H20 fun

For the past two weeks I have been taking a new class at the YMCA. It's called H2O exercise and I am the youngest one in the class by at least 50 years. I really love being in the water and I must say my self-esteem has been though the roof. I recommend it to anyone looking to feel as though they can swim really fast (when being compared to an elderly grandma with an oxygen tank).

Once again I ask that you don't judge me, I don't get out much.

Hey You!

Why don't they show more reruns of Hart to Hart on television? Now that's a good show, a crime solving billionare and his wife. That is a show I can really believe in and relate to.

How was your Easter? Did you find eggs? Having ADD I am allowed to hide my own eggs and I must say I did a very good job this year; I'm still missing 5 but we should find them by summer.

I leave Friday morning for Colorado. Comedy, Comedy, Comedy. So much fun and so good for you to. I've lost 21 dress sizes since starting on my comedy diet. What's a comedy diet you might ask? Well, I don't know I forgot when I was hiding the eggs.

Blood for Ink

It happened again today, the thing I dread most. My printer was out of ink!

I really hate going to the store for ink because it's a normal thing to hate, like clowns, spiders and the cotton found in Aspirin bottles.

The number one reason I hate going to the store for ink is the cost. Why is printer ink so expensive? Are we importing our ink from the Middle East? They sell the colors individually because I guess there is a chance that you might use more light cyan before all your magenta runs out. Today I had to buy 5 different colors at $12.85 a color. My printer cost $99. If I would have had to buy the black cartridge I would have just been better off buying a whole new printer!

What I want to know is where is all this ink going? I just changed the cartridges at Christmas. I know for a fact that you can't drink the stuff with out getting really sick, so that's not it. Perhaps terrorist come in at night and siphon my ink as a part of their evil plot against the world. Or perhaps not. Either way I had to spend $69.23 today and my Scottish heart is just not ready for any more money to be spent! So don't look for any expensive Hallmark cards in the mail on your birthday, you'll get a heartfelt sticky note with a birthday greeting and you'll like it!

The worst thing about going to the store for ink is the people who work there. No offense to them, they actually have a job with normal hours and a cool uniform. I have encountered two sales associates I would like to tell you about.

#1 - I walk in to the store looking for ink.
Associate 1: Hello ma'am , can I help you find something today?
Me: Yes I need ink for my printer.
Associate 1: Sure ok just follow me.
Me: Ok Sparky
Associate 1: Ok, ma'am here is all of our ink, what kind of pen did you need to fill up?
Me: No, I need ink for a printer.
Associate 1: Oh, ok, follow me over to the printers.
Me: No no, I just need the ink for the printer, not a whole printer.
Associate 1: Look ma'am you need to help me help you. Please calm yourself and put the stapler down.

At this point I went and bought a new printer.

#2 I have been in the printer ink aisle for 3 hours. I am hungry and dehydrated and becoming disoriented.

Associate #2: Can I help you find some ink for your printer?
Me: Well, I don't think you carry the kind I need, I have been looking for 3 hours...
Associate #2: Here it is right here, it was right in front of you.
Me: I knew that...I actually work for Staples in their customer satisfaction department. Can I get your name son? You had a tone in your voice I didn't much care for, I'm going to have to report you, sorry. Have you seen Sparky?

Moral of the story?
Um, well, there isn't one. Stop searching for your life's answers at my blog and get to church!

Letterman

No I wasn't on Letterman tonight; it was Sandra Bullock! We could have been separated at birth if my mom had a 12-year long labor. Great, I can't wait for Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous to come out; Press junkets, movie premiere, photo shoots it's enough to make me go back on all those medications that made me think I was Ally Sheedy.

Make it a Holy Week!

Holy Transmission Batman!

Spending $2814.53 on my car's transmission almost did my old Scottish heart in. It pains me to spend any money especially on something as dumb as a little part which is essential to the running of my car! The following is a list of things I could have bought instead of a dumb old transmission:

The Best of Italy 14 day tour (airfare, hotel, transportation)

PowerBook G4

Sony PFM-42X1 42" Plasma Screen TV

Loet Vanderveen Trojan Horse sculpture

Enough food at Jack in the Box to feed a small country

Pride Celebrity 4 Wheel Electric Scooter (the kind grandma's use)

2814 packs of gum

Darn, I would have really liked that gum too.

hey buddy can you spare $2,800?

Aloha!
I am back from Hawaii and ready to deal with the real world and let me tell you the real world is DUMB! The night we got back my dad was really sick with more kidney stones. If I ever get those nasty things you better believe that I will be at the hospital getting pumped full of whatever drugs make me go night night. But my dad is bad to the bone and instead of the heavy drugs the doctor wanted to prescribe for him he said no thanks and is taking Tylenol until he can get in to see the doctor. I am tough but not like that, that's World War II tough. I'm more "Free Tibet" tough. I'll put the sticker on my car but the actual war part is too crazy for me.

