Thursday, December 31, 2009
2010 also brought an opportunity to host my own late night talk show. I declined the offer but kept the free t-shirt.
While on a trip to Ireland I fell down a hill and landed on my now fiance Dr. Seamus Patrick Sean Murphy. He doesn't practice medicine anymore since he's so good at it. We don't marry in 2010 because I told him I won't get hitched until he gets his handicap down. Like I'd marry somebody with a 4 handicap, please, as if.
2010 also brought my 200,000 air mile which earned me the right to wear the pilots hat and 2 free refills on flights over 4 hours long as longs as no one has a bomb in their knickers.
Summer of 2010 was quite embarrassing. While out for a late surf session a photographer from Sports Illustrated snapped a shot of me which landed on the cover which a major wash-board company president saw and signed me as there spokesperson.
The best part of 2010 in my opinion was my Oscar nominee for my portrayal as Michelle Obama, but that's another story, for another time.
Who'd a thunk it, little ole me?
2010 was a great year!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I don't know if God found a sale on spiders or what, but for the past week we have had a spider population explosion at our house. Our front walk way has hedges on either side, a perfect alleyway for spiders looking to catch a bug, a fly or a human in their web. You can hear when someone in my family forgets that they are there because a giant groan can be heard when the web hits their face.
What really got my Spidey Senses tingling was when I walked through yet another spider web on my way out to the movies last week.
Fast-forward 45 minutes, I am sitting in a darkened theater with my friends enjoying X-Men 3. My head itches. Hmmm, I used the special shampoo that was supposed to take care of that. It keeps itching right on top of my forehead. I didn't want to look like the crazy friend who scratches her head so much that she is forced to wear mittens, but I had no choice so I went to scratch and that's when I found it. As I scratched something went 'squish' between my fingers... I had found the source of my itch, I was playing host to a spider!
Mortified, I grabbed the flattened furry beast and flung it. Now in retrospect, I probably flung it onto someone else's head and caused them great distress but I panicked and in my defense I was severely traumatized. Why am I telling you about spiders? Well, because I am very lonely since my friends found out about my spider problem, and spider webs and sin have a lot in common.
In my life I see my sin as one of those spider webs I walk into from time to time. I hate when I walk into it, it feels gross and after I do it I swear I'm not going to be so stupid and walk through one again.
After I walk into a web I am very vigilant about where I walk, I leave the house like a crazy person with my keys out in front of me swinging violently to knock the webs down. It works for a while, but just like those sins in my life that I tend to repeat, after awhile I forget and walk right into one again. GROSS!
So what has this taught me? Well, since said spider incident I no longer use the front door where I know the spiders are. I now go around the back and that's the truth, it's not because my parents told me to because they are embarrassed by me.
And with the sin in my life, the ones I really struggle with, I try to avoid them all together. I once had a priest tell me a story while he was hearing my confession (He was an Irish priest. They love to tell stories). He said there was this man and everyday he walked down the same road and he fell in the same hole. This made the man pretty upset; I guess cause, really, who wants to fall in a hole. So each day he would try to go around the hole but he would still fall in. He would run really fast by it, but he would still fall in the hole. He would try to jump over it; but he would still fall in the hole. Seemed no matter what he did he would fall in this hole. That is until one day the man walked down a different road and guess what? No hole.
What is a sin that you seem to "walk into" over and over again? If your reading this and you don't have one I would just like to take the opportunity to say, "Cool! Jesus is reading this! Hi Jesus, I love you!"
We all have webs of sins in our lives. Jesus gives us the strength to walk new paths around. If you haven't gone to confession for awhile, what are you waiting for? Jesus knows that from time to time we mess up and walk through those webs and he is ready through the sacrament of reconciliation to wipe those webs off and say, "What web?"
Now if that doesn't get your Spidey Senses tingling I don't know what will.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Really? I mean, really? You pushed the Pope? He's 82, what were you trying to prove? Are you bummed about Notre Dame football? And, twice in a row you bum rush my Holy Father on Christmas Eve? You have some nerve. Are you the jerk that also steals baby Jesus' out of neighborhood Nativity scenes? Well listen up coo coo clock, the Pope won't be bullied. We believe in turning the other cheek but we also believe in free weights and eating a lot of protein. All I'm saying is that don't try to push the Pope again because he'll be ready. I've offered him my services and by Lent he'll be sporting a six pack.
