Saturday, December 31, 2005

Friday, December 30, 2005

Would the prequel to Doctor Zhivago be Mr. Zhivago?

What with Christmas and all I never got to tell my story of my terrible snowboarding injury.
First day of snowboarding: no problem, wheeee! Look at me flying down the hill, good thing I have a helmet.

Second day of snowboarding: after the first lift and going down a black diamond run with the dingle berries in the picture, sharp stabbing pain in my shin bone. Holy ouch. It only hurts when there is pressure on my shin which was all the time since the snowboard boots are a necessary part of the whole package when going down a hill while strapped to a piece of fiberglass.

Third day of snowboarding: I go on 2 runs and lay down in the snow and say naughty words cause by leg hurts so much. The ski patrol wanted me to get an x-ray but it was the day we were leaving and even if in the x-ray they found a hamster or discovered my spleen had slipped down into my shin, what was the ski patrol gonna do about it? So I went in the lodge and sipped cocoa and sat down by the fire until it was time to leave.

Back in the land of Surf and sand I went to see an orthopedic surgeon. After an x-ray and a quick look see this doctor said he thought I had..."boot bang".

What I had was bruising on the bony front of my shin, a nerve can get squished while in the boot and it takes a while of being out of the boot for the nerve not to hurt like a monkey on fire. But this doctor instead of saying that said, "Boot bang". This man went to medical school.
That involves learning lots of big words. I guess I shouldn't go to an orthopedic surgeon that works out of the back of his van.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


The German Shepard looks good in hats, that's a good thing if you are the pope. Hats are pretty much part of the "uniform" so you better have a level head to be Pope or all bets are off.
This is kind of a scary photo that a Reuters photographer snapped, but I can tell you after seeing himself close up he looks much nicer in person. In person he looks like a kind old grandpa that would smoke a pipe and whistle like Bing Crosby while mowing the lawn on his riding mower...Except different.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

IM I Cried

dasjewd: r u watching the office?
dasjewd: it's funny
dasjewd: i like it
dasjewd: i like chocolate
dasjewd: hello?

I talk to people on IM all the time...they always don't talk back.

dasjewd: you know what would be cool?
jewdsdad: I'm busy
dasjewd: If they would play Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass during my YMCA kick boxing class
dasjewd: that would get the ladies heart beat elevated
jewdsdad: ok then
dasjewd: Whipped Cream, I like that song of theirs

The main problem, as I see it most of my friends are online when they are at work. And supposedly they have to "work" at work. But when I think about it in my head I feel like it's my service no my ministry for them to keep them entertained while they are "working". If they really didn't want to IM at work perhaps they would not be signed in the first place. I should really email their bosses, better yet I will instant message them!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Look What I Got For Christmas!

A real life Axe Wielding Midget Clown! My mom thinks she is so funny.

Friday, December 23, 2005

December 23

Today is my favorite day of the year.
It's the day before Christmas Eve.
The day before we go to Christmas Eve mass.
The day before we try to get everyone to sit down and take a family photo and make sure the dogs are in it.
The day before we open presents (yes, we open Christmas Eve, jealous?)
It's the day I wrap Christmas presents and buy some at Walgreens.
And of course it's the last day to be extra good so Jesus can tell Santa how good you really are cause He knows your heart and can plea your case to the morbidly obese man in red!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Mr. Neil Diamond said to tell you, "Hello Again, Hello"

That's right, mom and I saw Mr. Neil Diamond last night in concert and let me tell you, I'm a believer!

Not only can he dance better than Robert Goulet but he wears sequence better than Liberace. He is a stud!

His side burns are just long enough, you don't want them to actually touch your chin but just skirting your cheeks, horizontal to your nose. Mr. Neil Diamond is also in very good shape for a 64 year old, It must be from the excessive dancing he does during the bridges in his songs.

After seeing the general population of Mr. Neil Diamond's audience, I left with very high self esteem. I don't mean to be cruel but just cause Mr. Neil Diamond wears sequence and you like his music, doesn't mean it's ok for you to wear sequence as well.

To continue our Mr. Neil Diamond experience mom and I are watching the "Jazz Singer" while eating rum balls and drinking tea. We party it up on a Thursday night in Vista just like rock stars, except different.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Smells like Teen Spirit

Just got off a 14 hour bus ride with 81 kids and boy do I have a new found respect for Fabreeze. How come teenage boys smell so bad? Perhaps they do not realize how bad they actually smell because all their senses are not fully developed yet. Or maybe they enjoy the fact that they can make others physically ill with their own stench. Very caveman-like but I think I am on to something. I know people I hang out with would not boast to their friends that they have not showered in 3 days. But maybe I just hang out with really classy people. At any rate I have to go and put all my money into Fabreeze stocks, I wonder how much $3.78 will buy.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Brrrrrrrrrr! 2 Electric Boogaloo

Still in Utah, still cold, still sore but don't worry, I am still very cute.
Imagine Sandra Bullock snowboarding, but different.

Saturday, December 17, 2005


Goodnight from Sandy Utah where I am dehydrated tired and everyone in my room is gaseous.
Praise the Lord, we be hitting the mountain tomorrow!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

If you need me I'll be in Sandy, Utah

But before I go can I mention that I can't find my snowboard you have it?
This is getting pretty serious because it's a high of 28 and a low of 8 in Utah...that's just DUMB!
Maybe I can bring Chewie along to keep me warm, he has no boundaries ya know.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


We all enjoy boundaries right? I don't come to your house and go through your underwear drawers, not because I don't want too, but because it just isn't right.
Well, yellow labs don't have boundaries. Chewie, my sisters dog who has lived with us for almost 2 of his 3 years alive is a yellow lab.
When he first arrived he slept on the floor and was very content. My golden retriever Mac, has always slept at the foot of my bed and made sure Chewie knew it was his bed and he was just letting me sleep there while I was home. But after 2 years Mac and Chewie are buddies and they share things, like the bed. Slowly but surely Chewie has crept his way up onto the bed. And no I don't have two 70 pound dogs laying at my feet, I have one laying on my feet and one snuggling up under my neck. Chewie likes to snuggle. Chewie also snores.
Last night was pretty ridiculous, I woke myself up because I couldn't breath. I have asthma and thought I was having an attack. But coming to my senses out of a sound sleep I realized that I was not having an attack but Chewie was sleeping on my head.

Chewie loves too much.

Chewie has seen the boundary and he has not only broken it but chewed it up and spit it out.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

CD - Just in time for Christmas!

These will be available on online store very soon or you can buy one from me! Virgin records wanted exclusive rights but I said, "I don't think so!".
Buy one today and save the life of a puppy. I really don't know how buying one would save the life of a puppy, but why take the chance?

Monday, December 12, 2005

Lion, Witch, the Wardrobe and Me

I saw The Chronicles of Narnia tonight and it was very good. One thing I want to know is why are some animals good and hang out with the Jesus Lion and some animals bad to the bone and chum around with the evil poo face devil witch?
Here is a list I have so far:
Polar bears = evil
Wolves = evil (yet boxers good)
Unicorns = good
Cheetahs = good
Bison/Man morph = very bad
Midgets = bad
Beavers = good
Foxes = good
Bats = bad
Rhinos = good
awkward looking young British actors = good
Turkish delight = extremely evil!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Dentist Elf

At 9 am tomorrow I have a stupid dentist appointment because I have a stupid cavity. I was suppose to go in and get it filled a month ago but I was on a plane going somewhere so I cancelled it but now I have to go and face the stupid drill. I hate the drill. I hate smelling and seeing smoke that is coming from my own mouth. I called the dentist office on Friday and asked the receptionist to please tell the dentist that I don't want any silver fillings in my mouth anymore. Let's try to camouflage the mercury in my mouth or whatever it is, Kryptonite, I don't know.
Tomorrow, as a sort of last breakfast I will consume a few caramel sugared nuts, a peanut butter sandwich and other things that will stick between my teeth. Sure it will be gross for him but it is his job, let him deal with it. He's going be the only one get paid for being there and I'm going to be the one in pain and freaking out having another human beings hand in my mouth not to mention a power drill. Stupid cavity.

Victoria, Texas Photo's Ya'll

Friday, December 09, 2005

If You need me I'll be in Julian, CA

Thank You, I'll Be Here All Week

Tonight I went up at the Comedy Store in front of 3 people.

Life on stage can be summed up by one word, but this is a family blog so I won't write it here. But it is just like real life; a series of ups and down, highs and lows. Just a few weeks ago I was doing comedy in front of 3000 people, tonight 3. Next week I'll be skiing in Utah (that had nothing to do with my train of thought I just wanted to rub it in your face).
This picture can help illustrate my feelings to you. Some days you are the door and some days you are the lizard. Here's hoping your days are lizard free!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Things That Make Me Angry

- Axe wielding Midget clowns.
- People who don't like dogs.
- Math
- Stepping on gum in your bare feet or what you think is gum which later turns out to be your pet goldfish
- People who burp and blow.
- Paper cuts.
- Desert boogers.
- People who complain about having to park far away from the gym but once they are in the gym they walk on the treadmill.
- Being poor.
- Fat free milk.
- Tall clowns.
- Gravy on my mashed potatoes.
- Restraining orders.
- Alf
- Nightly news teasers
- Damn Illinois Nazis.
- When people hear Bing Crosby and think it's Perry Como, oh man that makes me so angry I could spit.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Watch out Chuck Norris

Tommy had to fight this King Kong boy who was 8 feet taller than him. When the other kid stepped into the ring Tommy's eyes almost popped out of his head, he looked like he ate puppies for breakfast! Tommy lost but at least he did not run away like I wanted to.
Mikey is bad to the bone and a karate machine.