The other dumb part about the real world is my car. Before we went to Hawaii we dropped it off because a funky light came on. Come to find out the funky light meant, "Hey Jewd, you need a new transmission, ha ha ha!" Who knew lights could be so mean. It's only going to cost $2,800 for a new transmission.

Good thing I am so rich.

Oh wait, that's Jessica Simpson, sometimes I get the two of us mixed up. Any way, besides the stand up comedy I'm thinking about picking up a paper route or maybe joining the circus.

If any of you have a spare $2,800 lying around give me a call. I don't want a loan. Just think of it as a donation; a donation to Jessica Simpson.

Aloha

I was feeling really good about my trip to Hawaii until I saw that there are Oahu Evacuation Maps for a Tsunami! Good thing I am bringing my mask and snorkel. The plane is only thing that makes me want to not go. Ever since I almost died on a flight coming back from Ireland, flying has not been my friend. I just don't trust planes over water. I get the feeling that they might want to make a crash landing and there would nothing to crash in to except a whale and water and it would become a splash landing. I know that you have a better chance of dying on the freeway in a car accident but that just makes me want to walk to the airport instead of driving there. As Woody Allen says, "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

S.W.A.T. 2 electric boogaloo

I am posting SWAT pictures from the raid last week, I hope you appreciate how dangerous it was for me to take these pictures, but I knew you would want to see them.
Your welcome.

Sunny and 72

Our last bit of company left today so now we are back to three people and two dogs, the house does seem empty. The good news is that today the sun was out and it was time to sit outside for a while and reintroduce my legs to the sun. I figure we should slowly bring the two back together before I blind people as I get off the plane in Hawaii with my whiteness. Some people witness but I whiteness. I am working outside today. Ok not working like some of you might "work" but my kind of work, fixing web sites, making phone calls, returning emails and cyber-stalking old vaudeville teams. Ok not really, I 'm not really fixing web sites.

S.W.A.T.

As I type this there are twelve Police officers at my neighbors house in swat gear brandishing their high powered automatic weapons. At around 9pm I was passing by our front door and out of the corner of my eye I saw a huge flash and then heard a loud bang. I thought it was more thunder and lighting and my dad said, "Whoa somebody hit the transformer!" I went out to see if in fact there was a horrible car accident and I heard, "Police! Get down! Police, everybody get down on the ground!" I quickly ran back in and told my dad we were both wrong and that SWAT was paying a visit to our neighbors, This isn't the first time these neighbors have had police men visiting them, but it's never been with so much fire power. For the next 2 hours we were all at different bedroom and bathroom windows looking to see what was going on, with the lights out of course. People would come home (at last count I think 20 people live in the house) and the SWAT would rise up out of their hiding spots and handcuff them. My mom is in heaven because she loves this stuff and I guarantee by morning she will have the detective in charge of the operation on the phone and get the whole story. In the mean time I can go to bed with the secure knowledge that there are a dozen men 30 feet away with high powered weapons. We are not getting robbed tonight

Beef, It's Whats Not For Dinner

Fridays in Lent are always fun. No meat. I love talking to people and reminding them it's friday just as they have ordered their double double from In and Out. It's one thing to eat a hamburger on Friday when you forget and feel bad about it later but once you know (or better yet someone reminds you) you can't eat that burger. It's like the cartoon character who doesn't fall to his death because he has no concept of gravity and then someone hands him a book on gravity and after reading it he falls to his cartoon death. I'm that friend. I got my meat craving out of the way Thursday night so I would not be so meat crazy on Friday. I ate 2 tacos from a place for only 99 cents! Can you believe it! What a deal. As I was eating it all I could think was I don't know if I'm loving this so much because it tastes good or because I only had to spend 99 cents. I think it was the 99 cent thing. So if your reading this and you already ate a hamburger, I'll get you this time but if you are reading this and you have not ordered yet your welcome. Now it's your turn to remind your best Catholic friend that it's Friday...share the love!

Under Ire

My friend and I were walking today and he stopped to read the headlines that read something like, "Local Base Under Ire." Of course being the super genius I am I quickly blurted, "Ha, they forgot to put an 'f' on fire, what idiots!"

Turns out ire means Anger or wrath.
Oops.

Sometimes it's best if I just don't talk, my IQ tends to go up when I say nothing.