Your worst nightmare,
Judy "the Pope's trainer" McDonald
P.S. you owe a certain cardinal an apology and a new hip.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
- Those who live where it is not 78 degrees like it is here today. Move all ready, you know during winter it's going to snow, that's why they call it winter and not sunny happy summer time.
- People who circle the gym parking lot for 20 minutes looking for a spot close to the door so they don't have to walk far but then get inside and walk 20 miles on the treadmill.
- People who's legs are whiter than mine...I blinded a flock of seagulls whilst on the golf course yesterday and three of them died after crashing into trees.
- Whoever thought of the new Levi Strauss commercials, "Pioneers, oh pioneers." I think they need a hug, or a slap.
- Those who have never smelled puppy breathe and walked away a better person, puppy breathe is an untapped resource for world peace.
- Doctors without borders, I hope they find them soon and respect them. They are there for a reason.
- Alec Baldwin, who says he is walking away from acting in 2012 because he is bored with it, I pray he doesn't think politics will fill the void.
- The people who take the McRib off the menu. I think we are all in agreement, people love, "when the McRib is back". So just leave it on the menu and sustain the love year round. This counts for the shamrock shake as well.
- All the kids in the Gap commercials who will one day grow out of their "cutness" and will grow old, alone, bitter, wearing terribly out of date horribly small Gap sweaters from their commercial.
- Poodles...you know why.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
If you are sitting in first class and ask for a blanket the waitress will excuse themselves, go to a special closet where silk worms are kept specifically to make your blanket and unveil a brand new blanket that is shrink wrapped and under lock and key. And if a passenger from coach even looks at your blanket before you get it, the blanket is promptly burned and you are given a new one.
Back to 7F. I fell asleep but awoke just in time to see the jolly green giant next to me spilling his water in my lap. So refreshing! I then saw a cute scene, the flight man attendant (is that proper terminology?) was walking backwards as he assisted a grandma into the bathroom. He was very patient and made sure he was inside and and then he shut the door and left. He went to get the drink cart and started delivering drinks while grandma Moses just hung out in the John. I thought for sure he would have the lady stewardess take over for a while as he went to go rescue grandma from the John but he never did! Finally I rang my call button and he shot a "coach look" at me which says, I don't get paid enough to help you if you are choking but you could be Sandra Bullock and are accidentally flying in coach so I'll come help you this once but it better be good. I looked at him and said, "You left the grandma in the bathroom!" He rolled his eyes and went to the bathroom and put his ear against the door (which is way grosser than using a coach blanket) and threw his hands up in the air. I guess she wasn't ready to come out since he heard no signs of life. He walked by 7F making sure not to make eye contact and went back to serving drinks. All I could think of was the sad grandma being too short and weak to open the door and sitting back down or worse yet being thrown back onto the toilet during turbulence and accidentally hitting the flush button and being sucked out over one of the middle states. Trapped in the window seat I did the only thing a good Catholic girl could do and asked Jesus to help the grandma out. I said she could borrow my angel for awhile if she needed. As soon as I did that he went back and like a fireman rescuing someone trapped in a burning building opened the door and helped her out. I was so glad she was standing when he found her and not stuck halfway in between the plane and over a cornfield. I fell back asleep knowing that the grandma was OK and if all went right she would make it to San Diego to see her family or her Marine recruiter.
Then a very strange thing happened, I was startled awake by turbulence but more than that a smell. I had smelled that scent before. Let's just say 7F is a row back from the middle lavatory and maybe after 3 hours into this flight and 5 other flights today it had finally revolted and was done. Every time the door would open people in the first few rows of coach would put their heads further down into their pillows, sweatshirts or if he smelled OK, their neighbors arm. Like a seasoned detective going into a crime scene I reached for my childhood friend, my 3 oz container of Vicks. I slabbed some into my nose and for awhile I escaped "the smell". But after awhile it just smelled like a mixture of Vicks and "the smell". With a time check I saw the I only had 3 more hours left in the flight. No problem, I will use this time as a kind of redemptive suffering. What would Mother Teresa do in a situation like this? She rescued people from the slums and no doubt it smelled much worse than this. I can do this, I can...not do this! I'm going to explode, I am not Mother Teresa, I will never move to India, I need fresh air, I need to breathe, I hate flying, I hate coach, I should be up there in first class, I have enough miles, who do these people think they are sitting in MY SEAT?