Monday, December 05, 2005

I Am a Dork.

I just looked up what time kick boxing is tomorrow morning at the YMCA.
It's at 9:15 AM.
I set an alarm on my phone that says 'kick boxing' and it will go off 40 minutes before the class starts.
I even programmed the alert noise to be my nephew Mikey saying, "Hey Jewd, DO IT" so as to motivate me.

But I know in the depths of my being, I won't go to that class.

Sure right now at 8pm the night before I have every intention of going and hitting and kicking my way to physical perfection (I am so close by the way). But in the morning it will be cold, I will be grumpy and eating pancakes will seem like a better idea than driving all the way to the YMCA to go to kick boxing. Besides most car accidents happen within 2 miles of your home, so why take the chance? And why do car accident happen within 2 miles from your home? I would move cause it sounds like you live in a rough neighborhood. Besides if I went to that class, there would undoubtedly be someone in the class that would be really annoying and then I would be forced to make fun of them in my head and what if that button that stops my thought from becoming outloud was on the fritz and I accidentally called someone a horrible name? That would most definitely do damage to someone's happy day. Although really how happy can someone's day be going who is wearing pink leg warmers and a matching head band!

So you see I cannot go to kick-boxing tomorrow morning but instead will stay at home and glorify God by eating pancakes.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Karate Pope

I just spent 10 hours watching a Kempo Karate tournament that my two nephews and sister competed in, and I want my money back. Technically I did not pay to get in but if I would have, technically I would want that 8 bucks back. Here is my complaint, not enough blood shed. They hit or kick and then the judge stops them to award a point before anyone gets smacked around enough to be even remotely entertaining.
Nothing like the Karate Kid! At one point when the black belts were fighting, one twisted his ankle and was reminiscent of a Daniel-son crane moment, with the passing of Mr. Miyagi I thought it would have been most appropriate I did get most my Ignatius of Loyola book almost done. I think I relate to Ignatius because he really never wanted to get a job, he just wanted to rely on God for everything so he would just beg for his food. That's kind of what I do now with my parents. People use to make fun of him (do you go to hell for making fun of a saint?) for begging because he was not sick or unable to work, I get that all the time! I should be done with this book by tonight and then what? I hope it doesn't get around that I read a book in less than 40 hours, one with NO PICTURES I might add.

And then I get home to watch the CBS movie about the life of John Paul II and the actor portraying papa is the dude from "The Princess Bride"! I must say he had the Pope's voice down but when I would look at him all I could think of was quotes from the movie, "buttercup". They should have had Fred Savage narrating the story to his grandson, that would have been the ultimate tie in. That would have even made comic book guy from the Simpsons proud.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Jewd can Read

I am reading the autobiography of Ignatius of Loyola and the poor bugger got a canon ball shot through his leg! Now, that has to sting just a little. But getting the canon ball through his leg did lead to his conversion. A canon ball. I hope I am never to point in my life that God has to send a sign that big for me. I hope I can pick up on the smaller ones like puppy breath or hearing a child's laughter.

A canon ball!

I am only 60 pages into the book and the helicopter chase scene just finished so I'll keep you updated if Ignatius gets shot at anymore. The guy must have been in really good shape cause I know he was into "exercise".
Just another thrilling Saturday night!

Friday, December 02, 2005

Did You Know...

...I have not surfed in 2 weeks! This is what people refer to when they talk about suffering in the world.
Pray for whirled peas.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Home from Houma

First stop from the airport was to see my favorite God daughter and her big sister. Then we got down to the good stuff: Califonia Burritos!
It was no shrimp "san-which" though.
I had a very good time down in Cajun country. Made new friends and got in touch with an ancient one, He's actually timeless. He says hello and He would like to hear from you. It was cool to see how long I could just shut up and do nothing, no phone or computer or TV. Longest 12 minutes of my life! I hope to go back someday soon because I had a great time. Everyone should go to Houma, LA if for nothing else for Ronnie's Hot Holes!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Yard Art

The trick, I have learned, is that if your double wide trailer is not that big you can make it seem bigger by having more yard art than actual trailer. You see the seasonal yard art gives the illusion of more trailer. I heard Martha Stewart talking about it. It was her Cajun episode. I have it on TiVo if you want to borrow it. Sho nuff, slap your grandma I do.
BBJ signing off from Houma, LA

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!

For fun at my house on Thanksgiving we use the drum stick as a microphone and have "open mic night" in the kitchen.
If you think that sounds crazy, you should see what we do with the ham at Easter!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Parry Hotter

I just got back from seeing Harry Potter and let me tell you, I in no way feel confused about God now. I am confused about my feelings towards Hagrid though.
I like em tall dark and handsome and with really long beards.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Give Me A Head With Hair!

My nephew Mikey wanted me to fix his hair like a sumo wrestler and well, things kind of got out of control. Mikey's hair is getting long and he looks like every other southern California surfer kid now. But when Mikey's hair gets long enough he likes to curl it around his one finger and sometimes that creates a knot. Then his finger gets stuck in his curl that he made and he tries to get it loose by tugging on it which in turn pulls out a big chunk of hair. This is why Mikey is sporting a bald spot on the top of his head at age 5.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Math is Dumb

If Sally can paint a house in 4 hours, and John can paint the same house in 6 hour, how long will it take for both of them to paint the house together?
2 hours and 24 minutes
3 hours and 12 minutes
3 hours and 44 minutes
4 hours and 10 minutes
4 hours and 33 minutes

First of all Sally should not be painting the house to begin with, it's just gonna aggravate her sciatica. And like John is actually going to help Sally with any work around the house much less painting the whole thing! John was never right after hitting his head when he fell off that mechanical bull.

So the answer is, Sally should call the painter. See, math is dumb.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Thursday, November 17, 2005

My Transversus Abdominus Hurts

Don't make me laugh and watch out if I have to sneeze because I pulled a stomach muscle.
OUCH! I am pretty tough, I can take a pitch in the head to get on base if I have too.
I have broken vertebrae in my back twice.
I have ruptured my ear drum.
I have taken a bullet just like 50 cent, oh no wait, that wasn't me I'm thinking of a Lifetime movie.
All those things, a walk in the park compared to this stomach muscle thing, did I mention it hurts like a mother?!?
It happened yesterday when I was practicing my tennis serves. I served about two bucket of balls and then I must have tried to put a little bit too much mustard on my serve cause all I remember is that I felt and heard a rip. Now I'm no doctor (only need three more credits though, maybe I should look into that again) but I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing when you hear things on your body rip.
It actually doesn't feel that bad if I push in the muscle while I laugh but it does look rather awkward.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Don't Come To My House

Some friends visited me today and my dog Chewie wanted them to know how much he enjoyed having them in our house. So of course he showed the international sign for welcome by peeing all over the kitchen floor and on one of my friends bare feet. So you are all warned: Don't come over unless you have boots on.

I don't blame my dog for this, it's actually a great compliment. To be so excited to see someone you lose control of your bodily functions is way more flattering than imitation.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

It is Finished

My World Youth Day movie is finished and burned onto a DVD.

Now what am I going to work on every waking moment of the day?

Tomorrow my goddaughter, Anna Elizabeth Lewis gets dunked. No wait, baptized.

Skip Frye is the godfather so that makes me his...Godwife?

How very exciting for us all!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


I worked today starting at 10 am and now it's 1 am and I'm seriously considering going to bed. Who knew that working for more than an hour on stage could be so fun? My brain actually does hurt from thinking too much though, it's use to not exerting too much effort. My World Youth Day video is almost done, which is good since I show it on Sunday. The only problem now is burning it onto a DVD. It's over a half an hour long and that's a lot of gigs. Are you a computer geek and know what I am talking about?
I spoke at my alma mater tonight and it was good to be back. It was fun to be there and not have a paper or a test due the next day. It's actually a great place to be when your not paying $20,000 a semester to be there.
My kids are so getting golf clubs in their hands the minute they are born. Move over Tiger my kid needs to make a few billion to keep me living in the manner in which I think I deserve!

Monday, November 07, 2005


Tomorrow I have to vote. Some people say, "I get to vote", but I save that for Church.
I say, "I get to go to Church. "It's a Holy Day of opportunity." I wonder if Puff Daddy still says, "vote or die". That was his big thing last time when we voted for President. Probably Puffy doesn't really care too much for state and local government. Silly Puffy. Arnold called our house 2 nights ago and left us a message on the answer machine telling us how he thought we should vote. See, if Arnold said, "Vote or Die" I would be more inclined to because I have seen him in numerous movies and know he has the capacity to kill, with his shirt off I might add. I would not like to see him vote with his shirt off though cause he's not as solid as he once was. It's like seeing your uncle at a 4th of July party playing pool volleyball. When you see him in his regular clothes not so bad, but jumping up out of the water to spike the ball in his trunks is a whole different story. Clothes hide flab, which is why I'm glad we have them.

Vote yes on 234b to keep clothes on our Governor!