Countdown

I have about 3 weeks to be surfboard ready. This means my arms need to get use to paddling and the rest of me needs to fit into my swimsuit. I went back to that triple fat burning class last night and the lady who upsets me was there doing her flips and jumps. Instead of leaving and eating brownies in the parking lot I stayed. I stayed and I stood right behind her and made sure that I jumped just as fast as her and my weights were just as heavy as hers. I could not out do her on her outfit though as I do not own any thing bright pink. I plan to return from Hawaii as tan as her, but that's not physically possible. Some one asked her if she had just gotten back from a trip because she was so tan. She explained she self tans a lot and goes to the tanning salon. She has a shade similar to the character Magda in the movie, "There's Something About Mary." I can't compete with that unless I want a carcinoma. So I will just be content in knowing that the triple fat burner class is all this lady had in her life to make her happy and to feel complete. I can't take that away from her; it would be like kicking a puppy. A blind puppy...with a broken leg and no tail.

Survivor

Oh thank goodness Survivor started again, I now have a sense of adventure in my life. I feel very bad for the ladies of Survivors this season because once again those crafty producers at Survivor pulled a fast one. They said, oh no you can't have your swimsuits and tennis shoes that we said you could pack. You have to wear your pretty dress and clothes that would be horrible to have if you were stranded on an island. Oh those producers. Whatever happened to the "luxury item"? Survivor also makes me think about my plane trip to Hawaii and the possibility of having to go down for a crash landing and me hanging out on an island for a while. I can tell you one thing, I am boarding that plan in my bathing suit, walking shorts and comfortable shoes just in case. I think I have been watching too much Lost because I have also been reading up on what to do if I encounter a polar bear on said deserted pacific island. I also need to do some sit ups just in case there is a news crew when I get rescued off the polar bear island; those survivor women need to "pull it in or name it" as my mom likes to say. She will of course be on the plane with me and that is convenient because she can make me eggs in the morning, on the island, with the polar bear.

Advice

Here is some good advice for you: Never buy sushi at a garage sale.

Cold

The weather here has been very icky. Icky for here, it's paradise for people in the mid west like my uncle Rich who is visiting. My mom and I are going to Oahu in a few weeks and so help me if it's not 80 and clear every day I'm going to write a letter to my congressman. The last time I was in Hawaii I was 5 and we stayed there for a month. I'm pretty sure it was part of a witness relocation program. I remember that the native kids would not play with me because I was white; it might have been that my mom use to make me get perms back then. Think Napoleon Dynamite hair. I also remember not bring able to hold it on a bus and peeing on my stuffed animal who was a raccoon named Ricky. I remember George the dog who I fed sand crabs to. I also remember that I do not like poi. The taste was not very memorable and it was grey, good for elephants but not a good combination for food.

A Day in the Life

Dear Judy,
You are fascinating. What is an average day like for you?
Love,
Brad Pitt

Dear Brad,
I'm glad you asked, her is a run down from today.
Sorry about you and Jen.
Love,
Judy

6:30am - My mom comes in my room and wakes me up by saying, "what time do you want to wake up? Hey Jewd, you can still sleep if you want, Judy, Judy are you up? You can sleep still."
Well now I'm up

7:15am - There are 4 people currently living in our home, my mom, dad, me and my Uncle Rich visiting form Fargo don't cha know. We have two showers but since our house is an architectural wonder only one shower can run at a time unless you want freezing water a slow drip. So by the time I got in the shower I was already running late.

8:08am - Pull in to the Church parking lot and run into mass for my ashes. I was disappointed in the ashes this year. I like a good black ash that will stick to your forehead for the whole day so you can go out and remind people it's Ash Wednesday when you are shopping and doing errands. But these were very grey, almost ashy. They were gone by 10am and that's frustrating.

10:27am - I play Uncle the card game 31 until I lose $1.25.

11:15am - Mom, Uncle and I go to lunch at Chipolte. We make Uncle pay because he is a senior citizen and we are showing our respect by having him buy our burritos.

11:50am - Mom and Uncle go to waste 3 hours of their lives by sitting through the Aviator and I head to the mall. At my show in Saturday I lost my bag with my make up in it. Since then I have been going in public in less than stellar looking form. So I went out to Macy's and got the full treatment by the nice MAC counter people. I even got recognized from a show I did the week before (it was a positive thing and no one threw anything at me). I left the mall with a fresh coat of make up and a high self esteem.

1:35pm - Drove to Rite Aid in Encinitas to buy 99 cent make up brushes for my thirteen-dollar eye shadow.

1:45pm - Checked into Encinitas Surgeons group and wait for a half an hour until I went in and got the all clear sign from my surgeon. No cancer lumps for me, take that family genetics!

2:15pm - Drove to the classy Marshall's in Rancho Santa Fe. I found cute clothes but when I tried them on they looked stupid. Left with deflated self esteem.

3:11pm - Went to check in with Skip Frye at his shop to check on my board, but alas the elusive Skip was no where to be found.

3:35pm - Returned MAC mascara at Macy's in La Jolla. I then went to such stores as Forever 21 and Charlotte Rouse where I saw even more cute clothes on manikins. But some days nothing looks good on except on fire so I left.