And then I remembered or rather my exhausted Guardian Angel reminded me, I had loaded a full season of Golden Girls on my ipod before I had left. I calmly shoved more Vicks up my nose assumed as much as a fetal position as I could in my 7F home and watched 2 hours and 45 minutes of Blanche, Sophia, Rose and Dorothy until we prepared the cabin for landing. Upon touch down in San Diego I made a promise to myself. "I am not flying again until 2010 and when 2010 comes and it's time to fly again, I will not fly without nose plugs, my Snuggie, Horse tranquilizers and depends!"
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
A great thing about the conference was the fact that I got to see all my buddies who also travel and have fun jobs for Jesus. We all had dinner at the Japanese steak house one night but I feel that none of them quite had the same experience that I had. I just really appreciate Japanese showmanship, when good food and good entertainment meet, it's magical.
I also got to see the return of my friend Bob, who just a few months earlier suffered a series of strokes and was even paralyzed for awhile. To see him on stage in front of thousands of people was truly awesome. I especially liked his idea of turning a collection of piñatas and toilet paper loose on the crowd.
I get to relax and be surrounded by fun Catholic people who understand what it's like not to have a traditional job in the eyes of the secular world or in the eye's of the church. Sometimes the only eye's that really get us is the big JC. We work for Jesus and we also like slapstick. This is why he sent them out in 2's...so they wouldn't feel like dorks.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Now that I'm in the know, I was so outraged that there was still corn in the field that I attacked it with a judo chop. Little did I know that corn is not a passive crop. It sucker punched me immediately after this picture was taken...I hate corn. It's unnatural for us to eat. It comes out the same way it goes in. And for that reason, I am denouncing corn.
But I do enjoy the sight of 30 loitering cats hanging out by the dog food. That just puts a smile on my face and makes my nose run. Cats on a farm are good because they give the mice something to fear. And mice need to be taught that they are not the boss of everything. Look at what happened to Mickey when the power went to his head. This is why I tolerate 30 cats on a farm. And I don't mind if they eat corn.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Why do funeral homes insist on putting blue eye shadow on women and blush that must be called Rosacea on the package, not good.
I remember my grandma's funeral. Not only was it terribly sad because I lost my best friend, but when I walked up to her casket I thought there had been some sort of mistake and they were trying to pass off Robin Williams dressed up like Mrs. Doubtfire as my grandma!
I understand that once we die and especially if our bodies go through a tramatic death, it shows and we won't look that "peaceful, like she's sleeping". But really, I don't think some places even try.
I think funeral home make up is a special calling and I don't think enough people are picking up the phone. I know this is a weird topic, but sooner or later it will effect all of us...unless your cremated. Then, never mind.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
My favorite adopted grandma and her family met me on Saturday after my talk and took me out for local cuisine, "Applebees". I love my grandma, and I'm pretty sure I'm her favorite "adopted white grandkid".
Later that night my friends, the Wright's took me to partake in one of my favorite hobbies, visiting Walmarts of our Country. So fun and so good for the soul.
I also met Abbey. Abbey is a retired service dog. She's done being a helper because her master who she helped was healed! And not just from a broken leg or a bad back but from MS...Abbey is OK with being retired I'm sure, at 12 she was probably sick of folding laundry and doing the dishes.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
We were also regaled of stories of what will happen if you die and no one finds your body for several days...and you have cats. That cat that you took care of, petted, feed and cleaned up after, will in fact start to eat you. True story. I also learned that most of the chickens we eat don't have beaks. Why? I don't know, that was not explained to me. All I know is that unless I see it and kill it myself, I ain't gonna eat it. Gosh, I hope I hit a dear on the way to the airport because I have been afraid to eat since I got here.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Also I learned that in Iowa if you take a certain class you have to carry around a fake baby with you to a youth rally. Isn't that awesome? At my high school, there were real babies, but now with technology, we can just use dolls, that's cool.