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I made my stand up comedy television debut on the Dennis Miller Show. Where has the year gone? All I know is that the Dennis Miller Show has come and gone but I'm still here. Jewd has staying power, tell all your friends.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

St. Jude, Pray for Us

When I arrived at gate 27A in the Atlanta airport the lady behind the desk had a panicked look on her face. The flight was booked beyond capacity and they were taking volunteers to go on the next flight. Normally I would say, "I don't think so" just like Fred Willard in 'A Mighty Wind' but they were offering a $200 voucher. Score! The only way I travel now is when people hire me to come and make milk shoot out of their nose by laughing or crying, depending if I'm funny or not. With the voucher I could afford to go somewhere I wanted to go! Well, not anywhere, but it would help with airfare and for once maybe I could have a little dignity and not purchase my ticket from
I marched right up to the counter and said I would volunteer my ticket. I then sat down and waited and watched CNN cause in Atlanta, that's the only station that any of the TV's get. Finally after everybody was seated and they could tell how many seats they needed my name was called. She looked at me and said, "that's ok, we don't need your seat." and handed me back my boarding pass.


No conciliation prize? I was willing to stay another 2 and a half hours in terminal 27A and eat Krystal burgers so some stranger could get on the plane and perhaps go hug their dying grandma one last time or get a good night's sleep so they could wake up early and be a judge in a very important court case in the morning and I get nothing for that? Not even an extra bag of peanuts or a high five?
I suppose when I am a big girl I will do things like that not for the $200 voucher but because it's the nice thing to do. I'm sure when Mother Teresa was picking up the dying in the streets she did not look around to see if anyone was watching so they could pat her on the back and give her a voucher. In fact she could not have cared less if anyone knew about what she did because she was Mother Teresa. But I guess that's why she is a saint and I'm just a comedian trying to get a $200 voucher.

Then in the back of my head I started thinking; maybe they didn't use your seat for a reason. Maybe something is going to happen on the plane and because I was sitting in 39A someone's head won't fall off or maybe a lady who is carrying her baby will trip and because of my cat like reflexes I would catch said baby and she would grow up to be president or the doctor who finds the cure for zits on your forehead on prom night.
But then I got on the plane and some lady was in my seat so the waitress, or whatever you call those people, said I could sit in 39F, the window on the other side. But then there was a husband and wife and 3 month old baby in that row and they asked if I wouldn't mind sitting on the aisle so the husband holding the baby could lean against the window. "Sure, no problem" I said, you know why? Cause I'm just like Mother Teresa, except different.

I didn't even tell you about the flight out to Atlanta! My show was done in Oceanside at 8:30PM so my mom drove like the wind (a wind blowing at max speed of 65 MPH) down to the airport. It was a 10:30PM flight and filled to capacity. This made me want to hurl when I saw that the dorks at had put me in a middle seat. This 4-hour plane ride to Atlanta was going to be my only sleep before I had to perform the next day and I cannot sleep in a middle seat. I always wake myself up cause I'm afraid I am doing that head bob thing when it rolls and you jerk. Or I'm afraid that I'm going to fall asleep and wake up leaning in some stranger man's armpit with drool coming out of my mouth. Plus middle seats are just stupid because no one ever knows who those arm rest belongs too.
So I said a little prayer to my patron Saint (Saint Jude Patron of Desperate Cases) and approached the podium. Before I even said anything the lady said, "no seat changes, full flight". I mustered all my dignity and said, "Oh, I was just wondering what movie was being played on the flight."
I'll show you lady behind the counter with all the power!
I then smiled and said, "well I was also wondering if is there a list I can be put on in case some has explosive diarrhea and can't make it on to the flight?" She smiled and put my name down. A minute later she called my name and handed me my new boarding pass, Bulkhead window! That's like every coach travelers dream. That's that seat behind first class next to the exit, your own TV on the wall, the bathroom and the waitress station. So not only are you the first to get out if the plane crashes in the ocean but you also get first snack packs and first in line for the bathroom!
We take off and I put my travel pillow behind my neck, plug in my headset to watch "Bewitched" (at least it would help me sleep) and I'm just nodding off when two guys bring this man up into my personal leg stretching space! They lay him down and he curls up right on my feet. An announcement comes over the speaker that if a doctor is on board could they please come up to the man writhing in pain on the floor. Now if Mother Teresa were in this situation she would have ripped off the travel pillow from behind her neck and gave it to the man on the floor and comforted him and assisted with anything they needed.
Once again, my name is Jewd not Mother Teresa.
I did move my feet and refrained from kicking him in the head, so I'm on my way to sainthood I guess. Turns out the poor guy got really dizzy and stood up and passed out on the guy next to him who thought he was having a seizure. The doctors on board checked him out and ruled out a seizure and thought maybe it was a food allergy or he was diabetic. Whatever it was they suggested he stayed where he was, lying down, on my feet. Eventually he did sit up and sat in the chair next to me. I felt bad for him because it was embarrassing but what a thrill for him to sit next to me! In the end I slept for about an hour and got into Atlanta around 5:50 in the morning and stayed up and performed and hosted a stage all day. I finally got to sleep Saturday night around 3AM but because of day light savings got an extra hour of sleep.
I was functioning quite nicely on an hour of sleep I thought.
All the bunnies that were talking to me agreed I handled everything very well.

Sunday, October 30, 2005


Look at me with the cutouts of the peanut farmer president and his lovely wife Rosalyn! Doesn't that impress you and make you want to be my friend?
I am hanging out in Georgia after NCYC just chilling with my cousin and his family in Cartersville, hence the picture.
But I didn't have to tell you that, you are bright and hip and with it.
Tonight I get to help give out candy to the little boogers when they come to the door. We never get trick or treaters at my house cause of our long scary dark driveway. But that doesn't stop us from buying 5 pounds of candy just in case. This might be the year that a limo bus of trick or treaters breaks down in front of our house and how would it look if when they rang our doorbell we had nothing to give? It would look pretty bad. We could give them paper clips, but kids don't want paper clips, unless they are weird kids and we don't want weird kids hanging around our house.
I miss the days when it was socially acceptable for me to dress up on Halloween. Others frown upon people my age dressing up and ringing doorbells and asking for things unless it's for a charity. If you have your own kids and they are with you and also dressed up it's ok. But if it's just you dressed up like Darth Vader on a Tuesday in March going door to door, that’s awkward and people are going to start talking and you might have to “go away” for awhile and “rest”. Halloween is always a confusing day for me because I see people on the street and wonder, is that their outfit or just a lifestyle choice? You never want to say, “hey, that’s a funny looking costume you have on Bob” cause maybe Bob is just funny looking to begin with and he doesn’t even realize it’s Halloween. You also don’t want to dress up like a doctor and hang out in a hospital because someone might be going into labor or need a lobotomy and mistake you for the real deal and you would be put on the spot to jump into action. And if faced with the choice between looking silly by explaining that it’s a Halloween outfit and performing open heart surgery, well Mister pass me the scalpel, I have a life to save.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Pumpkin flu

It's fall here in San Diego. The chill of an afternoon under 70 degrees has us all running to put on a sweater and make some hot apple cider to drink by the fire. Just wait till next month when the nights can turn bitterly cold and get down into the (gasp) 50's!

Tomorrow night after a show in Oceanside I'll take a red-eye to Atlanta for NCYC. I get into Atlanta at 5:30am or 3:30 San Diego time, oh no, is that day light savings night? No that's Saturday night. People in Hawaii in Arizona never have to worry about day light savings, I bet they feel jipped.

I am looking forward to Georgia because I watched a lot of Designing Women growing up. I'll look for Susan Sugarbaker and her sister Julia, I wonder if they still have a interior design firm?

On a sad note, my pumpkin has the stomach flu.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

My Dogs Think I'm Cool

Both of my dogs think I can do no wrong.
They think I am just the coolest person ever. They want me to be president. If they could hold on to a pen they would write poems about me, not good poetry mind you but they would be from the heart. I think this is why I like them more than most people I meet. Not all people are dumb but most are not as nice as my dogs.

I think this might be character flaw. Not in me but in most people.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Hey Pilgrim

I am still walking like John Wayne but tomorrow I'm getting back on the "horse". This time the "horse" I am speaking of is...

Wait for it...

Water aerobics.

Gladys better bring her "A" game tomorrow,

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

That Kicks Axe!

I got an axe from my nephews for my birthday, now I am complete!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Oh you guys...

My boyfriends came over to my house this morning and brought me my "birthday coffee".
Silly Germans!

Monday, October 17, 2005

2005 3 Day

3 days
60 miles
10.3 million dollars raised
blisters the size of a golden retriever's head

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Holy blisters Bat Man!

Tomorrow is the first day of the Susan G Komen 3 day breast cancer walk and I am not ready.

Now I have said that the last 3 times I have walked 60 miles but this time I really mean it...This is going to suck out loud!

I have to be up for the walk in 12 hours and I am not packed yet and I'm not real concerned. If I play my cards right I'll get heat stroke and can ride in the back of an ambulance and probably meet my Irish Catholic Doctor husband at the hospital...a girl can dream.

Just my luck I'll wear a hat and drink enough water and be just fine. Every year I do manage to tear a ligament in my left ankle, it's more annoying than anything else. When you are such a finely tuned athlete as myself you can bounce back from such things rather quickly.

There are 6,000 people signed up for this thing and I know they will all want to use the same port-a-potty the same time I do.

Stupid breast cancer, stupid 60 miles, stupid port-a-potty.
At least I have a winning attitude!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Ole Joke

Ole was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up towards heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up liquor."

As he finished saying it, miraculously, a parking place appeared. Ole looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Fun, Fun, Fun

I'm still having fun in Phoenix with the guitar playing Canadian, St. Louis Steve and of course my boyfriend Sergio who is a year older today.

Sunday, October 09, 2005


I'm here, it's hot but I get to golf and do stand complaints!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Raise Puppies

Children's Theatre = bad idea.

