Friday, September 18, 2009

Pat, I'd Like to Solve the Puzzle but Probably Can't.

One of my mom's favorite shows other than the Golden Girls and Neil Diamond specials has to be Wheel of Fortune. Pat Sajak and Vanna White can be found in our living room most week day nights at 7pm.  Usually when I'm watching the show with her she will turn to me at least once during the show and say, "you should really go on this show." I get this a lot.  No, I'm serious, I get it a lot.  My friends and family who watch TV  always say I should go on different shows and I totally agree with them.  If only it was that simple.  If only my mom and dad's word could vouch for me with producers.  But in reality that's not quite how things work (I think, I mean it's been awhile since I worked on a show, I could be wrong).
So when my mom left me a note saying "September 19-20 San Diego Wheel Auditions", I knew I was in trouble.

The Wheelmobile is coming to San Diego...get out of the way!  

This weekend me and ma will drive out to the Wheelmobile.  What is the Wheelmobile you might ask?  Here is what the official Wheel of Fortune web site says:
What is the Wheelmobile? It's 39 feet long, 13 feet high and bright yellow. It rolls through cities, down highways and into America's heartland. Wherever it stops, huge crowds are waiting. It's giving fans all over the country the chance to try out for America's favorite game show. The Wheelmobile serves as the preliminary screening process before the final Wheel of Fortune contestant audition.

  Oh happy day, this is it, Jude on the Wheel.  But hold on flap jack, I doubt I will even set foot into the Wheelmobile.  Don't get me wrong I would love too but I'm sure it won't happen.  Here are some reasons why.

People discriminate. 
At first it was against the Irish.  Now it's against comedians.  When people hear that you are a comedian they think you are nothing but a chuckle head.  Please don't think I have a complex since I've mentioned this before. But any comedian will tell you people treat us different and it's not always a good thing.  Sometimes I just want to play the wheel not tell you a joke. So, don't think I'm trying out to boost my comedy career.  I'm trying out because I love my mom and want to sublimate my comedy career with some wheel cash whilst also winning a fabulous trip to sunny Acapulco.

Brain Freeze
I have never actually had stage fright.  Believe it or not, I could care less.  But I have had occasions in my living room where I have not been able to think. Have you had this experience?  Knowing an answer to something and not being able to get the answer from your brain to your mouth and out?  Some people have referred to this as a brain freeze, or even a brain fart, how ever you say it, from time to time it happens to me, while playing the wheel from the comfort of my own lazyboy.

Happy Crowds Make me Angry
Do I really have to explain this one?  Or maybe I do so I don't seem like a socially inept person. While I'm on stage I love a crowd that makes a lot of noise and is interactive with me. Responsive to what I have to say, they want me to like them. This is just one of the things that the producers of game shows looks for.  People who can actually play the game and look like they are having a good time as they do it.  The problem is when you gather hundreds of people together in a room all vying for attention of a few key people,it can get loud and annoying.  Truly genuinely happy people are awesome.  But people who yell, jump and wear outfits and are fake happy near my personal space are not ok and make Jesus cry...that is why it rains.  I'm sure as the producers look out and see a sea of jumping, screaming smiling people, one scowling Sandra Bullock looking annoyed woman will certainly stick out and promptly be crossed off their list.

Spell Check
The final nail in the Wheel of Fortune coffin might be inability to spell.  The fact that spell check could not even recognize my first several attempts to spell 'inability' might be a clue.  I am a victim of technology. I might never be able to spell the words 'different', 'weird', 'occasional' or 'embarrassing' unassisted.  Wow, the words I misspell sure have nothing to do with me...weird.
This might be a hinderence while auditioning for a show that to do with spelling.  Also, consonants and vowels, confuse the heck out of, "A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y", are we not sure about Y yet?  This isn't shtick, I really have no idea.

Maybe this is a problem in itself, how do I impress the producers of What Not to Wear? I'm not opposed to new clothes as much as I am opposed to spending my money.  If someone else would shell out the clams for me to sport a new look that would be perfectly acceptable. If I could just get on that show before auditioning for the Wheel of Fortune in a casino with hundreds of my closest really happy friends in polyester, it might help my chances if not just really boost my self esteem.  

Hopefully my next television appearance will be telling jokes on purpose and not being the joke because I couldn't solve a phrase like: D_N'_   J_D_ _.  Don't Judge, but, that would be horrible.