There was so much more to tell, like how Farmville let me communicate better with my Mid-Western kin, but I will save it for next week as I return to Iowa on Friday.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Best party ever! Once again the average age at the party was 73. I learned many things of value from my guests none of which I can share at this time. Next year's guest list will include the Pope...maybe.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Crab cakes, Groundhogs and glitter, oh my!
I had a great time in Maryland this weekend and was blessed to be joined by some good friends.
In other news just got back from a taping of the Jay Leno Show. We just happened to go up to Burbank the day it rained...it never rains in Southern California, until today. The drive up wasn't bad but on the way back it seemed a "psycho with a gun" closed down Glenddale. Instead of driving away at breakneck speeds of up to 3 miles per hour we pulled off, just where the streets were blocked off while looking for said phyco...once again we missed ALL the exitement, boo. Getting ready to Wisconsin on Thursday and back home Saturday for my birthday on Sunday. Please no gifts, just cash.
Just kidding, no I'm not, buy me a car. Just kidding, no I'm not really for the love of God, somebody float me some 'G's, I'm totally not good for it, but I'm cute and that must be worth something!
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I'm pretty sure I can get a new car but I might slow down on the miles I put on my feet. Perhaps I'll start mountain climbing with only my arms. No, I would have to drive tothe mountains. I could swim more but the dogs have threaten to drown me if I swim with them again.
I could do isometrics, isn't that when I flex, relax and repeat?
I might start my work out dvd's again but I get too easily emberresed when the dogs walk in. They stare. It's awkward.
Golf doesn't count unless I walk, but really, who does that? I could surf but that involves driving and the chance of being eaten by a shark or a confused rabid seal.
There's always squash, but I don't have the right outfit.
Bowling is disgusting.
Perhaps just sitting still while watching Golden Girls.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Adults (mostly over 50 years in age), food, wine and comedy. Really, you can't go wrong with that combination.
I also know for a fact that 3 people there were legally deaf without their hearing aids, but they seemed to love it even more. I'm trying to take that as a compliment.
As always having my parents there is a little nerve racking. Not because they don't know I do jokes about them but the opposite, they love the jokes I do about them and both gave me suggestions on what jokes I should do. "Talk about how I put you into the fan, Jude." People think I'm picking on them but they love it! I think they secretly do things just to get in the routine.
Performing on front of our new pastor was also scary, this was make it or break it time. This could either help or hinder my future penance with him, but every time I looked his way he was bright red. So either he was laughing a lot or choking on an egg roll, either way, he looked like he was having fun. We will see at the next 'confession-palooza'.
I head up the 5 tomorrow for a show, it's nice not having to get on an airplane. It cuts down on travel time and jet fuel.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
There was thing on Ellen's website about sending in a video about what you do when watching her show...I dvr it so I can play catch with my dogs in the pool. I suppose I could make another video about what I do whilst watching the dvr'd show but really, who has time for that...I think I did the assignment wrong.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
So when my mom left me a note saying "September 19-20 San Diego Wheel Auditions", I knew I was in trouble.
The Wheelmobile is coming to San Diego...get out of the way!
This weekend me and ma will drive out to the Wheelmobile. What is the Wheelmobile you might ask? Here is what the official Wheel of Fortune web site says:
What is the Wheelmobile? It's 39 feet long, 13 feet high and bright yellow. It rolls through cities, down highways and into America's heartland. Wherever it stops, huge crowds are waiting. It's giving fans all over the country the chance to try out for America's favorite game show. The Wheelmobile serves as the preliminary screening process before the final Wheel of Fortune contestant audition.Oh happy day, this is it, Jude on the Wheel. But hold on flap jack, I doubt I will even set foot into the Wheelmobile. Don't get me wrong I would love too but I'm sure it won't happen. Here are some reasons why.
At first it was against the Irish. Now it's against comedians. When people hear that you are a comedian they think you are nothing but a chuckle head. Please don't think I have a complex since I've mentioned this before. But any comedian will tell you people treat us different and it's not always a good thing. Sometimes I just want to play the wheel not tell you a joke. So, don't think I'm trying out to boost my comedy career. I'm trying out because I love my mom and want to sublimate my comedy career with some wheel cash whilst also winning a fabulous trip to sunny Acapulco.