Bringing children to children's theatre = worst idea in the history of worst ideas.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Today I paid for gas with quarters...I am trashy, hear me roar!

Palm Desert

Just got back from Palm Desert where I had a really fun time playing golf and soaking up the skin cancers rays. Off to Arizona this weekend for a conference, I must really like the heat or maybe it's the cool desert boogers that you get. Meanwhile it's snowing in Bismarck, North Dakota.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Auntie Poop

Tomorrow morning I will be responsible for getting my two nephews off to school.

God help us all.

I Don't Like Spam!

5 hours later and I have 4 minutes of movie..Oh man editing is so much fun!

Saturday, October 01, 2005


I had fun being in a sketch show Friday night. Very different from stand up cause you have to actually "work with others". Good in a way because if the whole ship goes down your not the captain, you still drown but it's not all your fault.

Today might be the day I start editing the World Youth Day movie, but we shall see. 7 hours of Europe footage makes my head hurt. Besides if the Chargers win I have that whole end of the world theory and then I won't have to worry about the movie anyway.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Tucson, AZ

What else can I say about Tucson other than...It takes a long time to get here when you try to travel in a 20 year old motor home with over 400 thousand miles on it.

Tomorrow just for fun, I'll see how many miles I can walk in the desert heat before collapsing.

I make my own fun!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Padres: Western Division Champs

Don't be too happy, they'll screw it up soon enough.
Forgive me I live in San Diego, I'm not use to winning.
My theory is I can't live some place so beautiful and have winning sports teams, that's just being greedy.

Monday, September 26, 2005

I Don't Like Mondays

I would tell you what I did today but you would all be so jealous and I don't want to be responsible for that.
I'll just say that I have not had this much fun since June 3rd 1993.
Did you know that if you play tennis in running shoes you can break your ankle? That makes me want to run right out and buy some ugly tennis shoes.
Do you think I could beat Regis Philbin at tennis?

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Waffles or Pancakes?

Hung out with 6 kids last night and today for money. I won't call it babysitting as one of the kids in 10th grade said, "You are our big boy sitter."

Stay in school kids and you too can be a big boy sitter one day.

I'm not complaining because I did get to go surfing, eat pizza and make pumpkin seeds. Yes that's right I got pumpkin seeds out of the deal!
They also have a rigged x-box that has over a kajillion games on it. Did you know Michael Jackson had a video game in the 80's? This isn't even the beginning of a bad joke, it's is a real game that came out when "Bad" was popular.
So sad.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Poor Gus Gus

My friend and I went to play tennis today and decided to break out the Lobster. The Lobster is a machine that shoots tennis balls out to you and you return them over the net. Well no one had used this Lobster for awhile because when we fired it up a dead mouse shot out of it.
Fur and mouse parts everywhere. We found two more dead Cinderella mice at the bottom of the bucket, bad day for the world of mouse tennis.

Shout Out to the P!

Oh happy day, pumpkins are appearing in the store. Next to getting high on life pumpkin seeds are like my crack! Not the fake kind you buy in the packages but the pumpkin seeds that you rip out of the still breathing pumpkin yourself, wash the pumpkin goo off and bake it with a ton of butter and salt. Oh man!
But at 4 bucks a pumpkin this is not a cheap habit. I hope I don't start stealing or try to sell my parents into the white slave market again for pumpkin money.
The important thing to remember here is: don't judge me.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

That Just Aint Right

I have always said that running is wrong and I stand by my statement. I saw a man today that reminded me why I have such strong feelings against running.
This poor man ran by me on the beach today with such a look of pain that I had to laugh out loud. Now I know this was not the most Christian thing to do but he was in obvious pain, not because of any physical ailment but because that boy was just plain out of shape!
{This part is just for the running man}

Maybe start with a brisk walk Skippy... or a bike ride, but for the love of all that is holy don't start with a full on run! That's how people like you drop dead and people like me feel bad for making fun of them the day before. Or even worse what if you would have collapsed right in front of me? I would have had to give you CPR and as you were coming back to life our eyes would have locked and you would have fallen madly in love with me and proposed right there on the spot. I would have had to have said yes because I am a sucker for people in cardiac arrest.

So stop running unless you are prepared to suffer it's many consequences.

Monday, September 19, 2005


Usually I am not a real big fan of funerals, vigils etc. but tonight was an exception. We had a rosary and mass for my 85-year-old friend who died (basically it was kind of like the Pope’s funeral, except less candles) and I got to say a few words about her. I say it was like when the Pope died because she was so holy and so good that like when the Pope died although tears were shed you couldn't really be sad because if you have to worry about where the Pope is going when he died you and me are out of luck.
Tonight I heard stories of a lady who made a positive difference in the lives of every person she came in contact with. It made me wonder what people might say about me when I get hit by the proverbial dump truck. Not that I was funny, or didn't kick puppies but would they say that I was a good person? Would they say that I was a good friend? That I was someone who they could trust? Someone who they could call in the middle of the night if they wanted to change the channel but their remote control was out of batteries?

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Home Tomorrow

Today I was almost hit and killed by a car while walking here in Plainfield IL.
See,this is why I don't exercise, it's bad for your health!

Friday, September 16, 2005

My Irish Grandma

My friend died last night. Joanie was in her 80's and did not want to go first because she wanted to take care of her husband. Turns out she wasn't in charge of deciding that and God called her home. I can just imagine the finger wagging going on right now, she must be really laying into Him today. The last few months she had a lot of questions for me, her favorite one was, "what does God look like?" Today when I heard she had died I had to smile when I thought, she knows now. I miss you Maloney but I know I have a new saint watching over me like a HAWK!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

A Big Mac and Raging Bull

That's the end to a Wednesday night in the middle of Septmeber.
I'm not proud of it, but the truth shall set you free.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

New photo up from Texas!

I'm a Walking, Yes indeed

I walked 5 miles today...not in a row, but eventually I walked 5 miles. I watched Days of Our Lives on the treadmill at the YMCA and then walked the dog to an Italian restaurant to get a menu. For the dog not me. Italian repeats on me, I said it repeats on me.

I bore myself and it's my life...
Hey, you write your life out on paper and see if it's anymore interesting!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Thanks to everyone who donated to the 3day walk! It is a month away and I maybe will start training this week. It's only 60 miles in 3 days, it's not like it's 60 miles in 2 days! This is my 4th year of doing this walk and you would think by now I would have learned some valuable lessons like, buying shoes more than a month before the walk or not signing up for the dang thing in the first place! Oh well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't serve it to elementary kids in the cafeteria and call it "trigger surprise". What?

Monday, September 12, 2005

Hey Y'all

I had a blast in Texas, no really I was shot at. OK not really, but that would have been cool. I am back at my house for a day before I head out again. Wednesday and Thursday at 9pm I will be at the La Jolla Comedy Store and then off to Illinois.
As soon as I empty the crickets out of my suitcase I'll tell you more about it.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Cricket Cowboys

Last night as I was waiting for thr airport shuttle of death to trasfer me to my connecting flight I looked up in the sky and found out that indeed, the stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart of Texas.
I have a show here tonight in Victoria and one tomorrow in San Antonio. I like Texas so far, people where cowboy hats because they actually need to and not cause cause they are trendy. Also I enjoy the millions of crickets, they are EVERYWHERE! Think instead of Alferd Hitchcock's the Birds, but crickets.
Let[s see, floods, hurricanes, crickets, if the Chargers start winning, that will be the final sign, so get ready to meet Jesus!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Single White Female

Sometimes I wish I was married with kids.

Then I spend a couple hours with kids.

Now I'm over it and happy to just have to remember to feed my dogs.

P.S. Bob Denver is dead, not Gilligan.

Labor Day Squared

I liked Labor Day so much yesterday I took another one today. I surfed with my friend Andy who is leaving in awhile for his second tour of duty in Iraq (where the surf is horrible).
Needless to say for an hour and half we had an epic surfing session.
I don't mean to sound like a dumb surfer but it was so cool!
I have not surfed waves like that since Hawaii. Big rolling crests that you could ride for what seemed like forever.
It certainly did put a big smile on my face and made me feel pretty darn good. Now I feel like a dorky Mary sunshine but I don't care, I might just have to have another Labor Day tomorrow.

Monday, September 05, 2005

My Labor Day

For the 456 of you who called me today and said, "what, on Labor Day, does that mean YOU have to work since YOU never really have a real job?" I say to you...Your mom goes to college.

I work.

I just don't work like you work.

I work 10 minutes to an hour at a time slaving under hot lights and a microphone to bring joy to sick children and puppies.

So just because I don't have a 9 to 5 job or get to go to a company picnic doesn't mean I don't work.

I think my mom would say you are all jealous of me. Work on that and don't call unless you have something nice to say or you are calling because you found a wad of cash in the street cause that might be mine, I dropped it.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Sly and the Family Stone

Where are you guys? If your not all dead I expect a concert at one of my local Indian casinos by the end of the month.

M&M's are too a good breakfast mom! Especially with coffee, mmmmm.

Did I mention I gained a few pounds from my travels? Too much Schnitzel and strudel,good thing the 3day walk is coming up. What's that? You forgot to donate to help end breast cancer? I should give you a link.

Copy and paste until you ralph!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005


I have been busy the last few days putting the finishing touches on a nine month video project that refuses to die. But I came home today to take a break and found my two nephews swimming in the backyard with my mom. Our pool is freezing so it was just Mikey the 5 year old who was braving the cold all by his lonesome. Mikey's first day of kindergarten was Monday and he announced his presence in the classroom by asking, "hey do you guys have any video games here?
He looked at me and said, "Jewd your my best friend and you won't even come in the pool." Well you can't say no to that, so I jumped in to which I got the response of, "Jewd your my favorite Jewd."

