I'm Not Smarter Than A 6th Grader

I shadowed my nephew Tommy at his school today. Tommy is in 6th grade and attends a Junior High School. Things are different from when I went to school. For one thing I don't remember P.E. having a prison yard vibe.




The one thing that has not changed is math. Math is still from the devil. Tommy got his test back with one question wrong. I thought 18 years (I think that equation is wrong as well) would have prepared me to all of a sudden do math. I was wrong. I looked at the test and only saw some sort of Russian and squiggly lines on the paper. I got the sweats, became dizzy and heard a slight whimpering which turned out to be me crying for my mom.

Stand up Comedy: Good Choice.

Flat Teddy For President!

I would say my loyalty to Flat Teddy is strong to very strong. I'm sure his bear skeletons in the closet will be sniffed out by Hillary's people soon enough. That whole Yogi situation was unfortunate but it needed to happen.

Do You See What I D.C.?

Hello from the East side of the nation where it's a chilly 34 degrees but nothing I can't handle. I'm just here for a quickie. It's sad to land and while still on the plane check in for your return flight on your web browsing phone because it's less than 24 hours. That's how I roll though...plus I met a certified "guacologist" tonight, intense.

The Beast Is DEAD!

OK, it's really not a beast, it's my CD I have been editing for the past 2 months and finally it is done! Now I just have to finalize the art work and get a little extra help with some audio and bing bang boom, instant new coaster for your drink. You can listen to it as well, which is nice.

I Met Jesus in Erie!

"Don't I know you from somewhere?"

"You probably get this all the time, but I'm a big fan. I love your work. How did you come up with the hippo? Classic."

Solvang, Farwell, Auf Wiedersehen Goodnight.

We were joined by hundreds of greyhounds and their owners, my mom turning Hollywood as she talked on her phone while wearing her Muppet scarf, flat teddy catching a ride on a windmill and the Irish mafia getting their share of the CD sales...I have to pay for protection, the Dutch street gangs of Solvang are notorious for their Danish flinging. You could lose an eye.

I'm Back!

So, Gmail decided to take me back which means I am now able to log back into this blog which means the 3 people in prison that read this blog and my mom can stop complaining.

Many things have happened in the last 16 days so here is a recap:


My mom gave birth to twins...we aren't telling my dad yet.







Jay Leno took a photo with a cardboard cut out of me.





OK, so really that was it. It seemed like a lot more at the time. Probably because the twins don't let me get much sleep, I just thought there was a lot more. I could have made something up to make it seemed like more happened but that would be cheap and tawdry and one thing I am not is cheap, no wait. One thing I am not is Tawdry because I am very cheap. I really need to get out more. Maybe when I am out I will buy a thesaurus.

GMAIL MOCKS ME

Dear Gmail...why do you suspend my account? I am a good person. I shower daily, I go to church, I smile at the elderly, why do you persecute me?

And then at half 6...

I get into San Diego from Boise and who do I see but Big Fat Paul George from Louisiana and then Fr. Neil all the way from Glasgow! Holy cow, next my grandma might knock at the door and really scare us all...see it would be scary because she has been living with Jesus for the past 10 years or so.

Oh Boise!

IDAHO FUN WITH FIRE FIGHTERS, SPOTLIGHTS, MIKE MC SWEENEY AND FLAT TEDDY.

On The Job Training

My Manager (on the cash register) says if I keep my nose clean and work hard, I might be moved up to cashier in a couple of months. But between you and me I don't trust anything she says because she's not even potty trained yet and tends to hit the bottle pretty hard still.

2007

Because 2007 was such a jam packed year it has taken me several weeks into January to psych myself up to reflect on it. That, and I'm extremely lazy. I mean I have been very busy. So without further Apu, my 2007:

JANUARY
I spent the first week of
New Year in Glasgow Scotland with my European Sherpa, Marlo. I learned things like :
The correct way to pronounce "highland cow".
My affection for hot Toddy's and cups of tea to fight infections.
I am not built for the cold.
"Chippies" are not the best place to meet men.
'Mon the Hoops can be yelled on in a pub only if everyone there is wearing green and white.
Haggis is just not for dinner.

I then moved on to Heidelberg, Vilseck and Katterbach Germany for shows for Army bases. There I learned that people call you ma'am a lot and pretty much everything matched with camouflage and
I am not built for the cold.

Another week and I was off to Italy where many valuable lessons were indeed learned:
Gilato should be only eaten 5 times a day, anymore and the clothes you packed tend to shrink when you wash them.
The Vatican is like my mom's living room, very pretty to look at but not a place to to rough house in. You look with your eyes not with your hands.
Italian trains are a place where people like to stand very close to you, especially men, especially men who have somehow forgotten to shower since 2006.
You can see pretty far from the top of St. Peters Basilica, but that's no reason to spit off the top.
Down to Napes where I learned a valuable lesson from the city of Pompeii, primarily that you shouldn't live anywhere near a volcano...ever.

Back up to Germany where my mom flew into see her homeland.
I learned that my mom can drink me under the table and still be a lady (ladies start beer hall brawls, right?)
We made a pilgrimage to Salzburg and saw where the Hill were alive with the sound of Music.
Global warming saw a peak in January but it was only because my mm stopped in every church in Europe to light a candle.

