Monday, April 14, 2008

A Man Named Patch

Dear Future husband,
Sooner or later you will have to meet him so why not now? This is my dad. Patrick Thomas McDonald. When we get married he will wear his kilt. It's a kilt, not a skirt, so don't think you are funny by calling it a skirt, he won't laugh and he might even punch you. Or worse, than a physical punch he will give you a mental punch. That's when he just kind of looks at you and sucks his teeth and then just turns around and walks away.
And you will look at me and think, "at least there is a big dowry!". But you will be mistaken, because I work out and my dowry is lean.
So getting back to my dad's skirt. It was my late Uncle Bill's kilt that he had made with material purchased in Scotland. See, we were Irish until my dad and his two older brothers went on a golf holiday in Scotland, When he came back he claimed Scottish heritage. Except on St. Patrick's Day when we claim our German side.
Anyway, when you met my dad you don't have to talk yourself up...he will have already done numerous Google searches on you. So, hard luck if there is a serial murderer or a Democratic Senator with your name. Hence forth when he thinks of you he will automatically think of said serial killer or Democrat (same thing in his eyes). So john Wayne Gacy the Third, I'm sorry but it was over before it began.
If you golf, it's a plus.
If you are independently wealthy and golf it's a plus plus.
(Basically if you are independently wealthy and can't golf at all, he will teach you and even give you a few stokes. The independently wealthy parts gives you plenty of wiggle room).
Lets see, you pretty much have to be Catholic, the more saints you can name off the top of your head the better. Also if you can attach files to emails, and help him with his computer, your golden.
There are about 236 other unspoken rules of engagement, it's up to you to figure them out and follow them. Failure to do so may result in a mental punch in the throat and no one wants one!
So hurry up with Irish Catholic medical school and then call me, you just have to meet my dad!