I think I'll keep him.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Munich to Texas in 30 hours

4 am bus to Munich airport for a 7am flight
12 pm flight from Heathrow non stop to LAX
2pm arrive in LAX and leave @ 6pm to San Antonio, Texas
12:45am wondering why I am writing this and not sleeping before I have to talk to human beings tomorrow.

Saturday, August 20, 2005


I am checking my email at on high speed internet in the middle of farm land in Germany while a million other people sit outside in the mud waiting for the Pope. The difference between me and them?
I have a press pass.
Do I feel guilty?
No I do not.
To see a photo of the Pope that I took you can go to and scroll down the news box.

Thank God I got that Media Communications degree!

Did I mention there are bugs that bite and not only do they bite you but as they are sucking blood they insult your mother.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Rainy Mass

We went to a church today where the Missionaries of Charity were running a 24 hour adoration and a Display of the Life of Mother Teresa. After we had mass out in the rain and it was pretty darn cool. Tomorrow we take a train to camp out with 1 million other people and the pope. They are calling for rain...what ever does not kill me gives me material.


Waitied 9 hours in the street to see B16 for 10 seconds and it was totally worth it. As he came around the corner and drove past us I swore his eyes locked with mine. He has very deep eyes that penetrate and it went right to my heart. Wow. After he passed everyone in the line said the same thing, "did you see that, he looked right at me!" Now that's cool.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


We are in Köln as the natives spell it. Father John and about 20 kids have still notreceivedn their luggage and it's getting pretty sad to watch and smell. Currently we are stationed near the Pope's route to give him a shout out when he drives by in his pimped out Pope-mobile. We had mass this morning on the street and it was so cool. We are sitting outside a dude's restaurant named, Helmut, now that's a cool name. First born son watch out, I'm naming you Helmut, or Lichtenshtien, I can't decide.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Praise God, Clean shorts!

We left Vienna this morning and now am in Prague and wearing new clothes!
Our suitcases finally came in tonight and now I can again feel like a real human being. Who knew that after 5 days of rinsing out your clothes a person would actually kill for new knickers! If you heard about a plane crashing on it's way to Prague, don't worry, I was not on it...I hope you gathered that much when you started reading this, but hey who knows how you silly Americans think.
My German accent is coming along quite nice and I can communicate with the elderly and special kids.

Friday, August 12, 2005


Hello from London Heathrow Airport! I did get a window seat and I slept 8 hours out of the 9 hour flight. Because of an airline srike we spent the night here last night at a swanky hotel and now our group of 64 are split into 4 different flights. We have had fun with calling speed bumps, humps and eating bangers and mash. We say, mind you step and cheers too. The one thing I can't understand here is what people have against deoterant. Wow, who needs coffee in the morning to get you going when you can smell that!
On to Vienna!

Monday, August 08, 2005

I am Slow.

So I think I may be a little slow, ok I might be considered functionally retarded in some states. I cannot pack a suitcase! I usually pack way too much and when I get to my destination have nothing that I need. Look at me, I'm in Hawaii and all I packed was sweaters! For the past three days our Family Room has been ground zero for my packing. I start to pack but then find something shiny that distracts me and all of a sudden it's four hours later and I have my Sesame Street Disco 8-tracks and a slinky in my suitcase. See what I was talking about earlier about being slow? Usually what ends up happening is my mom has to talk me though it, "Jewd, do you really think you will need this ski pole while you are in Germany?" She is the voice of reason. But that's my problem, I just might just need a ski pole in Germany and they I'll be up the creek without a pole. I'm pretty sure I can take out my 2 iron out of my suitcase because who am I fooling, I can't hit a 2 iron!

Friday, August 05, 2005

United We Sit

I awoke yesterday at St. Meinards in Indiana around 6am and after saying goodbye to the Benedicts I drove to Kentucky to catch my flight. When I checked in I got my seat assignments and my heart dropped, the flight from Louisville to Chicago was a window seat but the one from Chicago to San Diego I was in the dreaded middle seat. Now most people hate sitting in the middle but I think I hate it more than the average person. I am what you would call a little Closter phobic. I need to either see out the window to see the Glory of God out in the clouds or I need to be in the aisle so I can run to the emergency exit before the plane goes under water. When I asked "Darlene" about the availability of anything other than a middle seat she just stared at me and told me I had to wait till I got to Chicago to change it. Thanks Darlene, you rock my world.
I said a little prayer to God while sitting on that plane, I said "God you can do anything! You made the hippo. Please let me not be stuck in a middle seat for 4 hours, I trust in YOU!"

I sat on the little plane and we taxied out to the tarmac and then we stopped. The captain came over the intercom (why do they always sound like they just woke up from a nap?) and told us that all flights going into Chicago were grounded but it would probably only be for about 10 minutes. One hour later we were still sitting on the ground unless it only took 20 minutes to get to Chicago I was going to miss my flight and that's what happened. Well not exactly missed, you can't go on a flight that was cancelled. Super, I called home and my dad said, "Oh United just called and said they booked you on another flight." "Great! Which one” I asked. "I couldn't hear it was a recording and I was outside and they didn't repeat it,” he said. So I collected my luggage and booked it into O’Hare. I found a kiosk and checked in and found out that I was booked on the flight to San Diego that left in 2 hours and oh look, the middle seat! The line for customer service was at least a hundred angry people long and there was no way I was going to make it through before my flight left. So I went and parked myself at the gate to wait for the helpful agent to arrive. Still my prayer was, God, you can so do this. Minutes before the flight was to board she arrived, obviously mad that she had to be here and not, I don’t know, anywhere else in the world. I went up and said, "Hello, how are you today?" Nothing. "I have a little bit of a problem, see I have a ticket for the middle seat and I have an inner ear thing that tends to make me hurl if I don't sit on the aisle or by a window.’ She stared at me and said, “The flight is full ma’am.” With all my dignity I said to her, “well, I warned you, if I have to sit in the middle I will scream from the time we take off from when we land in San Diego, you have a super day!” I got on and sat in the death seat. I tried to calm myself with happy thoughts, maybe at least a cute grandma will sit next to me or my rich Irish Catholic doctor. No, a large man talking on his phone to his girlfriend about things that would make Howard Stern blush and a tweeker surfer dude that blinked way too much and kept asking me if I surfed in Mexico. “Oh dear God just take me home now!” was my final silent prayer just as the voice came over the intercom. “Ah folks, we are currently waiting for your Captain, seems he has not checked in yet and we need him to fly the plane, and should just be a few more minutes.” Forty minutes later the flight was cancelled. I collected my bags (thank God I did not check them) and ran like a crazy person back to the customer service where I went straight to the red phone to talk to Russia or a customer service person. “All of our flights to San Diego are booked ma’am”. I said nothing and let my silence speak for my disappointment. About 20 seconds went by until she said, “I can route you through Texas and Denver” I think bye now she felt my rage through the phone and she said, “ American Airlines has a flight leaving at 5:05pm I can put you on that.”
Now I started the 10 mile hike to terminal 3, I arrived and showed the man at the ticket booth my hand which I had written the flight information on. He looked down and typed looked up at me with distain before looking down again and typed some more before handing me my boarding pass.
I looked down and saw it, 19A!
A window!

That’s when I knew without a doubt that God is real and He listens.

I am convinced He canceled 2 flights so I could have a window seat. Sure He could have done it in a more timely fashion, but what lesson would that have taught me? Do I really think God thinks that much about little old me to go through all that trouble so I could have a window seat?

I do.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Hello - Goodbye

Back from Steubenville San Diego and going to bed so I can wake up to catch a flight to Indiana...long letter to follow.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

I Won't Dance, Don't Ask Me!

Steubenville San Diego this weekend and then off to Indiana on Monday, I travel to all the glamorous parts of the country!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

So much to say

Did you know the best donut place in my town is right next to the "Curves" gym for women?

Never question when the man at Albertos (or Hermbertos, Josebertos, Sallybertos) gives you 899 napkins. You might need them when your breakfast burrito explodes onto your lap while you are driving.

If your dogs stands at the closet and barks like there is an axe wielding midget clown, there probably is and you should leave the house and never come back.

Sometimes Verizon does stop working for me.

On the show "Celebrity Fit Club" they are neither celebrities or fit.

If you give a bunch of stuff away to GoodWill, the next day you will be looking for your left handed potato peeler.

Sunday, July 24, 2005


First reading today is pretty cool. Jesse, David and Solomon seem like they could have had there own Discovery channel show, à la American Chopper.

Friday, July 22, 2005

I get it, it's hot!

Thank you news caster lady for telling me that, "boy it was a hot one today."

The good thing about this hot weather we have right now in San Diego is that the water is warm! Now that the Red Tide is gone I am surfing like a crazy person until I have to get on a airplane again. The only problem I am having is transportation. The morning I left for Portland my car would not go into reverse. A week in the shop later, the transmission man found that a brand new part he had put in when he fixed my transmission in March had exploded! So I am a big dorky loser borrowing my parent’s cars until the Ford ‘Exploder’ gets out of the shop. Do you suppose there is room on the city bus for a 9 foot 6 inch surfboard?

Stay cool.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

What I Learned on a 14 Hour Car Trip...

Kids will be good for short amounts of time if you bribe them.
Kids will be good for a longer amount of time if you threaten their life.

