Saturday, January 31, 2009

Bi-Polar Weather Week

After being on one of the last planes to make it out of the ice storms of Kentucky I was more than happy to get home to the 70 degree weather of San Diego. The day after I got back into town I entertained about 50 retired teachers at a luncheon and only was threatened with detention twice.
This was also my first week of an exercise program called P90X. Basically if I do it everyday for the next 3 months I will have 2 percent body fat and abs you can wash clothes on. But the more I think about it if I just did any kind of exercise for an hour a day for 3 months I would be in great shape. So I'm just gonna eat brownies instead. Tonight I had a show at Cal-a-vie Spa and met all sorts of very nice people. Small crowds are always scarier than crowds that reach the thousands. There is something about hearing your audience breathing that's always alarming, I mean it's better than them not breathing because then they would be dead and try explaining that to the Sheriff when they show up and you have 8 dead people, no thanks, I'm not explaining that again.
Tomorrow is a big day. No, not because of the Super Bowl but because I have been enlisted to go try on brides maid dresses...oh there will be photo's a plenty! With my new awkward tan lines from walking 5 miles in the 80 degree sun, I'm going to look smoking hot (said with a thick Midwestern accent to increase hilarity).

Monday, January 26, 2009

Southern Indiana

I'm in Southern southern you ask?
I could spit and hit Kentucky, but they don't like when you do that.
I had 2 shows at Providence High School today and had a great time meeting new people, hearing stories of a great man named "Jimmy" and finding creepy dolls back stage. Now I just need the 800 feet of snow they say is coming and I am watching outside my hotel window to stop falling and I can get home to 70 degree weather. Mr. Plow, Mr. Plow! Oh I almost forgot, me and derby pie are best friends!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Free Commerce

I give you my comedy CD that I edited on my computer and you give me your book you wrote about St. Paul...with big words. Fair trade!

Thursday, January 22, 2009


I think most days I take for granted all the blessings I have in my life. Not even counting my smoking hot Olympic/super model temple of God body...I mean right there I could say, enough all ready, stop blessing me. But really my life is one of great ease and privilege.

Just today I woke up with a roof to keep the quarter inch of torrential rainfall from getting me wet. I meandered out into the kitchen and feasted not on just plain old Raisin Bran but on Raisin Bran EXTRA! It's just like that cereal 'Colon Blow' but with a classier name.

I drove to the beach and watched people exercise. I thought about getting out and walking but then I sat down till the thought passed. It was the longest 2 minutes of my life.

While driving home I saw a lady at a bus stop get sick, it was truly disturbing, to think, people have to take the bus! As I drove by her in my 12 year old gas guzzling car I was reminded how lucky I am. I haven't been sick at a bus stop in a long time.

Back home I folded my laundry which smelled like Glasgow. OK, that sounds weird but the new laundry detergent smells just like the stuff my friend uses in Glasgow and they say smell and memory are closely linked. Heck they say more than that. "Researchers have found that cognition significantly influences the perception of smell." This explains why I cried as I folded my laundry and wanted to fight people who cheered for the wrong football team...Scotland trips are usually hard on me.

After that it was off to Walgreens just for retail therapy. I didn't buy anything but I like to keep my options open. I wander the aisles looking for deals for next years Christmas presents or wedding gifts, you never know when a really good deal will jump out at you or a grandma might need help reaching a top shelf item. I always like helping those shorter than me, mostly because there aren't many out there.

Today was Physical Therapy day for my back. This is where I go to pay a copay to get touched by a large man and then hooked up to ice and electric stimuli, it's fun try it.

Dinner with my peeps and then Holy hour. After which I was asked to be in my friend Heather Sally's wedding...I'm so excited to finally be a bridesmaid (I'm usually always the bride).

Then to my dog's house for Thursday night TV and editing of a video which if I ever finish will earn me a trip to Medjugorje. Long story but just trust me, once I'm there the blogs will be great.

So you see my life is pretty good. I travel to places, tell jokes I talk about Jesus, weird things happen to me on said trips which only supply more material for later trips and the cycle continues. I am two out of three what Stephen Leacock was talking about when he said,
"God takes care of fools, drunks, and the United States of America."
I stopped drinking last year.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Party People

Our parties are just like the ones in D.C. but cost 150 million dollars less, plus we have Mass and a rosary first...and we have Abbot Charles.

Tonight we celebrated the 18Th year of Monday night Pray-a-palooza and proved once again that Catholics know how to whoop it up better out of all the other religions. If you have a problem with that statement, come on over and me and my posse will throw a beat down. Case in point I told the lady in red that I thought her brownies tasted a bit odd and she threw me into a head lock, don't mess with us! We are the last religion on earth that can still be made fun of and discriminated against and frankly we are sick of it and in response are training our elderly to fight...and it's going rather well.

We have also recruited one more secret weapon...Mikey.
Mikey is not only walking the walk but the boy is talking the talk, old school. He is now taking favorite Bible stories and turning them into hilarious hip hop songs. Not only a hit with the younger crowd but some of the elderly can follow him as well. People wanted change and truly Mikey is delivering.
Just think what Mikey could do with a 150 million dollar budget...oh man, it would be awesome.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Ay Dios Mio...Santa Barbara!

This weekend I took the train up to Santa Barbara with my cousin Bob. We do this every Friday morning, just kidding, we went up to speak at the Santa Barbara Youth Day. There were about 800 kids there and it was a rocking good time. After the event we went back to our host John's house and after a lovely feast prepared by his wife I was awarded the "boob award". I can't make this stuff up...I mean I could, but I'm better than that.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Howdy Y'all

I had a big Ol' pile of fun in Texas mostly due to my other family, the McGuires. I keep them a secret because they are so nice and well, they don't like being in the spotlight too much. But they have been my best friends for 2 weekends, 2 years apart. They take care of me when I come to Coppell, Texas. So the way I figure it they deserve at least 2 weekends time off in purgatory for being so good to me.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


The Catholic Campus Ministers Association had their National convention in Atlanta and I was lucky enough to perform for people from all over the country. If that wasn't cool enough, three of my former buddies from USD were there too.
Come to think of it, that is how I got the job in the first place.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Red Eyes

I'm leaving for the Catholic Campus Minister Association conference in Atlanta tonight. Me and red eye flights have a good relationship. I don't make any noise or fuss and the plane stays in the air. It's a great relationship. So far.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Cousin Follow up

This is my hobbit cousin Paul who says, " Anyone over 5'5" is a freak anyway." Way to go Paul.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Not Fair

Out of my 30 or so cousins on my dad side, 80% of them are amazons.
I stand at 5 feet 5 inches and occasionally can stretch another inch if I stand on my tippy toes.
I could do so much more if I was tall like my cousins.

I could dunk.
I could dust the top of the book shelf.
I could live out my dream of being a model.
I could see the top of men's heads when they try to pull off a comb over.

I'm surprised I've made it so far being this short. Perhaps God knew if I was taller I would be too powerful and this was his way of keeping me grounded. Literally.