I have never actually had stage fright. Believe it or not, I could care less. But I have had occasions in my living room where I have not been able to think. Have you had this experience? Knowing an answer to something and not being able to get the answer from your brain to your mouth and out? Some people have referred to this as a brain freeze, or even a brain fart, how ever you say it, from time to time it happens to me, while playing the wheel from the comfort of my own lazyboy.
Happy Crowds Make me Angry
Do I really have to explain this one? Or maybe I do so I don't seem like a socially inept person. While I'm on stage I love a crowd that makes a lot of noise and is interactive with me. Responsive to what I have to say, they want me to like them. This is just one of the things that the producers of game shows looks for. People who can actually play the game and look like they are having a good time as they do it. The problem is when you gather hundreds of people together in a room all vying for attention of a few key people,it can get loud and annoying. Truly genuinely happy people are awesome. But people who yell, jump and wear outfits and are fake happy near my personal space are not ok and make Jesus cry...that is why it rains. I'm sure as the producers look out and see a sea of jumping, screaming smiling people, one scowling Sandra Bullock looking annoyed woman will certainly stick out and promptly be crossed off their list.
The final nail in the Wheel of Fortune coffin might be inability to spell. The fact that spell check could not even recognize my first several attempts to spell 'inability' might be a clue. I am a victim of technology. I might never be able to spell the words 'different', 'weird', 'occasional' or 'embarrassing' unassisted. Wow, the words I misspell sure have nothing to do with me...weird.
This might be a hinderence while auditioning for a show that to do with spelling. Also, consonants and vowels, confuse the heck out of me...so, "A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y", are we not sure about Y yet? This isn't shtick, I really have no idea.
Maybe this is a problem in itself, how do I impress the producers of What Not to Wear? I'm not opposed to new clothes as much as I am opposed to spending my money. If someone else would shell out the clams for me to sport a new look that would be perfectly acceptable. If I could just get on that show before auditioning for the Wheel of Fortune in a casino with hundreds of my closest really happy friends in polyester, it might help my chances if not just really boost my self esteem.
Hopefully my next television appearance will be telling jokes on purpose and not being the joke because I couldn't solve a phrase like: D_N'_ J_D_ _. Don't Judge, but, that would be horrible.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I guess no one has updated the prayers of the faithful at our Parish for a while.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tommy was skateboarding in Oceanside just minding his own business when he saw a giant bird swoop out of the sky and pick up an old lady's dog right out of her hands. Hearing the lady's cries and enraged that a bird thought he could eat her dog made Tommy furious. He started to skate as fast as he could as the bird took the poor dog higher and higher into the air. Tommyt saw a man putting his longboard into the rear of his truck and without hesitation threw his cell phone at the back of the man's head which made the man fall forward onto his board which in turn made the longboard into a perfect launch ramp. Tommy went up the long board into the sky and grabbed the little dog from the clutches of the bird. He landed perfectly and skated back to the old lady and gave her back the dog. She was so happy she hugged and kissed Tommy. Her breath was so bad he fell backwards into oncoming traffic and his foot got run over by a guy in a Hummer who was texting on his phone while driving.
Or at least that's what I heard what happened. Only 3 and a half more weeks in the cast to go, until then, old ladies, hold on to your dogs.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Life without the roommates has been productive so far, I’m almost caught up with my DVR and there is not one dirty dish in the sink (That’s cause I have buried all the dirty dishes in the backyard). I’m working smarter not harder.
Today while trying to fast-forward a commercial during what I thought was a DVR’d show I realized it was actually live television, I know, scary. Being too lazy to hit the guide button and not wanting to mess up my system I had down of checking the “last” button on the remote I gutted it out, I watched the commercial. I know, I am so brave. It was for a product called, “Your baby can read”
The concept is simple enough, a DVD/program that teaches your baby how to read, because obviously you have more important things to do. Babies are such a hassle! First you have to make them, carry them inside you for 9 months, deliver them, feed them, change them, burp them, love them and now you expect me to teach them how to read? Thank God for this DVD, I guess.