Friday, July 15, 2005

It's 4 A.M... you know where your Jewd is?

Time me, I'm going to a car...with 2 kids...under 9...not medicated!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


Way to go Steve!
You are person of the day...
See, this is why I don't have a "person of the day" on my web site, thanks for the suggestion though.

Monday, July 11, 2005

3,2,1, Blast Off

In 3 days I will be in my sister's SUV with her and my nephews driving to Portland Oregon.
I did the math and that's 1074.6 miles.
Approximate Travel Time: 16 hours 31 min
Approximate time until nephews try to kill each other: 20 minutes 32 seconds.
I have a rosary and Holy water to sprinkle on them so I should be OK. Please let me know if I can pick you up anything in Portland, no sales tax ya know! My Notre Dame Squirrel movie is almost done, still working out some kinks, who knew it would be so hard to get the squirrels to give each other high fives. The stunt squirrel union has all sorts of rules and hoops you have to jumps through (no pun intended).
We went to the beach today but I didn't surf it was cold and cloudy and I had more fun watching my nephews boogie board in three inches of water.

Saturday, July 09, 2005


Notre Dame was awesome and I can't wait to go back.

Two airplanes later I am back in my kitchen listening to my dogs snore, life is good...Except for those darn rabid Indiana squirrels!

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Naked in South Bend

OK, not really naked but the airline did lose my luggage somewhere from San Diego to Chicago. Luckily for me my friend and her husband were waiting for me at my hotel and they whisked me away to a 24 hour store to buy the necessities in life. So far I'm having a great time in Indiana! I can see the dome from my room, I have wireless internet and I saw fireflies. Did you know you can buy fireworks at the Walmart here? How cool is it that Walmarts are open 24 hours, I could have high self esteem anytime of the day or night!
Wow, good times for all.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005


That project that was started in January crashed last night and for a brief moment in time I was very angry. I opened up the movie and the audio was there but the moving pictures (an essential element to a movie) were gone. After promising God I would be a nun and feed the poor and eat all my vegetables it finally came back. I lost three days worth of edits but it's better than losing six months worth.
Sister Judy

Monday, June 27, 2005

Home Again

I am back in my own house tonight and I never noticed how crowded it is in here. I am a person who likes my space. I can spend long periods of time being alone and be fine. But I like having the option of someone being around just in case I start choking on an olive pit. I like the safety net. For those who really don't like other people I can see how owning pets is the ideal. Not that a Golden Retriever could perform the heimlich maneuver, in a pinch maybe dial 911, but you are still out of luck if you choke on the pit.
I spent the day editing a video that we have been working on since January. If I get it done soon it would mean a paycheck and I could buy my mom a really cool birthday present and not another framed picture of her with some famous dead person that I made on the computer. This week I am starting another film with my nephews for an upcoming conference. They are excited about the project but a bit weary of bunji jumping with the homemade equipment. I told them to buck up because they are 5 and 9 now and not little kids anymore.
So much to do this week before I go to Notre Dame.
Will I get it all done?
Probably not, but I've learned to deal with my imperfections already I figure everybody else should as well.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Reader Mail

Dear Judy,
My mom says I should stay in school and be a doctor. But I want to be a stand up comedian. I really like your comedy and wonder, where do you get your ideas?
Billy McCloskey
Toledo, Ohio

Dear Billy,
You should listen to your mother and be a doctor! Just remember this, doctor's can always tell jokes but stand up comedians can't perform surgery.
As for the ideas for my comedy, I just listen to the voices.
Stay in school Billy!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

The Truth Shall Set You Free!

SEOUL (Reuters) -South Korea's baseball players have been banned from putting frozen cabbage leaves under their caps to beat the summer heat.
The Korea Baseball Organization (KBO) took action after Doosan Bears pitcher Park Myung-hwan's cap fell off during a game last weekend, revealing his secret cooling agent.
"Park has been using frozen cabbage to cool down since last summer, but we didn't know until now," KBO chief of referees Heo Koo-youn told Reuters Wednesday. Park, who twice dropped leaves on the mound during last Sunday's game with the Hanhwa Eagles, said he was disappointed with the ruling but would not appeal. "I'm sensitive to the heat and my wife recommended I put frozen cabbage leaves under my cap to cool my head," he said. "I will respect the KBO's decision. Even without the cabbage, my pitching won't be affected."

I'm so glad this problem is finally out in the open. For the longest time I thought it was just me. It started innocently enough. I would freeze a leaf of cabbage or a slice of pepper and keep it on person on hot days. But then the weather cooled and I kept the vegetables. It seemed I couldn't get out of the house with out putting something from the crisper under my hat. When I wasn't able to wear a hat I started putting radishes in my shoes. I kept a garden out in the back and I would sneak out late at night and put carrot in my ears, what a rush!
All these years I had stayed away from drugs and alcohol and what got me in the end was the one thing my mom was making me try!

I'm just glad that this is out in the open, I feel much better.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Not Over The Hill

Tonight to my delight when I turned on the TV I thought I saw my grandma, turns out it was just Benny Hill dressed like a woman. Please don't think I am a horrible person until you have seen a picture of my grandma.

Benny Hill was a show that I use to watch late at night with my dad, it was almost as good as when I could stay up and watch Carson. Of course at the time I got none of the jokes on Benny Hill (not to be confused with Benny Hinn who is funny in his own right)but knew it was funny even then. Now when I watch TV I just get sad.

After Benny Hill I started flipping and had to turn off the TV when I stumbled upon, "Celebrity Charades". It's bad enough when you have to play with your family, why on earth would I want to watch "celebrities" play it. That's like watching a channel with other people's vacation slides, "oh and this was me and Uncle Bob at the lakes, right before he got sick and the doctor had to take his leg."

No thank you.

I want the variety show back. Not Nick and Jessica's variety show, no ABC, you got it wrong. Even the Muppet shows of the 70's had more entertainment value than anything on TV today. When it comes down to it, people like costume changes. Lot's of feathers and boas. Did you hear me network TV? Bring back the network variety show bad sketches and all!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Donde Esta El Gato?

I am taking care of a friends 2 dogs, hermit crabs and cat...Where is that cat?

My family has had a few cats over the years but they have never lasted long. The reason is mostly because of my dad's alleged allergy to cat's ergo the kitties have to live outside. That's the major factor og our cat's short life span: LIVING OUTSIDE. We have lot's of coyotes in my neck of the woods and there is nothing coyotes love more than nibbling on kitties. I remember Oreo, aptly named because he had a delicious cookie shell and a creamy fluffy filling. No he was a black and white cat and I got to name him and I was four. Oreo lasted about 6 months until a pack of coyotes discovered how good those O-R-E-O's are.
After a few more cats we gave up. We are dog people and we are happy with that. I can name all the dogs I have ever had:

**Kraut (my dad's Weimaraner who could do no wrong, all around wonder dog)

**Fluffer (my little white dog who I would take down the slide with me and walk in a stroller, at the time I thought she loved it, now I can see why she committed suicide)

**Snickers (chocolate lab who use to snap at my 80 year old grandma)

**Early (my first golden retriever who I taught to surf on a body board)

***JJ (My roommate and I went halfsies on this chiwawa during college. I got the front half.)

*Mac (replacement for Early when he was hit by a car, only Golden I know who bites small children. He is also a swimmer)

*Chewie (yellow lab that was adopted from my sister and has had thousands of dollars worth of training but still chews everything in sight.)

*Still living with us
**In heaven with Jesus and all the Saints and Angels

***Still alive but not living with me

I have nothing againts cats, I just feel safer with 2 dogs guarding me in this house rather than 2 cats. What is a cat going to do if an axe weilding midget clown comes in the house? Hack up a fur ball?

All this talk has made me hungry for some oreo cookies but before I partake I need to find the cat and get him INSIDE!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

It's Summer Time!

Today marks the first day of summer or if you are like me and live and Southern California today marks Tuesday.

I have often wondered if I have missed something by not experiencing seasons. I had the seasons, they just never changed, that's not true once in 1993 is dipped down under 60 degrees and I had to put on a sweater.

The beginning of summer makes me reminiscent of camping at Carlsbad State Beach with my family. Camping to me involves a large motor home with running water and a TV but camping nonetheless.

It makes me think back to when I was too little to go swimming alone and would sit right where the waves would crash on the beach. If I sat there long enough the tide would go in and out and I would sink down into the wet sand. When I would finally get up there would be so much sand in the nylon pocket of my bikini bottoms that my mom would have to come and help me deposit 8 pounds of sand back on the beach.

Next time you are at the beach do yourself a favor and sit at the shore for a while, but not too long in case your mom is not there.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Not Without My Lenny!

Father's Day came and went with me still winning as favorite daughter. Nothing official was announced but I am confident that my mass card, pool cleaning and free car wash coupon was dad's best gift. Yes I am 28 and have to make coupon cards for my parent's presents, don't judge!
My mom started cleaning out some drawers yesterday and found an envelope containing a bunch of birth certificates. Don't worry; they weren’t from all the kids that were naughty so they got rid of them (that story only worked for a brief while in the 80's with me when I was naughty). They were Cabbage Patch Birth Certificates. Like the stories we get on our birthdays about how long she was in labor these certificates brought back a wave of pain and suffering for mom. She would wait in long lines early in the morning waiting for “the release” of a few dolls. She finally acquired three for us girls and we “adopted” them on Easter morning 1988. At the time Cabbage Patch dolls were the hottest things going. Hotter than Paris Hilton saying, “that’s hot” while she herself is on fire.
My Cabbage Patch Doll was a preemie named Lenny and it was love at first sight. His baldhead had been soaked in what I’m sure was some carcinogenic chemical that made it smelled like baby powder. He had the signature on his little butt, to prove he was an authentic Cabbage Patch. He was perfect, right down to his little…oh dear God, what’s wrong with Lenny’s hands!

