Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The View from Vista

I'm back from house sitting in Laguna Beach! It was fun swimming in the cove with the fish and sea lions and going to bed with the sound of the ocean but now I'm Vista. Vista which means view, but I ask you, what view do I have in Vista? From my one window I see our "upstairs" neighbors. They have about 78 people living in their house along with a few pit bulls and some chickens. They are our loud naughty neighbors that make my parents want to move. Out my other window I see the greenhouses. These green houses grow a plant called the Bromeliad. It is 30 acres of greenhouses that use cancer causing chemicals. We think they are the reason my mom, dad, sister, all of our dogs and a spattering of neighbors have had cancer. Happy happy joy joy. So don't buy broeliads because all your doing is inadvertently giving me and my dogs cancer.

Tomorrow we register for the 3 - day breast cancer walk. We walk 20 miles a day for 3 days until we all fall down and die. This is my third year of walking and every year I never think I am ready. In fact this year I think I might just fall down within the first mile and let the sweeper van pick me up. Really I find no shame in being picked up in the loser van and being brought to the camp. I already raised my money and it goes to cancer research if I walk or not. I suppose I will walk though because whatever does not kill me just gives me material.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Pumpkin Seeds Make the World Go Round

First off I have to just say that I had my first pumpkin sighting today and it made me so happy. Now before you try to schedule an intervention for me (again) just hear me out. The first pumpkin sighting of the year is very exciting for me because it means pumpkin seeds. I never loved Halloween for the candy, because you can get candy when ever the hell you want if you're smart about it. But pumpkin seeds were and still are very special to me. My mom would bring home the poor pumpkin for me to carve and I would proudly announce that the pumpkin was about to get a lobotomy. I was weird even then. After we would scoop out the entrails and clean them off she would add a pound of butter and some salt and I would eat those pumpkin seeds within the hour. When I was smaller I could only do this about three times before I got so sick I couldn't look at a pumpkin without turning a bit green, I am proud to say as an adult I can easily go through about 6 pumpkins before I have to quit. It's a big thing when I see the first pumpkin of the year it brings back childhood memories, makes my mouth water and my arteries harden. Stay tuned for the pumpkin count this year; maybe I'll break 10!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Help Me I'm Lost

I was so excited to watch a new show tonight on ABC. Really, I was excited; I don't get out that much. You guys think I'm just being funny, but really, I get excited when I watch TV. Tonight I watched the new show "Lost". I tuned in about five minutes after eight and everyone was already crashed on an island. All I know is that the dying brother from "Party of Five" must have gotten better and went to medical school cause now he's a doctor. He's not even a good doctor because he can't stitch himself up because his arms are too short. He does seem less annoying than he was before, cancer and medical school must have straightened him out. It seems like a really good plot until an invisible dinosaur shows up and starts eating people. Don't people in Hollywood know anything! You can have a great show about people trying to survive on an island without the island being Jurassic Park. It's just like the movie "It". It was such a scary movie about a killer clown who lives in the sewer. Scary until, the end when it's a giant spider with a clown head! I fear that this is the path we are going with Lost. Hell, even Gilligan's Island never had an invisible dinosaur. Oh wait; "Lost" should invite the Harlem Globetrotters to come to the island! I would watch that.

Moving on out

Moving is not a fun thing. I am moving this week from my studio apartment in downtown La Jolla up to Vista. Don't be jealous. I am sad to be leaving La Jolla, but when I really think about it I'm glad that I'm getting out of my little hamster cage studio. Last night I actually walked into a completely different room here in Vista! I like having the option of going into more than one room, it's blowing my mind. Of course the downside to this is not being able to watch the TV from my bathroom, but in the long run maybe that's a good thing. I made two trips yesterday from Vista to La Jolla and I am embarrassed by all the stuff I have accumulated over the 3 years of living there. It's all stuff I use but still, it's just a lot of stuff. So I have been throwing a lot of said stuff away. Half used candles, bathroom products, bills and things I've borrowed from people. I'm just kidding, I would never thow away a bill. I rented a 6X10 storage space in Vista to keep my bed and everything else that won't fit in my room. It's a typical Vista storage unit, meaning instead of using it for actual storage, many people hang out there and cook meth. But hey, it's really cheap, so I'm not complaining. It's also in a really safe neighborhood because I see at least three cop cars patrolling all the time. Hey, as long as I don't have to live there it's alright with me.