The part of the commercial I saw was a lady enthusiastically talking about her two year old that was already reading at a first grade level. I’m sorry, but really? In our current education system, that’s no big deal. I was also sad for this lady because what if this is it for her baby? What if she has peaked at two? What if it’s all down hill from here. Sure, it’s awesome now to read at a first grade level now, but not when she’s in high school. Hopefully her baby has something to fall back on. That’s why this Christmas I will be coming out with my own line of DVD’s entitled, “Your Baby Can Crotchet” and “Your Baby can Weld.”
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
We walked to my favorite buffet; Costco but sadly the sample ladies had packed it in for the day. As a matter of fact by the time we got to Costco it was ten minutes till closing. We had just enough time to use the facilities, buy a snack that just negated the five and a half miles we had walked and sit down for a few minutes. There is something liberating about walking into a Costco and knowing they will not get more money than my Mocha Freeze costs me. Anyone can say as they go into Costco, “all I need is a pallet of Diet Pepsi, 90 rolls of toilet paper and some steak” but it’s another thing all together to leave Costco under budget with just the things on your list. Something comes over me in that warehouse setting. Some primal survival hunting and gathering switch, which makes me, want to store up for winter. It’s precisely this phenomenon that makes it slightly uncomfortable when walking into Costco with only my Camelback as transportation home for anything I buy…needless to say the trampoline had to stay this time. As we left Costco and headed home we realized that the amount of daylight left did not equal the amount of miles we had to walk. Our pace quickened for a good seven minutes until we remembered how much walking fast is almost like running and running is from the devil. And lately I have been adopting some practices from my Greek Orthodox cousins of spitting at the devil. So if I do ever spit at you, do not be offended, just know I find some sort of evil in you, that’s all.
With about two miles to go dusk had arrived and for a brief moment I became a little scared. You will never find me walking in my town at night, never! Not all parts of Vista are bad, in fact the parts of Vista are not bad, just the people who may be occupying them at any given time are; just like anywhere else in the world. My fears subsided when I realized if attacked I could throw one of my fellow walkers in the path in front of the attacker and me and then outrun the others to safety. Of course then I would call for help for the others, of course!
Needless to say we made it back with eleven miles under our belts. I have a new respect for Jesus and the apostles ministering as they walked. I mean they didn’t even have a Costco card.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
The very best news is that it is September and that means all new movies. This guarantees no more "Hotel for Dogs" or "My Life in Ruins". As a back up my ipod is loaded of Season 4 disk 2 of The Golden Girls. Please control your jealously, it is not becoming of you. I'm excited to leave California because it's getting harder and harder to breathe here. Asthma and wild fires go together like Ashes and sweat or Dorritos and gum. If you hear of a passenger being thrown off a Continental flight today it might because I forgot to charge my ipod or I'm sitting next to a clown.
Someone thought it would be a cruel joke to show "My Life in Ruins" from San Diego to Houston...I was not amused.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Here is a tip from Aunt Judy, when the doctor's office says they will call with the results they are not lying. They just have a different concept of time that you or I might have. Because they would eventually call back but you could have died from natural causes in the mean time. The MRI man (I think that was his official title) told me the results would be read in a few hours and my doctor would be sent the results by the end of the day.
Fair enough. I have played this game before. I get a test done with the understanding that it is probably nothing and in the course of waiting for the results every Lifetime movie, telephone commercial and Hallmark card you see is about breast cancer.
The devil loves to take the unknown and twist it until every worst-case scenario is played out in your head until you are convinced that you soon will be a statistic.
Fear kicks in, maybe even anger, some confusion and before you know it you are standing in front of the fridge at 3am eating straight out of the carton of Rocky Road.
But not this time. Between the “finding” and today I had been traveling. In one of my travels I found myself at a healing service. Without going into too many details, I felt a marked difference after the prayers of healing had been prayed. When I say marked, I guess I am really saying heat. When I say heat, I guess what I am saying is that my boob got HOT! A kind of hot that only the Holy Spirit or a small trash fire can generate and since I didn’t smell smoke I knew the Holy Spirit had gotten the job done. A few weeks went bye and finally went in on Monday and low and behold today after having a sit in at the doctors office until the report was read my ears heard what I had already felt, “whatever was there before is gone now.”
“Well duh!” Is what I yelled on the inside but on the outside I just smiled and used my inside voice to say, “thank you”.
