Lazy Circles In the Sky My Eye

According to my friend Darla this hawk was scoping me out because he thought I was dying because I am just so skinny...poor Darla, she's blind in one eye.

I found this outfit the other day in my baby trunk (that's the trunk where I keep babies) and after trying to get it on I gave up and dressed up the dog instead. You see sometimes I get really bored. It's not that I don't have anything to do. It's just that the things I have to do are dumb and I would rather not do them. Did you know dogs don't like it when you put mascara on them but will tolerate lip liner, that is of course if you can find a dogs lips.
That's right, still single.

Transworld Skate

For Tommy's birthday I told him we would go on a tour of Transworld Media. That's the place in Oceanside where they make Transworld Skate, Surf, Quad, BMX and other sport magazines that I would break an appendage if I attempted. My God Daughters daddy (does that make him my God Baby's Daddy?) is the Event Director for Transworld Skateboarding and was kind enough to give us the tour and give Tommy all sorts of swag. Included in the tour was a lesson on the giant map (pictured), a game of ping pong, a gander at the warehouse that looks just like the one in The Office, meeting all sorts of nice surfer and skate people and even a guy from Wales, looking through the break room's refrigerator and a tour of the company skate ramp (all not pictured). The best part about the day was giving a youngster the false idea that working in an office environment could be fun. Shoot, I might even last a week in a place that sells surf wax in a bubble gum machine for a quarter right next to the free cappuccino machine. Happy Birthday Tommy and stay in school!

Mikey's New Trick

We are all so proud but none so much as his parole officer.

McDonald Sista's

...Not even from another mister. All the same daddy and mommy. Do we look alike? I'm the shortest and most smartest. And I am a snappy dresser as well as a heck of a juggler.

Eye Don't Believe It

This is my eye 2 days after I had surgery to take out a Russian spacecraft or something. Anyway, anyone can see that I was either part of some gang initiation or have some sort of horrible malpractice lawsuit pending. Anyone except the two different people who after hanging out with me for a few hours were very polite and never asked about my eye and later told me they just thought I messed up while putting on my make up.
Really?
Do people think I am that inept? Yep, that's right, I only put on my deep purple and blue eyeshadow and blue stitches on one eye. Gosh am I silly. I guess those self esteem classes I took online were a waste of no money. Well, there's always plan B. Plan B consists of eating fun sized butterfingers until they run out. That's it.

Gin Gin Day

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Happy Birthday Tommy!

My first nephew, my first God Son and my go to guy for comedy material turned 12 years old today. That means he can ride shotgun, finally! Now he can hold my coffee in the front seat while I drive and I won't have to turn around to the back seat to reach for it. So that's a good thing, no more coffee related fender benders. Soon he will be able to drive his favorite aunt around while I sit in the back seat with my coffee. and Mikey can sit in the front set and bark out orders where to turn and how fast to go. That mean he can drive the get away car for Mikey when he robs his first bank.

Big Leagues

Mikey went 2 for 3 tonight and he made a couple of really good plays. He looks like Khalil Greene with his blonde hair sticking out of his hat...but he is a way better fielder and even a few inches taller than the Padre. And I am not saying that just because he is my biggest fan and gets in trouble at school and CCD for constantly quoting my routine at the wrong time (Mikey not Khalil). Not only will I be his confirmation sponsor but I call dibs to be his manager...or bail him out of prison, what ever comes first.

Dead Dogs

This is a photograph I took of my dogs just 3 days ago:

And this is a photograph of my dogs just minutes ago:

I think the golden retriever might be dead. I'm not sure though. The yellow lab at least lifts his head, but it could just be rigor mortis setting in. Just kidding. That's not true, they are not dead, they just smell like death. They swim all day and then when we are not home they bust in through the doggy door and bring the wet dog smell in the house. I very badly want to give them a "summer cut" which would involve me giving them a crew cut, but what with the court order that prevents me from coming within 15 feet of sharp objects, that idea is out.

Hasselhoff

According to the Associated "The former 'Baywatch' star was taken to the University of California, Los Angeles Medical Center on Saturday, April 19, 2008 to have something removed above his eye, his publicist Judy Katz said Monday."

Vas is das David? I too struggle with the lumpy bumpy eye disease and strangely enough, also enjoy hugging puppies (not pictured with me) close to my face.

Wait a tick.

Perhaps David and I both have lumps above our eyes because...we are both HUGELY popular in Germany! Of course, it's all so clear. I am going in for a third time next week to have my Hasselhoff removed...perhaps he can pull back the skin from my eye so once again I will look young and tight skinned like David, except different. More hoff less hassle.

My Fact of the Day:

While delicious and high in protein, it's not OK to lick a California Sea Lion.

Ever.