KUALA LUMPUR (Reuters) - A Malaysian man shot and killed his wife after he mistook her for a monkey picking fruit in a tree behind their house, the New Straits Times said on Wednesday.

The man, 70, is being held by police for causing death through recklessness after he fired a shotgun at what he thought was a monkey in a mangosteen tree on Monday, the newspaper said.

His wife, 68, had used a ladder to climb into the tree and was picking the tropical fruit when she was shot. She was pronounced dead on arrival at a hospital, the paper said. The couple lived in central Malaysia and had raised 13 children.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Sister Mary Kelsey

- a story for my sad clown niece who is sad about her dog, Flash.

My niece kelsey wants to be a nun. So much so that she wears a penguin outfit around the house. She makes everyone call her Sister Mary Kelsey and she chases her sister around the house with a giant ruler. We were concerned about this behavior but the doctors said it was very normal and not to be worried. But late at night my sister says she wakes up and Kelsy will be standing over her with the ruler ready to pounce. The penguin suit she made also cuts off her circulation around her throat and now when she talks she sound like Julia Child. "Hellloooooo mommy, today we have a woooonderful soup to make, ohhhhh." She also tends to want to take off her shoes and walk barefoot in the snow. She claims this is good for the soul. Too bad it's still summer and 74 degrees out. So instead she puts her feet in the freezer and that's not doing anybody any good.

Sunday, September 19, 2004


I just bought two Maruchan Instant lunches for a dollar and I put in on my ATM card, how cool is that? Instant lunch, for those of you who are not schooled in the finer things, is the one in the Styrofoam cup. Kind of like cup of noodles, but different. They cost two for a dollar at the Vons in La Jolla. However, Maruchan Ramen noodles soup is the same damn thing except in a package that comes with flavoring and no cup. Those are ten for a dollar at the La Jolla Vons. So the main and most important difference here is the Styrofoam cup. Without the cup you have to take out a pan, turn on the stove, put water in the pan, wait for it to boil, (which can take minutes) add the noodles and the flavoring and let stand. Are you kidding me? If I wanted to spend more than three minutes on a meal I wouldn't be eating anything with the words "Chicken Flavoring" on the package. I would eat a real damn chicken!

On Thursday I got a call from scary mobster Sal from the Shelter Point Hotel and Marina telling me I had made the finals of his ten week long comedy contest. Dat Phan opened the show and I had a nice conversation with his girlfriends two year old. We talked about Blues Clues and she was very impressed with my impersonation of Blue. I also tried to explain to her than Joe was now on the show not because his older brother Steve was away at college but because he was a coke-head. She wasn't following me. I think she's in denial. Sal shuffled the cards that night to see the order of the show, a brilliant production secret! Of course I was last. I went on at 11:30pm and had an ok set but CTP was the funniest monkey that night and won. First prize was a night at the Hotel. Second and third place won fig Newton and a carton of milk, respectively.

I had a good set tonight at the Comedy Store. Once again twelve seems to be the magic number for me at the Comedy Store. Twelve strangers laughed and clapped for me. I love it when I make strangers laugh. It's almost as good as when you scratch a dog and their leg starts going. I wish people's legs would kick when they laughed, that would be fun to watch.