What I realized today while sitting in the office was that horrible disease or not I was ok. (I also realized the people at the front desk kind of freak out when they realize you aren’t going to leave until you are told your results and freak out even more when you bring a cooler and a DVD player with Lonesome Dove).
I have said it before but each time I go through a scare God leads me into a deeper understanding of what kind of peace He can bring. Sure having breast cancer would really blow, but I was confident that God wouldn’t let me go through it alone and not only be healed but be a witness as I went through it. And of course I would be ok, if it was all clear because, well, duh.
I guess the key is to understand that if you can find peace in something like that, you can find peace in the million stupid things that happen everyday, which are in no way as scary or stressful yet they still cause us great worry.
In the end, when you figure this out your either really holy and they fast track you to Sainthood or you die and you have a V-8 moment and think, why did I waste all that time down there worrying when I could have been eating ice cream and playing canasta with the elderly?
My other update is that my niece Sydney came out of surgery last night minus her appendix. Turns out she presented with a classic “appendix needs to come out case” but when they got in, it was fine but they figured, “hey we are already in here, might as well take this thing out so it looks like we know what we are doing”. They think she has a viral infection and the poor kid will spend the last week of her summer recouping from surgery.
But the real thing I would like to discuss happened last night. I went outside to play with the dog and cut some roses for a vase and while walking the grossest thing that has ever happened to me occurred. For those of you have ever had the pleasure of walking on the beach in California you have probably stepped on seaweed or bulb kelp and felt it pop underfoot. Well that’s what happened last night, in the dark and there was no seaweed around. I instantaneously knew what it was and every part of me wanted to have a Silkwood scrub right then and there. I ran in the house (very carefully) and got the flashlight. I came out and after a few seconds of searching found what I knew it was. I had stepped on a dead mouse and it had exploded! I knew it was dead because ants don’t usually gather that quickly in less they are on some sort of performance enhancing drug and if that’s the case I have a whole new set of problems. Praise Jesus I had my sandals on because I can barely get the thought out of Mickey exploding under my sandal and the thought of his spleen doing that on my bare foot would have taken all of God’s peace away and He would have had to come and personally driven me to the “get that terrible mouse exploding under your foot sound out of your head" doctor.
I just hope it wasn’t the mouse from my video just dropping bye to say hey.
Now you are in the loop, like it or not. If you have been offended because I spoke about my hot boob or exploding mice I am sorry, I don’t make this stuff up, I just report on it.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
I did however have the chance to think about how lucky I am to live where I do, when I do. To live in an age where at any minute I can be in contact with just about anybody I know. Through mobile phones, instant messages, blogs, Tweets and smoke signals we know just about everything about everyone as it happens. Got a suspicious mole? Google it.
A weird looking butterfly just bit you in the neck? There's an ap for that.
I had about 40 minutes or so to think about these things yesterday as I hung out (literally) in an MRI machine. As you may know my Mom, Dad and sister are all cancer survivors and since most of my dad's side did not survive all sorts of different types of cancer, every time I sneeze twice in a row I have to have some test done because it might be the "C" word.
Not only do we have MRI's to see if there is a lump, bump or a tumor but we even have blood tests (that I contributed to after the MRI) that test for mutations in genes...so living in this time with this kind of technology with my genes is pretty awesome.
After being subjected to two hours of tests that would tell me if I had a disease or even if I had a higher percentage of ever developing a disease I had had enough. So I did what any good Californian would do, I paddled out and went surfing.
I thought of how lucky I was to be able to not only physically enjoy an hour of surfing but I didn’t have to feel guilty for doing so because I wasn't ditching out on work to do so. I am so blessed to be able to do what I love for (all be it a small one) a living. To live in a place that is truly beautiful and to have the freedom with my time to enjoy it is a gift.
The more I sat in the water the more my mind went back to where I had just come from and the people who don't have the option to leave. The people who even if they could leave the hospital, would not have the luxury of relaxing but would have to work even harder to pay off the hospital bills.
I even thought of those who would never get to the hospital in the first place because there are no such options where they live. People who never know they have cancer but just get sick and die. There are people who will never set foot in a hospital, not because of their fear of doctors but because there are no hospitals near them.
