Thursday, June 28, 2007
One really cool thing about being an aunt is being able to pass things on to the next generation...like how to properly apply make up for shock value. Lego Land tomorrow...oh yes, we will all be wearing our makeup!
I'm pretty much the best at jumping over dogs and kids...and they seemed very impressed with me...so impressed that they follow me. I even dare to say that if I was jumping off a bridge they would in deed feel compelled to also jump off the bridge like Aunt Judy.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Vatican issues guidelines for good driving
Web Posted: 06/20/2007 01:03 AM CDTPatrick Driscoll, Abe Levy and J. Michael Parker
When granny gets behind the wheel of a 1-ton pickup, she's not just 120 pounds of frail flesh and bones anymore. She's a king of the road with hundreds of horsepower humming at her fingertips.
Some people can handle that kind of raw power and still guard their souls, but many often can't, the Vatican warned Tuesday in a document called "Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road."
Now speeding, reckless driving and driving while drunk aren't just illegal — they're sins.
So are rude gestures, cursing and showing off in fancy cars.
"One of the roots of many problems relating to traffic is spiritual," the 36-page statement says. "Cars tend to bring out the 'primitive' side of human beings, thereby producing rather unpleasant results."
"Especially if you have a good car," said Rene Dehoyos, 49, called by some an ambassador of San Antonio but known by most as a road-weary cabbie who hauls a lot of tourists.
"If the car's a beat-up car and it doesn't have the power, they're going to drive like a Sunday driver," he said. "If you have the power, then it's going to change you."
To help those drunk with ego exercise virtue, the Vatican document includes the "Ten Commandments" for drivers, starting with "You shall not kill" and ending with "Feel responsible toward others."
It also suggests praying — just don't close your eyes.
Passengers taking turns reciting the rosary is particularly helpful since its "rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver's attention."
Drive-through confessions might be next, predicted Judy McDonald, a Catholic comedian based in San Diego. Lord knows, that would help.
"Driving here today, a guy cut me off right in the middle of a Hail Mary," she said by cell phone from Orlando. "I said a not-so-nice word, but Mary saw the guy cut me off."
The Vatican document isn't meant to be frivolous and extols the benefits of driving — getting to work, getting the sick to hospitals and connecting families and cultures.
But it laments a host of ills associated with automobiles — road rage, aggressive driving, drinking alcohol, using drugs and not maintaining safe vehicles.
Mobility and wandering are part of human nature, but with the dizzying growth of traffic and idolization of cars, roads need to be more humane.
"How many times have you found that something changes when you get behind the wheel — your behavior and even sometimes your language changes and you say, "That's not like me?'" said Deacon Pat Rodgers, a spokesman for the Archdiocese of San Antonio. "It just seems appropriate that we see some guidelines that we can follow when we get into high-pressure situations on the road."
The Sacred Heart Auto League hailed the announcement as reinforcing a cause it has championed since 1955.
The Catholic group's claim to fame is making Jesus figurines for cars as reminders for "prayerful and careful driving."
"This is no Moses coming down from the mountain," said Steve Koepke, director of the parent organization, Sacred Heart League in Walls, Miss. "But it does try to take Christ's commandment of love our neighbor and put it into action on the road."
The other commandments for motorists urge communion among people, courtesy, uprightness, prudence, charity, not using cars to show power, convincing unfit drivers not to drive, supporting families of accident victims and bringing together guilty drivers and victims to facilitate forgiveness.
Joe Cerda, 59, a longtime veteran of San Antonio roads, didn't need to see the Vatican's list.
"It's just common sense," he said. "To me that's normal, to my philosophy."
Monday, June 18, 2007
So I watched inside baseball and as you can tell by the picture, I was very frightened and confused. The Padres won 7 to 1 and I got some free plastic things to beat together which I would never do at an outside game but, on account that I was inside it was OK.
Next time.....we discuss, the car ride and what happens when you get carsick while on a bridge.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
He kept the Mid-West safe during the Korean Conflict while he served in the Army Reserve.
He drove cattle when he was in high school (the traditional way, not in a car).
He could survive on Skippy peanut butter sandwiches on Wonder bread and Coke.
He rode out to California on a train, like a hobo and he still turned out OK.
He hates going to the dentist more than I hate clowns, we both hate clown dentists equally.
He has been on National TV more times than me (not even counting the C.O.P.S. episodes).