Speaking of dog's, I'm glad I'm not one. There was a brief time when I was four that I pretended to be a dog. It was when we got a new refrigerator and my mom let me use the box as a doghouse. She even cut up carrots in a bowl and gave me a bowl of water. I hope and pray that I have an ounce of the patients my mom had for me. My sister's dog has bladder issue so she's putting her down tomorrow. Her name is Flash, the dog, not my sister. Flash just doesn't pee when she laughs too hard. She pees when she walks, when she sits, when she thinks too hard doing the crossword, do you get the picture? If you are I had this flaccid bladder problem we would slap on a diaper but when you're a dog and you have this problem they kill you. Flash is thirteen and that's like ninety one in dog years. I'm glad I don't pee my pants anymore. I don't, so don't schedule any vet appointments for me, okay?

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Highlight of the evening

Today I experienced the unemployment black hole again. I swear I can't tell you what I did from 11am to 3pm. I remember working on the computer and trying to print some dvd labels so I can send out my demo tape to managers and then BOOM; 3pm. I didn't even take one of my three naps mandated by the unemployment people. I did go surfing with my favorite second cousin, Jake. We surfed at Tourmaline, so if you hear that I am dead tomorrow it's because I swallowed too much contaminated water; at least I went doing what I loved.

I remember what took up a big chunk of today, I filled out a 8 page application for health insurance. If accepted I will only pay 96 bucks a month instead of $598 a month. That kind of sounds too good to be true. Perhaps I don't get to go to "real" doctors. Whatever doesn't kill me just gives me more material.

The Asian American lady on Donald Trump's hair show make me angry. She has amber highlights in her jet black hair. Someone should really tell her that doesn't look natural. But I guess next to Mr. Trump's it's fine.

Poor Bradford. He got fired, but really what was his job? I do not feel sorry for Bradford (really Brad why the ford?). First of all the man is a lawyer and he is on the hair show, just stay where you are and don't embarrass yourself on national television. I think Donald Trump's hair fired him because Brad is so bald it makes the Donald's hair look even worse (if that's even humanly possible?) Did I just spend a whole paragraph talking about Donald Trump's hair? I think that's a sign to cut back on caffeine and maybe get out of the house more.

Tomorrow night I am going back to the Shelter Point Hotel and Marina. I got the call from Sal that I had made it into the "finals" for the comedy contest. So we shall see what happens. If you are in the area and would like to see the hilarity that ensues come on by around 9pm. It's free and really what else do you have to do?

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

I smell a Skunk.

No really, I do. I smell a skunk and he's close and angry. The smell woke me up from my unemployment nap today. On unemplyoment you get three naps a day, it's in my contract. I am also house sitting for a yellow lab with bad hips. His named is Kola and he lets me know when he needs a walk, a treat, breakfast and every other need he has. But I seriously doubt he would even blink if a man came to the door asking, where all the white woman at? Tonight when I took Kola for a walk I saw a black cat, with a damn white line on his back. That's a strange looking kitty, oh holy crap it's the skunk. Kola wanted to play with the skunk but couldn't becasue I was running very fast with the other half of his leash back to the house. I told you I smelled a skunk.
I went to the Comedy Store tonight and went on around 10:15pm for those of you playing at home. I had fun and talked to the audience. There was a cute grandma in the crowd that I'm sure every other comedisn talked to, but I just ouldn't resist making a sophia Patrillo comment to her. I hugged her after my set; A thing most other comedians don't do! Ask around.
Tomorrow after I drop my mom at the airpot (she is going to the tundra) I plan on sending out dvd's to some companies who represent Christian comedians. If that gets boring I guess I can go look for the skunk.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Help You Help Me

I want to blog, I really do. It's not working out for me though. Damn those technical people with the power who are smarter than me. Damn, damn, damn.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Come See a Show

8:00pm MONDAY
FROM S.D. & L.A.
Rosie & Joe’s
Grill & Cantina
7986 Armour St.
One block south of Balboa.
Bet. Convoy & Hwy 163

Enjoy great food, drinks & COMEDY
For Info, Call 858-277-5777

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Spot of tea Gov'na?