Here is the letter my mom wrote to the Cabbage Patch Quality Control People:

May 6, 1984

Please find enclosed pictures of our newly acquired darling, Lenny Dwane. Like every other mom in the country, I have been stalking the stores trying to acquire doll for our 3 girls. I was lucky enough to happen into a “Best” Store in Oceanside, California before Easter and purchased one. Our youngest girl was given Lenny as an Easter gift. That’s the good news, now for the bad news.
We discovered that Lenny’s right hand was backwards and smaller than his left one. He’ll never be able to make a fist (let alone ever eat an ice cream cone with that hand).
We know we could never get Lenny away from Judy to send back for proof, so we took pictures of his deformity. We thought for what we go through to pay and purchase a Cabbage Patch Kid, Quality Control should see.

Thank you,

Ginny McDonald
(Lenny’s Grandma)

Enclosed with the letter was a photo of my brave adopted son Lenny with his little backwards withered hand, reminiscent to Corporal Radar O’Reilly from MASH (didn’t you ever think it was weird that you never saw his one hand?).

On May 23 we received this letter back: I have added my own feelings on the letter in brackets.

Dear Ms. McDonald,

We have received your recent letter regarding Cabbage Patch and are sorry to hear you are having problems.[Send out a form letter! My kid’s hand is on backwards!] The impact that Cabbage Patch Kids have made on everyone, including all of us at Coleco, has been phenomenal. [Cha Ching!] For this reason, we have created a Cabbage Patch Repair Center. [ on a Cabbage Patch TV special they showed this place as a kind of hospital where “doctors” and “nurses” tended to Cabbage Patch kids who had been involved in serious car accidents or badly burned in a grease fire. I vividly remember seeing an ambulance pull up to said center and a paramedic jumping out of the back with a bandaged up Cabbage Patch Kid.] If the Cabbage Patch Kid is less than 30 days
old, please send Cabbage Patch Kid, along with a copy of your sales slip to Coleco for repair.[What happened to the ambulance?] If beyond 30 days, or the result of damage other than a factory defect, return to Coleco for repair along with $7.50 to cover the cost of repair, and shipping and handling [That’s actually pretty good health insurance. $7.50 co-pay for transportation and what would probably be a very tricky hand replacement surgery.] Should the Cabbage Patch Kid be beyond practical repair, [terminal] the Cabbage Patch and your $7.50 will be returned. [for pain and suffering]

If we may be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact us at the above address. [perhaps they offer a Cabbage Patch Kid Grief counseling program]

Sincerely yours, [That’s a warm touch]


20 years later and Lenny is doing fine. We kept Lenny "as is" and it taught me a valuable lesson:

Dolls really don't use their hands that much.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Graduation Day

Today is my nephew Mikey's last day of pre-school.
If you are very quiet you can hear the joyful sobs of his teacher.
Look out kindergarten!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Garden Intervention

Do other plants get mad when they find out their friends are on Miracle Grow?

Wednesday, June 15, 2005


As I was drinking my can of V8 juice today and getting my servings of vegetables it started me thinking. But then my brain hurt so I had to stopped. After I laid down for a minute and waited the dizziness to pass, I started thinking again. If they can cram a serving of vegetables into a can why not other things? Why not have M8, made with your essential meat for the day? Why not pork, rib eye and some chicken in a delicious canned drink? For the person on the go, or for people with no teeth. I should have had a M8!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

It's a Bird, no...what the heck is that?

Back from Florida and I had a great time. I met some really cool people and that's weird considering it is so hot in Florida. Here in Southern California we do not have this thing called "humidity" and for that I am grateful. Several times I left the door open so I could in fact try to cool down the whole state with the AC but alas, it did not work. I learned all about the joys of sitting in the exit row of the plane and how it can be just like first class, except different. I experienced the surreal act of watching 'Golden Girls' for an hour and a half until I realized I was not watching the TV show but actual elderly women outside my window. Surprisingly they were just as entertaining as Blanche, Sophia, Dorothy and Rose. I was fascinated with a large bird that I have never seen where I live until someone explained, "that's no bird, it's a bug"!

Friday, June 10, 2005

Zoom, Zoom

Up and out the door at 5am to catch a 6:30am flight to Florida. Cold to heat, this is very glamerous!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


Oh boy, today I saw the sun! I think it was the sun, not having seen it since I left San Diego. It was an intense fire ball in the sky. I stared directly into it for awhile just to make sure it was the sun. Now I see spots, is that normal? It's come to this; pure joy from seeing a flaming ball of gas.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Good Will Hunting

This morning we woke up to 47 degrees and raining, not funny God! It's June, this is just ridiculous. Needless to say we were freezing so after we dropped the kids off at school we headed out to buy some jackets. We were going to the mall when my Scottish senses (like spidey senses except different) kicked in. Cheap clothing was near, but where? There, on the left! I saw the brilliant Blue Block letter that spelled out: GOODWILL.
I got a North Face fleece, retail price $75.
Goodwill price, $4.99!
And in Oregon when they say $4.99, it's just $4.99 because there is no sales tax here baby!
Tomorrow, who knows maybe a trip to the Salvation Army! As long as you wash it before you wear it, everything should be OK.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Rain Rain

Go Away!
Found out why Portland is so rains non-stop! It was cute at first but now it's just annoying. A little overkill if you ask me. The good thing about people up here is that life does not stop for rain. If it did stop every time it rained, well, it would stop a lot. Another good thing about Portland is the endless supply of fleece. It must be cheaper up here because everybody wears it. Fleece jackets, fleece socks, fleece underwear, everything!
Also an endless supply of bookstores and coffee shops. In San Diego when it is chilly and rainy I love to curl up by the fire with a good book and drink a warm beverage. So it just makes sense that when it rains everyday those businesses would make a killing. Caffeinated learned people up here.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I am in Portland, Oregon

It really is true: If you want to go to Ireland but can't afford it, go to Portland Oregon.
It's just as green and they have better teeth.

What I learned today

I just got back from the Hollywood Bowl and have to make this quick so I can go to bed before I have to catch a flight.

Today I learned that God can use a German Shepard to be someone's guardian angel....more on that one later.

I also learned that Martin Sheen likes a Prairie Home Companion....more on that later.

I am also still smiling from being able to meet (thanks Thomas) and sit down and talk to Garrison Keillor....way more on that later.

If you are reading this blog and don't know who Martin Sheen, Garrison Keillor or a german shepard is stop right now. Press control + N, open a new page and Google them. Come on people, educate yourself!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Happy 80th Anniversary!

LONDON - A British husband and wife revealed the secrets of the longest marriage of any living couple on Wednesday as they celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary — don't sleep on an argument, always share a kiss and hold hands before going to bed.

Percy Arrowsmith, 105, and his 100-year-old wife Florence, were married on June 1, 1925, after meeting at their local church in Hereford, western England, where he sang in the choir and she was a Sunday school teacher.

Queen Elizabeth sent her congratulations to the Arrowsmiths, who celebrated their anniversary Wednesday with coffee and nibbles at home with family and friends.

"What a splendid achievement. I send you my warm congratulations and best wishes for your 80th wedding anniversary," the Queen wrote in a card to the couple.

The Arrowsmiths, who have three children, six grandchildren and nine great-grandchildren, claim the key to their long marriage is not to go to sleep on an argument. They say they always kiss each other and hold hands each night before going to bed.

"He can't settle down if I'm not holding his hand," Mrs. Arrowsmith was quoted as saying last month.

The couple's daughter Jane Woolley said her parents were both "very perky."

"She (Mrs. Arrowsmith) says she can't dance any longer but it feels good to have been married for 80 years. She says she can still have a drink," Woolley said.

Guinness World Records said the pair held records for the longest marriage for a living couple and the oldest aggregate age of a married couple.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

1,800 Catholics Can't Be Wrong

I had a fun time this weekend at the Life Teen 20th Anniversary weekend. I had a really fun set on Saturday night followed by Tom Wilson and then the band, Green wait it was Third Day. I met all sorts of cool people and ate food that I didn't have to cook, so that was a bonus. I was blessed to stay at Paris Hilton's sisters Hotel; Anaheim Hilton.


On the way home from the conference my Ford Explorer went, "KAKLUNK" on the freeway. I just turned up the radio like I usually do and that seemed to take care of the problem. But then later that afternoon when I was driving down to San Diego to meet my friends for the Padre game it happened again and this time I couldn't get it out of gear. I think my car knows when my checking account dips below a certain amount of money. I'm so glad I bought that new transmission a month ago, it was totally worth it! I'm taking it in this afternoon and if it needs any money to fix it, I'm just going to have to put it to sleep.
I'll just walk to the beach with my 10 foot surfboard on my head like my forefathers did when they wanted to surf.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Sink or Swim

I have been swimming a lot lately and it's beginning to pay off. For one thing my hair is turning from brown with light streaks to brown with chlorine streaks. I am shrinking in size because it turns out this eating healthy and exercising thing actual works; go figure. I also seem to be turning from my normal Irish pasty white to a more brownish color so people have stopped using me to tan off of at the beach.

Monday, May 23, 2005

He Went to the Dark Side

May 22, 2005 (SPRINGFIELD, Ill.) — Authorities say they haven't made any arrests in last night's robbery of a Springfield movie theater.

