use your seat for a reason. Maybe something is going to happen on the plane and because I was sitting in 39A someone's head won't fall off or maybe a lady who is carrying her baby will trip and because of my cat like reflexes I would catch said baby and she would grow up to be president or the doctor who finds the cure for zits on your forehead on prom night.
But then I got on the plane and some lady was in my seat so the waitress, or whatever you call those people, said I could sit in 39F, the window on the other side. But then there was a husband and wife and 3 month old baby in that row and they asked if I wouldn't mind sitting on the aisle so the husband holding the baby could lean against the window. "Sure, no problem" I said, you know why? Cause I'm just like Mother Teresa, except different.

I didn't even tell you about the flight out to Atlanta! My show was done in Oceanside at 8:30PM so my mom drove like the wind (a wind blowing at max speed of 65 MPH) down to the airport. It was a 10:30PM flight and filled to capacity. This made me want to hurl when I saw that the dorks at had put me in a middle seat. This 4-hour plane ride to Atlanta was going to be my only sleep before I had to perform the next day and I cannot sleep in a middle seat. I always wake myself up cause I'm afraid I am doing that head bob thing when it rolls and you jerk. Or I'm afraid that I'm going to fall asleep and wake up leaning in some stranger man's armpit with drool coming out of my mouth. Plus middle seats are just stupid because no one ever knows who those arm rest belongs too.
So I said a little prayer to my patron Saint (Saint Jude Patron of Desperate Cases) and approached the podium. Before I even said anything the lady said, "no seat changes, full flight". I mustered all my dignity and said, "Oh, I was just wondering what movie was being played on the flight."
I'll show you lady behind the counter with all the power!
I then smiled and said, "well I was also wondering if is there a list I can be put on in case some has explosive diarrhea and can't make it on to the flight?" She smiled and put my name down. A minute later she called my name and handed me my new boarding pass, Bulkhead window! That's like every coach travelers dream. That's that seat behind first class next to the exit, your own TV on the wall, the bathroom and the waitress station. So not only are you the first to get out if the plane crashes in the ocean but you also get first snack packs and first in line for the bathroom!
We take off and I put my travel pillow behind my neck, plug in my headset to watch "Bewitched" (at least it would help me sleep) and I'm just nodding off when two guys bring this man up into my personal leg stretching space! They lay him down and he curls up right on my feet. An announcement comes over the speaker that if a doctor is on board could they please come up to the man writhing in pain on the floor. Now if Mother Teresa were in this situation she would have ripped off the travel pillow from behind her neck and gave it to the man on the floor and comforted him and assisted with anything they needed.
Once again, my name is Jewd not Mother Teresa.
I did move my feet and refrained from kicking him in the head, so I'm on my way to sainthood I guess. Turns out the poor guy got really dizzy and stood up and passed out on the guy next to him who thought he was having a seizure. The doctors on board checked him out and ruled out a seizure and thought maybe it was a food allergy or he was diabetic. Whatever it was they suggested he stayed where he was, lying down, on my feet. Eventually he did sit up and sat in the chair next to me. I felt bad for him because it was embarrassing but what a thrill for him to sit next to me! In the end I slept for about an hour and got into Atlanta around 5:50 in the morning and stayed up and performed and hosted a stage all day. I finally got to sleep Saturday night around 3AM but because of day light savings got an extra hour of sleep.
I was functioning quite nicely on an hour of sleep I thought.
All the bunnies that were talking to me agreed I handled everything very well.