LONDON (AFP) - One in four women in Britain say they get more pleasure from cleaning house than having sex, a survey for Good Housekeeping suggests.
The proportion was even higher among under 35-year-olds, with 40 percent happier to tidy their homes than make love, said the householders' magazine in its latest edition, published Wednesday.

The poll of 1,000 women gave other insights into cleaning habits.

Four out of 10 women said they felt guilty relaxing when the house was untidy, although 60 percent admitted the only time their home got a really good clean was when guests were coming to stay.

A further 26 percent said they gave the impression they had cleaned up by stuffing objects into cupboards and drawers.

"Women are forever battling with domestic guilt, and perceptions of clean and tidy vastly differ from household to household," observed Good Housekeeping editor-in-chief Lindsay Nicholson.

*********** In a related Story**************

LONDON (Reuters) - Half of British fathers either continue to doze or pretend to be asleep when their babies cry during the night, making many mothers resentful, a survey released on Thursday shows.

In addition to the 52 percent of dads who do not get up with their wailing children, a further 22 percent only get up after their partner has already crawled out of bed.

The lack of support leaves six in 10 mothers feeling bitter toward their partners. Restless nights also mean 86 percent of mums prefer sleep to sex.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

The Lights Are on...and somebody's gonna get in trouble!

My parent live in an old house. Well, old by California standards I guess. Their friend built it and I don't think he really knew what he was doing. Like when I perform surgery, I just really shouldn't be practicing medicine. In the last week at the house there has been a major flood and now we are experiencing a lack of electricity (my mom swears that the locust are next.).
Some rooms have it some rooms don't. Then no rooms have it and my dad gets really upset. I don't blame him, I would get upset to, I have grown very fond of electricity. I use it every day, especially since I've been cyber stalking the cast from Sesame Street. Not the new cast, the old cast from the 70's when Sesame street was funny, oh wait I'm thinking of Saturday Night Live.
My dad had an electrician come out to the house; mostly because my mom made him. She gets nervous when dad fiddles around with his screwdriver and live electric current. The two just don't mix, like Dick Cheney and cheese curds, nothing but trouble.
The electrician said we had too many things running at the same time and the poor old house just wasn't built for so much excitement. Our house is over stimulated, we have to cut back on it's work load. My dad took heed and gave me and my mom the dad talk; "when you leave a room, turn out the light. If your not in the room turn off the television. If I need to be put on a ventilator don't run the toaster at the same time." I've heard it all before coming from a Scottish family, we are not what you would call lose with our wattage. It must be funny to see our house from the outside. You know exactly when someone leaves a rooms and enters it from the path of lights going on and off. You can't kid around with this stuff either, it's serious. When I came home tonight from the Comedy Store I dropped my stuff off in the family room and went to my room to turn on my computer. That's when I heard, "who the hell left the light on in the family room?" I quick ran out to explain it was my mom, but he wasn't buying it. So now if the power goes out again in the next 6 years, it will be because I left the damn light on in the family room for 2 minutes. On a bright note it will be light in just 6 hours and we won't have to think so much when leaving a room.

Today was also the day I walked 15 miles! It took 4 hours and I ate 2 pj sandwiches, a mini twix bar, cheese and crackers and a power aide drink. I can justify eating anything as long as I am walking. It's so awesome because it cancels all the calories out. Like I care about calories; I'm the one who in known to have Dr. Pepper and Snickers bars for breakfast. You noticed I said Dr. Pepper and not pop. I am acclimating back to southern California, Dude.

Carb Loading

On October 1st I will walk 20 miles for breast cancer. I won't get breast cancer if I walk that far, it's to raise money for it. It's not just 20 miles for one day; it's for three days. 60 damn miles! I read in on the walk web site that we are suppose to be carb loading before the walk. Donuts are carbs, right? I know it is still 3 weeks away but I'm really working the whole carb thing and I'm really good at it. I'm going to walk to Sea World tomorrow, I have 2 peanut butter sandwiches ready to go and know of at least 3 Dunkin Donuts on my route.