3:45pm - Went to the La Jolla Marshall's and Ross only to be saddened again by how the clothes look when you actually try them on.

4:00pm - Bought same mascara that I just returned for half the prize at a giant make up store, take that corporate America.

4:45pm - My friend the Bible Geek called and left me a voice mail that boosted my self-esteem and hopes of more opportunity to travel and be funny.

5:38pm - Called home because I forgot to set my VCR to tape Lost but I remembered the only people at home were my mom and Uncle. I spent 10 minutes trying to walk her though the whole VCR process, I felt like I was walking somebody though dismantling a bomb over the phone. In the end it was decided that at 8pm Uncle would go in my room and just hit the Record button. Which really only says "REC". That was at least 2 minutes of our conversation.

6:00pm - Meet friends for Happy Hour at Sushi on the Rock. Seems I'm back on sushi and my friend John paid for it, so everything turned out ok. Turns out when I' m not forced at gunpoint to eat all the sushi on my plate I can really pack it away.

7:30pm - Arrive at the world famous Comedy Store to see 8 people in the audience. I went up third and reminded everyone it was Ash Wednesday. Eight audience members are enjoyable but hardly excitable. Soon and very soon all of San Diego will be at the Comedy Store because comedy is funny...most the time.

9:30pm - Walk across the shopping center to Vons and bought donuts and Rice cakes. The check out bagger had the nerve to judge my choices for food. Who is this man to judge me? Doesn't he know that if you eat the rice cakes on the ride home the donut for breakfast is justified?

10:15pm - Arrive back home and check email from loyal fan Brad Pitt.

Feed Me

Today I got one of those hankerings. I wanted a spicy crab hand roll. I enjoy the sushi but it is quite spendy so lately I have not had it. There is a sushi bar in Oceanside that has an all you can eat sushi bar, so tonight I made my sister go with me, yippee. I was so hungry when we got there but a bit nervous. There is a big sign that says: Please do not waste food! Any left over food on your plate will be charged and added to your bill (Even Rice).
I was paying for this all you can eat sushi-palooza as my sister's birthday present. Any of you who really know me know that I am cheap. I don't like parting with my money, it's the Scottish way I guess. Point being we weren't going to get caught with any leftovers. But you also want to eat enough to cover the cost of the all you can eat dinner. It's a very fine line we walk here.
We started out strong and ate until we broke even and then some. My sister said she was still good to go so she ordered one more roll. A caterpillar roll, that's a California roll with avocado on the top, or so that's what Jose our sushi chief told us. I was pretty full but not to be out done I ordered a Philadelphia roll. Right when we put our order in, my inner voice (that's the one that helps me know right from wrong) said, "retract that order Jewd, you'll never finish it and you'll be charged 5 more dollars!" I listened to my voice and said, "oh I don't think I can eat, that, I'm going cancel my order." My sister assured me I would be fine and because she is bigger and older than me I listened. Jose gave me my Philadelphia roll and my sister her caterpillar roll and I knew I was going to have to cough up 5 bucks. She freaked out because there was eel on her caterpillar roll; silly Jose forgot to mention that part. I ate one to show her it wasn't that bad and when I did I realized how full I really was. It was Thanksgiving-dinner-lay-down-on-the couch full. I wasn't going to be beat though and I got about 3 pieces of my roll down, unfortunately there was 4 more left. I ate the salmon out of one and then my sister got a really good idea. I shoved one in my mouth and ran into the bathroom and spit it out in the trash. Yes I know, I am a huge dork, but remember 5 dollars! I got back and had to face the last two pieces. I ate the one more salmon and then camouflaged the remaining pieces in with the ginger. I was so full I thought I was going to hurl all over Jose. I successfully concealed the remaining roll under plates, in my soy sauce and in napkins. Guess what... I still have the 5 dollars and I am officially "off" sushi for awhile.

Tomorrow we are going up near Pasadena for a Super Bowl party where I plan to eat and eat until I am close to exploding because I am Catholic and Lent starts on Wednesday. In the morning I'm off to the YMCA to walk 3 or 4 miles on the treadmill to make some room for the next time the sushi craving comes a calling.

Quotes

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
-- Johnny Carson

Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much.
--John Wayne

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
-- Voltaire

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.
-- Otto von Bismarck

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
-- Garrison Keillor

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
--Ellen DeGeneres


Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
-- Abraham Lincoln

I invented the internet.
- Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President

Double Dare

I saw Mark Summers today. What? You don't remember the Host of Double Dare Mr. Mark Summers? It was only the coolest show on tv when I was in junior high. It was a very messy show and turns out Mark had OCD and couldn't stand being around so much slime. It took everything in me not to go up to him and say, "whoa man, what's all over your face!" or "hey your shoe is untied and your hair is very messy."
But I just smiled and walked on, because I choose to remember my TV host heros in their vermillion hot prime.