A Man Named Patch

Dear Future husband,
Sooner or later you will have to meet him so why not now? This is my dad. Patrick Thomas McDonald. When we get married he will wear his kilt. It's a kilt, not a skirt, so don't think you are funny by calling it a skirt, he won't laugh and he might even punch you. Or worse, than a physical punch he will give you a mental punch. That's when he just kind of looks at you and sucks his teeth and then just turns around and walks away.
And you will look at me and think, "at least there is a big dowry!". But you will be mistaken, because I work out and my dowry is lean.
So getting back to my dad's skirt. It was my late Uncle Bill's kilt that he had made with material purchased in Scotland. See, we were Irish until my dad and his two older brothers went on a golf holiday in Scotland, When he came back he claimed Scottish heritage. Except on St. Patrick's Day when we claim our German side.
Anyway, when you met my dad you don't have to talk yourself up...he will have already done numerous Google searches on you. So, hard luck if there is a serial murderer or a Democratic Senator with your name. Hence forth when he thinks of you he will automatically think of said serial killer or Democrat (same thing in his eyes). So john Wayne Gacy the Third, I'm sorry but it was over before it began.
If you golf, it's a plus.
If you are independently wealthy and golf it's a plus plus.
(Basically if you are independently wealthy and can't golf at all, he will teach you and even give you a few stokes. The independently wealthy parts gives you plenty of wiggle room).
Lets see, you pretty much have to be Catholic, the more saints you can name off the top of your head the better. Also if you can attach files to emails, and help him with his computer, your golden.
There are about 236 other unspoken rules of engagement, it's up to you to figure them out and follow them. Failure to do so may result in a mental punch in the throat and no one wants that...no one!
So hurry up with Irish Catholic medical school and then call me, you just have to meet my dad!

Judy

Do Not Adjust Your Monitor

Those pasty white boys are my nephews (the other one is Chewie)!
And yes, you can tan off of them. It hit the 80's today in the backyard, so that meant we had to get into the pool. OK, I didn't because it's still freezing and what with my zero percent plus 7 extra Europe pounds, I would surely die upon hitting the water.
I'll give it a few more days to warm up...or I will just eat a few more Snickers bars to but me into the "safe to swim" zone.
The dogs have been going in all year because they wear essentially wool sweaters 80 degrees or not.

Wednesdays Can Be Fun!

The Last Week of Green

I'm home now and me and the sun have become reacquainted. I feel rather guilty going outside without a "jumper" on and going to bed without clutching a hot water bottle, but then I sit down for a moment and the guilt passes.



The last week in Ireland was quite eventful. I did three shows and all three were in front if Irish kids who were getting out of class to see me, so you would think it was a win win. (Oh, Michael Scott the great conflict resolution , win win, new episode of the Office this Thursday...sorry European friends, you will have to wait till I come back and you can watch them on my laptop).



I even got to meet Enya's dad, Leo. Leo owns a pub (duh) and plays the accordion to entertain Lil Irish 'Grans' and 'Pop-Pops' who are on holiday during the day and at night the pub rocks out to the likes of U2 and other less famous Irish rockers. My lovely Horse has been known to be belted out there from time to time (really why do I even pretend I write this for anyone else but Pat Mustard?).

Then it was up to, or was it down to, Stranorlar to stay at the Foy's house and enjoy things like the Internet, catching (but not touching just in case the US department of Agriculture is wondering) lambs, shopping at Tesco and of course cable television. Even though it was Irish cable I stared at it after a month of no TV like a caveman seeing fire for the first time, it twas lovely.

So now I am back and off to Hermosa Beach tomorrow for a showcase at the Comedy and Magic Club. I hear Leno auditioned 49 times before his first appearance on the Tonight Show, hopefully I will only have to do it 45 or 46 times. Either way it beats wearing long underwear to bed.

The Un-Venice Day Trip

1.2.3.
4. 5.

Let me explain: We fully intended on taking the train to Venice today. Fully intended.
1. This man's job is to make sure no one was on the bus who didn't have a ticket. He did the hob well today, and we were pinched. Pinched in the law sense of the word, not the bad way. Not knowing what someone is saying when they are yelling at you helps soften the blow, I understood the word police though, smiling seemed to make him more mad, silly Bus Cop man. Needles to say after a 25 euro fine for both of us being smiled down to just one 25 euro fine we decided Venice was overrated and we could see the sights of Vincenza, which is pretty much spelled and sounds the same as Venice.
2. I almost won the bike race, but then was disqualified for not having a bike. Who knew Italians were such sticklers for rules!
3. I almost tricked Jocelyn into joining a convent by telling her it was Italian Trick or Treat day but she caught on. So in the end the convent lost a prospective nun and no one got any candy.
4. Carbs...this is why we walked the 4 miles home.
5. These dogs were very cute and if I spoke Italian I would have brought them home. Sadly they were in a committed relationship with an elderly woman with a beard...they told me I should look into buying 3 cats.

NOT PICTURED BUT WORTH A MENTION: The restaurant where we picked up a pizza last night hadon their menu a pizza with "finely shredded horse meat". Think about that next time you have a bad day....it won't make your bad day better, if anything it will just help you have a worse day, but just think about it for fun.

Say, "Sugar Coma" Gracie

In Italy there are just so many times you can go out and eat gilato. Sometimes you have to stay in and do arts and crafts. Tonight me and my BFF Gracie did just that.

I taught her how to use glitter in a responsible manner while still having fun.

And she taught me how to be really quiet in the kitchen so your mom doesn't know your eating the frosting off the cake...she's really smart for her age.

Vincenza, Italy

Today I was honored not only to take a body combat class on base but also to be serenaded by the Vincenza elementary school while they formed a living breathing Italian flag. They sang Volare and it would have brought a tear to Dean Martin's eye....even Sammy Davis' fake one. I then did laundry in a real live American washer and dryer and it was done under an hour! I also was able to buy American deodorant (a must when it hits over 68 degrees). And then we went out to the movie theatre on base (I am getting to use to standing for the National Anthem before anything starts) to see Sweeney Todd, which makes me not want to go to get my haircut any time soon. Tomorrow is my show at the Ciao Conference and who knows what after that. All I do know for sure s that there will be gilato involved.

Venice, Italy

Hey Ireland, it's called the sun, look into.

When I get back to Derybeg, they won't recognize me on account of the 4 shades darker I have become. Oh sunny and 68, I thought you had left me forever! Thank you Italy.