He met Johnny Carson once.
Kilt him a b'ar when he was only three
He got a free pair of golf shoes from Roger Clemens golfing buddy but was more excited about the free Gatorade he got that day.
He will watch the Quiet Man if it's on TV even though he has seen it 590 times.
He likes to salute the Ronald Reagan poster in my room.
I am his favorite daughter, but he is such a good dad that he doesn't let on to "the others".
Every Christmas when he opens a present he puts the bows on his head and pretends like they aren't there. That's my personal favorite.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Tonight was my triumphant return to comedy after the Chuck Norris incident and I was relieved to find the tumor they took out did not contain my sense of humor. The doctor said he didn't take it out (my sense of humor) but he also said a bunch of other stuff I didn't believe so I was a bit weary of my first time back performing since the whole being funny for a career thing pays for such humorless tumors to come out.
My favorite thing about performing comedy at Celebration Station (which is a distant cousin to the Chuck E. Cheese) other than the constant bells and bright lights which have been known to cause seizures in lab rats are their colorful signs.
And for the record their chicken strips are not made entirely of dead lab rats. Only partially.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
"A 27-year-old German man managed to jump onto Pope Benedict's uncovered popemobile in a dramatic breach of security which has triggered fears for the safety of President George Bush when he visits the Vatican on Friday."
"[The man] was not trying to kill [the Pope] but attract attention to himself," he said.
But because Pope Benedict is SO cool, this didn't even phase him. If he was playing "2 for flinching" he wouldn't get hit in the arm. That's my Pope! I wonder if he and W will talk about me on Friday. It's weird when two people you know hang out together and your not there. I'm sure I'll get a text from one of them with an inside joke. I'd tell you about it but then it wouldn't be an inside joke then would it?
I have come to a very serious problem. After diligently watching and erasing episodes of the Simpson's, The Office, Little People Big Oregon, Magnum P.I., MASH, House, Frasier, Reno 911 and Lost I have nothing! And there is nothing on TV! Sure over half the shows I mentioned have been in syndication for over 10, some 2o years but it's just the principle of the thing. An empty DVR menu is the closest thing I have to empty nest syndrome. Luckily by morning I'll have 56 shows waiting for me, it's just knowing that right now that menu is empty which makes me sad. Sad and kind of nauseated.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Bing sings the Beatles, when he sings "Hey Jude" it's like he's singing to me, except different. I know he's not by the way.
But for the most part I would rather chew on broken glass.
But then I realize that chewing on broken glass would most likely send me to the hospital and because I have a certain insurance that every hospital in California hates, my injuries received from chewing on broken glass won't be covered and I will owe another kajillion dollars.
And then I will be penny-less because no one will hire a comedian who talks funny because of the broken glass chewing incident. I will end up being a mime at the beach. And I won't be any good at that because I hate wearing cake makeup in the sun. So I will just be a mime with no makeup and people won't understand that I am a mime and just think I am crazed cat woman minus the cats. The police will be called and when they ask for I.D. I will reach in my pocket and the only thing I will have is my health insurance card. At seeing that I will be sent into such a violent rage that 6 police officers won't be able to wrestle me down. That's when the S.W.A.T. team will be called in and as I am running away, with the six guards still on me I will be shot in the butt (my luck it wouldn't be somewhere cool like the arm or leg) and finally brought down. From there I will be brought to the emergency room.
Do you see?
I can't win.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Tonight I whooped it up with my friends Larry and Adriane out at the Welk Resort. I know some of you think I "party" too hard and run with a "rough" crowd and I admit, sometimes I get dizzy from all the Diet Pepsi I drink. But I just love that Oom Paa paaa beat that reverbs in my chest, straight up gangsta, don't cha know.
Friday, June 01, 2007
I must admit that Vista is a lot like Glasgow. For one thing the weather, wait no. Um, the food is similar because, wait, no. OK, so there are few similarities but I do miss it. I wonder if people ever miss Vista?
Vista is a lovely place to live. We do have the perfect temperature year round, but I suppose that can only get you so far in life. For example, I am gorgeous but that has only carried me so far. At some point you have to have some kind of talent. Thank God for my ability to diagnose impossible medical cases at the clinic...oh wait no, that's House. I sometimes get my life and the television shows I watch mixed up. Most of the time it's not a problem but when I watch a lot of Law and Order I sometimes scare my mom.