Springfield police Lieutenant Dave Dodson says a man wearing a Darth Vader mask walked into the Showplace Eight theater around nine-15 p-m last night. He says the man shoved an employee out of the way and grabbed an undetermined amount of cash before running out of the theater and into a nearby wooded area.

No weapons were displayed.

Dodson says no arrests have been made and police do not have any suspects.

Among the movies playing at Showplace Eight is "Star Wars: Episode Three-Revenge of the Sith."

Sunday, May 22, 2005

6 Miles

I walked 6 miles today which is SO stupid. It was 80 degrees out and I walked through the worst part of Vista (so it was a brisk pace), I am training for the 60 mile 3 day Breast Cancer walk which takes place in October.
When walking, you see things that you don't see as you zoom by in the car. Those 6 miles allowed me to see all the pretty trailer parks in my town.
Only one car honked at me (I must not have been having a cute day) but two different cars almost hit me as I tried to cross the street in the crosswalk on a walk signal. One crazy man selling newspapers made friendly conversation with me but he was also having a few other conversations in his head so we never really never hit it off. All in all I'd rather drive.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Keep on Truckin'

Do you suppose after the 1977 release of "Smokey and the Bandit" there was a influx of people signing up for trucker school? Do you suppose they were disappointed when they found out it was nothing like the movie?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Now That's Good TV!

I have it on very good authority that they are bringing back, "Battle of the Network Stars"!
When I was little this show was right up there with the "Smurfs" and "You Can't Do That On Television". What! You don't remember it? It was a series from the 70's in which teams of TV stars from the 3 major broadcast networks compete against each other in physical challenges.
In my day it was cool people from "Dukes of Hazzard" or "Chips", now I suppose Paris Hilton will be mud wrestling some reality TV show dork. Oh man, I shouldn't get my hopes up there is no way this show will be as good, it can't! Howard Cosell is dead.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Oh Crop!

A new crop is in at the McDonald farm.
We have berries people.
We got blackberries, we got raspberries and we got boysenberries, oh my. And oh ya I know it would sound better to say, "we have" but "we got" has more of a down home farm feeling to it.

I'm glad I was born when I was and not when my food had to come from whatever I grew or killed because I would have starved to death. This gardening stuff sure does take a long time and it cost a lot too. I could have bought a new car with all the money I have spent on seeds and soil so far. Of course this car would have been made out of cardboard, but still.
I have been warned that soon the bunnies will come. I was scared until my mom explained the bunnies would eat stuff out of my garden and not try to attack me personally.
This put me at ease.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Non-Flying Birds

I buried two baby birds today. They were from the same nest right outside my front door and I guess they failed their first attempt at flight.
Birds are hard core creatures.
Lets build our nest really high AND over a cactus.
It’s like sink or swim, except different.
So birds sit on their eggs and out comes that beak and that can’t be comfortable for whoever’s turn it is to sit on the egg that day.
Then they have the baby birds and their squawking, feed me feed me feed me! So the mommy and daddy birds go get food and eat it and then they baggghhhh in the baby’s mouth.
Aren’t you glad cats don’t feed kittens that way?
Then when they are sick of feeding them they push them out of the nest and hope they picked up on the flying somewhere along the way; perhaps from a friend at school or maybe PBS.
We humans have it easy! First and foremost our cribs are on the ground and not over cactus.

Don’t even get me started on those poor baby giraffes!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Frohe Weihnachten!

This summer I am going to Germany with 5 million other Catholics…on purpose.

In preparation I am catching up on the language, you know, learning the lingo. To let you take a glimpse into my world I thought I would share with you the phrases in German that I have been practicing in front of the mirror in my Wonder Woman pajamas.

Please - Bitte

Thank you - Danke

I don't think so! (said like Fred Willard in A Mighty Wind) - Das glaube ich nicht

I hate clowns - Ich hasse clowns

Monday, May 09, 2005

Career Move?

campanologist \kam-puh-NAH-luh-jist\ noun
: one that practices or is skilled in the art of bell ringing.

Friday, May 06, 2005

I Knew It!

A recent study found the least ethical people are junior high students, who came in behind prison inmates.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Where Do You Buy Your Corn?

I buy mine at Walmart and when I was there today buying my watermelon and corn I overheard something I must share. Of course you buy the corn and watermelon in any part of the store but I am a purist and insist on purchasing and checking out in the lawn and garden center. While in the check out line the couple in front of me were admiring the patio furniture. Admiring to the point of laying down in one of the lounge chairs and commenting, "oh honey, this is so comfortable. It would freak out the dogs because it rocks but it would look good in the living room."

Have you heard the expression, it's funny because its true? Well this calls for the expression it's sad because it's true.

Just one more example of why I will always buy corn at Walmart.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Take Me Out...

OK, we can go to the ballgame. Uncle Earl called tonight and offered my family 4 tickets to tonight's Padre game. I discovered something about myself; I really don't understand baseball. I get the catching the ball and hitting and throwing it, but I don't get all the strategy and that makes me mad. Mad because the drunkard lady sitting next to my friend and hitting in him in the ribs anytime anything happened seem to understand everything that was going on. It's like in high school when I played basketball. It would be the last minute of an important game and we were in a timeout. The coach was telling us something, writing on a white board and then the whistle blew and I was back on the court watching everybody run a play. Huh, I guess I should have listened in the huddle.
I have the attention span of a small dog, with a head injury.
Getting back to the whole baseball problem. I want to learn, I want to grow and understand stats and sacrifice flies and taking one in the head for the team. That reminds me, I was really good at that. I could always get on base; the helmet really took the brunt of most of the pitch.
What were we talking about?
Oh yes butterflies.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Water aerobics at the Y!

It's official; Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond does water aerobics at the YMCA just like me. I have started watching Matlock too, has the downward spiral started? Is this the beginning of the end?
I've been eating dinner at 4:30, with coffee.
Does this mole look bad?
Do you know who died?
Whoa what just happened?

I have to go watch MTV and vote or die; that's what people my age do I guess.
Right after Golden Girls and a glass of Metamucil

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Judy Apple Seed

Today was a great day.
My mom and I drove over to my nephew's birthday party or we intended to go. Once we were at the dorky Yu-Gi-Oh card shop we discovered the party is actually tomorrow. I'm currently reviewing what nursing homes to put her in. All the ones I called so far said she is too young and there is nothing wrong with her and to stop calling. One good thing did come out of the trip; I found a new place to go if my self-esteem ever dwindles. Grown men playing a card game based on a childrens Japanese cartoon is liquid gold! Better than a Wal-Mart, better than hanging out at the bus depot and better than challenging the seniors at the park to race and run wind sprints.

The day got better when my ADD medicine kicked in and I was able to hyper focus on gardening. I found these packages of different wild flowers and an assortment of flower seeds. But before I could plant the buggers I had to clear half an acre of dead ice plant and snails. My grandma had the right idea when dealing with snails. She would put out little saucers of beer for them and they would drink the beer and die; I guess because snails don't have livers. Grandma killed but did it in a humane way. Not my mom. She chucks them against the fence or just plain steps on them. I think she might have some pent up rage. It's probably against me because she found the brochures I sent away for from the "homes". I really don't know how she could miss them since I tape them to her bathroom mirror.

I planted 3 different packages which all boasted, "Contains over 10,000 seeds", 10,000 seeds to a packet! Flower seeds on steroids! I planted over 30,000 seeds today and I will be happy if 3 flowers come up. I don't actually have a black thumb but it sure isn't green!

Three weeks ago I cleared a place near the trashcans and where the dogs "do their business" to plant a garden. I have tomatoes, green beans, beets, jalapeños, bell peppers, pumpkins and sunflowers. Today I found 5 billion ants live in my garden, snails are eating everything and the dogs still "do their business" despite my constant requests for them to cease and desist. So I think I'm going to give my vegetables away this year.
Tell all your friends!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

So happy!

I found two dollars in my pocket tonight.
That's two dollars more than I had before I put my hand in my pocket.
That makes me happy because it's like making money without doing anything, like a raise from God.

Who is Ty Pennignton kidding? He's selling forks at Sears that he designed
How hard is it to design a fork? I don't think very, it's not like you can reinvent the fork.
They tried once, it was called the spork.

I'm going to go try to be good again so I can make more money next time I check my pockets.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

My New Baby!

Born: April 26, 2005
Height: 9 feet 6 inches
I picked up my new Skip Frye board today! I waited almost 8 moths for this board and I can't believe it's finally done! I am too afraid to ride it because it is so pretty and shiny, I just know I'm going to drop it; or some kook is going to run into me and take a chunk out of it. Skip already rode it a few times and said it is very fast and fun. I think it's a good sign that after he shaped the board he couldn't wait to ride it. This also means I won't have to go to old lady H20 exercise as much since I can surf in style. This is good since the grandmas in the class were starting to get very jealous of my sweet water moves.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Oh my!

I'm going to throw something out there but you have to promise not to judge me. OK here it goes...

Flaming Hot Cheetos with limon are quite good.

Are you judging me? For years I have seen little kids at schools eating bags of these things. I finally broke down and bought a bag to see what the big deal is. There must be cocaine in them because I ate the whole bag. They were not what I would call "good to eat" yet I could not stop eating them. Now I feel dirty and know that if any of my "food snob" friends find out about my bad habits I might be out of the circle of trust. But I don't care. I love you Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon and I don't care who knows!

And yes Limon means lemon magically morphed with lime, I didn't spell it wrong!