FEBRUARY
Brought us back to Scotland where I had to translate the language for my mom. When I didn't know what they were saying I made things up.

Back home and then on to Indiana and Texas...with a few naps in between. Oh and the Plunkett boys started playing baseball.

MARCH
After attending LA Congress since college this was my first year to be a speaker and performer at the Youth Day which attracts about 5 million Catholics...or 20,000 numbers are not my strong point.
Also a trip to Corpus Christi Texas where I saw the Selena statue...pause for Selena.
And down to good Ole Houma, Louisiana to connect with my Bayou peeps and go to Wal-mart 56 times. I topped of March with a trip to Santa Barbara and learned that you can get there from my house in only 5 hours on a train. A train where no one stood close to me, I liked that.


APRIL
This month kept me busy with a trip to Oregon, Popple came to play and a San Diego Youth Ministers conference where I performed with 102 fever. This was the start of...hey I don't feel good (see May)


MAY
I stayed in California having shows in Ventura, Oceanside and Valley Center and I also learned that I felt crappy because I had a tumor pushing on my bladder and a few other things it shouldn't be pushing on. I was scheduled for surgery the day after my triathlon...do you know how stupid it is to train for a triathlon? My doctor does so he said "by all means run the race, if your going to get hurt might as well do it the day before surgery." I really need to stop getting doctors numbers off of park benches. It was even a advertising it was just scribbled on the bench. In crayon. The surgery was fun.

JUNE
Quick on the mend like someone who pays for her own insurance and has to be funny to pay for the surgery she just had I was off to Florida where I performed comedy in a Celebration Station, saw someone eat carrots and proceed to toss her carrots in the car I was riding in and attend a Padres game in an indoor stadium. Thank you Florida. My nieces came down from Portland and fun times were had by all.

June also marked my first venture to Steubenville Ohio where Dean Martin was born and you still shouldn't drink the water.

JULY
Ever been to upstate New York in the summer? I went and learned that bugs there are on almost as much steroids as MLB players.
Steubenville San Diego brought in another 5000 teens to SDSU and a good time was had by all. Except Larry, he had a headache (I'm just assuming that all 5000 people didn't have a good time, one person must have had a headache that ruined it for him and why can't his name be Larry?). Marlo and her brother Mark came surfing with me and my Skip Frye board attacked Mark and sent him to the hospital, the worst part of the whole thing was when the nurse asked if I was Mark's mom.



AUGUST
I spent August trying to recover from all the fun July brought me. I did have one show in Escondido and it was a show that proved, I am a comedian for a reason. One of those, "if I can do a show today, anything is possible kind of days." Do you have those kind of days at your work? I'm assuming you work. I know 3 of you who read this blog are in a state penitentiary and have work detail but I can't fathom the other jobs people who read this blog might have. I can imagine though, so I know you can relate to me, Rich, single, Irish Catholic doctor man. Call me.

SEPTEMBER
We kicked off the Jude Euro Tour part 2. We meaning me and the voices.
6 countries in 1 month highlights:

Germany - Ran my first German 1/2 marathon.




Ireland - First truly international show...I was the only one who talked normal.




Italy - Got to see where St. Francis used to play football.




England - Had my passage into ugly American status as I was able to say, "look kids, Big Ben, Parliament."





Belgium - Eating waffles and showering at NATO.



Scotland - Attending an Avon-like party with 20 Scottish hens and not understanding a single word.


OCTOBER
I spent 2 days home and was back on a plane. Continental San Diego to Houston flight feels like a second home to me now and the flight attendants feel like a distant step mother that I never had.
Texas, Ohio, Louisiana, California and Wisconsin shows made October the month for frequent flier points, don't worry I will still talk to you even though I am Gold Elite, just don't walk on the blue carpet. Also California was on fire.


NOVEMBER
I spoke at an intercollegiate day retreat in Erie, Pennsylvania and loved being back on a college campus and not having to pay for it. Then it was my first NCYC, comedy just isn't fun unless it's in front of 5,000 people and you are in Columbus, Ohio.
Also a highlight was having yet another family holiday without anyone crying...whoo hoo! Plus, Jessica gave my dad a high five...pretty much was the highlight of everyone's November.

DECEMBER
San Diego Youth Day had Matt Maher doing music, Deacon Ralph Poyo playing the part of the hobbit, Fr. Stan Fortuna was the rapper so I got stuck doing comedy. Took the red eye to Utica New York and it was reaffirmed that I am not built for the cold.
Since November a bump had been in my eyebrow...how attractive! Upon thinking it might be my unborn baby sister I went to the surgeon to get her out. First time she came back after 4 days so he went in again and this time she came back with another sister, so now I have twin sisters in my eyebrow and awesome scars that looks like I got cut in a bar fight.

Now that 2007 is over I can finally concentrate on 2008 and I can finish that "Scenes of the Old Testament" paint by number that's been hanging over my head for all these years.

Mouse in the House

Can-Can You Believe My Family

Don't send a lame Starring You! eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!