I went to the Comedy Store tonight, fresh from Minnesota. It was so cool because I got to go up right away so the crowd was still fresh and willing to laugh; all 12 of them. 12 is a good number, Jesus knew what he was doing. The crowd seemed to enjoy hearing about cheese curds and deep fried Twinkies and I enjoyed enlightening them.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Jet Setter

I've been from St. Paul to San Diego to lovely Pasadena in just 2 short days. I am a jet setter. Within half a day, if you had the money you could be in Ireland drinking tea with some brown bread with that good Irish butter slabbed all over it. We live in a mobile age. We are constantly on the go.

That is of course unless your fuel pump goes, then your just screwed.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning so I could drive to Pasadena and audition for the Las Vegas Comedy festival at the Ice House Comedy Club. The night before I looked up the directions to the Ice House using Yahoo Maps. The fine people at Yahoo promised me an hour and 40-minute trek up a few freeways. Easy Peasy. Like taking candy from a baby. New Math kind of easy. The damn LIARS! Four hours and losing 3 quarts of liquid from sweating in the awesome 100 degree weather I arrived at the Pasadena Ice House. At first glance, the club looked closed. The blinds where closed and no comedians were hanging outside smoking and seeking attention from each other. I was just about to have a brain aneurism when I noticed the sign that said the entrance was in the back. Thank you sweet kind and merciful God.

It was dark and had air conditioning and the smell of desperate comedians filled the air. I filled out the forms that say I won't sue if I die on stage and was told I was on in 5 minutes. So much for taking my time to relax and go over my set. The comic who went on before me had been hot by a drunk driver years ago and only recently was out of his wheelchair. He was funny but hard to understand. I guess that is better than not being funny and really easy to understand. After he was done my name was called and I took the stage. Spotlights are particularly brighter at 10 in the morning than 10 in the evening. I looked out for a smiling face, a glimmer of hope and I saw one in a judge. I wished that we had gone to high school together and one day after school I had saved her life from a wild pack of dogs. Maybe vicious rabid Chihuahuas. She would have remembered this after not seeing me for over ten years and her gratitude would sway her to giving me a high score. But that didn't happen, so I just started telling my jokes.

There must be something in the water in Pasadena because those people just started at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. I saw on their faces smiles and open mouths, but I heard nothing. I didn't panic but in my head I did start to think about how when you are a farmer you never get rejected from your livestock. I bet llama farmers have the highest self esteem in the world. Every morning they wake up and the llama have come to them for food and love. Never judging them or frowning at them. Just loving them for what they provide for their existence.

People did laugh; don't get me wrong. But when you know that a joke gets laughs pretty much every time and now your just hearing the guy who use to be in a wheel chair breathing, it tends to throw even the most seasoned entertainers off their game. The judge who I didn't rescue from a pack of rabid Chihuahuas gave me international wrap it up sign so I ended with my Fargo Phone Sex joke, but what do people in Pasadena know about Fargo, much less phone sex. I got off the stage and collected my bag and walked out of the club - I then walked right back in because my bladder is that of an older man with a bad prostate. On the way out of the bathroom my judge lady caught my eye and said, "you did goo... well" Thank you? I knew she was about to say good job but decided "well" was a more accurate description. So close, yet so far. I went and got advice for the best freeway to get home. Really I was just savoring my time in the dark and cool club. I wasn't about to get back in that car for another four hours without the sweat from the first trip dry.

Back in the parking garage I called home to check in while starting my car; excuse me, attempting to start my car. It would start, cough and die. It was the locust I was expecting. I said a little prayer to the patron saint of old dying ford explorers and turned the key. It started and I gunned it for a few glorious feet until it died again. This happened for about 10 minutes. I called my dad and he had really good advice, "take it to a service station Jewd." That's why he gets paid the big bucks.
I could see a 76 station down the street, so I gunned it and prayed I would not stall on the main drag of Pasadena.