And that's when it came up again.
I have been having these tinges I guess you could say.
These desires that I dare not tell anyone but since no one reads this blog I can write them here.
I want to go and serve the poor.
Now please stop laughing and listen. I'm not talking for a year or even 6 months but I have a desire to go and push myself to see and help those who I would never meet. Those who never know the luxury of being inconvenienced by an MRI or a stack of insurance paper work. I can’t offer medical care, or plans to build an irrigation system, but I once made a 90 year old Croatian lady who didn’t speak English laugh so hard that she almost died, so I think that could be beneficial.
What good is it to stay and experience life in a comfortable bubble when there is such a great need for people to experience love and laughter? I swear I'm not turning into a hippie but in the past few years my travels that I look back at with the fondness memories have been spent with people in horrible situations who were in need of someone just to be with them. Someone who could be Christ to them if just by giving them supplies, a meal or a much needed smile.
I started thinking, where could I go? I have January and February open, so it’s going to be winter. I need to go tropical, I can't help people if I'm cold, I mean, I could...I would just prefer a tropical setting.
Which country could I go and experience and actually help others for a few months or weeks without hurting myself or them? There would definitely have to be monkeys wherever I go. Monkeys but no bugs. Monkeys, no bugs and Wi-Fi.
So you have been warned. The desire is there to serve my brothers and sisters who might not own more than one pair of shoes, understand what Tivo is or worry about the long term effects of aspartame. I know what I am suppose to do now is pray and listen.
When the opportunity presents itself, I will be ready to go.
That is as long as there are monkeys, Wi-Fi and no bugs.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Since running and I have been in a rocky relationship over the past couple of months now is the time to admit that I have been seeing other exercises.
Mainly I have been swimming. Usually swimming is a very good low impact exercise...usually But I have some Judy factors that make it not so. First of all I usually can not enter in the pool without my two lifeguards, Mac and Chewie following close behind. As dogs, they have no hands so when they see me swimming and assume I need "rescuing" they swim out to me and use their paws to "rescue me." Because their paws are accompanied by sharp claws what ensues is a kin to an underwater ballet knife fight. Evidence of my scarred arms and back, I have been "rescued" many times. Because of my over protective dogs I usually get about 2 laps in before it's just not worth it and I end up sitting on the steps. This 3-4 minute scene is not conducive to a cardio workout and is almost counter productive. If you ever have done any water sports you know that they make you hungry beyond belief because usually your body is burning thousands of calories but as I said the only ones burning calories are the dog-guards. So my consumption of Snickers bars before my swim is really hurting and not helping. Other factors include two nephews jumping in and out during lap swim and sometimes striking their target; which now really hurts since they are getting older and bigger. Riding on Auntie Judy's back while she swims is no longer fun for Auntie Judy and actually has come close to killing her several times. The lack of goggles and chlorine-trigger-happy pool man makes my eyes feel like I am in a constant dream sequence from Dallas. If I end up shooting J.R. I am going to be more than a little upset.
In the end, I'll keep swimming until our Southern California weather turns cold. In the end, I love swimming more than running but refuse to get in the pool in severe dips when it gets down to 70, that's just plain nuts I'm no polar bear.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Want a massage?
That was basically every conversation I had with anyone who tried to sell me anything while I was in Cabo San Lucas.
Apparently I looked stressed.
Everyone thought I was in need of a massage. From the guy selling "Roy-Bans" to the lady who wanted to braid my hair (actually she just wanted to braid my hair, she was very serious about beauty). I remember the good old days when buying Mexican fireworks or a whip was just that, there was no hidden agenda. After awhile it stressed me out, but I was not about to give in and get a massage. And its a good thing, I watch 20/20 and had the advice of my dad, "don't trust anyone." I was not about to let them win. I was vigilant for the rest of the trip. Like a ninja I avoided eye contact with all street vendors, small dogs and elderly tourists, all could have possibly offered me a deadly massage. So I'm home from vacation, tired and in desperate need of a massage.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
a) Died while waiting in line under the heat of 94 degree weather.
b) Was wisked away to stardom by a chance meeting with a Hollywood executive.
c) Or just forgot to update my blog.
Either way, fun times shall be had by all.