A guy came out right away and asked if he could help me. Yes, I am unemployed, single, I just bombed on stage, my car won't stay on and I want my mommy! He was an older Middle Eastern man (is that politically correct?). But his nametag said, Michael. That's not a real typical name for you're every day run of the mill middle Easterner. It is for a Mid-Westerner, but not so much in the East. "Hi can you please tell me if I will die a horrible death on the freeway if I attempt to drive this car home to San Diego?" He too looked at the lobsters crawling out of my ears. He said it sounded like the fuel pump. "That's a major thing to fix", he said. Thanks Michael, Happy St. Patrick's Day to you. He sent me to a garage down the street, to see Sean, no doubt part of an elaborate fraud scheme. I prayed the car all the way to the garage and meet Sean. You guessed it; Sean was also a Middle Eastern man. There is either a surplus of garage shirts with Irish names or these men's parents picked up BBC on their cable boxes.

So I told Sean that I needed to know if I could drive home without being horribly killed. "Sure we can tell you that, it's just $73 for an diagnostic test." Highway robbery I think the term is called. So I went upstairs to their waiting room and spent 2 hours reading People magazines from 2001 and 2002. Finally I was called downstairs to talk to the Irish guy. It was like when you bring someone into the emergency room at the hospital and they are rushed off into surgery. I had to give an oral OK for them to perform the life or death surgery. He said it would be $432; just like at the hospital, I don't care how much, I just want it to live.

Two hours later I am back on the 210 freeway, $400 dollars lighter, my temperature gauge says 108 degrees and I'm starting to think that perhaps the winters in Minnesota are not so bad after all. Maybe I'll try to find a llama farm on the way home.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004


vacuous \VAK-yuh-wus\ adjective

1 : emptied of or lacking content
*2 : marked by lack of ideas or intelligence : stupid, inane
3 : devoid of serious occupation : idle

This is not a cry for help, it was just my word of the day on my email. I was going to try to sound smart and use it, but it was easier just to copy and paste it. So maybe you can use it today, for me. Then tell me about it so I can feel smart and not so, um, what's the word.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Labor Day and Me

I am unemployed.
I applied for unemployment benefits.
I should be washing dishes or digging ditches somewhere.
I should be working.
I read Studs Terkel in college;
I went to college!
I am an entertainer. Entertainers are supposed to be on unemployment, I think I read that in a book somewhere.
I am unemployed.

In 5th grade I got a D in poetry, go figure.

Sandra Bullock

My trip to Minnesota started with a huge dose of self-esteem. A giant hypodermic needle of it right to the upper thigh. The waiter on the plane, or whatever they preferred to be called now, kept starring at me. He said,"I know I've seen you before." He came back again to collect my $10 for my box lunch of a gas station sandwich. "Who do people say you like like? Is there someone who people mistake you for?" I was about to tell him people always get me and my mom mixed up on the phone when he shouted, "Sandra Bullock! You look like Sandra Bullock!" I quickly gave him a high five and told him he was my new best friend. The man seated next to me turned to see if the waiter knew what he was talking about. I let them know that this wasn't the first time Sandy and me had been mixed up. It has happened twice before and both times my self-esteem was off the charts. When the waiter would pass by he would wink and say, "hi Sandy, don't tell my wife I've been talking to you." Yes sir, your "wife". Be assured that your "wife" has nothing to worry about, if she even exists. So Lance or Keith (I forgot his name) put me in a great mood, I felt pretty. Who knew that would just scratch the surface of my high self esteem week.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

I'm baaaaaaaaack

I am back from the tundra....long blog to follow.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Breast Wednesday

Sorry, but breast Monday was a no show. Laverne and Shirley are fine! The Scott Peterson cells checked out ok and the surgeon said I could have it removed if I wanted, but I don't have to and to tell you the truth I've grown attached to it being attached to me.
My friends threw me a SURPRISED! YOU GOT LAID OFF party last night and the highlight was the gift of a Skip Frye surfboard!

I am off to Minnesota today I will come back with an accent and lots of new material I am sure!